Monday, September 7, 2009


Maybe I'm just too literal-minded, but I always get weirded out when guys ask "sexy" questions where the hot answer and the honest answer aren't the same thing.

"Can take twelve inches, baby?"
...No, unless you leave some sticking out.

"Do you want it all night?"
...No, an hour or two would be exciting but I think eight would be very tiring and painful.

"Are you a filthy little slut?"
...Well, yes, but I'm also a writer and a jewelry maker and a hiker, and I don't appreciate being categorized by only one of my hobbies, you're being very reductive, sir.

I understand the fantasy value of the superlatively sexual partner who is nothing but bottomless vagina and 24-7 sex, but I'm not that fantasy. I'm sex and a whole person too. And even during sex, even when I know it's just filthy nothings, I have trouble pretending that I'm not.


  1. "you're being very reductive, sir."

    I nearly snarfed some water right there.

  2. Join the club. Analytical literalists make terrible dirty talkers.

  3. Willing suspension of disbelief, people, willing suspension of disbelief. TRY to get into character. OY.

  4. Holly you're just the best. I know exactly what you mean about taking questions like that literally. And for what it's worth it's just as hard figuring out what to ask when a partner wants you to top them with dirty talk.

    Also, for the record I don't know about everybody but yeah, a friend who's partner had an actual 12-inch, massively girthy cock said it was fun sort of like fisting is fun -- if he went very slowly and move very subtly -- but not at all fun for actual intercourse.

    And while partners and I have had sex for eight hours it's mostly just turned out that way. It would be weird to say in advance you were going to try it.


  5. "you're being very reductive, sir"

    I think I now know the best way to tell annoying people online to shut the fuck up. I love you Holly.

  6. "I am a filthy little slut." does not mean "I am only a filthy little slut.", just as "I am a hiker." does not mean "I am only a hiker.".

  7. Figleaf - This might be a definition thing. I've spent eight hours in bed with someone messing around, but the majority of the time wasn't intense sex; eight hours of intercourse is what strikes me as completely ridiculous.

    Or not. It may be one of those things I just have yet to learn...

    Anonymous - Shit, you just out-literaled me.

  8. Wow! Thanks for this. I feel the same way - but was never able to articulate it like this.

  9. This is my perennial problem with dirty talking in bed. Sure, it's fun to share fantasies, but if it's not something I'm actually into or would be able to do, it's nearly impossible not to try and correct it. I'm so used to trying to communicate clearly about my desires (which leads to SUCH better sex, obviously) that I don't feel comfortable pretending, as you say. What if they think I actually want to have intercourse for eight hours because I went along with some nasty talk?

  10. My ex used to ask me "Have you been a good girl or a bad girl?" And I always tended to respond with a blank stare because, which one is supposed to get me the fun naughty stuff I'm after, really?