Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Cosmocking: November '12!


Pink cover!  Kate Upton!  That one facial expression that's apparently "sexy" but would read as unbearably snotty if anyone actually gave you that look in real life!  "25 Ways To Kiss A Naked Man!"  Are there really that many parts to a penis?  "8 Very Naughty New Positions!"  These feature stick figures in positions that only work if your partner has extra penises growing out of his belly button and upper thighs!  Perhaps that's why they were able to find 25 different parts!

(However, one of the positions is named "Spank Me Maybe," and I have nothing but respect for that.)

Again, my deepest respect for the name, but dear God, those spines.

6 Ways To Ace a First Date: Predate, don't reach out to confirm your plans; let him do that. [...] If a man wants to open the door for you, let him. [...] There's no reason to seem too eager. Even if you are, hide it. [...] Just be yourself.
And if your self is a person who naturally micromanages and overthinks every aspect of a date, this isn't hypocritical at all!

There's a bigger problem here, though.  And that problem is that I don't want to ace a first date.  I want to feel out if we're compatible, and that means I want it to fail if we're not.  If a guy isn't going to be okay with me calling ahead or opening doors or whatever, I want to know that sooner rather than later and cut our losses.

So... this happened.  Shirtless men with black boxes so you can imagine they're naked.  I'm about to blow your mind: SOMETIMES MEN ARE NAKED FOR REAL.  Pretty steamy, huh?

Q: My boyfriend wants me to be on my knees while giving him oral. It seems disrespectful... isn't that what porn stars do? 
A: Who says that men disrespect porn stars?  The messy truth is, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.  The only way to really know what this means to your man is to ask him why he's into it.  Regardless of whether his answer satisfies you or not, remember it's always okay to say no if you're uncomfortable.
No, ha ha, I'm just shitting you.  The real answer was:
A: It has nothing to do with respect or disrespect. To be honest, those concepts are far too complex for the caveman level on which male brains operate during sex. [...] You can create a similar thrill by giving him oral when he's not expecting it, like when he's watching TV.
Why you would go out of your way to be sexy for a caveman who doesn't understand respect is beyond me.  I guess if you figure all men are just as bad, then any woman who's been cursed with heterosexuality has to learn to live with it or be alone forever.

Cosmo is set in a really bleak parallel universe.
I regret every single instance when I've wept at work.  If you feel the tears coming on after a tough meeting or a failed project, excuse yourself to the bathroom (or even go outside), and let the tears flow. Otherwise, you risk seeming unstable, and your boss will be hesitant to give you big responsibilities in the future.
I usually don't criticize the work advice in Cosmo, but it's also from a parallel universe--in this case, one in which every woman works a genteel, upper-middle-class paper-shuffling job.  Everyone's a middle manager or maybe a marketer; nobody's a mechanical engineer, an aesthetician, a professor, or a baker.

I've cried at work a couple times.  Usually it was because I'd just had someone die in front of me.  Once because we rolled over a dead body, and he had a tattoo of his baby daughter on his back.  A few times because I saw children who'd been really horribly abused.  Once because someone threatened to beat me.

So, y'know... let's not assume the hardest thing that happens to women at work is they have a tough meeting.

(Is the reason for the simplfication because Cosmo writers honestly don't consider that women have different jobs, or because it's too hard to write advice that actually applies to both professors and bakers?  ...And can we ask this same question about their sex advice?)
The area where the scrotum meets the perineum is ultra-sensitive. Press on this spot with your tongue.  His erectile tissue extends all the way back there, so it'll give him a jolt of pleasure.
I'll admit it, I have a grudge, because Cosmo really screwed up my early sex life with stuff like this.  Not because it's wrong, exactly--lots of guys really do like being touched there--but because it presents an individual and situational reaction as a guarantee.  It makes it sound like there's an automatic Taint Pleasure Button installed in all taints.

So the first time you go for the Taint Pleasure Button and the guy giggles, or goes "meh," or says "whoa, not there," you feel like a failure at sex.  You followed the instructions faithfully, but the results aren't what you wanted--the logical conclusion is that your taint-licking technique just sucks.  Because you suck.  Because there's something wrong with you and you can't even know what it is.

I don't know if the author just didn't consider that some men don't like taint-licking, or if they thought it would be hard or tedious to acknowledge the fact--but when you're an insecure sixteen-year-old with a mouth full of indifferent taint, that ignorance/laziness has some dark-ass consequences.

Like I said, it's a grudge.



DEAR INSECURE SIXTEEN-YEAR OLDS AND ALSO OTHER PEOPLE: Some people like this and some people like that.  Some people like taint-licking.  Some people like juggling geese.  The only ways to know for sure what sort of person you're with--and what sort of person you are--are to ask and to experiment.

That's okay, because the asking is sexy and the experimenting is awesome.

136 comments:

  1. I like my partner to kneel because if we're both standing up she'll never reach.

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    1. Not if she's been taking the same yoga class as that blue dude!

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    2. I am quite a bit taller than my girlfriend ...

      Ahem. It is a little porny, though that's not automatically bad, but I can think of very few positions for oral sex that can't be read, at a quite coarse granularity at least, as the person with the teeth being in a posture of submission to the person with the bits.

      (I'm actually not so much taller that our sex life needs to be significantly different than people more or less the same height.)

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    3. Seems to me the act could be read as appearing inherently submissive for the, er, mouther. I don't think the possible positions all look inherently submissive -- what about both parties lying down? (And of course whether something feels submissive is quite a different matter than whether it would appear so in a photograph or something.)

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    4. I'm not sure if this has been mentioned below, but I have to question that the person giving the oral sex is inherently in a submissive position/engaging in a submissive act. If someone's cock is in some else's mouth, I think that person is pretty vulnerable - there are teeth inside that mouth that could make things end badly. I wouldn't describe it as submissive in that sense, but a power relationship where the giver is in possession of a lot of the power over the receiver, largely independent of the sex position.

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    5. Yes, I totally agree. That's exactly why I said "appearing," not being.

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  2. The thing that immediately popped into my head about the work advice thing is that Cosmo acts like all women have genteel, upper-middle class paper-shuffling jobs is because that's the default for romantic comedies. At least I assume it is given my exposure to romantic comedies is a combination of Nostalgia Chick videos and that one time I saw 500 Days of Summer.

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    1. I figure it's because being a magazine editor is a genteel, upper-middle-class paper-shuffling job.

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    2. Shout out for the Nostalgia Chick reference. But yeah, every romantic comedy ever is basically about that.

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    3. Also maybe because Cosmo *started out as* a magazine for pink collar workers, to help them live a ritzy lifestyle... Including how to flirt with/tittilate your boss for "special favors"/better working conditions/gifts. :/

      Of course since then Cosmo-verse and the rest of the world have diverged into two parallel universes.

