Friday, August 17, 2012

Cosmocking! September '12!

[Helen Gurley Brown, the editor-in-chief who transformed Cosmopolitan the general interest magazine into Cosmo the blowjob advice repository, has died.  I don't want to say much more about that.  I won't tolerate any dancing on graves, but I also don't want to fall victim to "since she's dead we need to be nice," and ultimately none of this is my place.  I just read the magazine and make fun of the blowjob advice.]


Blue cover!  Lucy Hale!  With a distressingly featureless and strangely asymmetrical lower abdomen!  I love the idea that tummy pudge and stray hairs are too hideous for human eyes, but Alien Putty Bellies are A-okay!  25 sex moves "so specific, it's shocking!"  Oh good, I hate general sex moves like "touch him in a place with a thing!"
"I was on a first date with a girl and wasn't paying attention as I was crossing the street. A car went zooming down the road, and the girl actually had to pull me back and act like the hero. It was pretty emasculating."
"My date saved my life.  How terrible for me!  I mean, now how am I going to prove I'm superior to her?"
Q: Sometimes my guy gets so intent on making me climax that it starts to hurt. How can I let him know when it's just not going to happen?
A: If he's made it his mission to bring you to climax, there's no good way to let him know that he and his soldier have failed.  Luckily, there's one thing that will almost always distract guys from your potential orgasm, and that's their potential orgasm.  So if he's been giving you oral for longer than is comfortable, grab his hair, pull him up, and tell him you want him inside you.
I know I've said this before, but: this isn't sex tips.  This is survival techniques.  This is how you handle an abuser so he'll cause the least amount of damage to your body and the ordeal will be over with as soon as possible.  Sorry to get all serious in a Cosmocking, but if you can't tell your boyfriend to stop hurting you, and if you're offering him sex in order to avoid physical pain, that's... holy fuck, Cosmo should not be presenting this as normal and healthy.
If you ask him out on a second date, he'll likely feel emasculated... and that's pretty much the worst thing you can do to a guy.
It's gotta be inconvenient having your gender role defined by what someone else does.  You're going along, being all masculine, and then your date fucks it up and breaks your masculinity so you have to be feminine!  And you don't even own a decent pair of heels so then you have to go shopping!  Talk about a pain in the neck!
[Cosmo tells its readers how to blog:] Use the same keywords in all your posts. For example, if you blog about vegan cupcakes, you want the words "vegan cupcakes" in each entry.
Well, that doesn't sound BDSM annoying at BDSM all!  I should BDSM start doing that and BDSM actually I'm going to stop before this post gets spam-filtered off everyone's feed.
During doggie-style, playfully turn around and say something like "Is that as hard as you can go?"  Game on.
Ow.  I mean, hey, hard pounding's fun sometimes, but there's no "if you want it" in here.  It's about what's Sexiest, not about something as frivolous and unreliable as your own desires!  You should be willing to endure a little vaginal pain in the service of Sexiness, ladies!

Because if you're Sexy, then you get to have more sex, and that means that you get more vaginal pain... wait, shit.  We didn't think this through.



I think the fundamental problem in this issue is that Cosmo is all about living up to abstractions.  A man shouldn't be happy (or even safe), he should be Manly.  A woman shouldn't be pleasured (or even comfortable), she should be Sexy.  They're pure, platonic ends in themselves, completely divorced from any concept of human happiness or fulfillment.  You work your ass off on becoming and staying manly/sexy, and you reward is... being manly/sexy.  I guess if you're manly you're supposedly more likely to attract sexy mates, and vice versa, so maybe that's a perk if you're into that sort of thing.

I'm not into that sort of thing, myself.  It's a weight off my shoulders like you wouldn't believe.  I'm not manly, I'm not sexy, and yet somehow I manage to feel plenty masculine and have pretty good sex.  Seeking happiness directly, instead of through the proxy of perfect gender performance, is confusing and often unglamorous and completely worth it.

And you hurt your vagina a lot less, too.

