Sunday, November 18, 2012

Cosmocking! December '12!


It's that time again!  Light blue cover!  Taylor Swift!  Wait, that's supposed to be Taylor Swift?!  I know what Taylor Swift looks like!  She doesn't look a damn thing like that!  Also they made one side of her neck longer than the other, and her left collarbone seems to reach well past the midpoint of her chest!  I never thought I'd have to critique the anatomy in a photograph!  "Late Night Sex!" If Cosmo runs headlines on "Early Morning Sex" and "Mid-Morning Sex" and "Elevensies Sex" and so forth, they could get a whole year's worth of content out of this!

(Cosmo has bizarre neck errors on almost every cover.  Apparently they always use the same person for retouching, and this person believes that human heads are set on an infinitely mobile ball-joint located on the front of a foot-long neck.  If we can't convince Cosmo to stop selling crude gender stereotypes as "science" and joyless performance as "sexy," maybe we can at least explain to them how spines work.)
(TW: ED) So You Ate a Cupcake? Fast Moves to Burn It Off!
And then there's this headline.  I just... this is really heinously irresponsible.  I know people get all argumentative about whether beauty standards promote eating disorders, but how is this headline about anything but eating-disorder behaviors?

"So you ate a cupcake?  Great!  That will contribute to the nutrients your body needs each day for healthy functioning!  Plus they're yummy!  On a totally unrelated note, moderate exercise can make you feel good and increase your physical abilities, but really shouldn't be connected to feelings of guilt for enjoying food!"
I'd just started dating this awesome girl who didn't eat meat, so I decided to take her to a sushi restaurant. She ordered a tuna roll and seemed into the place... until the chef came out with a live tuna and chopped its head off at our table. My date was horrified as the beheadings continued at tables around us."
A weirdly racist "true embarrassing story," from a writer who clearly doesn't know how big tuna are.    For reference, here's a video (warning: NOT A PRETTY SIGHT) of someone beheading a (dead) actual tuna.  That would make one hell of a tableside presentation...
Worst Date Ever! He Was Bisexual... With a Girlfriend!
Okay, so the "girlfriend" thing is legitimately terrible, since he was cheating on her.  But the biphobia here is really gross:
We headed to a wine bar, where, over a glass of merlot, my date matter-of-factly informed me that he also hooks up with men. I consider myself pretty open-minded, so that bit of info itself didn't bother me--it was his timing.  At this point in the night, we were supposed to be all flirty and into each other.  I figured he'd mistakenly thought it would impress me, so I politely laid it out for him: "I understand that a guy can picture a girl he's dating making out with one of her girlfriends and get turned on by that. But for me personally, picturing a guy I'm dating going at it with his male bud is not a turn-on." My date seemed confused.
I, too, seem confused.  A guy comes out to you, and your response is, and I'm trying to work this out here: "I'm like totally not biphobic, but this was Designated Flirting Time in my head, so clearly every sentence he said was supposed to turn me on, and men having sex with each other doesn't turn me on, so I'm totally justified in framing his sexuality as EWW MANSEX LOL AMIRIGHT LADIES."
Meanwhile, as if on cue, a man who'd been sitting near us at the bar turned toward my date to ask him a question. My date, without hesitation, flirted back.
Come ON.  What kind of fucking sitcom logic is this?

Although if you view it not as "and then he did gross bisexual stuff right in front of me, OMG" thing, but as the other man overhearing that bullshit and heroically rescuing him from his biphobic date, that's kind of sweet actually.
The High-Maintenance BFF: Even the best of friends can come with baggage. 
"We went on vacation together, and on the first morning, she broke her leg jumping on the hotel bed (don't even ask). I ended up pushing her in a wheelchair all over Paris. At times, I'd be so exhausted that I'd end up crying at night. But I didn't want to make her feel worse, so I stayed quiet."
Wow, what a jerk, inconveniencing her friend by, um, not walking on a broken leg! Talk about inconsiderate!
Does Your Coworker Want to Sleep With You?
If he writes something like the note on the right, it's 99.99999 percent likely that he's already pictured you in the nude.
Yeah, I... I don't even know anymore.
You're on a second date with a guy when he asks about your previous relationship. You say: 
A. "He deserves to be in jail. Know a good lawyer?" 
B. "You would love him. We should all go out!" 
C. "Solid guy. We just weren't good together."
If you answer A (or B), the quiz reports you aren't over your ex.  C means you're over him.  Now, I can sort of see the logic here, but... shouldn't the actual events of your previous relationship have some bearing on this?

