God help me I'm ending this.
Heels today are actually built like weapons. They're higher and thinner than they've ever been before. [...] We don't endorse violence, but if you find yourself in a scary situation, it is nice to know you could protect yourself. Self-defense expert Steve Kardian, who specializes in women's safety, says the ideal way to wield your heel is by gripping it right above the toe with the bottom pointed away from you.
So it's come to this, Cosmo. Telling women to defend themselves by using their high heels as weapons. This is the end of the road, isn't it. For some reason I can't stop thinking of the end of Apocalypse Now when Martin Sheen reaches the huge temple in the jungle with people in cages and dead bodies just lying around and realizes that this is it. Civilization has crumbled away and the degradation of humanity is complete.
Also, the caption is "Fashion victim just took on a new meaning." and that only makes it worse.
[Picture of a guy carrying a shoulder bag]
"Worse than a fanny pack. Haven't you heard? The man purse is way out."
I never really thought about this before, but it must be hard to carry things when you're a man. You've either got to fit it in your pockets or go straight to a backpack. If you want to carry a glasses case, a book, a water bottle, anything at that level--what do you do? Carry a briefcase everywhere? If we don't at least keep up our respect for the "messenger bag" and "satchel" as manly masculine grrr, there's going to be knapsacks and suitcases on every damn subway seat.
Or we could throw out all this nonsense and declare that everyone's allowed to carry their possessions however strikes them as practical, and next thing you know, men in skirts, mass hysteria, cats and dogs living together, which would be terrible because... well, cats and dogs just aren't supposed to live together, that's why.
Now I'll shut down your thought processes by laughing a lot and stressing my voice sarcastically when I talk about the very concept, because if I called it "wrong" you might argue, but if I call it "ridiculous" then I'll just call you "ridiculous" if you argue and who's going to bother to listen to a ridiculous person? Ha ha ha, man purses.
Most men aren't super-detail-oriented creatures--duh! So whether you want to make a lasting impression on a first date or just want your long-term beau to remember crucial facts (like that your sister's upcoming birthday party is a surprise!), mention them while wearing a rose-scented perfume.
Wow. See, I expect casual misandry from Cosmo, and I expect things that make so little sense that I frown and tilt my head like an eager-to-please dog who knows "sit" and "fetch" but was just ordered to "quorbazartie," but I've never seen them working in such perfect concert before.
This is the end... beautiful friend... this is the end... my only friend, the end...
Bikini Emergency Plan
I have a bikini emergency plan, in case I am ever emergently required to wear a bikini.
STEP ONE: Put on bikini.
STEP TWO: Walk around in bikini, lie in sun, swim, etc.
"Guys sometimes have a middle-of-the-night uncontrollable craving where we need pleasure right now. Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice, and I'd lie there until she woke up... but by then, the animalistic drive was gone."
Of our elaborate plans... the end
Of everything that stands... the end
No safety no surprise... the end
I'll never look into your eyes again
[palm trees go up in flames]