77 comments:

  1. This seems a bit short...is there going to be a part two? *hopeful finger crossing*

    But other than that, great Cosmocking as usual, Cliff :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was a really, really boring issue. Out of the 25 sex tips, 24 were variations on "touch his weenie." There's only so much I can do with that. :/

      Delete
    2. But that's so shocking, amirite?

      Delete
  2. Yeah, "platonic" is the key word there, and possibly even shading into Jungian - there is a Standard Archetypal Man which all men are like (or want to be), and ditto S. A. Woman. (As usual, the idea of being anything other than het and gender-binary is unthinkable.)

    This sort of thing would be laughable if one didn't suspect that someone out there actually believes it - like The Turner Diaries.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My favorite sex move is up-up-down-down-left-right-b-a.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Select-Start. You can't forget Select-Start.

      Delete
    2. And then MASH A LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

      Delete
  4. Is Cosmo implying that instead of saving my (male) partner's life, I should be content to continue a full relationship with a greasy smear on the road?

    Also, my partner is more feminine than me in many ways (my femininity is expressed through My Little Pony and cuddly animals only) and I don't feel de-feminated around him. He walks better in heels than I do! (Not difficult, I walk like a so-bad-she's-good drag queen.) He walks better in heels than most heel-proficiant women do!

    And lets face it, I don't want a Cosmo-approved man. CAM is creepy and to me, unattractive. And I don't want to be a Cosmo-approved woman because CAW 'isn't allowed' to play video games.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Is Cosmo implying that instead of saving my (male) partner's life, I should be content to continue a full relationship with a greasy smear on the road?"

      Hahahahahaha. You nailed it.

      Delete
    2. But at least it would be a MANLY greasy smear.

      Delete
  5. If "your guy" hurts you by accident, why can't you just go "ouch"? That's what I do, and it works just fine. Could also be clarified by an explanation of the type "when you do X, that hurts a bit, so if you just stop doing X in that way... Y and Z are good though".

    Seriously, if you go "I want you inside me" in a sexy voice when the guy does X, he'd be forgiven if he thought X is a major turn-on for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I'm getting kind of sensitive, can we take a break/try Y/mix it up?"

      or

      "If you do X, I *will* come."

      THAT'S advice. I feel like all Cosmo articles should have a subtitle of "How to not talk about this directly."

      Delete
    2. That's my assumption . . . . if you get desperate for penetration after I do something, Imma do it again. If you want me to not do it again, you could be forgiven for hoping I would read body language or something, but you could be certain if you'd just use your words like a big girl. Just "That's starting to hurt, let's do something else" is fine.

      HOWEVER, I was a (married) adult for years before I was ready to do the same. My would be hurting me, and I'd wince and squirm, but I'd try to tough it out. I didn't want to say "That's starting to hurt, let's do something else." It's not *sexy* because it's not what a sexy stud would do, and it might make her feel like she did a bad job, and it didn't help that, in those days, it had probably been a month or two of frustration since the last time she'd even been willing to try it . . . . we were a mess, and all the things I thought were the problems weren't. They were symptoms. Not trusting each other enough to be honest, not knowing each other enough to really love, those were the problems.

      Delete
    3. I can see going "ooh, let's do Y now" partly to get him to stop X, *provided* that after Z (cuddling) and AA (is there any pizza left?), there could be a conversation like "Oh btw, that X you were doing actually didn't feel so good. It was starting to hurt, even. But then we did Y and that was awesome."

      flightless

      Delete
    4. (But then, in my case I go into subspace easily and sometimes get really nonverbal. It might be almost literally impossible for me to come up with a whole sentence about how, honey, you're kind of banging my cervix / overstimulating my clit, but I'd love to just fuck for a while. Maybe I and the vanilla feminine Cosmo ladies need a set of customized semaphore flags.)

      flightless

      Delete
  6. Sheesh. Scary things, this month.

    In fairness to Cosmo, re blogging, I presume what they were referring to was TAGS, not key words, they just don't quite understand the lingo.