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    4. Yes! And if you don't have one of these types of job by the time you're 23, you're a deadbeat. Also, your boyfriend WILL have a ritzy job that requires him to travel often, and by the time he is 23 as well. Or maybe 22 for him.

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  3. I'm digging the extra Firefly reference. Right on, Cliff.

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    1. Some people juggle geese! LOVE. IT.

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    2. I just started to work my way through the show and I totally got that reference too! Yay hehe

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  4. I always look forward to these posts.

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  5. I did a little "Yay Cosmocking" dance when I saw this post was up. I really love this series.
    Btw, thanks for introducing me to both bdsm and feminism. You changed my life big time. (Honestly I don't know why I came to your blog in the first place.)

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  6. T'aint a button.

    (Sorry).

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  7. A lot of dudes get really confused when I open the door for them. Because I happened to be closer to the handle and now that I've opened it, they're closer to the opening. Dude, just go through! There's always like a 3 second pause; it's weird.

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    1. Ugh. This is my bugbear. Open a door for someone if it facilitates both of you getting through the door more easily, or if they're carrying a big pile of stuff and need help. It's not about being 'gentlemanly'! It's about being considerate. Men holding doors for me just makes me feel awkward if I was already reaching for it myself, or letting them go through. Awkward and ungainly and clumsy and awkward. Thanks for that, chivalrous dude.

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    2. I had a guy literally refuse to go through the door I was holding open for him and insisted on holding it for me instead. We stood at a stalemate for five minutes before I finally got fed up and gave in just so I could get to class.

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    3. My mother once found herself stuck in a huuuuge traffic jam. She walked up to see what the obstruction was, and it turned out it was a man and a woman in a similar stalemate, both refusing to be the one let out of a crossroads. This was the 70s in Ireland... they were there for some time...

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    4. I think we had the same classmate, only our standoff ended when I said something about how letting me get the door if I wanted to was the respectful thing to do. One or two men have actually taken doors out of my hands because GRR MANLY MAN CHIVALRY, MUST HOLD DOOR FOR ABLE-BODIED ADULT WHO'S ALREADY GOT IT HERSELF. I think of them the same way I think of all other people who deliberately disregard "small" boundaries.

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    5. Oh man this happens to me all the time. I will happily go through doors being held open by guys, and happily hold open doors for guys. But sometimes I happen to hold open doors for dudes that DO NOT WANT to go through a door being held open by a woman, for god knows what reason. I once actually argued with a college teacher of mine when I held open the door for him; for at least a full minute he just kept insisting I go through, while I was really very obviously already holding it for him, and it actually obstructed traffic through the door. Dudes, it's not like you will get cursed if you go through a door held open by a woman. I'm just into being courteous.

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    6. I'd stand there holding that door until they get their sexist asses through it.

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    7. @purple I actually have a close guy friend who is like that with me. We stood at a stalemate for 5 mins at a food place cause I got to the door first and he wouldn't go through. We then figured the doorway was big enough for us both to go through at the same time because our hunger overwhelmed everything else. To this day we still haven't come to an agreement about doors. Though his is more how he was raised(very 1950s household) so I understand to a point. But I do agree, if a date isn't going to be successful because of something like that I want to know from the start rather than make the date automatically work on the first try.

      Also my friend and I giggled at the 25 ways to kiss a naked man thing.

      I tend to hold doors for people regardless of age/gender if I get to the door first. The only time I will rush to a door in front of someone to hold it is if a)they are not able bodied(ie: in a wheelchair and there is no button they can press to open the door for them) or b)if their hands are full and they'll have trouble opening said door otherwise. Though it does tend to be a bit of a shock for people to see someone with 9 piercings run ahead just to hold their door open for them. Or to stand for a longer period of time to keep the door open for them because they saw them coming behind them.

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    8. Oh... the dreaded door-thing!

      I don't know why (presumably my upbringing?) but I have been holding doors for absolutely everyone since I was a kid.
      Recently women commented with an slightly ironic tone on this "gentlemanly" behaviour... which it is absolutely not. I am not being extra nice for women, I just want to treat *everyone* friendly. I just somehow can't help it and some people don't seem to get this.
      I encounter "two people stuck in front of door held open" situations when I am with my male friends, too.

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    9. April, I do a similar thing. If I get into those sorts of stalemates I say to the person that neither of us are going to go through the door single file we might as well go through the door together dimensions be damned

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    10. I have a hard time with this one because I'm from Atlantic Canada and we are small town people...it is totally common for someone to hold the door for you and greet you with a friendly smile. Anytime I go anywhere else I get looked at like I have five heads and find myself shocked when doors are coldly slammed behind the person in front of me. LOL no it's not quite that drastic but honestly, it's just a polite, friendly thing to do, to me almost like a "Oh hey I acknowledged that you are behind me, we are walking together, here's the door" so I never got the "men only" chivalrous thing.

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  8. So, that picture is what it looks like when "Two figures/letters from an anthropomorphic alphabet font take time out for fuckin?"

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    1. Ok, the dude is a P, but what's the woman?

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    2. I think she might be a wonky-looking interrobang. :D

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    3. I see a really distorted capital Q.

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  9. my guy actually does like his taint played with. Just as an fyi to to cosmoverse, I would have never found that out had I not ASKED him. You know had a real conversation with him like he's a real person with real thoughts and opinions about things. Guess that never crossed their minds.

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    1. Men being real people with real thoughts? No, probably not.
      Well, I guess Cosmo is at least an equal opportunity hater, assuming all people are the same as the worst stereotype for their gender...

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  10. my guy actually does like his taint played with. Just as an fyi to to cosmoverse, I would have never found that out had I not ASKED him. You know had a real conversation with him like he's a real person with real thoughts and opinions about things. Guess that never crossed their minds.

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  11. I've cried at work lotsa times. Probably the biggest cry I had was because of the blizzard. I deliver pizza, y'see, and I'd been wearing... well, I didn't realize it was going to blizzard. My shoes were not waterproof, so by the time we closed I was pretty much frozen up to the knee. I cried because my feet were warming back up and it fucking hurt. (I was probably much closer to frost bite than I ever want to know.)

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    1. Oh Jesus ow. Rewarming frozen flesh is the worst feeling.

      ...The more I hear from people with real-world jobs, the more ridiculous Cosmo's "all work happens in an office where you wear business casual and go to lots of meetings about projects" idea of work becomes.

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    2. I actually do have a paper-shuffling office job with lots of meetings and their advice still sounds ridiculous.

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    3. I guess "don't cry at work" is sort of good advice.

      Well, at least "don't intentionally cry at work" and "try not to cry in front of customers/clients unless you're injured or something really bad," are sort of good advice. But now it just sounds obvious.

      ...Really, how many people have to be told to try and go somewhere private (or with sympathetic friends) when they're crying? It's not like otherwise you'd just prance around proudly showing off your tears. That's not how crying works.