Not every "he deserves to be in jail" is poorly sublimated grieving, destined to turn to "solid guy" once you get ahold of your tempestuous lady-emotions.  Sometimes it's because dude committed a bunch of crimes.

92 comments:

  1. Yeah, that quiz bothers the crap out of me. Because the last guy I dated, before I met my current SO, was abusive. Maybe he didn't deserve to be in jail and maybe he did (I don't know every detail about his life's exploits, so I can't say), but I will never get to a point where I call him a "solid" person or claim "we just weren't good together," because he wasn't "solid" and the "not good together" was because he abused me, not because I somehow failed to take his crap properly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess getting emotional trauma qualifies as "Not being over him".

      Delete
  2. The part that bugs me about the cupcake thing is, they make it sound like eating a cupcake is a horrible thing. Sure, it's unhealthy to eat too many sweets. Yes, you will probably gain a lot of weight if you indulge in cupcakes all the time. But most of us aren't going to gain a noticeable amount of weight from eating a cupcake. Like you said, there is no healthy lifestyle that includes freaking out over one damn pastry. This is probably exactly where eating disorders come from.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I LOVE your Cosmocking articles. For a long time I have loathed Cosmo for all of these reasons and it is so gratifying to read your hilarious and eloquent dissections of this trashy publication. You ROCK, Cliff!!

    In fact, this issue actually motivated me to write a somewhat scathing email to the editor about that incredibly horrible headline. I typically take the attitude of "Well, I'll keep spreading the info to my friends and colleagues about how awful this mag is and just get on with my life..." but their consistent promotion of disordered thinking boils my blood! D=

    What are the odds of anything beneficial ever coming of that...? Probably nil. I do feel a teensy bit better though. And who knows, maybe if the Editor In Chief sees enough of a backlash, she might reconsider her choices in publishing this kind of junk. *wishful thinking*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why would anyone take a vegetarian out for sushi? I guess if the place had good veggie rolls. But mad props for "the beheadings continued at the tables all around us," that's some imagery right there.

    Hey, I saw this thing a couple days ago and wondered What Would Cliff Think. So just leaving it here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could at least have added a warning that this links to strongly anti-BDSM rhetoric.

      (and not terribly original one, I might add.)

      Delete
    2. Content warning for that thing, then. I did not realize that making unwarranted generalizations about sadists needed one-- sorry.

      Delete
    3. To a commenter: "Your sexual perversions are tied to woman-hate. That means your hard-on comes from torturing and humiliating women. That’s the earmark of a sociopath."

      I feel like my existence as a queer female sadist would make her head explode.

      Delete
    4. I think you could use those same arguments--women who claim they like it are just victims and can't be trusted and "choice" is a smokescreen--to prove that women shouldn't be allowed to have sex.

      Or, like, brush their hair. Because I got this idea in my head that hairbrushing is always sexist torture, and I won't let your choosy-choice propoganda change my mind about it! CHOOSY-CHOICE!!!!

      Delete
    5. Actually, if we're going to start from the premise that I'm likely not to be the world's leading expert on my own thoughts and feelings, we can justify denying X-type people the right (or permission) to do Y for any X and any Y.

      Delete
    6. Um i'm a vegetarian and I eat sushi...I choose what I eat

      Delete
    7. Wow, I can't even begin to unpack all that is wrong in that link. Also the of doubling down in the comments and claims that all female doms are prostitutes (guessing she isn't terribly fond of sex workers either) and that all male subs hate women even more than male doms (that doesn't even resemble any of the straight male subs I know) and of course the complete erasure of any non-cis-hetero BDSM relationship.

