Friday, January 3, 2014

Cosmocking Catchup: October-December '13!

How could I have let Cosmocking slide?  What has become of me?

Rather than stretch things out by doing the three (!) backlogged Cosmos I've got separately, I'm just going to make a mega-post with a little bit of the worst from October, November, and December.



Covers!  "The Scary Thing 90% of Men Fantasize About" is having sex with someone who isn't their partner! "Weird Things Guys Do When You're Not Around" basically comes down to sometimes they're naked!  I can understand the need to be shocking on the cover, but I can't forgive faking it, not in a world where "female kangaroos have three vaginas" is an actual fact!  And then there's Miley!  Wearing an otherwise see-through suit covered in rhinestones and encouraging us to "twerk your ass off"!  Yes, dear, you're very scandalous. Good for you. We're all very scandalized.
The kind of woman who's really rising in her career in her 20s tends to be high in testosterone [...] High-testosterone guys tend to be more aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive--and not as compassionate or emotionally expressive. High-estrogen guys, on the other hand, have no problem expressing their emotions and are trusting and empathetic but can be indecisive.
And guys who are high in black bile tend to be dry and cold and associated with the element of Earth.

This would almost be interesting if it was validated with blood tests and not the author going on to speculate that Barack Obama is probably high-estrogen because he called his wife "the boss."  As it is, it's just yet another weird attempt to go "oh no, I would never hold sexist and transphobic opinions, but you can't argue with science!"

Well, guess what?  I just put on glasses and a white lab coat.  Now I get to decide what objective truth is!  And, using some very long and newly-discovered words, I can tell you that according to SMIM1 Vel antigen levels and dynamic computed tomography, you are a poophead.
Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
Ow. No. Ow.  You know that feeling when you get soap in your eye?  Transpose that south a little and let me know if it sounds sexy.
You wake up with 2.5 minutes to spare before your alarm rings.  Rip off the cami you slept in, and tie it over his eyes. Now you can spin a fantasy using nothing but your words.  Here, we'll get you started: "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now, watching us..."
Since "try springing BDSM on him when he's least expecting it" was a couple issues ago, Cosmo has now upped the stakes to "try springing BDSM on him when he's goddamn asleep."

I do want to use this fantasy, though, because I live on the second floor.  "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now. They're hovering.  Sickly green flames flicker in the places where their eyes used to be."
Q: My boyfriend is a unicorn. He's not into porn or strip clubs. But I am. I'd love to watch porn while we're having sex or have a wild night at a strip club together. Are we incompatible? 
A: Guys who say they're not into porn are either lying or repressed... and lying.  [...] suggest a girl-on-girl scene to eliminate the possibility of him being intimidated by porn penises.  If he says no, you need to decide if you're okay being with a guy who's so closed off and unwilling to explore with you.
I'm not even explaining why this is wrong.  I can't.  It's like being asked "why wouldn't tinfoil make a good tampon?"  There's so many different layers of wrong that I'm just going to trip over myself trying to pick which one to talk about first.
I've never come even remotely close to playing make-believe in the bedroom. The truth is, I've been too scared! It's challenging enough to feel comfortable being yourself during sex, let along someone else.  Plus, what if my partner found my fantasy freaky? What if I bungled the dialogue?  What if I started giggling... or worse, what if he started laughing at me?
Then you'd be just like people who do this all the time, because we fuck up all the time.  What keeps the play hot is that we get good at rolling with it.  We get the giggles, but we can laugh together or shut it down with an evil "what are you laughing at?"  Our dialogue isn't perfect, but what we do is too intense to worry about critiquing the dialogue.  The standard we aim for isn't "seamless" but just "fun."

(Credit where credit's due, by the way; this article actually did a decent job explaining negotiation and safewords.)
Q: During my internship in college, my boss and I flirted a lot but never got physical. I used him as a reference to land my current job, and now that we don't work together, he's been asking me out. [...] 
A: [...] If you keep saying no, he could very well be so hurt or confused that he won't be able to serve as a reference for you (at least, not the kind of enthusiastic, professional reference you want).  So if you really do like him and he likes you, then say yes.
The new, feminist Cosmo, you guys!  Now with extra feminism!  And the occasional barely-veiled threat to sabotage your career if you say no to a date!