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    4. I agree, but at the same time, when my depression got really bad I used to cry for no damn reason at all. When it happened around my current boyfriend, he was literally the first person to tell me to go ahead and cry it all out.

      "Please don't cry" is one sentence that needs to be erased from the English language. Unless the person crying is a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum (in which case, ignoring the tantrum is the best policy), zie probably needs to cry a little.

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    5. Once I cried when a guest put his finger up my armpit (I'm a waitress) and poked around for a bit. It felt like such an invasion of privacy. Weird!

      Otherwise I would say crying occurs when people spit at you, try to hit you or say really really mean stuff to you. Thankyou for a great Cosmocking :)

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    6. UGH. I would have an involuntary screaming shit fit if someone did that to me. I don't think they'd every do it again. Giant shudder. What an asshole.

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    7. I had a coworker cry at work twice. Once was because they got word of a personal emergency and I tried to look as sympathetic as possible and gently ignore the crying (they were telling me what I needed to do to cover for them.) The next time, same coworker cried because they were in trouble and the boss had delivered a much needed (but private) talking-to. That time I was very annoyed - that they were crying in front of coworkers rather than taking a minute or half hour to compose themselve - but put on a blank face and ignored the crying. Sadly, there are people out there who need to be told that there are circumstances where it is inappropriate to cry in front of their coworkers.

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    8. Letting a two-year-old cry until they're finished crying is also not a terrible policy.

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  12. I'm a leaf of the wind... watch how I soar!

    I use Cosmocking as a way to get my friends to read this blog and learn about consent and other important words.
    Great post! And thanks for the geese reference!

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  13. Y'know, porn may be unrealistic and all, but having sex without doing ANYTHING that porn stars do is ... difficult.

    I take it Cosmo never talks about anything really practical, like what you do if you and your partner are quite different in height and have alignment issues in various positions?

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    1. Of course not! All sex must be Perfect Porn Sex, where discomfort doesn't exist, nobody has any body hair, and everyone has an orgasm without really trying.

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    2. Speaking of hairless, I remember watching this rom com, I think it was "Knocked Up" or something, and they actually showed the chick giving birth, which might have been impressive, except that she was completely shaved and as smooth as a piece of plastic (which is probably what it ACTUALLY was). I just found it sooo surreal and bizarre.

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  14. No, ha ha, I'm just shitting you.

    You totally fooled me, you fucker!! I was reading it all like, "Hmm, Cosmo is actually making sense for once?" HAHAHAHAH!

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    1. Comrade Physioprof reads Pervocracy? My mind is a little bit blown.

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  15. @Comrade Physioprof Me too! I was like go Cosmo and then awww.

    "those concepts are far too complex for the caveman level on which male brains operate during sex"

    Good fucking god.

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    1. So what level do female brains operate on during sex? I mean, obviously it's not as simple as just being cavewomen! That would be silly! Women are something completely different, like, uh, star goddesses or something.

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    2. Women's brains operate on the level of desperately trying to remember all 87 things Cosmo told them they had to do.

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  16. It seems to me that anyone who is operating on that basic and nonanalytical a level during sex isn't going to care what position someone who is giving them oral sex is in, as long as the giver is licking or sucking the appropriate areas. That letter isn't about someone who is just thinking "you said your neck hurts when we do this lying down, maybe you kneeling would work" or the like. The LW's partner finds the position appealing, for whatever reason—as Cliff says, she'll never know the reasons unless she asks him. But "caveman level" sounds like a way of coding "he wants to feel dominant" without either saying the LW might have a point about respect or mentioning D/s as something they might choose to play with.

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  17. "(However, one of the positions is named "Spank Me Maybe," and I have nothing but respect for that.)"
    I have respect for the spanking, but definitely not for the position name.

    "Otherwise, you risk seeming unstable, and your boss will be hesitant to give you big responsibilities in the future."
    I know it's lightyears beyond Cosmo to even consider being decent to mentally ill people, but that doesn't excuse this. Silly me, thinking that being "unstable" isn't always a bad thing and doesn't necessarily mean you're an incompetent worker.

    "that ignorance/laziness has some dark-ass consequences."
    Not always true. He could be pale.

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    1. Oh god, thank you for your middle point. I've had anxiety/crying attacks at work before and the feeling that it's something that could affect my job certainly doesn't help lower the anxiety.
      I was so relieved that when I was actually approached about it people were compassionate and understanding, even when I couldn't articulate why I was crying. So yeah, sometimes the real world is kind of awesome.

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    2. I know exactly what you mean. I grew up in a household where crying for more than 30 seconds, or for reasons not directly connected to physical pain, was Just Not Done. The end result is that I still feel ashamed when I cry, regardless of the reason. Depression just makes things worse, because I'm both more likely to cry, and to feel that much more guilty about it.

      When my boyfriend told me to go ahead and cry it all out, I was so relieved--I was allowed to let it out!--that I cried tears of Pure, Unadulterated Bliss just for that.

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    3. Ohmygoodness, yes. I have depression, and there are times when my meds needed adjusting or something was going on in my personal life and I will come back from the bathroom with puffy red eyes hoping no one else notices. There have also been times where I'm crying silently at my desk avoiding eye contact because if I relegate my crying to a bathroom stall I won't get any work done that hour. It's not really something I can control most of the time, so I'm pretty lucky that my coworkers seem to have a policy of politely pretending they don't notice.

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    4. I work in a pink-collar job - I'm a legal secretary - and I have Aspergers Syndrome, ME and depression. It's not a fun combo at the best of times but when you're covering for two offices because someone is ill, you've got phones going off constantly and sending you into sensory overload, your colleague is angry with her boss and takes it out on you, your boss wants you to do overtime even though you work part-time, you have difficult clients and their equally difficult parents yelling at you because something isn't going the way they want it, you have a video to transcribe and it's taking forever...yeah, it gets to you. It took numerous panic attacks for the partners in the office I'm based in to realise something was wrong. One of my bosses even had to chip in and tell them to stop dumping work on me because it was making me ill. I even cut myself in the toilet once because it just got too much.

      I do try and sit in the toilet if I want to cry but sometimes I cry at my desk and I just can't help it. I've tried my damnedest not to cry in front of clients, but sometimes it just happens. But then in Cosmoland, mental illness doesn't exist. Grrr.

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  18. Totally giggling over the geese juggling.

    Honestly, far too many people have gotten the message that all female-bodied people like X and all male-bodied people like Q, and they assume that something is wrong with them if they try X or Q and it doesn't work as advertised. Even worse, though, are the people who assume that something is wrong with the person they're trying it on.

    Either way, awesome post as always. :)

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  19. Not only was I completely fooled by the fake reply, but the real advice was hilarious! Great job as always.

    That sex position is great... if you're both Mr. Fantastic.

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    1. I've actually done "Nips Ahoy." Both partners are a good bit more upright than that, though. Also, the person with the nipples in question needs to arch back a bit, so the breasts stick out more.

