Monday, November 21, 2011

Cosmocking: December '11! Part One!

Pink cover!  Adele!  Oh my God there's a woman over 120 pounds on the cover of Cosmo oh my God!  I'm vaguely insulted they put her in leopard print because maybe I'm reading too much into this but I feel like leopard print is kinda code for "She may be fat, but she's fabulous" in a condescending sort of way!  "When He Shouldn't See You Naked!"  Hopefully this will include when you are in public or meeting his parents!  Unless his parents are nudists, then it's only polite!  "Shit My Guy Says: Where's a Muzzle When You Need One?" Oh no Cosmo no Cosmo no!
The Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done: "I hooked up with my professor!"
[Ending line:] Peter and I ended our fling soon after I graduated. I knew it wasn't right, but hey: My school prides itself on cultivating close student-professor relationships.  Let's just say it succeeded. Oh, and I got an A in the class.
The whole article is written in that sort of smirking ain't-I-a-stinker tone.  Which nicely avoids the real issues involved, which go way beyond "it's so naughty."  Like: what would happen if you wanted to stop seeing him while you were still in the class?  Is this why you didn't break it off until graduation?  Would you consider adding a line or two about how this generally isn't a good idea when you publish it in a magazine widely read by high-school and college girls?
[How to tell if a guy is lying about his "number"]
-He grabs an object, like his pillow.
-He repeats the question.
-He bites his lip.
...So, basically, if your boyfriend is lying to you, he'll start speaking like Kristen Stewart.  (Actually, the pillow-clutch is just silly and the question-repeating is "cartoon bad liar," but lip-biting can also mean "I'm nervous about how you're going to react to the truth, but here I go.")
[A completely random listing of penis nicknames, including "dick" and "cock" and whatnot, but also:]
Winston Churchill
Squirt gun
Pogo stick
Twinkie
Lizard
Dolphin
Hog
What?  Why? What?  ...Hog?  ...Winston Churchill???
Push an exercise ball up against the wall, have him sit on it, and bounce on him.
Another word for those balls is "balance balls."  Because most of the exercise you get from them is due to the added effort of trying not to fall off.  Do I have to spell out the problem here?  Okay, here's another one--most of those balls are rated to 250 pounds.  If he's 180 and you're 120, and you're bouncing, that poor thing doesn't stand a chance.
A study determined that guys lose their desire if they're not mentally turned on.
That must be from the same issue of the The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies where they found that people who weigh more pounds tend to be heavier.
Bind his wrists before you perform oral on him. A study discovered that women find fellatio empowering, and restricting him heightens that ballsy feeling.
Clearly the work of the MJTS's intellectual rival, The New England Journal Of Anally Derived Knowledge.  I don't know about you, but I feel empowered when I'm able to make important decisions and see the things I decided carried out.  I do not feel so empowered when I have a dick in my mouth.  It's not necessarily disempowering or whatever, it's just... I'm having sex.  I'm anywhere on the range of power dynamics that sex can have, which is to say seriously anywhere.

There's a lot of power that women can exert in their lives, in their relationships, and in their sexuality.  "The power to move my head up and down and do that thing with my tongue" is not one of the major ones.



Augh! I'm gonna be late for school!  More later.

47 comments:

  1. What's the context of the "lying about his 'number'" thing? What number are they referring to?

    I would subscribe to the Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies, with pride.

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  2. Winston Churchill is an awesome name for a penis.

    "We shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender."

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  3. I feel conflicted on the fellatio-as-empowering thing. On the one hand, having my man's cock in my mouth is so deliciously dis-empowering that that in itself is almost the point. On the other hand, hearing him make those sounds and knowing that I and no one else am doing that? It definitely makes me feel like a sex goddess, which is about as empowered as you get.
    However, this is all beside the point because it doesn't matter how empowered you feel by binding his wrists when you go down on him, if he's not into that kind of restriction, you'll need to have Cosmo's least favorite kind of interaction: a conversation.

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  4. This is one of the reasons I stopped reading Cosmo. It sounds like it was written by a bunch of horny 18 years olds....blah.

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  5. "A study determined that guys lose their desire if they're not mentally turned on."

    Oh gawd! The sentence starts so seriously, all sciencey, and then,... I guess we should be happy they didn't find the opposite.

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  6. A study determined that guys lose their desire if they're not mentally turned on.

    That's probably news to Cosmo, who generally seem to buy into the idea that male sexuality is an entirely physical phenomenon.

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  7. Cosmo is for vanillas who don't know any better. Along with their ridiculous attempts to "spice up the sex life" are their contrary advice on body image and dieting.

    I stopped buying womens glossies a long time ago, and went to reading mucky/political blogs instead.

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  8. Anon - if only Cosmo's were for vanilla's*.