    My mother used to buy the Euro Cosmo years ago (I think they're still different.) I remember the last edition by the editor who was leaving and it was a tour de force - maybe a swansong, because she just did all the things she wasn't able to when it mattered? Such a pity - it was great, that month - then, yeah, it got cheesier and more sensationalist after that. Sad.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "They're pure, platonic ends in themselves, completely divorced from any concept of human happiness or fulfillment."

    Oddly enough, I believe Plato believed working towards his platonic forms was the way to achieve human happiness and fulfillment, or at least true knowledge. But I get where your coming from. I don't think Cosmo's, as you say, abstractions, come anywhere near close to being platonic forms.
    -Jeremy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's been like ten years since that class. :p

      Delete
  8. "During doggie-style, playfully turn around and say something like 'Is that as hard as you can go?' Game on."

    Wait, what? Even if you take this shitty world view at face value, how is THAT not emasculating? A tug on his arm at a dangerous intersection is an insult, but directly insulting his sexual prowess (and, implicitly, cock size) is sexy?

    Dude, I have a partner whose biggest turn-on is feminization, and I wouldn't say that even to him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm having a hard time imagining a way of saying that which wouldn't be intensely feelings-hurting. Why does it have to be some sort of weird insult/dare/expression-of-disappointment?

      Delete
    2. Exactly! For a while, my bf thought it was amusing to taunt me like that during genderplay/pegging ("is it in yet?" "Is that all you've got?" etc.) and it was emasculating as fuck. Ultimately, it didn't make me want to try harder; it made me want to give up because obviously I couldn't satisfy him.

      I also started wondering if he secretly wanted me to shove a watermelon up his ass, or what. 'Cause the dong I was using on him? Eight inches long and the size of my wrist. If he couldn't feel that..........but it turns out he was just taunting me because he thought that's what sexy ladies do. He felt me just fine.

      Delete
    3. "The good news is you're masculine. The bad news is, you would appear to have slipped a disc. But: epic pounding, bro! Respect."

      Delete
  9. (First time commenter) Nice and concise this month. Love your work.

    Just wanted to let you know : I judge the quality of my partners by how much they cringe/laugh at your continual, spot on lambasting of Whatever SCARY THING It Is That Cosmo Is. Thanks Cliff, for always making me this much more sure that I love the man I love.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I saw this and thought of you: Letters of Note: The vampire in striped pajamas. If only we could track down a 1994 Turkish edition of Cosmo for you to review...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Er, your link does not appear to work.

      Delete
    2. http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/08/a-vampire-in-striped-pajamas.html

      Delete
  11. Huh. I don't see an abuser in the cunnilingus Q&A. I see a guy who is trying hard to please his partner and a girl who can't figure out a way to tell him that he's trying too hard in a gentle way, i.e. not "Dude, just give up."

    I hope this doesn't get me flagged as a rape apologist or anything, but given only that paragraph, I don't see rape or abuse, I see poor communication.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm somewhere in the middle because I've definitely been with guys who are like "No. I am a MAN. And men make make women orgasm. Trust me, I got this." or some other stupid response. May be played off as genuine eagerness to please, but after awhile it becomes clear that a lot of men place a ridiculously high value on "proving" their virility through producing a female orgasm. And god forbid we hurt their fragile egos.

      Delete
    2. I don't see an abuser in the Q. I see one in the A. Or at best, a partner who's prepared for him to turn into an abuser at any moment. Deflecting someone with sex is a very self-defensive reaction, and it's one that I've used only in my very shittiest relationships.

      There's a lot of ways to say "It's not gonna happen for me tonight, honey, but that felt lovely" that are polite yet don't require you to strike a "if I give you an orgasm will you stop hurting me?" deal.

      Delete
    3. Ah, I see. I still read that differently (as in "I was gonna give you an orgasm anyway, but could we get around to that soon, please?"), but I get what you're saying. Thanks for clearing that up.