      Delete
    8. In all fairness, the fake story never said the girlfriend is vegetarian... just that she doesn't eat meat. There are tons of people who don't like red and white meat. Fish tastes like neither.
      Of course, the hilarious display of complete and utter ignorance of reality makes the story ridiculous either way.

      I'm not even gonna touch that link. Just the comments here already make it sound like just another rad-fem sexist hate diatribe.

      Delete
    9. Reading through it, I picked up on a sentence that at least explains where the writer is coming from, 'As I’ve mentioned before, a friend of mine ended up dead during a “consensual” sadomasochistic encounter.'

      Which means, I really don't expect an objective stand-point from the writer. Someone terrible touched her life and that person came wrapped in the clothing of BDSM. It's pretty obvious the writer either hasn't yet, can't, or won't separate(d) the existence of a thing from the actions of a person.

      Delete
    10. It might even have been some*one* terrible. Horrible accidents can happen during edge play, which breath play certainly is. There aren't enough details there to even begin to guess.

      Delete
    11. Quoth the blogger: "Here’s a little tip to the liberal, self-hating women who come on this site trying to peddle their bullshit. I read half a sentence, see you’re full of shit, and delete your crap without reading it."

      You see, demagogues don't actually need to listen to the people they claim to know all about. Ego just trumps everything now.

      Delete
    12. Oh hell. What was that?!

      I'm (shamelessly) echoing Sada's comment. I think my existence as a queer, masochistic, (demanding) brat would really make the writer's head explode.

      Delete
  5. The one about a broken leg just really got on my nerves. I mean, it's all bad, but somehow it really made me angry. Yesterday I got back from a week-long trip to London with my girlfriend. It was awesome, but there was a couple of times when I had to say "sweetheart, I can't make it anymore, my feet hurt SO MUCH. Let's call it a day'. And we both are healthy, I'm just a bit weaker than her. But that's what you do in a caring relationship, romantic or not - communicate. Saying that someone is 'high mantenance' because they didn't meet your needs which you DIDN'T COMMUNICATE is a shitty thing to do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wonder if Cosmo has tips on how to get your boyfriend to give you a subscription for Christmas, then I could do the exact opposite.
    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they did, it would probably go something like:

      "Do not simply mention that you want a subscription for your birthday - that's no fun! Instead, construct an elaborate castle of hints where you talk about how much you like going to the salon because they always have issues of Cosmo to read; say you love travel books because they make you feel Cosmopolitan; next time in bed, randomly tickle his big toe with your pubic hair and say "Oh that? I picked it up in Cosmo! Sexy, huh?"

      If your boyfriend is a normal person this should result in a gift certificate to the salon, a good book, and a deeply puzzled look followed by a determination to keep Cosmo far, far away from his home.

      Delete
    2. And all three of those are much, much better gifts. :)

      Delete
  7. That sushi story came off like an Andrew Zimmern fan who wanted to screw with their date...

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Post-it Notes crack me up. My reaction to "The note on the right means he's TOTALLY INTO YOU!!!": "...or maybe s/he just likes to use full sentences."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Didn't you hear? Only people who want to have sex with you care enough to use full sentences in a sticky note. :P

      Delete
    2. No, you mean people whose notes are full of sticky sentences.

      Delete
  9. Oh my god. I thought cupcakes were really in as a highly decorated, pretty and fashionable lady food right now- now us ladies are not supposed to EAT them? What, are they just for looking at??

    Also, fuck calling a friend high maintenance because she broke her leg. Your traveling companion seriously hurting herself on the first day of a holiday is certainly not going to make for the ideal trip, but HIGH MAINTENANCE? How dare she have an accident!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (possible TW for eating-disorder-susceptible folks)

      Oh, you're allowed to eat cupcakes. However, because they're not a salad and have more than 50 calories per serving, eating just one cupcake is going to make you gain, like, a bajillion pounds if you don't hurry and exercise off every single calorie NOW NOW NOW!!