    It's not for anyone, the sex advice is horrible whether you're into kink or not. The body image that they propogate is horrible whether or not you like traditional standards of beauty. And the relationship advice is horrible even if you're into hetero monogamous relationships with traditional boundaries.

    It's not good for anyone, and it's actually far worse for the target group** - since they might take the bad advice seriously.

    I'm not really worried about Holly*** reading Cosmo, she might get worked up a bit in anger, but I doubt that she's going to take any of the messages to heart. The same cannot be said for a 19 year old girl, raised in a somewhat religious environment and haven't had any decent sex ed, she might take it seriously, which is far, far worse.


    *Besides the fact that it's not really a terrible nice term. It carries all sorts of "they are so boring and silly people for not liking the kind of fun *I* like!" implications.
    ** Being young, hetero, monogamous, with a more or less decent economy and a comparatively lack of understanding of healthy relationships, healthy sex (both mentally and physically) and healthy gender roles.
    *** If I'm not allowed to use you as a example Holly, I of course apologise and invite you to delete this post.

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  9. "Squirt gun" sounds a little insulting. I'll have you know my emission is like that of a horse!

    ShadowCell: "We shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender."

    Is there anyone who still actually likes the idea of fucking on beaches?

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  10. @ lonelyasamushroomcloud, I believe "number" refers to number of sexual partners. I'm not sure if I should be pleased or ashamed that I understand Cosmo thinking well enough to figure that out.

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  11. the only people who like the idea of fucking on a beach are people who haven't done it...

    with that said though "We shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender." is the best quote ever. Period.

    PS I am totally going to start referring to all cocks as Winston Churchill now.

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  12. Why are there so many animal euphamisms for penises? I don't want anything labeled "lizard" or "dolphin" inside me, thanks!

    Aaand my husband just walked up behind me while I was reading this, misread the title as "Cocksmacking", and got very, very nervous all of a sudden.

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  13. I like the *idea* of sex on the beach. Though maybe with enough cover between you and the sand...

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  14. "That must be from the same issue of the The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies where they found that people who weigh more pounds tend to be heavier."


    Hahahaha. I'm a fan.

    I imagine the self-report survey looked something like this:

    1) When you have an erection but do not want to have sex, do you
    a) Want to have sex
    b) Not want to have sex

    2) When you have an erection and want to have sex, do you
    a) Want to have sex
    b) Not want to have sex

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  15. I agree on the leopard print. It seems as if every time the woman is defined as not-sexy by the greater culture (fat or old) but is insisting on being seen as sexual they put her in leopard print. For all I know Adele picked out that outfit herself, but I feel like I see it everywhere. A "cougar"-leopard print. Fat-leopard print. Sometimes they branch out to other animal prints if they're feeling adventurous.

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  16. RE: Shadowcell

    Man, if I hadn't named my dick Maximus already, and if I weren't so eager to be able to get laid again one day, I would totally call my junk Winston Churchill just for that quote.

    --Mac

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  17. The section with "A study determined that guys lose their desire if they're not mentally turned on" is just gold all around. It also includes one about how you enjoy sex more if you think your partner is hot.

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  18. I have no idea what the word "empowering" even means. I'm pretty sure it's like that Onion article where women are empowered by everything a woman does.

    Well, I kind of have an idea. "Empowering" means "I want to be sex-positive but slept through Sex-Positivity 101, so actually I'm just raunch culture."

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  19. The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies

    *dies laughing*

    You know, I agree with Stacy, there is a nice element of control involved in giving a blowjob. But "empowering"...? Eh.

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  20. Personally, I *do* find it 'empowering' -- or, perhaps more accurately, slightly dominant -- to suck cock. But, as people have been saying for a long time, it's all in how you look at it. You can think "oh wow, I'm servicing this man" and get all hot and submissive about it, or you can think "tee hee, I can make you gasp at the ceiling" and enjoy the *other* power angle on it.

    Cosmo's not wrong to highlight the second possibility -- it gets way too little attention. On the other hand, saying "a study discovered that women find fellatio empowering" does kind of downplay that whole "it's all in how you look at it" aspect.

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  21. When giving a blowjob I tend to feel powerful because I am in control of when and whether or not he comes...whether he squirms or gasps...or begs. Tied is good, too.
    Just my preference.

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  22. I just had to tell you that I squealed with excitement today at the grocery store when I saw the new issue out. Not because I love the magazine, but because I love your Cosmocking. I could not wait to get home to see what you had posted. Thanks for making my day.

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  23. @lonelyasamushroomcloud I think it's his number of past sexual partners.