The weird thing is that the letter writer doesn't imply anything about her ex-boss withholding references or blackmailing her.  She just says he's asking her out and she's not sure if that's appropriate. The advice columnist (Ky Henderson) is the one who decided this needed a little extra spice in the form of explicit sexual harassment.
Lure his tongue into your mouth, and when he pulls it back, wrap your lips around the tip, sucking like you would during oral. It's an R-rated preview that will have him aching for the feature presentation.
Gluaghchkauh.  (That's not my reaction. That's the noise he would make.)
Set up a movie night on the couch, and tell him he's only getting to first base.  It's an innocent come-on that will make you both want more.  Letting him try to "convince" you to go further is half the fun.
I'm going to let Louis CK take this one:
(NSFW and talks about rape)


Geese mate for life. Riff on this concept of eternal intertwinement and wrap your leg over his back, which gives him access to your clitoris.
...Dammit.  I just can't stay mad at you, Cosmo.

83 comments:

  1. This one had me laughing out loud throughout. Bravo!

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  2. Geese mate for life. Riff on this concept of eternal intertwinement and wrap your leg over his back, which gives him access to your clitoris.

    Speaking of bizarre segues...

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    1. I know, right... What was up with this? Is it just as confusing in context?

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    2. From geese to clitoris in 25 words. Well done, Cosmo.

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    3. This probably confused me more than anything else. I've turned it over and over in my brain, but I just can't figure out a) what sort of goose the writer was thinking of that does that and b) what access that gives your partner to your clitoris that they wouldn't have had already. I'm starting to think that a lot of people think the clitoris lives in its own secret, combination-locked cave.

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  3. 1. So why wouldn't tinfoil make a good tampon?

    (I don't have the relevant bits, but I'm guessing the explanation involves the words "sharp" and "septic")

    I'm not into strip clubs, and if Woman feels that going to a strip club with me is an essential part of a satisfying sex life, we are incompatible.

    2. If someone tells me I'm only getting to "first base," I'll stop there. Which, as usual with Cosmo's various versions of this advice, will leave her feeling rejected and disappointed, and me with no idea why. It's hard for me to imagine how setting up a situation in which your partner is wrong no matter what might not be abusive.

    3. I think goose girl is constructed differenty from women I've slept with. And my GF points out that most positions allow the clitoris to be reached with the hands, which still counts.

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    1. What purpose do you think a tampon serves?

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    2. You missed the big one: tin foil isn't very absorbent.

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    3. Yeah, again, lacking the relevant bits, I forgot that absorbency is a necessary property. So add "not absorbent" to the list along with "sharp" and "septic".

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    4. Tampons are supposed to be absorbent.

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    5. Tin foil would probably make a better menstrual cup than tampon right up until the point of "there's no fucking way I'm putting spiky metal into my shitless anus"

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    6. "Shitless anus" is probably the worst euphemism for a vagina I've ever seen.

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    7. Trans guy. The other term I use is "dildo hole". I just figured that as we were discussing tinfoil menstrual sanitary products it wasn't possible to really lower the tone much further.

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    8. Thank you, anonymous trans guy, for improving my lexicon. <3

      And thank you, OP, for responding to some of the more absurd things in the article :D

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    9. Another thanks to anon trans guy from anon person whose brain flips a coin before fucking to determine approximate gender identity. I... will probably stick to 'dildo hole' but I will giggle at 'shitless anus'.

      Random recommendation: I like a variant on the feeldoe (depending on internal coinflip) and the rope guy who showed me a harness that would not result in many strands with extra feet of straps to tuck in... is awesome.

      Also: tinfoil itself won't be septic due to non-absorption. Wounds however... I <3 my Mirena.

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  4. At first glance I thought Miley Cyrus was covered in bees.