      "Lady flat on her back while dude bends over her" is not going to feel very nice for the dude at all.

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    2. I've done this position on accident and holy crap it was awesome for me, until my knees and hips started hurting. It was an unusual angle. Boyfriend just enjoyed the show because of the boobs and sex-flailing.

      I need to look up sex positions for people with hip and knee problems....

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  20. Q: My boyfriend wants me to be on my knees while giving him oral...

    A: ...You can create a similar thrill by giving him oral when he's not expecting it, like when he's watching TV.


    So not only does Cosmo never, ever advise anyone to actually talk to their partner...they also recommend that if your partner talks to you, you totally disregard anything they said (as with this guy who presumably asked outright for oral-sex-on-her-knees). Awesome.

    As for the crying-at-work thing, I'll admit to not seeing the bias re: job class because my most recent job was shuffling papers in an office. The things that jumped out at me were:

    a) is Cosmo assuming that all women get weepy sometimes at work? Like our little ladybrains just can't help but get overwhelmed when we spend too much time outside our kitchens?

    b) do women seriously need Cosmo to tell them not to cry in public? I'm picturing random chicks throughout the country sitting at conference tables with their peers and just wailing because the meeting took a bad turn - mouths wide open, faces bright red and donut-glazed in a thick layer of snot, everyone else staring and speechless. And then I picture these women reading Cosmo on their subsequent lunch breaks and thinking "Oh shit...could it be that my behaviour today came off awkward or unprofessional?"

    Like...I'll admit to having the odd RageCry at my old job (twice in nine years) but I always held myself together as best I could until I got to a bathroom or other private place. I can't stand to be vulnerable and weepy even in front of my partner, let alone work acquaintances. I thought that point of view was pretty standard. Now I'm wondering if bawling in full view of one's co-workers is this totally common thing and I just never noticed.

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    1. Well, if my experience of upper middle class paper-shuffling jobs is anything to go by, there seems to be a significant minority of women who can't stop themselves crying in open discussions and meetings. A couple of friends also tend to tell me about how they cried in an argument with their boss in front of the whole team. I never know what to say - I want to say 'you did what?!?!' but that wouldn't be very supportive of me.

      Maybe it's 'cos we work in female dominated professions, and there's a feeling it's OK to cry in front of other women? Mystifing. I must confess to the occasional voice wobble though.

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    2. Misspiggy - Huh. I've worked in a female-dominated workplace for three years now and never seen any crying at meetings or with bosses.

      Some formidable whining, yes, but never any waterworks.

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    3. I have to admit I cry super easily, and have never been really sure how to deal with it, apart from trying not to, mopping up unobtrusively, etc. I'm so used to it that I think of it kind of like a tendency to having bloody noses or something. Not something I want to do in front of my boss, but stuff happens. One reason I'm glad to work at home now.

      I don't count having something real to cry about (e.g., the time I broke down crying at work because of worries about my then-pregnancy -- everything was fine in the end, but I had good reason to be scared at the time).

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    4. @Irene- me too. I sometimes hate that I play into a stereotype of weepy, not-very-together woman. Though I don't tend to cry during my job of being a cashier or stacking shelves, I've certainly cried at many, many stupid times and in front of people like college and uni tutors. It's very embarrassing. :( I hate the idea that there must be enough of a REASON to cry before it happens, because though that may be how crying is often constructed it just doesn't work that way for me. I like your analogy about bloody noses, that's the kind of detached way I've been trying to think of it myself.

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    5. I admit that I cry when I feel very intimidated sometimes, so when someone (ESPECIALLY a man) raises their voice, then I cry. So if they are crying just because of a meeting or some critique, that's a problem for them. If they are crying because their boss is being overly intimidating, raising their voice, belittling or otherwise unprofessional, that is another sort of problem altogether.

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    6. I also cry easily, and have come to wish that more people could just ignore it when it happens and go on with the conversation. Feeling like I shouldn't be crying because they'll think I'm trying to manipulate them somehow just adds another layer of stress to an already stressful conversation.

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  21. Hahahaha OH HOLLY when I read your response to the oral sex porn-star question I thought, "Hmm, that is a fantastic answer! Cosmo is getting way better!" YOU TOTALLY TRICKED ME.

    Also: Daaaamn I want to be with a goose-juggler.

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  22. Oh Cliff I love you. I read Cosmo every month, but since I stumbled onto your blog, I'm starting to see how weird and otherworldly it is. I also read BUST when it comes out, so I feel kind of balanced. I take everything Cosmo says with a mountain of salt...I guess I always assumed that Cosmo was for other people and it was like snooping through their medicine cabinets without the guilt.

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  23. I internally cheered when I saw the Cosmocking up. :D:D:D:D And even though I have next to no sex life thanks to my partner's herniated disk, what I do have seems sooooooo much better than anything Cosmo could ever come up with. *shakes head*

    -Fishgoat

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    1. I initially read that your partner had a herniated dick - that would certainly curtail your sex life!

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  24. I appreciate that firefly reference. And also the rest of the article, but the firefly reference made me REALLY happy.

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  25. That facial expression conveys neither "sexy" nor "snotty". It conveys "embalmed".

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    1. It comes across as mainly "indifferent" to me, which is probably close to what Ms Upton was actually feeling at the time the picture was taken. Nonetheless, the last thing her facial expression conveys is "sexy".

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    2. I appear to be in the minority here but I think that look is far more normal-looking than the average pouting black-and-white-photo perfume model. Now those poses are the height of too-cool-for-you indifference!

      Delete
  26. siiiigh

    "everyone has different ideas about what sexy is and we shouldn't prescibe a universal standard!"

    "asking is sexy!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Er...asking is a LOT sexier than surprising your partner with something that doesn't do it for zir,* or worse, disgusts zir. The fact that, for example, "surprise, I'm gonna put it in your butt this time!" works for one person doesn't mean it's a good idea for every person you have sex with. You don't know if someone has rape memories that could be triggered by that sort of thing, or IBS, or if butts just gross your partner out, or whatever other Reasons-For-Hating-Anal-Sex that person has, unless you talk to them about the possibility of having anal sex. Good communication is important for every aspect of a close friendly or romantic relationship--why wouldn't it be equally important in the bedroom?

      *Sorry, I'm just not a big fan of using "them" for a singular person. It bugs me.

      Delete
    2. You're confusing 'sexy' with 'low risk' or 'practical'. People don't control what's sexy for them, (we'd live in a VERY different world if we did) and I can only speak from my own experience. In my experience I've never had a negative reaction from a partner, and in the cases where someone tries something I don't like, I ask them to stop, or ask them not to. On the other hand, when people DO ask me in advance, I find it to be a turnoff.

      So in other words, asking is not sexy to me.