      Salads are the only food Cosmo doesn't stress out about, which is funny to me because salad dressings can be insanely fattening.

      Delete
    2. I thought everyone was dieting on LCHF these days? A friend of mine who's severely depressed just got a new medicine, and it made her swell up like a balloon. She complained about it on FB, and people immediately started going "You gotta eat more FAAAAT! You gotta stop eating carbs and eat more FAAAAT! Fat makes you THIIIIIN!"

      Delete
  10. I maintain my position that Cosmo writers are intentionally taunting their readers, trying to see how far they can go with outlandish horrible advice before the readers are all like, "No fucken wai. This can't be real."

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lets have a closer look at why the bff was supposed to not to communicate her need to rest. Poisonous image of bff is presented and encouraged here - as if bff is REAL bff then no comunication is even needed. Remember, being a good girlfriend means ASUMING what your boyfriend needs, accordingly being a real bff is ASUMING what your bff needs or not only asuming but 'reading her mind' (this could not be expected in 'venus-mars' kind of differences on boyfriend case). To summarize, actually all Cosmo is about is how communicating your needs will screw up your friendships, sexual life and everything for which reason you need COSMO to save you. The fact that women actually buy in to this crap shows that actual equality in relationships is far from common sense nowadays. You do not feel free to communicate your needs when there is power imbalance in a relationship. I guess now that material base is weaker to sustain male domination, power imbalance is produced through selling the idea that real equality, trust and openness in a relationship is just not sexy, boring or even against 'true nature'. That's when you need tricks and treats that Cosmo can provide you with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have more of an instinct that our narrator in the broken leg story is more the sort of person who would do favours and helpful things uncomplainingly and then bitch relentlessly behind the favour-asker's back about how dare she ask me to do such-and-such! If, as Cliff wrote below, she's even a real person. If she isn't then the Cosmo writer is probably one of those people. I remember someone wrote into Captain Awkward a while ago who was unfortunate enough to have a friend like that. I have the same instinct about 'nice guys', the ones who can't stand listening to the female friends they secretly have feelings for talk about their love life troubles, but never express their feelings about how uncomfortable it makes them or their feelings for the woman in question and just keep uncomplainingly helping, while complaining about how awful it is when women leech favours off their friend-zoned guy-friends online.

      Delete
  12. I've been to a lot of sushi places and none of them did any of their prep at a customer's table. Often they prepare stuff at a big central counter where you can watch, but even then I've never seen any beheadings - the fish have already been sliced into manageable pieces and the chef just assembles them into rolls or whatever.

    And goddamn, I had no idea tuna got that huge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tuna are pretty high up the oceanic food chain. It's one of the reasons that they're more risky on the heavy metal concentrations than stuff like salmon.

      Delete
    2. The one in the video is pretty gigantic, but even smaller species of tuna are still like 20 pounds. That's a whole lot of tuna rolls.

      Delete
    3. I have seen chefs skin and cut up whole mackerel and salmon for sushi before, but from the bar, nowhere near the table.

      Delete
    4. One of my favorite sushi bars they cut up live shrimp and stick the body on a plate so you can watch it wriggle and writhe while you eat the raw tail on a piece of sushi. When you are done with the tail, they take the body and deep fry it for you and then you eat it.

      Delete
    5. Comrade Physioprof - Okay, that's a bit disturbing. I'd be okay with eating freshly-killed food. I don't want to eat tortured food.

      Delete
    6. Comrade Physioprof--Torchwood did an episode on that, only it was a giant alien whale! And a tragedy. And I'm pretty sure I cried. Just sayin'.

      (s2e4 if anyone cares.)

      Delete
    7. (O_O) Oh no, I didn't want to be having Torchwood feels right now! (But seriously, that was my first thought too.)

      Delete
    8. I'm only on Series One, you guys! Ssh!