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    1. Miley Cyrus covered in bees... why does that sound so hot?

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    2. Am now writing a story in my head in which Eddie Izzard becomes Miley Cyrus's deportment teacher. Thanks a lot.

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    3. Then I have inspired something beautiful. My work here is done.

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  5. I think I injured myself laughing. Everything you post is great, but Cosmocking is sublime.

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  6. Long time reader, first time commenter. I missed your Cosmockings! This one was especially awesome. Maybe because I am tired and stressed out from traveling and needed to laugh. But still. It was objectively hilarious.

    Do those hovering neighbors have black hooded robes and morgul swords? I think they're Ringwraiths... (I just caught that part of Fellowship the other night on TV :p .)

    Also it's good to know asexual men don't exist in Cosmo's world. Or, sexual men who don't like porn or strip clubs, and who may or may not be more vanilla than some of us. But point is, if they (Cosmo) have a problem with this, I'm CERTAIN they don't believe in asexuals. Or unicorns.

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  7. I convinced my husband to let me try the tongue-sucking technique. Unfortunately, I couldn't even figure out the "lure his tongue into your mouth" step. I set up a baited trap and everything, but that was one elusive tongue.

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    1. Maybe you were using the wrong bait? Different tongues prefer different things, so make sure to look up your husband's tongue in "Harris' Tongue-Typing Field Guide (3rd ed.)" and classify it so that you can use the appropriate lure.

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    2. Reading this on the couch next to my ten year old cousin, trying not to laugh out loud because she'd want to share the joke, and my side hurts from holding it in!

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  8. You're awesome, but OH MY GOD Cosmo.

    'All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now. They're hovering. Sickly green flames flicker in the places where their eyes used to be.'

    All I could think was, "Welcome... to Night Vale."

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    1. What an odd coincidence. I just recently became a fan of that podcast and was talking about it with someone no more than an hour ago.

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    2. ...same here. That is exactly the sort of problem one might have in Night Vale.

      Cliff, by the way, you are awesome for doing these. Oh, Cosmo... it hurts, yet is so hilarious.

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    3. The Night Vale edition of Cosmo probably has more practical and inclusive sex advice, even if the fashion section advocates flowery neon trainer-boots with teddy-bears for tongues.

      (They exist. They're on the whatwouldcecilwear tumblr and I kind of want them.)

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    4. I read that bit and went, "This has been...traffic."

      Though I figure in Night Vale, the letter writer's boyfriend would have been a literal unicorn.

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    5. > "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now. They're hovering. Sickly green flames flicker in the places where their eyes used to be."

      "It is dark. You might be eaten by a grue."

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  9. The line about "what if he laughs" made me sad. I get that when people are naked and vulnerable there can be a bit of insecurity there, especially with a new partner. But if you're afraid of your partner laughing at you meanly during sex, rather than just general giggling signalling enjoyment / overcoming shared awkwardness etc., then maybe they're not that trustworthy or a great partner for you. Kinda reminds me of past, shitty sexual encounters with people I didn't like or trust. :/

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    1. If you're not meant to laugh during sex, then clearly I'm doing it wrong /all the time/.

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    2. I knew I'd found a keeper when my partner and I laughed and cracked jokes while we were having sex for the first time.

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    3. Me too! I laugh during sex for lots of reasons - if I'm having a good time, if something tickled, to smooth an awkward moment, if something genuinely amusing happens (like falling out of bed - I have done this before and both my partner and I fell about laughing - literally), if I'm with someone amazing and it feels surreal and wonderful and I can't help but laugh. BUT I found very early on that some people can get really concerned or upset by their partner's laughter, so I actually ended up telling partners BEFORE sex happened so they knew there was nothing wrong.

      But yeah. Mean laughter? Someone laughing AT you for being honest about your desires? Eurgh.

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    4. I know, right?

      I knew I'D found a keeper when a hot and serious passionate moment got disrupted by rhythmic queefing, resulting in both of us collapsing onto the bed and laughing about it.