      Delete
    4. I don't see an abuser in the cunnilingus Q&A
      Well, yeah. That's why the answer is so wrong. If the question were about an abusive partner, the answer would be (as Cliff said) a survival strategy, but it would at least be a consonant answer. The trouble is that the magazine is giving abuse survival strategies to people who aren't being abused, suggesting that the difference between abusive and normal relationships is semantic.

      Delete
  12. "I was on a first date with a girl and wasn't paying attention as I was crossing the street. A car went zooming down the road, and the girl actually had to pull me back and act like the hero. It was pretty emasculating."

    Uhh...point of order. You're worried about feeling emasculated, yet you seem to read Cosmo? I'm not judging, but there's a bit of a gender-role disconnect here. Are manly things only things that involve grievous bodily harm?

    ReplyDelete
  13. "I hate being asked out on a second date."
    --Nobody, Ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unless the asker spent the first date masticating their toenails and spitting them everywhere, and somehow the askee keep going on dates with people with disgusting habits like this.

      Delete
    2. True. Although I guess this refers to general second-date asking rather than being asked by a specific person. Anyway, even if someone didn't like second dates, I doubt that gender identity would be the main reason.

      Delete
    3. I actually once went on a date with someone who smeared bits of food on the wall, in an absent-minded sort of way.

      Delete
  14. Best thing I ever did was stop having survival sex and start saying what I liked. God, can't believe that took as long as it did too!

    ReplyDelete
  15. "I'm not into that sort of thing, myself. It's a weight off my shoulders like you wouldn't believe. I'm not manly, I'm not sexy, and yet somehow I manage to feel plenty masculine and have pretty good sex. Seeking happiness directly, instead of through the proxy of perfect gender performance, is confusing and often unglamorous and completely worth it."

    I disagree, because of that (the seeking happiness directly part) you are sexy (and manly should you choose to feel that way).

    And yes seeking happiness through the proxy of perfect gender performance is completely confusing. I wonder what cosmo would have to say about the "girlfriend mode" in borderlands 2 (or whatever they're calling it now)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. :) What I mean is that I'm not Sexy or Manly by the Cosmo definitions, not the rather fuzzier real-life ones. I'm not gender-conformingly Sexy or Manly.

      Delete
    2. "And yes seeking happiness through the proxy of perfect gender performance is completely confusing. I wonder what cosmo would have to say about the 'girlfriend mode' in borderlands 2 (or whatever they're calling it now)?"

      "... My goodness, women can play video games now? But they're Manly! *collective worldview shatters*"

      Delete
    3. I presume that means that in your genderqueerness you are on the masculine side right now?

      I do have sort-of-platonic-ideals, and I do kind of wish that a fair number of people conformed to them (these ideals strongly emphasize both sexuality and active power for both genders), but I wish that that was how people were, not that people would simply conform to arbitrary ideals that are not good for them.

      Delete
    4. Girlfriend mode? You mean they've made a higher difficulty so we can show our boyfriends what awesome gamers we are?

      ...Yeah, the whole "girls universally suck at video games" thing has always bothered me.

      Delete
  16. This is probably common knowledge but I think it's hard to blame Cosmopolitan for these "survival sex" techniques and "Manly" and "Womanly" stereotypes. They just seem to be responding to society-at-large's flawed sexual perceptions in order to make money. So, good for them, they've found a way to make it big!

    And you've found a way to rail against society-at-large's flawed sexual perceptions by mocking one of their primary mouthpieces, so good for you too! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, NOT good on them. Of course they didn't invent these ideas, but that doesn't make it right to help perpetuate them. And no, profiting off of doing something doesn't make it morally ok, no matter what the CEOs say.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I'm with the anonymous above.

      "I think it's hard to blame Cosmopolitan..."
      I disagree, I think it's easy to blame them for it, and entirely justified too. Just because the prejudices and stereotypes exist doesn't mean they have to do anything to repeat and encourage them. "But I get it from society!" is a bullshit excuse and just a means of avoiding taking responsibility for one's actions.

