Wednesday, July 23, 2014

30 Days of Kink: Days 18 & 19!

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?
Most of the things I dislike about kink rise above the level of "pet peeves," like the fact that we as a community still lack a workable consensus action plan for what we do when we find out that one of our buddies might have committed physical and/or sexual assault.  That's not really an "aw man, this has anchovies on it"-level complaint.

But for a pettier peeve--you know what, I'm going to say the color black.  Like, there's nothing wrong with black clothing or black toys or black dungeon walls or black website backgrounds.  But goodness there are a lot of them.  It gets monotonous, and sometimes has a really cheesy "kink is spooky like Halloween, boo!" feeling to it.  I own green and blue rope, a gray flogger, and wear various colors to parties, because sometimes I'm not Halloween, dammit.

(I also own a shit-ton of black stuff, for reasons ranging from "that was the only color I could get it in" to "I'm not actually that much of a brave iconoclast and sometimes I kind of like being Halloween.")



Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?
It's inspired me to do a lot of writing which has, in turn, vastly improved my life. I also met Rowdy at a kink event, and knowing him has improved my life tremendously, because he's a wonderful partner and I completely love him and he has cute freckles.

But honestly, the main way kink has improved my life is... that I get to do kink.  I enjoy it so much more than I first thought I would, and in so many different ways.  It's an integral part of my romantic and sexual life. Which makes this question a little like asking "how has chocolate cake improved your life?"  Oh, I can think of stuff like "it looks nice on my table, I hear it has antioxidants or something" if I have to, but the real answer is because it's chocolate cake.

Maybe the biggest unexpected way kink has improved my life is that I've learned different and much better ways of looking at consent.  Because while kink definitely isn't a magical consent haven, the kink community has popularized some pretty cool concepts around negotiation, safewords, limits, the idea that agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to everything, and the idea that who you are does not imply what you're willing to do.  Even when I'm not doing kink, these are useful.  It's helped me to structure my statements about what I want based on what I want, not on what I think I'm allowed to ask for.  It's helped me put trust in my own limits.

I have not purchased an extended warranty since I started doing kink.

18 comments:

  1. "I have not purchased an extended warranty since I started doing kink."
    That's a beautiful thing to point out. I hadn't realised, but the same is true for me.

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    1. Okay, this is a thing that I am not getting. Could someone explain it please?

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    2. In electronics stores (in the US at least, don't know about other places), when you buy something the salespeople often pressure you to buy an extended warranty, which is an expensive and usually worthless repair contract. Having a lot of practice in saying "no thank you, I don't want it, end of discussion" makes it easier to turn the salespeople down.

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    3. Ugh, those are so annoying. Just the other day I was offered a $9 warranty on a $25 product.

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  2. I love the warranty bit, but also trusting your limits outside of kink.

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  3. "and he has cute freckles"

    That absolutely made me smile. :)

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  4. Me too!
    I have a fetish for freckles on the bridge of the nose -- I am a hard-core ephelidophile. :-)

    People with freckles are just the cutest, ever.

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  5. OMG yes, the black thing! I am quite kinky, but not sadist or masochist, and, I am not kidding, the black leather everywhere thing -- the dungeon aesthetic -- was a huge obstacle to my getting into it. It did not look fun. I do not want pain, and I don't do pretend non-consent, and I didn't want it to look like Scary Halloween.

    The fun color that I've found I like, which you CAN actually find because it's Vampire Halloween, is red. (Many thanks to the webcomic Sunstone for letting me realize this was appealling to me.) They may like it cuz it's Vampire Halloween, but I like it because it's cheerful and pretty. So there!

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  6. OH THANK GOD IT'S NOT JUST ME ABOUT THE BLACK THING.

    Now, HUBBY looks fantastic in black. He's got the coloring for it. But I think that it looks... pretty meh on me, and I can't be the only one. Why can't I just do brown leather everything?

    Oh, my minor pet peeve is the kink tax. Seriously, getting a custom collar from someone online who makes them for dogs is SO MUCH CHEAPER and WAY more in line with my fashion sense. (Seriously, she does beautiful work; it's to my great sadness that I've mostly outgrown the brown leather collar she made me with sparrows and my named carved into it.)

