Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Cosmocking! December '11! Part Two!

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving.  (Or a nice completely regular day if you're not from the US, I suppose.)  I got to spend it with some people I love and it was wonderful.  I'm thankful for pervy sex and all the wonderful things it's brought to my life, of which "pervy sex itself" is really the least of it.

Anyway.  Back to this Cosmo shitshow so I can finally get around to writing about buttsex.
Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.
Oh dear God.  I cannot make this shit up.

(Since constriction squeezes veins shut but not arteries, belts tight enough to affect circulation would actually trap blood in his legs. Let it go long enough and they'll turn purple and swell up and possibly sustain permanent damage. Pretty sexy, huh?)
Heat up a water bottle, and roll it back and forth over his nerve-packed pubic mound.
Rowdy: "It's cool that they're suggesting doing more than just, y'know, poundy-poundy, but... really?"
[how to film yourself having sex] Use candlelight, put the camera as far away as possible, and shoot through a piece of cheesecloth.
Maybe you have a high-end, very sensitive video camera and you know how to use candlelight to create dramatic a yet effective lighting setup that nonetheless allows you and your partner room to move.  Or maybe your video will come out looking like Sasquatch fucking the Chupacabra, and for some reason there's a cheesecloth in front of them.

(Also, I put the camera as far away as possible, and it should be crossing the orbit of Jupiter in early 2014.)
Seduction Secrets French Women Know
This isn't the first time Cosmo's used "France" to mean "magical land full of romance and unicorns."  I'm guessing Cosmo's never been on the Paris metro.
French women incorporate those things [sexaaay things] into their daily lives--they spend an estimated 20 percent of their income on lingerie.
The median household income in France is about 3100 Euro a month, or about $4125 USD.  20 percent of that is $825.  Oh come on seriously.

...If these French unicorns spend 20% of their money on underwear, can you imagine what their budget for shirts is?  Add in shoes and you'll be living on whatever the French equivalent of ramen is. (La soupe de nouilles ramen.)
"I love how pregnant women focus on their babies instead of silly stuff like work drama or what's going on with their friends."
"I love how pregnant women, or what I imagine a pregnant woman to be like, focus on their babies instead of silly stuff like their own lives."

There's an article on "raunch culture" and how it's totally awesome.  The distinction between raunch culture and sex-positivity is too complicated to get into here and the Cosmo article is far too superficial, but I want to pull one quote:
If you know what you want--a hot coworker, your own cupcake shop, a good reason to wear a slutty tube top--don't ever apologize for going after it with balls-to-the-wall determination.
I agree with that, as far as it goes.  Where I part ways is in remembering that some women want their coworkers to leave them alone, their own auto repair shop, or a good reason to wear a long consersvative dress.  You can be balls-to-the-wall without being a sexied-up Manic Pixie Dreamgirl.
[from a romance novel excerpt] Sawyer wiggled out of his own jeans, revealing what was undoubtedly her favorite body part of his--the one bouncing happily at the sight of her.

"Awww!  He likes you!"


  1. Somebody should tell Cosmo about cockrings.

  2. My penis definitely bounces. If I'm already erect when I'm taking my pants off, I'll have to pull the shaft will get pulled down and away as I take off the elastic, after which it will bounce back up toward the ceiling. After that it tends to bob slowly up and down, as gravity tries to pull it down and its muscles try to straighten it.

  3. French women buy two hundred-dollar pieces of lingerie a week, which means that the average French woman never wears the same lingerie twice for sex. Science!

    This statistic actually makes sense if you assume that French women wear lingerie constantly-- to cafes, to wine tastings, to film screenings, to art openings, to... whatever else French people do with themselves. A teddy is clearly the French equivalent of sweatpants and an oversized "Miskatonic U Library Staff" shirt.

  4. Orion - I guess I have seen that. But I feel like the magazine was describing a penis vigorously bouncing all on its own, just out of sheer exuberance.

  5. Like a puppy that's happy to see you

  6. I think it'd be *more* weird if most of a guy was wiggling and just one part didn't.

  7. I'd use the word "bobbing" instead of bouncing, but .... yeah.

  8. Oh okay fine. Consider me informed about penises and their bounceability.


  9. Did you make that fake cover yourself and can we get a bigger version of it?

  10. Worst picture ever of Christina Hendricks? Discuss.

  11. Keith - I didn't make it myself; it's something a ton of people have sent to me. There's a bigger version here:

    (And I'm kind of irked by the "Tone your butt until you're hot enough to be offended when guys appreciate it" bit, actually, because that's what guys always say who were not just appreciating.)

