Saturday, April 23, 2011


Cosmo tells me not to "bark orders like a drill sergeant," ("DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY THRUSTS! HOOAHH!"), but I think one of the hottest kinds of sex is the kind where one partner knows exactly what they want, to the half-inch and half-second, and is able to tell the other person in real-time.

I'm not talking about "I want you to put your finger in my ass," here. I'm talking about "I want you to put your finger just a little in my ass and let me relax... okay, now a little further, okay, add a little more lube and then push it in... oh yes that's good, bend it forward and rub my prostate but don't thrust and let me get used to it again..."

It's an interesting power dynamic, it's excellent communication, it's just plain fun on both sides, and there's something wonderful about just how in touch with your body you can become by doing it.

The hard part, even in a very supportive relationship, is giving yourself permission to do it. My default "script"--somewhat culturally learned, somewhat my own tendencies--is to basically play "hot and cold" with my sexual responses. I'll stop you if you do something unpleasant and I'll encourage you if you do something nice, but when it comes to what these nice things are, I tend to just take what I'm given. I worry that I'll ask for something my partner doesn't want to do, or that I don't even know what I want.

The truth is that my partner, if they're any good at all, wants to do most things that make me happy and is perfectly capable of giving an non-horrified "nah, not that" if they don't. And more deeply, the truth is that my body often does know what it wants, when I listen. My body is amazingly adept at knowing just exactly how its own pleasure works, when just a touch more stroking would be perfect or whether I need you to hold just right there don't you dare move, when pain will hurt and when pain will feel better than coming. The truth is that I have no problem at all knowing that the best things in the world are deep firm pressure in my pussy and big bruising bites on my shoulders. I just have trouble believing and saying it.

Cueing your partner through sex isn't something to do every time; it's too one-sided and frankly could get annoying if you always did it. But it's a wonderful exercise in saying--and in knowing--exactly what you want.


  1. Hear, hear! I've gotten to the point where I know a lot about what things I like and what things I don't. When I first got introduced to BDSM, I somehow picked up the attitude that pain was pain and if you like one kind, that means you pretty much have to submit to anything. But it's not so. I know I hate, say, electric play but love getting beaten. But not really by stingy things; riding crops are aesthetically hot, but really I prefer thuddy things. And I like them on my thighs/lower-ass (if that's a term) but not on my upper-ass (again, if that's a term). It's all very specific. A lot of the times I feel kind of shy about laying it all out but at the same time, these are the things I li-i-i-iiikee!! *whine*

    But then, on the other hand, when I'm topping, I like to know exactly what my partner likes! I can choose *not to take advantage* of those things, but I want to *know* so I'm aware of the exact effect I'm having. I want to know the exact perfect way to turn someone on AND to threaten someone so I can choose the right thing to do based on what I want to accomplish.

  2. My boyfriend's needs are constantly day he'll crave a bit of pain, the next day not; one day he'll want to be bitten, the next he'll hate biting and want a spanking instead.

    I can't dom him the way I would normally dom a boy because the "on button" keeps freaking moving around, so nowadays he just flat-out tells me what he wants, when he wants it.

    Yeah, technically he's topping from the bottom, but I like knowing that I'm giving him exactly what he craves. Also, hearing him beg to be slapped in a high, breathy, desperately-turned-on voice makes me feel like my clitoris will explode. So.


  3. My body knows what feels good (or bad), but isn't much good at telling me what *else* would feel good (or bad). I have no idea how I'd respond to prostate play, for example.

    And that's unfortunate, because I agree that being asked for something is hot.

  4. Bruno: I think having my partner ask to try something that they've never tried before would also be really hot! Or at least really fun.

  5. Fun thing about my life: being able to hear the thoughts and feel the feelings of my hubby.

    Pleasure transfers through really good, by the way.


  6. Sophia, NOT Loren!May 23, 2011 at 8:26 AM

    As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I find that sex often consists primarily of this type of cueing.

    Unfortunately, I've found that with the few partners I've had, it comes across as "demanding" or "being a Pillow Princess" or "kills the mood" when I realize, for example, "hey, being stroked from that angle isn't comfortable or fun and is starting to make my legs cramp," and try to communicate that with "a little to the left, no... little more... just a touch lower and let me relax my legs..."

    I think there's a balance between the absolute and obvious (from my end of things) hotness in cueing that you've mentioned, and the "you have to do everything I say, exactly the way I say it, or I don't like you" which seems to be how it gets misinterpreted sometimes... and the midpoint could be an incredible thing for everyone!