Friday, April 22, 2011

Cosmocking: May '11! Part Three!

God help me I'm ending this.

Heels today are actually built like weapons. They're higher and thinner than they've ever been before. [...] We don't endorse violence, but if you find yourself in a scary situation, it is nice to know you could protect yourself. Self-defense expert Steve Kardian, who specializes in women's safety, says the ideal way to wield your heel is by gripping it right above the toe with the bottom pointed away from you.
So it's come to this, Cosmo. Telling women to defend themselves by using their high heels as weapons. This is the end of the road, isn't it. For some reason I can't stop thinking of the end of Apocalypse Now when Martin Sheen reaches the huge temple in the jungle with people in cages and dead bodies just lying around and realizes that this is it. Civilization has crumbled away and the degradation of humanity is complete.

Also, the caption is "Fashion victim just took on a new meaning." and that only makes it worse.

[Picture of a guy carrying a shoulder bag]
"Worse than a fanny pack. Haven't you heard? The man purse is way out."

I never really thought about this before, but it must be hard to carry things when you're a man. You've either got to fit it in your pockets or go straight to a backpack. If you want to carry a glasses case, a book, a water bottle, anything at that level--what do you do? Carry a briefcase everywhere? If we don't at least keep up our respect for the "messenger bag" and "satchel" as manly masculine grrr, there's going to be knapsacks and suitcases on every damn subway seat.

Or we could throw out all this nonsense and declare that everyone's allowed to carry their possessions however strikes them as practical, and next thing you know, men in skirts, mass hysteria, cats and dogs living together, which would be terrible because... well, cats and dogs just aren't supposed to live together, that's why.

Now I'll shut down your thought processes by laughing a lot and stressing my voice sarcastically when I talk about the very concept, because if I called it "wrong" you might argue, but if I call it "ridiculous" then I'll just call you "ridiculous" if you argue and who's going to bother to listen to a ridiculous person? Ha ha ha, man purses.

Most men aren't super-detail-oriented creatures--duh! So whether you want to make a lasting impression on a first date or just want your long-term beau to remember crucial facts (like that your sister's upcoming birthday party is a surprise!), mention them while wearing a rose-scented perfume.
Wow. See, I expect casual misandry from Cosmo, and I expect things that make so little sense that I frown and tilt my head like an eager-to-please dog who knows "sit" and "fetch" but was just ordered to "quorbazartie," but I've never seen them working in such perfect concert before.

This is the end... beautiful friend... this is the end... my only friend, the end...

Bikini Emergency Plan
I have a bikini emergency plan, in case I am ever emergently required to wear a bikini.

STEP ONE: Put on bikini.
STEP TWO: Walk around in bikini, lie in sun, swim, etc.

"Guys sometimes have a middle-of-the-night uncontrollable craving where we need pleasure right now. Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice, and I'd lie there until she woke up... but by then, the animalistic drive was gone."

Of our elaborate plans... the end
Of everything that stands... the end
No safety no surprise... the end
I'll never look into your eyes again


[palm trees go up in flames]

35 comments:

  1. This is where I'm going to jump in and add my voice to all those asking you to write a book. Please write a book! I promise I'll buy a copy if you do. The humor! The wit! You write wonderfully and you have really interesting, awesome things to say about sexuality and gender and people and whatnot. It makes my brain very happy. Please write a book! I'll buy copies for my friends too.

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  2. My personal favorite bit was, "Any candle can set the mood, but a minty one...is the best choice for a marathon night of lovin'. In a study by Wheeling Jesuit University, men and women who played different workout-based video games (like Wii) maintained a steadier heart rate and remained engaged in the game longer when they were exposed to the scent of peppermint."

    STATEMENTS THAT FOLLOW EACH OTHER. SHOULD HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHER. MONKEY CAT DISHWASHER ATOM BOMB.

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  3. I am becoming more and more convinced that Cosmo is actually either a masterful hoax or an elaborate and long-running modern-art project a la Joaquin Phoenix.

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  4. It is true! I can only remember things when they are paired with rose-smell. This is why I did all my studying for my geography test in a rose garden, so that when I smelled the sweet scent of roses I would of course naturally associate them with Macedonia's infant mortality rate.

    A rose by any other name would smell like eight and a half dead babies out of a thousand born.

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  5. Shadowcell, I will have you know I am crying with laughter.

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  6. Oh, gawd, I hit the "Page Down" and the Doors lyrics popped up and I just Lost. My. Shit.

    Holly Pervocracy, you're my hero...

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  7. MESSENGER BAGS are unmanly now? For chrissake... Preppy, maybe, but good grief.

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  8. Some days I feel like this site will eventually give me hernia. It's a perversely nice feeling.

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  9. I have a good friend who bought a tube of generic vagina cream to put in his man bag. (We all carry them, for the record) And just in case anyone asks what he keeps in his man purse, he can say "Vagina cream" as a sort of preemptive strike. (It is much better than the real answer, which is guns and drugs and Magic cards.)