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  10. I stopped reading Cosmo over 20 years ago because of this kind of crap - so NOTHING has changed!
    I think it is quite sad that Cosmo portray sex as such an inhibited experience. It will do nothing for the confidence of someone who has not had much sex.
    I honestly think that they are pitching the 'sex advice' at 18 year olds.

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    1. Pitching this kind of "sex advice" to a young audience is WORSE.

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  11. Google will be wondering why there has been a sudden surge in searches for "female kangaroo reproductive system" today.

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  12. Comradde PhysioProffeJanuary 4, 2014 at 1:59 PM

    "My boyfriend is a unicorn."

    Is this some kind of new "kids today" jargon that I'm too old to know? Because what the fucken fucke does this even mean?

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    1. It's the modern version of black swan: so rare that it's not supposed to exist. A mythical creature that one day does show up in your bedroom, stamping its hooves, lowering its horn coyly to waist level...

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    2. Seems to me that if your boyfriend is a unicorn, he'll get mean and angry as soon as you have sex.

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    3. But black swans exist. We have them here down under.

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    4. In a poly context (as I'm sure many of you know and many Cosmo editors do not) unicorns refer specifically to that wonderful person that puts the "trois" in "menage a trois."

      For me, that question seemed to be a pretty serious non-sequitur. "My boyfriend likes being the third in threesomes, but is not into porn or strip clubs. Help!"

      Uhh. OH. Unicorn in this case = "doesn't exist." Nice. Way to enforce the tropes, Cosmo. Er, I mean, Reader That Cosmo Totally Didn't Make Up.

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  13. On reread, it struck me that Cosmo helpfully tells you what your fantasies are. Thanks, Cosmo!

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    1. Srsly. Here's how it would go with me:

      "All the neighbours are watching..."
      "No."

      (I've met some of the neighbours. The fact that some of them are small children doesn't help, either.)

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    2. It seems to me-- and seeing The Room backs this up -- that there's a difference between "sex for the benefit of an audience" and "sex for the benefit of the participants," and very little in both categories.

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  14. Cosmocking *and* FSoG? This is a joyous holiday season indeed!

    This would almost be interesting if it was validated with blood tests and not the author going on to speculate that Barack Obama is probably high-estrogen because he called his wife "the boss."

    You don't get to be president without being "aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive," AND "emotionally expressive" (or at least a convincing approximation of the latter).

    You wake up with 2.5 minutes to spare before your alarm rings. Rip off the cami you slept in, and tie it over his eyes.

    Aside from the obvious unethicalness of this, I can't believe that more than one in ten people could sleep through getting a camisole tied around their head. It would more likely end in anything from sleepy confusion to panicked thrashing than sexytimes. "Wha, mmmff, honey, get your shirt off my face, I can't breathe."

    As for the internship one and the first base one, KILL THEM WITH FIRE.

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  15. Geese may mate for life but...they cheat. :)

    they've yet to find monogamous birds or mammals or fish, except for that one species of fish where the male attaches to the female for life. Literally, physically attaches to the female.

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  16. The whole "men who say they don't like porn are lying" meme needs to die, like, yesterday. Dan Savage likes to repeat that over and over again in his podcast. Then, one day, he was replying to a caller, and he said something along the lines of "I don't really watch porn. It's not my cup of tea." Which really didn't do anything for his credibility in my eyes.

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  17. I just picked up the February issue, and holy moly is this not the Cosmo I know. There are sections about women in relationships getting abortions, when love becomes unhealthily obsessive, women of color being represented on TV, and even a relationships/sex section for queer women. That last one was a total shock. They even defined the terms femme, butch, and boi and explained the difference between butch women and trans men. Something else struck me oddly--the lesbian dating/sex advice was more practical and sex-positive, emphasizing differences and communication. Nothing like Cosmo's typical straight dating advice.