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  7. Comradde PhysioProffeJuly 24, 2014 at 7:58 PM

    Are you allowed to lazily combine two days of kink into one lazy poste??

    Just kidding!! Maybe...

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    1. It balances out all the days I don't do a "Day of Kink" post at all. Sort of.

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  8. Word on the omnipresent black! I also find it annoying on a practical level, when you're playing with friends and toys get mixed up and by the end of the night it's like trying to find your particular black suitcase at baggage claim.

    Over the years I have been building a lovely collection of teal and purple rope, cuffs and thumpy things that cannot be mistaken for anyone's but mine.

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  9. The black/dungeon thing is a huge pet peeve of mine, too! I'm a pretty feminine sub. I want pink and blue and pretty comfortable settings like forests/gardens and rad interiors and gear to match these things! I really would love to see someone make bondage gear with a "vintage" aesthetic, but not the bloody steampunk thing!! Just neat, classy things. No frills. Except sometimes I like frills.

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  10. Gosh YES on black. When I was a teenager I wore black and grey and sometimes a little bit of white because I didn't want anyone to look at me, or notice me, and definitely not see any shadows or anything which might let them work out how my body was shaped because I was the most disgusting thing on the earth.

    When I'd been happy and coping for a few years, I was hanging with a Dutch friend who commented that "Jeez, all you English people dress in the drabbest colours you can possibly find, don't you? Ya just look miserable"... and I realised that it's not English people, really, it was me. I'd changed everything about myself except the way I presented myself to the world.

    Ever since then I almost never wear black. I feel -weird- if I wear black. My most kink-party item of clothing is a cream corset with black polkadots, which doesn't count as black because it's mostly cream. And I just... I don't get the black aesthetic. I want purple and red and green and stuff. I LOVE artsy rope where the rigger has made pretty patterns and spectrums with their different coloured rope. Black is just... dull and sad to me, it says "Don't look at me!" even when the cut and the expression and the latex all says "look at me!", and truly, I think the black leather and latex domme image would be so much sexier with different coloured panels and trim that grabs the eye and makes it stare.

    I've only been to one venue so far, and you know what... I was so damn happy when I got there to find it wasn't all black and red and dimly-lit - it's a big spacious upstairs room, with wood flooring and cream walls, and lots of windows and coloured candles that the wicca group leaves behind.

    Naturally, this is all me, many many people disagree or don't care, and I defend every person's right to dress in all black and/or decorate their venue like a vampire nest. But I do wish I'd run into someone wearing a dazzling blue dress more often at kink things.

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    1. The wicca group leave behind the candles, not the windows. Just in case anyone's a smartarse. :D

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    2. aw, that sounds really nice! I really would like to see more variety, less same old black-red-dungeon thing. I mean, obviously a lot of people LOVE that, and it's fine, but it doesn't exactly speak for the whole bdsm community... I think it also makes bdsm in general come across as a little dark and scary (which I guess some people like too) but I think of it as being fun, love-filled, enjoyable, sometimes silly even (many laughing fits when things go a little awry)

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  11. In response to: "Most of the things I dislike about kink rise above the level of "pet peeves," like the fact that we as a community still lack a workable consensus action plan for what we do when we find out that one of our buddies might have committed physical and/or sexual assault."

    Have there been discussions about using transformative justice in the kink community? Basically the idea is that the perpetrator goes through accountability sessions with people who are trained in transformative justice, and they talk through the situations in which the person was abusive, role play situations like disclosing to future partners they've abused in the past, and read about consent, sexism, etc. It's used mostly in activist communities and is an alternative to calling on the police, exiling people or doing nothing.

    Here are some resources and organizations that use transformative justice.
    http://www.generationfive.org/resources/transformative-justice-documents/ (Look at a Portrait of Praxis)
    http://www.creative-interventions.org/tools/toolkit/
    http://www.generationfive.org/resources/transformative-justice-documents/

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  12. I went to my local fetish flea wearing a bright pink dress with flowers on it. I did garner some odd looks.

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