  12. My girlfriend and I were ... impressed, I guess by the two consecutive pages that said men like aggressive women and men hate it when women are aggressive.

    You have to give it to them, they're half right.

    (Probably not half, actually, but whatever.)

  13. @feministwhore I think they know what cockrings are, they just think they're called scrunchies.

  14. Anonymous with a buttNovember 26, 2011 at 3:53 AM


    still waiting for buttsex conversation...

    :trying to pretend that says more about Holly than about me:

  15. Uh. I kind of like the 'happily'.

    I mean, it's sort of cute and sort of funny.
    Also, it's happy. Isn't that a good thing?

  16. Oh, la, la! "La soupe de nouilles Ramen," c'est beaucoup trop long! On dit les Ramen noodles, non, comme tout le monde, sauf qu'on le dit à la française.

    Also, 3100 euros, seriously? That's a lot. Maybe in households with a double income, but I'm not making that on my own and I'm not on the poor end of the spectrum. And, while I agree that the French tend to make more of an effort of dressing than Americans, we do not spend 20% of our budget on clothes, let alone just lingerie.

  17. Oh Cosmo. You never fail to amuse me.
    And I used to think Seventeen was stupid...

  18. Ha, I was going to say that my ex had a penis that he could twitch up and down. Somehow they've hit on one stupid-sounding thing that actually is true on occasion!

  19. "Do not forget the egg the way, what does the Colonel do with the egg whisk?"

    "I do not even know what he does with the celery: I wear the flying helmet back to front."

    Saw the line on the fake cover, I couldn't resist!

    I love the lines on filming yourself having sex! How to make a home porn without worrying about your partner posting it on red tube...because no-one will be able to see anything. At all. Although I do quite like the bouncing happily line. Sounds fun!

  20. "Awww! He likes you!"

    "Make him dance!"

  21. @Maggie I was definitely about to say the same thing. Maybe we have the same ex... (for your sake I hope not)

  22. If I see one more article/book on how much more sexxxy and mysterious French women are, I will scream. I wonder who French magazines cite to make their readers feel inferior.

    For all the attention Cosmo gives to balls (lick those balls! squeeze those balls! bounce those balls!), I notice they never, ever mention male nipples, even though they're sensitive and can feel really good. I bet it's because they think nipple stimulation is 'girly' and unmasculine.


  23. I can't believe someone beat me to mentioning that "bouncing happily" sounds like his penis is actually a hyperactive little puppy.

    Also I can't speak for the bepenised half of the population, but really, a hot water bottle in the pubic area sounds more like "oh god what do I do about these period cramps" and less like a sexy sex game...

  24. " Or maybe your video will come out looking like Sasquatch fucking the Chupacabra, and for some reason there's a cheesecloth in front of them."

    I really and truly lol'ed at that one. Great 'mocking, as always! :D

  25. Lila - Male nipples are really variable. Some people I know are like "oh my god I could come just from that" and some people are like "eh, you might as well be twiddling my elbow." To do the nipple thing, you'd have to ask, and heavens forbid.

    ...Then again, guys' feelings about their balls are pretty diverse too. But I guess Cosmo just decided to ignore that one.

  26. It's the 'at the sight of her' part of that line that confused me. The way it's phrased makes it sound as if the penis has its own eyeball.

  27. Holly - Oh, I know not everyone likes nipples, but Cosmo's total silence on them, especially in contrast to their love of balls, makes me think they consider the idea of nipple stimulation unmanly.


  28. Someone at Cosmo met a man once who didn't like nipple stimulation. Therefore, Men hate nipple stimulation. QED

  29. This isn't the first time Cosmo has proposed making a sex tape but sabotaging it so you can't see anything. I believe one of the earlier articles actually said "Have a camera there, but don't turn it on."

    I guess what you're supposed to do is set it up and pretend you're making a sex tape, and then afterward you giggle and say "Oops, we forgot to turn the camera on!", and you've indulged your partner's fantasy about being a porn performer and getting to fuck Sasha Grey* without you actually being a porn performer** and therefore anywhere on the Sasha Grey axis of slutitude. It fits into the broader Cosmo genre of "How to get the peripheral benefits of being slutty without being a slut, because sluts are gross."

    Which is to say that you've maneuvered him into fucking you while thinking about an imaginary person who looks like you but is more sexually adventurous.*** I don't see how this can be good for a relationship, and when this guy leaves you because he's tired of being jerked around, I'll eat a slice of schadenfreude pie just for you.