      Delete
    3. * sorry if using "them" for a unisex singular bothers you, but it's grammatically correct and I much prefer it to made-up words myself. -_-

      Delete
    4. Anonymous, regardless of how sexy you think asking is, what's the alternative? Not asking. Which means maybe hurting/alarming/offending your partner when you surprise them.... which is really super UN-SEXY.

      Delete
    5. I will concede that asking is not always sexy; it is merely much more sexy than the moment when you realize you really really should have asked.

      I've never had a negative reaction from a partner
      That's called luck. Maybe with some skill in nonverbal communication mixed in, but it's luck. This isn't an area where you really want to press your luck.

      I much prefer it to made-up words
      ...Where do you think words come from?

      :p

      Delete
    6. Also, if communicating what's sexy for you isn't sexy for you... how in the heck is your partner going to find that out?

      Delete
    7. I'm glad you got what I meant, Cliff. :)

      Honestly, I must work in some parallel universe, not in Cosmo's or yours.

      I guess you could say it's luck that I've never had a problem with my method, but likely because I'm not sexually agressive and my sexual partners are overwhelmingly male. So the chance of me doing something that they'll find traumatic is vanishingly small. I guess there's a dash of luck too. :P

      As for being on the receiving end of do-not-want, I'm pretty capable of communicating a very unambigious "no" when I need to, so unless the person is a rapist, there isn't really a problem. So communication has basically never been in issue in my sex life and I don't anticipate it ever will be.

      I get the logic behind all of it, but in the context of my life it seems like a lot of overkill. Also, it's a real turnoff for me.

      Finally, to answer your question: "Also, if communicating what's sexy for you isn't sexy for you... how in the heck is your partner going to find that out?"

      That's like asking how my partner is going to find out that I don't think polka versions of pop songs are sexy. Why would my partner need to find out about every single infinite thing I find unsexy?

      Delete
    8. You know, I'm sort of with Anonymous on this one. I mean, if you're gonna do something SUDDEN and you don't know since before that your partner is gonna be okay with this - verbally ask. But if you're gradually advancing to something, I don't think verbally asking makes that much of a difference. Either your partner feels safe with you, and then zie's gonna tell you "no" if zie doesn't want to advance any further. Or your partner doesn't feel safe with you, in which case you have a problem whether you verbally ask or not. If zie doesn't feel safe with you, zie's gonna feel forced to say "yes" even if zie doesn't want to (some commenters have written earlier about being in an abusive relationship where the partner always asks before having sex, but where you HAVE TO say "yes").
      So, I'm gonna curse in church (is that even a saying in English?) and say that in many cases I don't think verbally asking is important. What is important though, is that you respect each other (which implies not charging ahead with a partner who's all passive, for instance).

      Delete
    9. Yeah, but I'm still thinking about Laura's anal sex example. I mean, how does it even WORK to do anal without asking? The other person can say no, sure, but now you've got to change out the condom or wash off (because you still want some kind of sex, and you're not going to do ass-to-anywhere-else, right?), which seems disruptive to anyone no matter what either of you thinks is sexy or not.

      Delete
    10. Okay... Trying to imagine the anal sex scenario in my head here... Wouldn't you go there with your fingers first? But yeah... suppose the other person is okay with the fingers but goes "no" when the condom touches that area, and then it's paus for condom switch and... yeah, I can see how it would have been less awkward to just ask.

      What I wanted to agree with Anonymous on was basically that you can go around and have a lot of sex without asking verbally, and it's still not a matter of LUCK that you're not a rapist. Sometimes the message is pushed that if you're not telepathic, then your only way of knowing if someone wants to have sex with you is verbally asking - but if you DO verbally ask then you DO know for sure. And that's just not true. If people feel safe they're gonna say "no" or just move away your hands or something if they don't want you to do something, and if they feel unsafe, they may verbally say "yes" when they mean "no". So I just think the importance of verbally asking all the time gets a bit exaggerated.

      Delete
    11. If people feel safe they're gonna say "no" or just move away your hands or something if they don't want you to do something, and if they feel unsafe, they may verbally say "yes" when they mean "no".

      I don't think it's that simple at all. And if the latter is happening, well, something on someone's part is going very wrong. The LAST thing that should ever happen is that you end up having sex in that scenario, where the person wasn't unsafe but said yes because zie thought zie was. If communication between you is that messed up, going nonverbal about it sure as heck wouldn't HELP. At least if zie says something, there's the chance that you'd hear zir voice sounding uncertain and catch a clue.

      And also, yeah, you can say no, but then both of you have to go right back to guess mode about what the other person might want, if no one ever gets to say "no, but what if ..." (because that would be verbally asking). And personally, once I've had a "no" or two, I get pretty anxious that I'm just not in tune with my partner and maybe he just doesn't want any of this, which is really off-putting.

      Delete
    12. So, I'm gonna curse in church (is that even a saying in English?)

      No, but I'm adopting it.

      (That said, I agree with Irene that "if they can't say 'no' without being asked you shouldn't be having sex with them anyway" is oversimplified)

      Delete
    13. "I get pretty anxious that I'm just not in tune with my partner and maybe he just doesn't want any of this, which is really off-putting."

      TBH I think this is where a lot of this seems to come from. Some people are so mortified by the thought of being rejected and have no faith in their intuition, so they clear everything first. Again, I can't think of any time I've ever had a "no" let alone two, so maybe I just (I definitely do) operate in a different sexual culture than Cliff and her (pronoun appropriateness?) readers.

      For some of us, not knowing is fun. You know, surprises? They're often exciting for people? It's a pretty well-known psychological phenom.

      Delete
    14. Obviously something is messed up from the beginning if your partner doesn't feel like zie can say "yes" if you ask. But you say if I ask I might still hear something is wrong through the tone of zir voice... Well, then we're totally back to reading the other person in order to see if zie's comfortable with the situation, rather than using words.

      But okay, I was oversimplifying a bit, you could think of a situation where your partner is a bit uncertain about you, but you verbally asking makes zir reassured. (Although if someone is uncertain about you it's gonna show, if you're interested in the other person and paying attention to zir.)
      I still stick to my basic point that you don't have to verbally ask all the time in order not to be a rapist, and there are lots of situations where it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.

      And if you're gonna reassure a person by asking, you'd have to make sure that your question comes across as a genuine, open question where it's genuinely just as okay to say no as to say yes. "Asking sexy" (as Cliff put it in some earlier post named "asking") probably won't do it, that's gonna come across as just one of the many steps leading up to sex rather than a genuine, open question.

      Delete
    15. For some of us, not knowing is fun. You know, surprises? They're often exciting for people? It's a pretty well-known psychological phenom.