      Delete
  13. There are contexts that could make the bi comment and the broken-legged friend understandable. While the dude could have just been getting that fact out there, he could have put it in some context where it was supposed to turn her on (compare girls who make out with other girls to get attention) and she was informing him it didn't. Or she took it that way, when he was just telling her about himself, not trying to get her excited. I have multiple concurrent partners. Most of themget excited hearing what I have done with other women; some would rather not hear such things. It's quite possible that she thought he was trying to turn her on, and she informed him that it wouldn't work (indeed, this is how she clearly perceived it). Of course, it could be biphobic, but it may be trying a little too hard to read it that way. I wouldn't take, "I'm ok with the fact that you sleep with other women, but I'm not turned one hearing about what you've done with them" as some kind of personal criticism of my lifestyle. Perhaps I should?

    Similarly, the friend with the broken leg could have been very demanding and/or very unappreciative. It also sounds like she injured herself doing something extremely stupid, and there is something decidedly unpleasant about someone else doing something extremely stupid and you having to endure significant costs because of it. Especially if they are not appreciative. Though the part about crying at night suggests she really needs to learn how to communicate.

    Admittedly, you'd hope the stories would be better written so one could actually tell. But these seem like they're assuming from context that the writers are in the wrong; that may be unfair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, if you assume various things not in the story, you can make me wrong. But let's go with what's on the paper.

      If the first writer was really okay with bisexuality, I'm pretty sure the article header wouldn't read "Worst Date Ever: He Was Bisexual..."

      And if the second writer said NOTHING about her friend being demanding or unappreciative. Just that she needed her wheelchair pushed.

      Also, bear in mind that all these stories are blatantly fictional, so it's not like the outside information justifying them exists. What's on the page is literally all there is, and what's on the page is a couple of jerkass narrators who don't seem to know that they're jerkasses.

      Delete
    2. Good points. I didn't notice the title of the bi piece, which belies the idea that she was just telling him she didn't want to hear details. Was also unaware that these are blatantly fictional.

      Delete
    3. They're the PG-rated, for-women variety of the Penthouse letter. The person writing assures you it's all true, but the more you read, the more obviously fake it gets. "And then they got out the loofah...."

      Delete
    4. For real letters to magazines/columnists, often the person coming up with the title is an editor, not the letter-writer. If we give this one the benefit of the doubt as being possibly real, I wouldn't expect the title to provide meaningful clues about the author's true intentions.

      Delete
  14. Am I the only one who looked at "Innocent Mistakes That Blow a Job Interview" and thought "wow, they mentioned blowjobs on the cover"?

    It was an innocent mistake. I swear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I noticed that. I think it's supposed to be subliminal naughtiness or whatever.

      Delete
    2. Since I'm a subscriber (it was $5 and has provided my friends and me with a year's worth of mocking! Don't judge!), my cover has everything rearranged to make room for that white box where they put the address label. The job interview headline is on the right side of the cover, and "Blow" is DIRECTLY above "Job." I just about died laughing. Not at all subtle, that Cosmo.

      Delete
  15. I was SO PISSED about the biphobic "worst date ever" story. Ugh. How selfish do you have to be to assume that every word coming out of your date's mouth is intended to turn you on? He was fortunate to get away from her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And of course, it he hadn't brought it up on the first date, it would have resulted in an "OMG! He lied to me! Those terrible deceptive bisexuals, pretending to be normal people!" story.

      Delete
  16. It's nice that the tuna story is so obviously false. When people say, "but these stories *might* be true! Oh noes!" you can point them at the tuna story, and ask them to picture the chef really doing that. A TUNA. Wikipedia informs me that sushi tuna weigh between 400 and 1000 pounds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, tuna are like the size of cows. I was a little shocked the first time I saw one being butchered, lol, but it sure as hell was not at a dinner table.

      Delete
  17. Hooray! Cosmocking is back! So glad you're feeling better, Cliff-- I know it's a hard road, but stay strong.

    The bi guy thing... ugh. The girlfriend part is dreadful (unless it was an open relationship, but I doubt Cosmo would acknowledge such things), but I'd just be relieved he was open about it up front. People being honest with new potential partners- worst date ever!