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    Replies
    1. Few more add-ons:
      1) The aforementioned queer dating section stresses that orientation is fluid and amorphous.
      2) There's a #WhatGayLooksLike page in the aforementioned section that displays lesbian women of all styles, sizes, and colors, in efforts to dispel myths about what lesbians are supposed to look like.
      3) 50 Shades is shown as an unhealthy example in the section about love becoming obsession.

      ...i-is that you, Cosmo?

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    2. Was this the American edition? I've heard it's different in other countries.

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  18. "The whole "men who say they don't like porn are lying" meme needs to die, like, yesterday. Dan Savage likes to repeat that over and over again in his podcast. "

    Seriously. I don't think porn is immoral, but some straight women do, or just don't like it, and being told, "Well, you just have to put up with your man doing something you think is horrible, all men do it so STFU" is garbage. Not all men do it, if you don't like it you can find a man you're compatible with.

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    1. I don't know if that's ever been his exact attitude. Savage is generally on the side of saying that some things are the "price of admission", ie, if you don't like something about someone, it's perfectly fine to declare it a dealbreaker, but don't try to claim that because of your dislike that the person has to change that. And it is also true that a great, great many men look at porn at least occasionally, so if you want one who never has, never does and never will, you're probably going to be looking for a long time.

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    2. NOPE, Anonymous #2. See http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=15715 for one example of Savage expressing "all men do it, so STFU" as his exact attitude.

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    3. The impression I've gotten from Savage is that when he says "porn" he means "consumes erotic media" and with that in mind we can expand his truism to cover almost all human beings.

      In practice, Savage's attitude is that it's unreasonable to ask someone to never look at porn, but it's not unreasonable to ask them to look at it on a private computer/private browsing/clear their history etc. or to ask them to modify their tastes toward amateur porn/erotica instead of gross/terrifying/violent mainstream porn.

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  19. Also, the whole "if you don't like porn and strip clubs you're close minded and unwilling to explore" thing is garbage whether aimed at women or men. If you don't like porn and strip clubs...you don't like them. Find a partner who agrees with you. The end.

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  20. "This would almost be interesting if it was validated with blood tests"

    Wouldn't that just be proving sexism true, using blood tests? Which would be really shitty. "Well, looking at these blood tests and studies we can see that people with higher testosterone tend to be more aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive, and not as compassionate or emotionally expressive as people with higher estrogen. So the overwhelmingly majority of cis men are and always will be more aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive than you emotional high-estrogen cis ladies. Sorry! Enjoy your shitty pay and low-status jobs."

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    1. No, it doesn't follow. Lots of feminists today believe that it's important to encourage boys to be emotional and caring and so on, and important to encourage girls to be tough, in order to counter-act sexist influences from our culture. If we somehow found out through scientific means that gender differences depend on biology and not just on culture, one might just as well draw the conclusion that raising kids in this way is a) even MORE important than we used to believe, and b) something we can never give up on, but something we have to do anew for each generation.
      If one thought gender differences were BAD, these are the proper conclusions to draw. Empirical science's job is to tell us how things work, but that still leaves the question open as to whether something is good or bad.

      Sure, if science were to prove that our exact personalities are 100 % hard-wired into our DNA and that the way we raise our kids and the culture they grow up in have absolutely ZERO effect on the way they turn out we might just as well give up, but that is so unlikely that it's not even worth considering.

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    2. If Science™ were to conclusively prove that each and every cis man is more P or less Q than each and every cis woman, I'd definitely argue for structuring society to reflect that reality. But as long as we're only talking tendencies, even if there is strong evidence for those tendencies being rooted in biology, everyone should get a chance to be hirself.

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    3. It would be interesting if there were blood tests validating an association between hormones and personality. It wouldn't prove that one personality is better than another, or that they deserve to be treated differently, or that everyone of a particular gender has a particular hormone balance. And it's all sort of a moot point because no such tests exist anyway.

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  21. Yeah, that's anglerfish. But luckily humans can decide whether to be monogamous or not and find similarly inclined people to date. I don't care what geese do, it's no excuse for humans cheating.