    * who I believe is retired now, but still iconic enough that I can reference her

    ** even though professional porn is an industrial product ruled by genre conventions and the constraints of camera placement, and has about as much relation to making a private sex tape as the McRib has to a Memphis pulled pork sandwich

    *** or maybe not more, but differently--maybe there's all kinds of freaky stuff you'd like to do, but Cosmo has talked you into making a fake sex tape instead, which is kind of sad

  30. Holly, did you notice the purpoted link between belly fat and anorgasmia?

  31. I'm really surprised that you didn't comment on their article on how everyone should be having werewolf sex. I also thought it was funny that in this issue they gave a guy allowing you to pay for dinner as a reason for why he's not boyfriend material, when in the last few issues they told girls that you should pay sometimes.
    Anyway, I wanted to say that I really enjoy your whole blog, and especially the Cosmocking. Your Cosmocking inspired me to write an essay on Cosmo's portrayal of gender roles for my sociology class.
    Thank you so much for posting.

  32. I knew I've seen that somewhere before

    Great comedy website, I would recommend it. If you're looking for more Cosmocking:

    Of course, I love this website too, cosmocking or not!

  33. Another Frenchie agreeing with anonymous here: I think 3100 euros is the median for combined households, i.e. at least 2 persons in most cases. And I'll be damned if my fellow citizens spend 20% of their income on bloody(no pun intended) underwear... where are they taking their statistics from, exactly?

  34. @Anonymous: in Cosmospeak, "estimated" means "we made this shit up".

    I can never decide whether they're just spewing out random stuff in order to meet deadlines, or whether they have some kind of betting pool to see what crazyness they can get away with. It's like Post-Feminist Poe'ing.

  35. So....
    Anyone notice the big purple circle on the cover? I point this out because this is possibly the weirdest idea ever on a Cosmo cover: after all, isn't EVERY cosmo a 'Shame and Guilt Issue!'???1??!!11!?

  36. @Mihiraku -- I sincerely doubt it. I rather suspect he probably hasn't even had much in the way of dates after the 7 years with me...

  37. Shame and Guilt: Anyone notice the big purple circle on the cover? I point this out because this is possibly the weirdest idea ever on a Cosmo cover: after all, isn't EVERY cosmo a 'Shame and Guilt Issue!'???1??!!11!?

    If you look closer, it's clearly a parody. Note that the title of the magazine is "Overanalyzing".

    1. How sad is it that people looked at the cover and took it at face value?
      (well, it's sad for Cosmo, LOL)

  38. "I wonder who French magazines cite to make their readers feel inferior."

    American, and mostly new-yorkers, I think, (I don't read enough magazine to know for sure) because they are so much more trendy than us.
    And we make jokes about Belgians to feel superior. ^^

  39. I know clothes in France are expensive but that's crazy!

  40. American, and mostly new-yorkers, I think, (I don't read enough magazine to know for sure) because they are so much more trendy than us.

    I know this really means the City, but I find it hilarious anyway because I'm a New Yorker, and I'm sitting here reading this while wearing a ratty college sweatshirt and bleach-stained jeans, with sawdust in my hair. STYLE, I HAS IT.

  41. I really want to get in on this "does it bounce?" thing. The penis becomes erect through the increase of the flow of blood, and blood flows to the penis by pulsing through blood vessels. From what I've seen, in the process of becoming erect, the penis rises and falls (slightly) with each pulsation, and it appears to bounce until it is fully erect.

  42. My problem as a male in his 30's is I have recently noticed my libido has decreased. I am struggling with impotence.
    I am currently dating someone who is an attractive nice women but she has a higher sex drive than me.
    As much as Cosmo magazine has thankfully allowed women to express their sexuality, there needs to be a magazine or blog to help men who are struggling with impotence or a diminished sex drive.It seems like after 18 men's sex drive diminishes while women after 18 increase.
    Many men these days are struggling with diminished sex drive or impotence.

  43. Wow. On the fake cover, she look sort of like a human. I mean, her waistline is too high and for her J cups, but her neck is facing upwards with her head, and she even has a bit of underarm flab! Not a fan of the doll makeup, though.

  44. I know I'm a year late to the party, but in the name of science, I feel I should point out that the original study (misquoted by Cosmo) said that french women spend 'almost 20%' of their 'clothing budget' (NOT INCOME!) on lingerie.

    They gave a figure of around 100 euro's spending a year, which is less than 0.3% of the figure you give for median income.

    Suddenly the study doesn't seem so remarkable....

  45. "Or maybe your video will come out looking like Sasquatch fucking the Chupacabra, and for some reason there's a cheesecloth in front of them."

    OMG, that sounds like something the Cinema Snob would review. Wait, that sounds like something the Cinema Snob HAS reviewed!

    @Elle: SCIENCE!