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  24. @shadowCell "...and we shall never, use safe words "

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  25. Because of this feature I now pay attention to Cosmo covers when I'm at the store, which led to an awkward conversation last week. My first thought was that there's something odd about putting a curvy woman on the cover and then emphasizing it by putting her elbows out and making her break all four edges. My second was that it was appropriately placed next to the "Aliens Abducted Jesus's Baby" tabloid section.

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  26. Every time I see one of your posts on this I initially read it as "Cocksmoking", which just makes it funnier, in my opinion.

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  27. Both of my lovers are plus-size women, 24-27. Both have punky/goth/alternative fashion sensibilities. Both love animal prints on their clothes. Neither read Cosmo.

    I wasn't aware that animal prints was 'a thing'. I just found it a bit jarring when I figured they shared that, then I chalked it up to it being more likely that two people I like would end up sharing a lot of common ground. :)

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  28. I agree about the animal-print even though I love animal-print... but that's a gorgeous photo of Adele! It's the first Cosmo cover I can ever remember liking the picture on.

    Studies have shown that when I think a picture is pretty, I like to look at it.

    flightless

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  29. But DAMN is it ever ruined by the text! It almost seems like "When he SHOULDN'T see you naked" is meant to apply to Adele. BEG TO DIFFER.

    flightless

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  30. As a dommey female friend of mine says about the power dynamic she reads in blowjobs: "Your tenderest bits are between my sharpest bits. Tell me again who's in control of this situation?"

    And for the record, my penis's name is Mr. Johnson.

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  31. >>And for the record, my penis's name is Mr. Johnson.

    As a Shadowrun fan, I find that hilarious.

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  32. ^ I second @BlackBloc. It's all business with Mr Johnson.

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  33. That's Sir Winston to you, madam.

    But I think mine should simply be known as "The Protagonist."

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  34. I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw Adele on the cover as bottom pat like: "See, we put big girls on our cover". However, she is totally Spanxed up and sucked in...I'm relatively certain they've tied some of her body back behind her with safety pins for this shoot as I've seen Adele live and she doesn't have nearly as hourglass a figure as this shows.

    Meh.

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  35. Delurking just to say Holly, I fucking adore you. You are smart as shit and you should never stop blogging.

    Also sex on the beach, can't it work with a blanket? Then of course, I have never done it, so cannot really opine. Then again, I have probably spent enough time on beaches to know you can have a 1 mile x 50 yard blanket and you'll still get sand in your ass.

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  36. Also delurking to second Katie's comment. I <3 you in all ways, Holly, and The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies has shown that the more a woman likes what's written on a blog, the more she'll read it.

    Also, if you pull it off right, sex on the beach can be amazing. You'll get sand everywhere but there are strategies to avoid chafing.

    Finally, while Winston Churchill is one of the best names ever for a penis, I think we need some for the vagina. Cheddar gorge, anyone?

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  37. @Sarah - Thanks for that - now I'll never not call it "Cocksmacking" in my head. :D

    Also, shouldn't it be The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies of the Midwest?

    -Katie (different one)

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  38. OMG I hate Cosmo.

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  39. I like the name Winston Churchill...

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  40. @Katie 10:14

    I think you're thinking of the Department of Redundancy Department. The full name of the journal is The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies and How to Say Things Differently ;)

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  41. In fairness, that tautology seems to me to be something that needs said. My partner--who is in her late 30s--has some problems with this one. She talks about sex, I say I'm not in the mood, and she says "I can get you in the mood." Sorry, doesn't work like that. I'd guess it's not uncommon for women--especially young women--to think erection is secret message talk for Me Want Sex Plz Kthx, because that is the only thing it ever means in basically any popular medium.

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  42. "The Midwestern Journal of Tautology Studies"

    Oh, my gawd, I'm dyin' ovah heah!

    Yeah, I'm boosting that one for later...

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  43. Also, if you're devoted to the no-communication lifestyle, you have to work out the secret signal for "let's have sex" because if you wait for your partner to say "let's have sex" you never will. And not only is that obviously bad in and of itself for people who want sex, it's a blow to the self-esteem.

    And it's a frankly un-Cosmolike countermessage to the idea that men always want sex.

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  44. There's a lot of power that women can exert in their lives, in their relationships, and in their sexuality. "The power to move my head up and down and do that thing with my tongue" is not one of the major ones.


    Depends which "thing" you're talking about. That sounds like a pretty awesome description of, well, communicating and giving both verbal and non-verbal consent. Which is kinda what people should be doing, right? As well as oral sex, of course.

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  45. @Jak - Oh yes, that's what I meant. :D

    -Katie

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  46. Maybe I'm paranoid, but there's something odd about "When he shouldn't see you naked" featured so prominently on a cover that doesn't involve an already thin woman Photoshopped in to even tinier proportions.

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  47. I fucking love what you said about empowerment & sex in the last paragraph. This is such a fallacious argument and you pointed exactly why, so eloquently. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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