    Also, the tuna story! I've been to fish markets in Japan; even LIFTING a whole sushi tuna is an effort (and those, mind you, were dead, not live and flopping about causing ruckus).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just trying to imagine the size of the tank the restaurant would have to keep in the back for the live tuna to swim in before they brought them out to be butchered with chainsaws. Especially if there's one for every table... sheesh!

      Delete
  18. Love these....check out cosmos website.....its awful...those poor kids that respond in the comments......they believe that Shit

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all about your upbringing. If you don't know how to be a teenager or adult, and no one around you actually talks to you about any of it, you're stuck relying on the toxic ideas in the popular media.

      I had a healthy dose of "buy what flatters your body and is within your budget, and you'll look good regardless of what company made it" and "but how would we know you don't like that toy if you don't tell us?" growing up, so I was immune to a fair bit of it. However, the whole sex thing--imagine growing up with a combination of hardcore Catholic repression AND copies of teen magazines at home.

      I just consider myself lucky that the teen magazine I picked up first just so happened to be Seventeen, which is good about not giving deliberately shitty advice just to enhance reader's "mysterious allure."

      Delete
    2. Oh gosh, this makes me want to put on my Truth helmet and go over to wage war against Horrible Sex Myth in the comments over there... Someone needs to help those poor kids out.

      Delete
  19. Hey Cliff, you want to go on a date where someone beheads a tuna in front of us? Because I haven't been on a date that involves chainsaw beheading yet.

    Actually, I think I would do that as a social activity with almost anyone, but I don't see you often enough, and you brought it up, so...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll totally go out for sushi with you, but all the places I know bring out the tuna in unexciting "nondescript slab of meat" form. :(

      There's probably places that will kill a tilapia or something like that fresh for you. No chainsaw though.

      Delete
    2. Maybe an eensy-weensy chainsaw that goes BRRREEEEETTTT?

      Delete
  20. hello Cliff, really enjoying your posts in general and of course the cosmocking ones. did you ever send them to cosmo?

    i also think it would be really, really awesome, if people everywhere would take these posts, print them out, and put them into the actual magazines, for all the buyers to read. that could make a lot of people give a little bit of thought about what exactly they are consuming there all the time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never sent Cosmocking to Cosmo. I've written them letters a couple times when they've published really terrible stuff (like advising women to hit their boyfriends without warning as "kink"), but I was always polite and never referenced my blog.

      Never got any response, of course.

      Delete
    2. I feel like, when you see someone advocating assault, that's one of those situations where it's entirely morally justified to not be polite.

      Delete
    3. Morally, sure, but if I fill the letter up with insults I give them an excuse to throw it in the crank file.

      I mean, they did that anyway (I'm not sure Cosmo staffers read any correspondence, I get the impression they ignore all genuine letters and falsify the ones they publish), but I figured it improved my odds of being taken seriously a bit.

      Delete
  21. Cliff, this may be a stoopid question, but I'll ask it anyway: have you ever had any communication with/from Cosmo or and of the people who work for Cosmo? Response to critique, threatened lawsuits, appreciation, official or unofficial anything? Just curious... despite evidence to the contrary, I doubt everyone who works there is a douchebag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, very interesting question indeed. I think Cliff maybe even has unofficial fans there. Can't think why they wouldn't know of this already and wouldn't secretly pass it along within the employees.

      Delete
    2. I've never heard of anything.

      Amusingly, Cosmo did once publish a picture I painted (in a still from a movie where the actor pretending to be the artist was a Featured Hunk or whatever), but I'm sure they have no idea...

      Delete
    3. I'm imagining this beautifully horrifying recursive thing, where Cosmo just gets worse and worse because the writers/editors are all secretly placing bets on which issue will finally get Cliff's head to explode, with a special payout for the writer whose piece is the one that finally does it...