      Sure. I just don't understand why it's not every bit as much of an exciting surprise to have someone ask for something new. Actually, in my experience, new stuff pretty much doesn't happen when we're in nonverbal mode anyway -- that tends to go very much with same old, same old (which is not to say bad). But it's when we get up the courage to talk about stuff that it gets new and especially exciting. To the extent that my anxiety occasionally robs me of the capability of using language for sex as much as I would like, it really pisses me off, just as much as physical disabilities that interfered with expressing my sexuality would.

      Delete
    16. That's the thing about context, right. There's a difference between being too anxious to ask and feeling that asking isn't needed and in fact makes things less fun. And that's the case for me.

      For me, I hate chattiness during sexual activity. The wordlessness sort of intensifies everything for me, heightens the experience. Kind of like when two hungry people are chatting freely, if a delicious meal is in front of them the conversation just completely falls off the face of the planet. They say that if no one is talking at the table, the food must be amazing.

      That's a lot different than no one at the table talking because they're all too shy or because they all hate eachother.

      Delete
    17. They say that if no one is talking at the table, the food must be amazing.
      This isn't like not talking at the table. This is like not getting to choose your food, and having it be extra-ultra-awkward to say if you don't want to eat something.

      The people commenting "no one's ever told me no, so there's no problem" make me super nervous, because I get told no all the time! I get told no when my partner's sleepy, when I thought some part of him was sensitive but it's really just ticklish, when I'm going a little too fast or too slow, when I suggest some kink he's not up for, or when he just plain gets tired. It's generally a pretty smooth, no-big-deal part of my sex to be told "nah, not there, but ooh, try here."

      If you're having sex and never hearing "no," either you're having the same sex every time, or your partner is gritting their teeth and thinking of England.

      ---

      I don't think consent needs to be verbal. What I do think it needs to be is unambiguous. People have to know that their partner is agreeing and that they both know what they're agreeing to.

      If you can do that through a combination of looks, touches, cultural frameworks of "standard" sex, and relationship frameworks of "our standard" sex, you don't need to talk.

      But that's if you can really do so unambiguously. I don't think nonverbal communication is always telepathy, but I do think it's very easy to fool yourself into thinking "they totally knew what I mean! they're totally into this!", and if you're going to use nonverbal communication, you have to be very wary of that risk.

      Delete
    18. A few things.

      1. For me, choosing the food is choosing the person. Even people reading the menu don't typically know EXACTLY what they're getting (unlisted spices/ingredients, proportions, sizes, etc), but they have a general idea. Again, I think intuition comes in a lot here. I can typically read for people what to expect from them sexually pretty early on. You can always send back food if you don't like it (I didn't say I wanted to BAN communication, just that I like to keep it to a minimum).

      2. Why you get told no, and I don't? I think like I said, we live in different sexual cultures, partly. I don't do "geek sex" or "kinky sex". As I said before, if my partner is the aggressor it's unlikely that he's thinking of England (since he's in the driver's seat and has like 95% control of the action) and I know I'm not so....

      I have, the odd time, encountered guys who were more into asking but I find it tedious and I'd pick a guy who just goes for it over an asker any day. I've never ended up having sex with a geeky guy. I often find what I perceive as an overintellectualized and sometimes developmentally stunted approach to sex to be totally unappealing.

      Delete
    19. * And wait, hold the phone, I didn't say it was "extra ultra awkward" to say you don't like something. I said that the REASON less communication works for me is BECAUSE I'm very comfortable (not awkward) with saying "no".

      I get that it's awkward for other people, especially women, but for people who find it super awkward to say they don't like something, then yeah, the whole YMY thing makes sense, but I'm not one of those people.

      Delete
    20. I think you are overthinking the "ask" thing. I mean, if you want to do something drastic, like anal sex, or some weird position, then you're going to obviously HAVE to communicate it. Otherwise, asking can be very simple. If you make it a routine to check in with your partner when you try something new, there's no big deal. It's as simple as saying, "do you like this?" or "how does that feel?" not only is this a VERY easy to find out if your partner likes something, but if they DO like it the response can be a real turn on. Otherwise it's "it feels a bit weird", or even just a shake of the head or a shift of position, then you move on. Interruption of sex is about 2 seconds, and you've learned something new.

      Delete
    21. ^ Lain

      I'm not 'overthinking' it, it's just my preference.

      You are more than welcome to have a different preference than mine but I don't understand everyone's need to correct my preference.

      I don't want my partner to make it a routine to check in with me, that's annoying. When someone is constantly asking if I like what they're doing, or how it feels every time they do anything it comes of as insecure and somewhat needy (to me), which is not exactly a turn on. Like I said, I prefer nonverbal communication, it's very clear when I like something (nonverbally), and it's very clear when I don't like something (I use this magical word called 'no').

      Delete
    22. I truthfully find it reassuring when a new relationship starts out with a few simple questions such as "any don'ts?" And a basic discussion of barrier protection---it isn't a given in my age group, as most of us geezers became sexually active when condoms were for contraception, then fell into committed relatio ships and many are just now wandering somewhat aimlessly out. It gives me hope that I might have my needs respected.

      Delete
    23. Anonymous 12:29 PM
      "I've never ended up having sex with a geeky guy. I often find what I perceive as an overintellectualized and sometimes developmentally stunted approach to sex to be totally unappealing."

      Wow! I am sure you did not mean it to be, but that is sort of put quite offensively? Prioritising a partner's unambiguous sexual consent is hardly an abstract niche pursuit of academic nerds in between D&D tournaments.

      No one's saying that people have to be robot sex lawyers consenting to one (1) act of intercourse, or that people can't develop very nuanced eyebrow-wiggling non verbal shorthand. I don't see people correcting your preference, I see them trying to explain a fundamental misunderstanding you seem to have about what "asking" means in a broader context to people other than yourself.

      This is how this is coming across to me:

      Cliff: Whatever works for you. Some people juggle geese!
      Anon: SIGH. This is so frustrating, because I personally do not juggle geese. Ornithophobia is hot.
      Commentariat: Cool, but it's not actually a bad idea in general.
      Anon: Yeah but, then they add ANOTHER goose! And there's like 4 of them going around and ugh, it's just so distracting.
      Commentariat: Well sure, I mean it can be off putting for some people. But given the variety of people's prior experiences with geese juggling, it can be quite difficult for people to -
      Anon: Whatever, I don't juggle geese with developmentally stunted geeks anyway.

      !

      Delete
    24. Are you serious though?

      Please reread my posts. There is a reading comprehension issue.

      Delete
    25. I guess I'll lay it out again.

      1. I read the "robot lawyer" post. I did not find the "sexy" version of how things should be to be sexy. Again, that's my preference.

      2. I'm unconvinced that I don't understand what asking means, but you're more than welcome to pitch yet another version that I'm supposed to like. What I'm getting is that you have a fundamental misunderstanding about the fact that even what "asking means in a broader context" is unappealing to ME.

      Now onto the back-and-forth in the comments section.