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  10. Forget men. What are we semi-butch chicks supposed to do if messenger bags are suddenly girly? I have spent a long time working on my button collection on there, and I don't appreciate going back to the ALL THE POCKETS IN THE UNIVERSE* strategy.

    *It is totally possible to carry a book, a glasses case and a water bottle in a pair of cargo pants.

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  11. "Guys sometimes have a middle-of-the-night uncontrollable craving where we need pleasure right now. Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice,

    Indeed. How dare a woman not awake from a deep sleep to give her partner an orgasm? It's not like humans need sleep in order to live, or anything.

    and I'd lie there until she woke up... but by then, the animalistic drive was gone."

    I love how the tone of this is sentence is all "I was horny and you ruined it!" but the actual content of the sentence is like, "...and as it turns out, horniness is often a fleeting impulse so there's no point in panicking like it's a medical emergency every damn time." I mean, if the urge to orgasm was something that never went away on its own - if it always built up and up until it became unbearable and maybe the guy's nutsack ruptured - that would almost be grounds for waking someone up. But he says outright that it usually just vanishes!

    ...Also, dude, were your hands severed in a freak accident or are you just too stupid to JERK OFF?

    -perversecowgirl

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  12. "Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice, and I'd lie there until she woke up... but by then, the animalistic drive was gone."

    Written by a woman. I bet if I took a poll, my guy friends would say that'd fall back asleep or take care of it themselves.

    There is also a good possibility of just waking the girl up for some midnight fun, but some of us are bears and like to rip off faces when woken up. Most guys are smart enough to know if this is the case.

    Men? Smart? Sorry, I forgot we're looking at Cosmo here.

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  13. perversecowgirl: Jerk off? But there was a woman right there!

    (Goddamn. I know that was sarcastic, and I still felt like a dickbag for saying it.)

    Babylon: They... make a cream for that now?

    Shadowcell: Dude, there is no way I'm going to laugh that hard again today. And it's only 0930!

    Holly: Fortunately, none of my motorcycle riding, messenger bag carrying buddies read Cosmo, so if I keep my mouth shut, they'll all remain blissfully unaware of how girly their Zo bags have become.

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  14. Ozymandias,

    "Forget men. What are we semi-butch chicks supposed to do if messenger bags are suddenly girly?"

    I want to go on record now as stating that my purse has MOLLE straps and therefore it is not either girlie!

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  15. """I never really thought about this before, but it must be hard to carry things when you're a man."""

    hells yes.
    This is why I wear a vest everywhere with tons of pockets. Being in Cambridge, I know I could carry around whatever I wanted as long as it wasn't a weapon*. But I happen to enjoy acting stereotypically masculine.

    * Actually, I don't know what would happen if I walked around with a broadsword slung over my shoulder.

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  16. Tam-- I didn't know "purses with MOLLE straps" existed before, but suddenly I can't live without one.

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  17. Do you watch the Daily Show? They showed this clip recently: https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwatch.thecomedynetwork.ca%2Fthe-daily-show-with-jon-stewart%2Ffull-episodes%2Fthe-daily-show-with-jon-stewart---april-13-2011%2F%23clip448500&h=8677b

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  18. Holly, you've seen Apocalypse Now, and you referenced it...

    I think I...I think I...love you? Or something, but anyway, it's a good feeling.

    And, yeah...I think they just watch romantic comedies, and all the numerous guys they meet that y'know, aren't like that, they just brush off as being "freak exceptions", or something.

    I dunno.

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  19. First of all, my purse has MOLLE straps too, but there's no sense in saying out loud to some random passerby, "Hey, it's manly, it's a Molly Bag."

    Second, I solve the thorny problem of looking like a dork by saying "fuck it" and doing what I want, so I just carry my bag. I even used to wear a fanny pack.

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  20. ...actually, I do carry a backpack around everywhere, for pretty much the purpose you describe. Sneak has a sort of tote bag made out of He-Man bedsheets, but we haven't used it in a while.

    Though one of my cis flatmates have demonstrated to me how much crap you can fit in a pair of cargo pants from the men's section. God, why the hell is there such a difference in pocketicity from section to section? Everyone needs pockets!

    --Rogan

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  21. Dear Rogan,

    Thank-you for inventing the work Pocketicity. When Passover is over, I want to bake you cupcakes.

    SL

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  22. Lack of usable pockets in women's clothes has long been one of my favorite rants... and now, "pocketicity" has become my new favorite word. Hat tip to you, sir.

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  23. Holly, your Cosmocking posts are one of my favorite things ever. <3

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  24. Butbutbut...how could that stupid "animalistic drive" thing have been written by a woman? Is Cosmo acknowledging the existence of lesbians now?

    -perversecowgirl

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  25. Though one of my cis flatmates have demonstrated to me how much crap you can fit in a pair of cargo pants from the men's section. God, why the hell is there such a difference in pocketicity from section to section? Everyone needs pockets!

