Cosmocking! December '11! Part Two!

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving.  (Or a nice completely regular day if you're not from the US, I suppose.)  I got to spend it with some people I love and it was wonderful.  I'm thankful for pervy sex and all the wonderful things it's brought to my life, of which "pervy sex itself" is really the least of it.

Anyway.  Back to this Cosmo shitshow so I can finally get around to writing about buttsex.

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.

Oh dear God.  I cannot make this shit up.

(Since constriction squeezes veins shut but not arteries, belts tight enough to affect circulation would actually trap blood in his legs. Let it go long enough and they'll turn purple and swell up and possibly sustain permanent damage. Pretty sexy, huh?)

Heat up a water bottle, and roll it back and forth over his nerve-packed pubic mound.

Rowdy: "It's cool that they're suggesting doing more than just, y'know, poundy-poundy, but... really?"

[how to film yourself having sex] Use candlelight, put the camera as far away as possible, and shoot through a piece of cheesecloth.

Maybe you have a high-end, very sensitive video camera and you know how to use candlelight to create dramatic a yet effective lighting setup that nonetheless allows you and your partner room to move.  Or maybe your video will come out looking like Sasquatch fucking the Chupacabra, and for some reason there's a cheesecloth in front of them.

(Also, I put the camera as far away as possible, and it should be crossing the orbit of Jupiter in early 2014.)

Seduction Secrets French Women Know

This isn't the first time Cosmo's used "France" to mean "magical land full of romance and unicorns."  I'm guessing Cosmo's never been on the Paris metro.

French women incorporate those things [sexaaay things] into their daily lives--they spend an estimated 20 percent of their income on lingerie.

The median household income in France is about 3100 Euro a month, or about $4125 USD.  20 percent of that is $825.  Oh come on seriously.

...If these French unicorns spend 20% of their money on underwear, can you imagine what their budget for shirts is?  Add in shoes and you'll be living on whatever the French equivalent of ramen is. (La soupe de nouilles ramen.)

"I love how pregnant women focus on their babies instead of silly stuff like work drama or what's going on with their friends."

"I love how pregnant women, or what I imagine a pregnant woman to be like, focus on their babies instead of silly stuff like their own lives."

There's an article on "raunch culture" and how it's totally awesome.  The distinction between raunch culture and sex-positivity is too complicated to get into here and the Cosmo article is far too superficial, but I want to pull one quote:

If you know what you want--a hot coworker, your own cupcake shop, a good reason to wear a slutty tube top--don't ever apologize for going after it with balls-to-the-wall determination.

I agree with that, as far as it goes.  Where I part ways is in remembering that some women want their coworkers to leave them alone, their own auto repair shop, or a good reason to wear a long consersvative dress.  You can be balls-to-the-wall without being a sexied-up Manic Pixie Dreamgirl.

[from a romance novel excerpt] Sawyer wiggled out of his own jeans, revealing what was undoubtedly her favorite body part of his--the one bouncing happily at the sight of her.

EDIT SINCE APPARENTLY THEY DO BOUNCE: "Happily"?

"Awww!  He likes you!"