      Delete
    4. It's really hard to make a living, or anything approximating a living as a writer... if one was offered a job doing hack work for Cosmo, it would be hard not to take it (though if I found myself in those shoes, I'd try to be subversive from the inside); anyway, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if Cliff's work has found fans inside Cosmo, and if some of the non-drones who write this drivel take joy in Pervocracy Cosmockings. That's my hope anyway.

      Delete
  22. Those post-its. I can't even!

    ReplyDelete
  23. If you actually read the magazine (I do, but I take its advice with a grain of salt because I know it's AWFUL), then you'd know it actually explains WHY the note on the right is more than platonic: It's slanted to the right, and studies show that a man subconsciously write slanted right to signal that he's attracted to the person to whom he's writing it, AND because "you" is slightly bigger, which means that he values you and your thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, well, in that case, it makes perfect sense!

      Delete
    2. I figured the logic was that his handwriting got sloppier because he was distracted by her womanly wiles. Or something. Cosmo logic...

      Delete
    3. But... I slant everything I write to the right. Does it mean that I'm attracted to everyone? (Wait a minute - being bisexual with a poly slutty past obviously means that I am. That PROVES the theory!)

      Delete
    4. I slant everything I write to the right too, but I'm asexual. I think we just ripped the space-time continuum.

      Delete
    5. Slanting to the right is pretty much the norm for right-handed people. (As a southpaw, I have to write in a really weird posture to AVOID backhanded slanting.) It's got nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with the way people write.

      (I make comics. I think WAY too hard about lettering, partly because I'm crap at it.)

      Delete
  24. That bisexual thing is so enraging. I can't believe that someone would just go out and say "your sexuality is kind of icky, so please don't talk about it in front of me, thanks" and then frame it as a faux pas of their date to even mention it. What kind of narcissist assumes that the only reason their date would mention being bisexual would be as a seduction attempt?

    On my first date with my now-boyfriend of two years, he told me he was bisexual and I had to force myself to remain composed because I am really turned on by bisexual guys. I was worried that I would be fetishizing his sexuality and making him uncomfortable, so it took a long time before I told him how hot I found it that he likes guys. Luckily, he thinks it's sexy how turned on I get when he talks about banging guys. : ) What a man, I love that guy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The kind of narcissist who lives in a society where bisexuality is framed entirely as a seduction attempt...? If the only exposure to bisexuality you've had is A) drunk girls making out to catch guys and B) girls' manga, where the boys are gay to turn the girls on (story's goal, not the boys' goal, but it still frames it as exists-to-make-girls-hot), it makes complete sense that you'd think your date was trying to seduce you with his hawt boy sexings on the side.

      Of course, even if he was, he's still bi at the end of the day, and a prim "dearie, I'm not turned on by gross things like you" is NOT the way you respond to someone coming out to you. Lady, who taught you your manners?

      Delete
  25. Augh! Cliff, your blog is being overrun by spambots! D:

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Augh! Evasive maneuvers! Deletion Torpedos, stand at the ready!

      Delete
    2. Hooray! You have saved us all, Cliff! You're our hero! :D

      Delete
  26. Just wanted to say thank you for giving me so many "OH, SHIT" moments and helping me realize the err of (some of) my ways. The people in my life appreciate the changes that have come as a result, too.
    I wish everyone could take something away from your blog and use it to better themselves-I think they'd be very pleasantly surprised at how quickly their relationships (possibly life in general) would improve.
    Thank you a million times over!
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Maybe the person doing the photoshopping of the Cosmo covers also draw manga or superhero comics... eschergirls.tumblr.com (I read tons of super hero comics, but the way women are drawn IS weird.)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Speaking of Cosmocking, I would like to mention a similar piece of weirdness I saw in Marie Claire a couple of years ago. They aren't quite as bad as Cosmo, but sometimes they can be funny.

    It was a short article, basiclly "Four tips to enhance your sex life". The first three tips were very mainstream and generic (I can't remember further) and seemed quite common-sensible. The fourth tip was: "Consider trying the balloon fetish, it seems like the next Big Thing in sexual play".