    *makes note to self about cargo dress*

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  26. @perlhaqr

    I have a cargo dress. It is the best thing ever to happen to summer.

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  27. I carry my shitte in a purse with a shoulder strappe.

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  28. Re: Anonymous

    IT IS SO TRUE. It frustrates me so much. This body can not fit into men's section jeans ever, and I actually have developed the habit of doing down the racks, shoving my hands into pockets like some kinda denim fetishist, trying to find one that I can fit my entire hand into.

    Seriously, what the hell, does the size of your hip-to-waist ratio dictate whether you own a purse or not? I CARRY MY KEYS IN THOSE THINGS DAMMIT.

    --Rogan

    PS: and don't even get me STARTED on those slacks that have FAKE POCKETS. *shakes fists at sky*

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  29. I know I am a it late to the party, and others have commented on the sheer awfulness of the last section you quoted, but I am STILL not over it yet.

    I am much more reluctant to use the word "rape culture" than many. For several of the "milder-though-still-indicative-of-troubling-stuff" examples you gave in your posts on the topic, I personally would have probably used something along the lines of "dysfunctional sexuality/gender culture" instead.*

    But for something like this - heck, what other word than "rape culture" could possibly be used to describe it?! FFS, the entire point of that story is "how dare she not want sex when I want it"!

    And the choice of words makes it so, so much worse. It would have been bad enough had he written something like "but ugh, she was asleep and not putting out!" or "I tried waking her up, but she said she was tired and not in the mood", but no - it's "that was when her legs became a closed vice".** That makes it sound as if he has actually tried physically prying her legs apart. And more, it kinda implies that, if he'd only managed to actually wrench them apart, he would have gotten what he wanted and not have to undergo the awful ordeal of not getting his "uncontrollable craving" satisfied "right now". Yes, I realize "closed vice" was probably only meant as a poetic metaphor, but what a metaphor to choose. Made me shudder to read it, seriously.

    Honestly, that may be the worst I'd heard from Cosmo yet, and that's saying something.


    *Please note that this is in no way meant as a criticism of your choice to use the term! I understand the strategic importance of using provocative, non-fudging terms and it's a very valid approach. I am just pointing out my own very narrow use of the term, not trying to imply anything about your use of it.

    **Also, I'm not a native speaker, but isn't it "closed vise"? Freudian slip, mayhap?

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  30. High heels or any hard heels make good weapons when used to stamp on the feet of an attacker that holds one from behind. The theory goes that to maintain a restraining hold and not fall over the attacker needs to hold the victim close - you then stamp on a foot and run away as they drop their hold and yowl in pain. The injury to the foots stops them chasing you. We assume they are not wearing steel toed work boots ....

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  31. Hershele OstropolerMay 4, 2011 at 8:44 PM

    I never really thought about this before, but it must be hard to carry things when you're a man. You've either got to fit it in your pockets or go straight to a backpack. If you want to carry a glasses case, a book, a water bottle, anything at that level--what do you do? Carry a briefcase everywhere? If we don't at least keep up our respect for the "messenger bag" and "satchel" as manly masculine grrr, there's going to be knapsacks and suitcases on every damn subway seat.

    I have a messenger bag. I can put it on whichever side of me has room (on my lap on the subway, on my side when I'm walking to the right of directly in front on a crowded train or elevator, etc.) and easily reach into it without taking it off or, in some cases, breaking stride. My father never liked it, at least when he didn't fully accept my sexuality (straight, cis, and no need to prove it). Whatever, fuck the haters.

    My current one was a present from my girlfriend, years ago. If the bag (or the relationship) falls apart before civilization does, the next one will be from the Army/Navy store on West 8th.
    * * *
    There is also a good possibility of just waking the girl up for some midnight fun, but some of us are bears and like to rip off faces when woken up. Most guys are smart enough to know if this is the case.

    My girlfriend could certainly wake me up for funtimes, though she refuses to for some reason. I know I couldn't wake her for that.

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  32. I've got to second Tam here. Holly, you are wonderful!
    Calling people out on their illogical, misandric and/or misogynistic crazy talk -- or even just on not making any damn sense -- would be pretty awesome. But to do so not only with wit and humour, but with Doors lyrics and good movie references? Spectacular!

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  33. ""Guys sometimes have a middle-of-the-night uncontrollable craving where we need pleasure right now. Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice, and I'd lie there until she woke up... but by then, the animalistic drive was gone.""

    Hey, I get that too! That's when I masturbate and go back to sleep! Weird...

    Oh and if my gf woke up and was like "Oh my god why are you masturbating?" I'd probably say "because I was horny and didn't want to wake you up. Sorry."

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  34. Was that a Doors reference at the end? Respect +50,000

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  35. So, wait... men aren't "super-detail oriented creatures," but 89% of engineers are men (a whole other can of worms, that), which is all about the details...

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