      1. If you read my original post, I was commenting that it was amusing to give a blanket statement like "asking is sexy" after talking about diversity and how everyone has different preferences, and how it's silly to give blanket advice with sex since people's preferences are different.

      She didn't say "some people find asking sexy" she said it "is" sexy. Which is a blanket statement (in her comments she admitted that not everyone will find asking sexy, to her credit)

      4. "I get the logic behind all of it, but in the context of my life it seems like a lot of overkill. Also, it's a real turnoff for me."

      So you read
      "I get the logic"
      "BUT in the context of MY life"
      "for ME"

      and still somehow interpreted that as me not accepting that other people have different experiences? How much do I have to belabour the point for it to be clear to you?

      5. My comment on geek culture was in reference to earlier posts by Cliff about how geek sex is different, not a reference to consent in and of itself. I find subcultures interesting. I was addressing her confusion about why my experience (and the experiences of other posters) was so foreign to her. I thought maybe it was because of a subculture difference. I did briefly comment on the way geeky guys read to me, sorry it offended you, but frankly, I'm not sure how I could've softened it up more than I already did without just lying.

      "I think geek sexuality is an awesome thing. God knows it's the only sexuality I've ever known. Geeks are tinkerers who constantly try to improve and innovate, and geeks are not bound by many mainstream social rules, and these two things combine to create some fucking hot sex. Also for some semi-mysterious reason the overlap between "geek" and "kinkster" is, like, 90% of both groups.

      But geeks also are prone to weird social thinking, some of it a reaction to the ungeeky mainstream, some of it their very own invention. Here's some common misconceptions that can fuck up geek sex."

      So she's admitted that her own experiences are limted to that subculture and I admitted that my experiences are limited to not that subculture. It wouldn't surprise me that our experiences about sexuality are different.

      One girl's "tinkerer who constantly tries to improve and innovate" is another girl's "overintellectualizer". One girl's "caveman" is another girl's "straight shooter".

      It takes all kinds, and I will defend diversity for as long as I have to.

      Delete
    26. You did say "developmentally stunted." I'm not sure how to read that as simply recognizing diversity. Sounds pretty much like saying "inferior to how I do it" to me.

      Delete
    27. Obviously I prefer my way of doing things, otherwise I wouldn't do them that way.

      So here's the exact quote (with added emphasis this time)

      "I've never ended up having sex with a geeky guy. I often find what I perceive as an overintellectualized and sometimes developmentally stunted approach to sex to be totally unappealing."

      I thought it was nicer than 'immature', would 'immature' be nicer, or meaner? Again, I can only euphemise so much without lying.

      A lot of my friends (mostly female, but some male) are geeks, and I'm just going on my own observations blended with what I've seen Cliff write about geek sexuality. Her 'social fallacies' post is an excellent example of how that subculture can be vulnerable to an immature/simplistic take on sexuality.

      She, and everyone else has also let loose on the downsides of mainstream sexuality.

      Saying "x component of y isn't great" isn't the same as saying "y sucks and is inferior" (even if it IS inferior in my taste). I can appreciate the fact that there are so many subcultures without wanting to engage in all of them directly (or think that every element of each one is perfect).

      Delete
    28. Okay, I'm officially sick of arguing about the meaning of individual words in the previous argument about the argument before that.

      Can we let this go?

      Delete
    29. Sure. I was hoping to learn something instead but oh well.

      Delete
  27. In Lucky Magazine (my guilty pleasure that I read for the fashion advice), any women whose employment is disclosed work in genteel-artsy jobs like graphic designer, photographer, or stylist. No one's ever a bus driver, or a waitress, or a teacher, or even an office drone middle-manager. What that says about Lucky in comparison to Cosmo, I'm not sure.

    ReplyDelete
  28. "Some people like juggling geese."

    Yay, Firefly! (^__^)

    ReplyDelete
  29. In criminal defence law, everyone ends up crying at some point.

    For me the hardest thing is the NCR (not criminally responsible) verdict. You have a vulnerable person being forced to take anti-psychotic medication with terrible side effects to be put on trial for something they don't understand and then held indefinitely for a crime which a fully capable adult might get 18 months for. Even when it's the right verdict, how do you let yourself plead it?

    Anyway, I know that crying for women is a different issue than for men. Men feel that crying over a tough case hurts their masculinity, women tend to feel it makes them seem weak or incapable. I don't think the advice of "in our crazy post-feminist world, being seen to cry at work can affect others' perception of your emotional capabilities… absurd as that may be" is necessarily wrong. Just so clumsy and misstated.

    I know what you mean about real jobs. Law is half office-desk job, half 'real'-job. Even still, there are paralegals, secretaries and office managers whose Cosmo-style desk jobs will bring them to tears… not because of a 'tough meeting', but because they have to deal with accused criminals on a daily basis.

    That classic romcom Cosmo job of journalism can come with its fair share of brutality too. It doesn't have to be in the line of fire… sometimes the pressure of dealing with negativity on a daily basis can just get to you. Work is hard, that's why they pay you for it.

    Most jobs come with more stressful elements than a 'tough meeting'. The advice should be that sexism in the workplace is an ugly reality and that coming across as emotional can be associated with the weak-woman stereotype. Also that yes, work gets to everyone and everyone has moments of weakness, even big strong manly men.

    Instead because they used a trite analogy, they reinforced the idea that women are delicate flowers that crumble in the face of criticism or conflict… but it's that negative perception these women are allegedly trying to avoid!

    I don't know why this pisses me off so much (it's a small matter in the great world of Cosmo fail) but it does!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for writing this. As I posted upthread, I work for a criminal defence firm and if I've had a meltdown / panic attack and cried, it's usually because I'm trying to do too much at once, or because I've had a particularly difficult client on the phone. As for the other women in the office, only one of them has cried at work, and that was once and she was incredibly stressed out. I know she's come close to it with some of her cases, though.

      Delete
  30. I have to say that I did not read the "crying at work" scenario as a generalisation that all women work at "genteel, upper-middle class paper-shuffling jobs" but more along the lines that the sad world we still live in means that many women working in an office have male bosses who WOULD see it as a weakness and sign of instability were they to see their female employee crying at work.
    Maybe I'm just in an incredibly cynical mood right now but I also feel that my point is fairly moot because I agree with the logical aspect that not many people "prance around proudly showing off [their] tears" in general.

    Anyway, great Firefly reference, and fantastic post as usual.

    -Clem

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In general, I agree, people don't proudly show off their tears. But! there is a trap out there for young women who have their first or close-to-first jobs in offices with a culture of "we're all so friendly and casual and easygoing, we're just like family!" It's easy to take that at face value and think, hey, my co-workers and I are all such friends and look out for each other, it will be OK to let my emotions show just like I would with friends outside the office.

      So those young women (which are a significant part of Cosmo's audience for work stories, I'd guess) may need to be told that the office is not your friend's house, and you *will* be judged negatively for crying no matter how supportive and cool your workplace may seem.