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  22. Kangaroos have three vaginas. Channel this biological quirk by suggesting a four-way with your boyfriend and two other women.

    Platypi lay eggs. Experience a similar feeling by using anal beads.

    Male seahorses carry offspring to term. Put a pillow under your shirt after you do the naughty deed with her.

    Monkeys sometimes throw poop at each other for fun. Since no woman should ever poop, you can't really do this. We're sorry.

    So, Cosmo, how much do you pay per word? :D

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  23. I just wanted to sat that every time I've seen a Cosmo for the last three months I have thought of you and I'm so glad you're back!

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  24. But, but, but, how will we be morally secure in our life choices without BIOFACTS to back them up?

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  25. I knew what that Louie CK clip was going to be before I clicked it, but I still appreciated it.

    Trying to get someone to rape you is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. Either he doesn't, and you're both disappointed at the end of the night, or he does, and you've just taught him that women are really into it, no matter how much they say no. Which he will apply to his next encounter. You're teaching him that women want to be raped.

    Fuck everything about this.

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  26. I misread the top-left title on the yellow cover as "12 Kinky Quiches".

    It says a lot about Cosmo that I thought this a plausible title.

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  27. BIOFACTS of non-human animals whose biology is different from ours, especially! METAPHORS MATTER MORE THAN FACTS.

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  28. I don't understand the geese thing. (I don't understand most cosmo things, but my confusion here feels more profound.) Do geese wrap their legs around each other when they mate? Is this common knowledge?

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  29. When I read the "my boyfriend is a unicorn" questions, I thought at first that she meant her boyfriend was into some kind of roleplay where he acts like a unicorn. That probably would have been a more interesting question than "my bf doesn't like porn or strip clubs but I do, are we incompatible?" Although I don't think Cosmo would have known how to handle a question about roleplaying as a unicorn in bed.

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    1. I thought it meant that he thought he was a unicorn, like some people think they have dragon souls and so on, in that being a unicorn was some part of his identity. I thought it was very respectful that it was phrased "My boyfriend is a unicorn." rather than "My boyfriend THINKS he is a unicorn." But I couldn't work out what this had to do with him not liking porn.
      And then when I figured it didn't mean that he identified as a unicorn, the only connection I could think of for a while was some equivalency between unicorn horns and erect penises, which was significantly more confusing.
      I finally assumed they in fact mean that he is "pure".

      Delete
    2. One way I've seen "a unicorn" used a lot in a polyamory context is to describe a bisexual person who is willing to date an already-established couple. Apparently that's seen as quite rare.

      So I thought her boyfriend secretly wanted to be part of a M/M/F threesome, which might have been more interesting.

      But I'm pretty sure that Cosmo would have handled that badly too. >.<

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    3. You mean that they DIDN'T mean unicorn as a bi person who dates a couple??? Then I have NO idea what they were getting at...

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  30. Ugh, joining the "that meme needs to die" camp regarding men, strip clubs, and porn. I used to feel like a freak that I wasn't really into those things, and combined with trans stuff, felt like OBVIOUSLY MY GENDER IS A LIE.

    Seriously, shockingly, there are men who aren't into that. It shouldn't be that big a deal.

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  31. PSA Kids:
    Do NOT use menthol shaving cream on your genitals, nor near your anus.

    Also, that one big window? Leave the ass print gently lest you break it.

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  32. Okay, I need you to know that I'm sick right now with some horrible chest congestion, and when I laugh, I cough so hard it sounds like demons are trying to escape through my windpipe. I should know better than to read your posts, but when I got to this section:

    "I do want to use this fantasy, though, because I live on the second floor. 'All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now. They're hovering. Sickly green flames flicker in the places where their eyes used to be.'"

    I laughed/coughed/choked/wheezed so hard that I thought I might die.

    Worth it.

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  33. The one thing everyone is missing about male geese is that they're kinda notorious for raping female geese. To the point where female geese have corkscrew vaginas that they can make opposite the corkscrew of the male's penis to prevent pregnancy. I'm at a loss as to how to make that erotic.

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