    Maybe the editor had accidentally stumbled to the balloon fetish community and concluded that a) stuffing yourself into a big latex balloon must be objectively hot because people are doing it and b)it's not yet mainstream because it's just so weird and more people must overcome the cultural taboo against balloon sex.

    Or maybe she was just projecting her personal interest :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. ...and if he writes something like the note on the left, there's also a 99.99999% chance that he's already pictured you in the nude.

    Because a lot of guys are just like that. Is this supposed to be breaking news for these people?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehe, yes! More like "If he's a guy you hang out with then there is a 99% chance he has pictured you in the nude.

      Delete
  30. Ran into this clip of Disney's Hercules and thought of you, Cliff!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO1IIlCDCEs

    "You know how men are. They think 'no' means 'yes' and 'get lost' means 'take me, I'm yours'."

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hеllo just happеned upon уour webѕіtе vіа
    Yahoo after І entеred in, "Blogger: The Pervocracy" or sоmеthing ѕimіlar (can't quite remember exactly). Anyways, I'm рleasеd I found
    it simρly becаusе yοur сontent is ехасtly ωhаt I'm looking for (writing a college paper) and I hope you don't
    mіnԁ іf I gather sοme mаteгial
    from heгe and I wіll οf сourse сreԁit you аs the rеfегence.
    Τhаnks for уour tіme.

    http://wωw.robotentertaіnment.cοm/user/і80equipmеnt
    Feel free to visit my page used bucket trucks for sale

    ReplyDelete
  32. Have you eveг thought about creating an e-boοk
    or guest authoring оn other sites? I hаvе a blog baѕed
    on the same subjеcts yоu disсuss аnd would lοve to
    hаve yоu share sоme storіeѕ/іnfoгmation.

    I know my audience would aρpreciate your ωoгk.
    If уou are even remotely interested, feel
    free to shoot me an e mail.

    http://www.ufodigest.com/users/i80equipment
    My web site - bucket trucks

    ReplyDelete
  33. I offer a phone sex service for a living and you would be surprised at how many of my callers are just ringing for a chat. It's not all smut and filth you know.
    Phone sex

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm a gay guy and I would definitely ask any co-worker "what do you think" about something work-related. I had a female co-counsel for my last trial and I would send her my notes all the time and say "what do you think of theming the case like this" etc… we were friendly, we worked well together. She's engaged, I'm gay. I doubt either of us were picturing the other nude. How often does that happen anyway? :-/

    The other seems so curt to me.

    Also the biphobia thing is sad because it's so borne out of the same thing that prevents men in relationships from having female friends: "my insecure jealousy is rational and justified because men can't control their urges". One of the joys of gay relationships for me is agreeing on other guys' hotness. And I've never been cheated on once. I know a lot of bi guys who 'settle' in a male-male relationship because the nastiness of women who see not only every other woman as a threat, but every other person, is too much to bear.

    Usually the Cosmo stuff is funny when you satirise it and point out its flaws. This month's was just kind of sad to me. There was a lot of self-hate (cupcakes), hatred towards others (the bisexual bf and the broken leg girl… one hopes there are no 'bffs' with permanent disabilities. That would be SO inconvenient), and of course the requisite massive dose of insecurity.

    Cosmo is confused and deluded most of the time. Bitter and hateful is a step further though. It can be so damaging. Especially when it's being sold as 'the norm' to young women. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny, I am a bisexual girl who recently met a bisexual guy and we totally hit it off for reasons other than our bisexuality - he was really cute and funny and smart, and we were having some mutual fun at a play party.

      But still, in a small way, I found it lovely and refreshing to be talking to a guy who knew from personal experience how crappy biphobia and some people's reactions to fucking with gender norms can be.

      He came out to me first and I didn't mention straight away that I was bi too, just acknowledged the statement and we kept talking, until later in the night when it came up organically. We shared a moment of smiling goofily at each other, knowing that there was no chance of crappy biphobic reactions on either side of the table.

      I wonder what Cosmo would have made of *that* conversation.

      Delete