      Delete
  17. Oh good, I hate general sex moves like "touch him in a place with a thing!"

    Yeah, I always prefer to touch him in the library, with a candlestick, myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Touch him in the billiard room, with the rope.

      Delete
  18. I'm almost afraid to ask but what is the cure for "the man who doesn't talk too much" there on the cover? Because if he doesn't talk too much you should probably not try to force him to talk more than he's comfortable with.

    It's possible to communicate well without tons of words. Even for a man. *gasp*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mostly you just ask him a bunch of leading questions.

      Delete
    2. That can be a good thing, so long as you recognize and respect when he needs you to back off. A lot of guys aren't trained in emotional management the way most women are, and sometimes don't know how to express themselves unless you ask.

      Delete
  19. Awesome Cosmocking as usual, Cliff! Just want to point out though that I don't think it was necessary to poke fun at Lucy's Hale's stomach, especially since she discusses in this issue how she has struggled with an eating disorder. Other than that though, thanks for the great post! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was poking fun at the Photoshopping, sorry if that didn't come across. I think her natural stomach probably would have looked much better than the digital editing hackjob they published.

      Delete
    2. Oh good grief that is extra heinous. She talks about how she has struggled with an eating disorder, and they turn around and photoshop her belly (and they definitely did, it looks completely unnatural). What kind of message does that send? "Oh hey, still struggling with the occasional relapse of intrusive thoughts about how imperfect and ugly your body is and how you need to change it? Yeah, we agree! It's so flawed we had to digitally alter it to be able to put it on our cover!
      ::shudder::

      Delete
  20. I think people read too fast, sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Their Photoshop job is usually pretty heinous, but God this one takes the cake. She looks utterly unnatural; she doesn't even look happy or sexy. Just vaguely confused. And it looks like they've given her a full-face transplant when she probably looked just fine before!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And her right hand looks deformed, like she has a congenital defect that she doesn't actually have. It looks like they tried to cut her fingers down so that they would "fit" and it looks like a stubby alien hand.

      Delete
  22. Oh crap, I messed up. I asked a guy on a second date and he totally said yes, I even offered to pay since he paid last time and he was up for it. Cripes, now I need to find a new, more MANLY guy.

    "I'm not into that sort of thing, myself. It's a weight off my shoulders like you wouldn't believe. I'm not manly, I'm not sexy, and yet somehow I manage to feel plenty masculine and have pretty good sex. Seeking happiness directly, instead of through the proxy of perfect gender performance, is confusing and often unglamorous and completely worth it."

    I sorta want to tattoo this on my boobs or something. It's the principle I've been living by for the past couple of years or so and you worded it so beautifully, I couldn't possibly have said it better myself.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Q: Sometimes my guy gets so intent on making me climax that it starts to hurt. How can I let him know when it's just not going to happen?
    I haven't had a lot of partners, but it's been years since I've fallen into "if she doesn't come, it reflects poorly on me, regardless of how she feels about it"

    Though in my defence, I've never fallen into "if she doesn't come during intercourse..."

    ReplyDelete
  24. Q: Sometimes my guy gets so intent on making me climax that it starts to hurt. How can I let him know when it's just not going to happen?

    First, remember that it’s your right to pursue good sex, and that if a person has a tiny, fragile ego that would be shattered by you exercising that right, then you should not be having sex with that person. But it IS common for people be a little insecure in bed, so here are some tips to giving feedback as gently as possible. If the fact that you are not heading toward ecstasy is due to something he’s doing (or not doing), then something like “slow down a little, babe…a little more…ohhhhhh, just like that” works nicely. If it’s just not going to happen, you could use a non-accusatory statement like “sorry, hon, my body’s just not cooperating right now” (delivered matter-of-factly, not abjectly. The “sorry” here is an expression of sympathy, not an apology). If you want to try other activities, feel free to speak up about them, but if nothing is striking your fancy right then, say so. If, later, you think of something he could have done to help you along, tell him how “hot” it would be if he did…whatever that thing is. Also, remember to give positive feedback when he’s doing something right. A guy who gets one “that’s not working” and one “ooh, sweetie, remember when you did X? That was AMAZING” is much less likely to be discouraged than one who only hears from you when things aren’t going well.