      Delete
  31. I swear, you could do nothing but Cosmocking and this would still be one of the best blogs in existence.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Is anyone else here seriously creeped out by the "is that dude nude" page? I mean, I realize they are publishing actual nude photos without consent, but it still strikes me as objectifying and exploitative. Especially if you consider how it would look if a men's magazine did that with women's pictures. The whole idea just strikes me as very much not okay.
    Besides, if the goal is for me to just use my imagination and picture these guys naked, what the hell do I need the black boxes for? And, for that matter, if my imagination is just that deficient, why can't I just go look at actual pictures of actually naked men (presumably taken with the subject's consent, of course).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But...men's magazines pretty much DO do this all the time.

      Delete
    2. It didn't creep me out because I saw it as humorous in a way that women's bodies aren't ever allowed to be in such a venue. Naked guys can be naked PEOPLE (and therefore hilarious in a childish way) in a way that "naked ladies" aren't. (In real life, of course, naked women [and men] are often funny at the same time as being beautiful and sexy. Kind of an irresistible combo, if you ask me, which of course Cosmo never does.) So while I think you're right, I can agree intellectually that it's exploitative (and I also get a whiff of "you don't seriously want to look at naked guys, because women are totes not visual!"), I don't have the same visceral reaction.

      Delete
  33. *aren't publishing.

    Significant typo.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Just saw this on 9gag. Makes perfect sense:
    http://9gag.com/gag/5636033

    ReplyDelete
  35. I thought the 'nude' photos were a joke, superimposing black boxes on guy's underwear, thus allowing an amazing leap of imagination, squint and see them naked.

    ReplyDelete
  36. GEESE! JUGGLING! I love you a lot.
    I guess it doesn't take much . . . .

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'd wonder if they got Rob Liefeld to draw those illustrations, but then I realized there wasn't nearly enough pouches shown.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't be Liefeld, the man's thighs aren't even close to big enough.

      Delete
  38. "There's a bigger problem here, though. And that problem is that I don't want to ace a first date. I want to feel out if we're compatible, and that means I want it to fail if we're not."

    Fuck, Cliff.
    Mind=blown because HEY YES THAT'S IT!

    It never even occured to me that there might be incompatibility of action and intent between "being as nice and making someone a nice time with all your nervous effort, hiding all the bad things" and "finding someone who likes you for who you are".
    And then it's so easy to see!

    Your blog is sometimes better and more spot-on than therapy.


    And gosh, you are so strong. What you said about the dead and the children...Can you do something about it when there are abused children?

    I hope you'll make all this a book someday, it's much needed, 'specially your easygoingness.

    Sorry for half-fangirling.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Cosmocking (and my reposting of the juiciest bits with my personal thoughts) has become quite the thing amongst my facebook friends, so much that I've had friend's moms come up to me and ask me where I got the wonderful idea. I'm so glad I can always pass them along to this blog (especially with posts like "using my vagina" because that one was sweeeeeeeet)!

    In fact, it's become such a "thing" that many of my friends do their own versions of cosmocking now.

    (One of life's delicious ironies is that there are certainly people on my facebook page who is very much a cosmo girl, who expressed jealousy because her friend was going to live where the "Very rich boys" lived so she might be able to date a "google employee." Literally living the success myth right there XD I wonder how she feels about the cosmocking...)

    ReplyDelete
  40. As always you so perfectly say it how it is and in such a wonderful way and about issues that touch anyone who is interested in some fun in their life . I love this blog and am so excited to have found it . I look forward to every entry !

    ReplyDelete
  41. Apologies if this was mentioned earlier, but I believe that the message at the end of your post is counter productive. The label "DEAR INSECURE SIXTEEN-YEAR OLDS AND ALSO OTHER PEOPLE" implies that being insecure is childish, which is contrary to the point of the message.

    Good luck with your blog,
    Tim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, Cliff's addressing herself as an insecure 16-year-old and then saying the message extends to everybody. If I, for example, say "Dear brown-haired 30-something bicyclists, and also other people," it doesn't imply only brunettes or 30-somethings ride bikes.

      Delete
  42. Dear Cliff, between the phrase "a mouth full of indifferent taint" and the Wash quote (a personal favorite in frequent use), you are several steps closer to my list of fictional spouses. Keep up the good work.

    Love, Katy

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  43. Hmm... Purely on impulse (damn you, Kindle!) I've bought "Hot Sex" by Tracey Cox (who's an author for Australian and UK Cosmo...) And while it got its share of obvious goofs (like cute infoboxes with "scientific" factoids from nowhere)and author clearly was out of her depth on a few more obscure topics, it's for the most part, a sound basic sex-ed, better than most such books I've seen in fact. No sweeping generalizations, heavy emphasis on asking your partner both about the basics (like how exactly they like to be stroked) and stuff that needs communication because otherwise your partner may freak out (like anal fingering or light bondage/blindfold play.) No promises of "surefire" techniques (except in an oral sex tips lists not written by her, her own view is much more qualified.) no attempts to sell you something, NO just-so stories about cavemen and neurotransmitters...


    Was the grass greener 14 years ago, when it was first printed, or is it something about the magazine article format, or is it something about the US culture?

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  44. Hahahaha! sorry..No geek sex or kinky sex? Can't even imagine what you're doing....since im not putting on labels. Communicate or not? Huh? I sent a text to my friend the next day because I was embarrassed then that I was feeling too inhibited and embarrased the night before to ask him to anally finger me during oral. Nothing we hadnt done before other times. But I was tired, hadnt seen him in awhile, wasnt as aroused as id like, and have had a past partner humiliate me,and childhood sexual trauma in my past, ie: shame. We certainly dont feel the same each time, want the same things or even communicate the same way each time. Communication is key to understanding. And I find it hot and exciting to hear "I wanna be in your mouth, I wanna lick your ass,etc. Just as exciting for me to verbally be begging or screaming....

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  45. I just stumbled upon your blog - you post nifty, amusing shit! And if shit is offensive, stuff is alright, but stuff is just less cool a word. :) Cheers!

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  46. I had an office job in banking before moving to another city to go to school and I've cried in the office. At least in front of my coworkers. And they were plenty sympathetic, because they'd done it too.

    I've never seen someone die, but having to watch someone deal with financial bullshit after they've lost a child or their partner of 50 years is heartbreaking. People lose their homes, have accidents, their kids get sick, their partners have to go to rehab, all kinds of things, every day, and it's often pretty damn depressing.

    Once I helped a woman who had just lost both of her dogs--somebody killed them, for no reason at all. I gave her her cheques for the cremation at the vet's and just went and cried in my boss's office.

    I never thought banking would be so sad, but I guess in a way you're involved in parts of people's lives that are very personal.

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  47. Cliiiiff! Cliiiiiiff?! Do you read me? Cliff, come in!

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