    A: If he's made it his mission to bring you to climax, there's no good way to let him know that he and his soldier have failed. Luckily, there's one thing that will almost always distract guys from your potential orgasm, and that's their potential orgasm. So if he's been giving you oral for longer than is comfortable, grab his hair, pull him up, and tell him you want him inside you.

    There’s no…good…way to…? Bzzt! Wrong answer! WRONG answer!!!

    Also, considering that we’re talking about oral, what is his “soldier”? Is that his tongue?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I certainly hope it's not his teeth. Ow.

      Delete
  25. Oh, goddamn. Offering different sex acts with feigned enthusiasm to deflect from something that hurt way worse is exactly how I handled my shitty abuser ex. Great advice if you want to be raped differently, terrible relationship advice for communicating effectively. Nauseating.

    ReplyDelete
  26. They probably thought that was wicked sexy, too. Which I suppose in some circumstances it *could* be (grab him by the hair and pull him up, order him to fuck you), but: it's freaking Cosmo. It's amazing how it's somehow *less* unladylike and rude to grab someone by the hair and order him to fuck you than to, like, use your fucking words.

    There's also the part where it "hurts." I mean, maybe it's really just uncomfortable and the chick really would be fine moving on to intercourse, but for fuck's sake: YOU CAN SAY "THAT'S ENOUGH, STOP" IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, STUPID COSMO EDITOR PEOPLE. What year is this again? What century? You're so ick.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I hate the word 'emasculating'. It always seems the person saying it basically means, 'Stop doing this thing you are doing, and behave more like the role proscribed for your gender!' Because my behaviour with regards to female stereotypes somehow reflects on their Manliness, and thus means I should *change* my behaviour so they should never feel threatened in their Manliness? As opposed to *them* changing *their* behaviour in some way, since they are the one who is unhappy? Makes no sense.

    And so often it's used as an excuse. Like, 'sure, women should be able to do whatever they want..but we need to look out for the men's delicate feelings! So just...act weak, OK?'

    Oh, and apparently being hit by a car is preferable to having your girlfriend be heroic. WOW.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I wonder if the people who write this fuckewittery actually engage in the heinous shitte they are suggesting, or if they get that it is completely absurd and are writing solely in service of the Platonic ideals.

    In that regard, does Cosmo have a section where readers write back in concerning how the suggestions have worked out for them?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Not sure how I am the only person to catch this...

    But it looks like cosmo's advice to "What should I do if I'm being sexually assaulted" is "invite him to rape you!"

    Like, are you SHITTING ME COSMO? THIS IS YOUR PLAN?

    I usually repost my favorite bits on my facebook account, but after everyone I could not stop coming back to the fact that COSMO IS RECOMMENDING GETTING RAPED SO YOU CAN AVOID BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED.

    Also, in case I misspoke, and you didn't understand me:

    What the ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK? How dullard do you have to be to think that 'hey just ask him to rape you!" is the correct response to being sexually abused?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Er. It looks to me like they're saying "if you're involved in a [presumably consensual] sex act you're not enjoying, your only recourse is to create a diversion with a sex act you will enjoy."

      It's shitty because it says the reader isn't allowed to withdraw consent, or even add conditions to it, in the middle (as a secondary point, it's shitty because it suggests the partner, having consented to one act -- here, cunnilingus -- is also consenting to any other). And it does bear a strong and unfortunate resemblance to abuse survival strategies. But "stop him from doing something you don't like by getting him to do something you do like" isn't exactly trade-rape-for-rape.

      Delete
    2. I think I have to go with Hershele on this one. There's no mention or implication of sexual assault. I've been in exactly the situation they describe (only with a penis.) Your partner is using a hand or mouth or whatever to stimulate you, and it was good, and you were enjoying it, but now it's gone on too long or your arousal has changed or there's a sore spot developing, and it's time to stop.

      Cosmo assumes a world where it would be unnatural to stop except for an orgasm, so using your words doesn't occur to them. But they're not talking about a situation where you didn't want sex and it was forced on you in some way, but a situation where you wanted sex, got sex, and now would like to stop getting that particular kind of sex.

      Their advice is like a farce from a lazy writer; you can enjoy it, sort of, but you know that the whole problem would collapse if these people just talked to each other for a minute.

      Delete
    3. I should clarify that:
      a) it's almost certain that a person who would give this advice would advise someone who is being raped to try to negotiate a "less bad" kind, and
      b) that's not actually good advice though it may be necessary for survival, and
      c) it is obviously wrong to tell people that the only or even just most acceptable way to withdraw consent to a particular sex act is to consent to a different sex act.

      Delete
  30. Knocked it out of the park again, Cliff. I always enjoy reading your posts and Cosmocking is a particular pleasure. In its own world, (the 'costext'?) Cosmo's advice seems almost reasonable - it's only when you hold up the mirror of reality that I realise just how fucked up it is. I look forward to the '50 Shades of Gray' commentary :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. It made me a bit sad to hear of her demise...but the other side is she had a very long, very productive, interesting and action packed life. She was always classy and full of style and grace.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You know, the thing that really bothered me about the girl-pulls-guy-to-safety-on-first-date story was the word "act". "... the girl actually had to pull me back and ACT like the hero." You know what, Brosef Manlypants? A lady you just met has the courage and presence of mind to haul your space-cadet ass bodily out of the path of a moving vehicle? She IS a goddamn hero. You can't even look both ways before Manly-ing your Manly way onto a public roadway. You are not the hero.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I think in most cases of its use, "emasculating" should be replaced with "embarrassing". As in, "I was distracted in my date yesterday, and might have died if the woman I was with hadn't been paying attention like a responsible pedestrian. I was so embarrassed (and grateful)." Or, "I went to dinner with this woman yesterday, and she had to spot the whole bill because I forgot my wallet. I was so embarrassed that I'd asked her there and come completely unprepared to pay my share (and grateful that she was so nice about it and covered both of us). Masculinity intact. I've asked her out again because she seems like a laid-back and generous person--my treat this time!"

      Delete
  33. Cosmo sucks, but that "harder" comment having to do with doggystyle crossed a line for me into a different type of worse offensive category. It is just so sickening how there is no mention of whether the woman even WANTS harder sex. Oftentimes harder sex can be painful for the receiver. The point seems to be, taunt someone until he potentially abuses you because he will enjoy it in the end, and that's all that matters independently of what you might feel. It's just so sickening that there is not even a single mention of "if you like that sort of thing" or "if that's what you'd be into, also." It's so sickening in 12 different ways. Eff you, cosmo, for perpetuating the worst crap out there.

    ReplyDelete
  34. THIS "I was on a first date with a girl and wasn't paying attention as I was crossing the street. A car went zooming down the road, and the girl actually had to pull me back and act like the hero. It was pretty emasculating."

    It totally happened during my first date of a pretty shitty relationship with a very insecure man that THANK GOD is history.

    I love this blog so much I am translating it for my mum. Yeah, I know, my country is weird, we talk about sex with parents (and grandparents).

    Have you read "Why Men Love Bitches"? It is the most abysmal piece of anti-feminist handbook I have ever managed to read. My roommate, who is all "gender studies, feminism, blah blah" gave me that book to "teach me" that a break up I had had was due to my being too nice. Obviously, that "feminist" is precisely the kind of wishy-washy child of a leisured middle-class. *rolls eyes*

    When I will get to teach Wollstonecraft's Vindication, I will sure pair it with the retrograde suggestions on flirtation from Cosmo and books such as the above.

    ReplyDelete