Wednesday, September 19, 2007

History of Fantasy, Part 1.

The earliest quasi-sexual fantasy I can remember having was when I was maybe seven or eight years old. I loved the scenes in Saturday morning cartoons where the heroes got tied up and tortured. I'd fantasize about Ninja Turtles or Batman chained spreadeagle and shocked by the bad guys. I was also fascinated by a book of myths I had, which had stories like Loki chained in the underworld with burning poison dripping in his ear, or Prometheus on the rock with an eagle tearing his liver out. At the time I didn't think there was anything sexual about it. Just... fascinating to think about. Repeatedly. And somehow I knew I oughtn't share these thoughts with anyone else.

Of course, it also took me years to realize that when I touched myself in the place that made me feel good, that was masturbation. I knew what I did and I knew the word, it just took me forever to connect the two. "Well, sure I'm touching my vagina, and sure that's what masturbation is, but I'm not doing it like that, I'm just doing it because it feels good!"

I think I was about thirteen when I caught on.


  1. Wow, I thought I was the only one who did this. I felt like such a dirty and messed up kid for more or less fantasizing about my favorite characters being roughed up, to put it mildly. Or, rather, fantasizing about being those favorite characters.

    ...who were oddly enough always the male characters, despite the fact that I am not.

    Man, Freud would have had a ball with me.

    ^ball = probably poorly chosen word

    Sorry for posting on reeeeally old stuff. I just realized you are all sorts of similar to me, and I'm enjoying the new reading material.

  2. Likewise.

    Mine we also fandomy, they were probably hitty, too, but I repressed a lot of the memories because I thought it was weird and wrong to fantasise about characters in those ways?

  3. Well... I am, or was, fairly vanilla. I can't remember precisely, but I suspect my first vague-ish sexual fantasies or desires were about my karate teacher when I was about 8. I remember I started actively masturbating around the age of 12 perhaps? It might have been earlier and I remember from a very early age, around 4 years old, that it felt good when I pressed my favourite blankie against my genitals. I remember my mother scolding me once or twice for it.

    I have baby sisters now and one of them I know masturbates quite frequently. I was quite worried about it and googled the subject. If you do the same, you will find very, very many references of toddlers and babies pleasing themselves. It's just something that feels good to them and the aspect of shame is introduced by parents. "Stop! That's bad! Don't do that, ever!" I had TONS of shame as a teenager about masturbating almost daily, sometimes several times a day. Maybe it was because of my toddler-age pleasure-seeking and scoldings? Sorry to tangent like that. I just think children's, and teens' sexuality is a really difficult and important subject for the adults raising them.

  4. When I was little, I had these weird little fantasies I used to go to sleep to. I've always been the kind of person that needs to think to sleep, and sexual thoughts - weirdly - help me fall asleep. Being horny is happy for me, I guess. But anyway, I had these little fantasy things that I was near a swamp, and there were all these little snakes. And they would crawl inside of me and turn little lever and make my breasts bigger/full of milk, and then little baby snakes would suckle me. They'd also just make me feel nice in my lady bits.
    It sounds weird and creepy, but it was a conscience repeat thought, not a nightmare, and something I used to get to sleep for at least the ages of 8-9 or 10.
    I've never disclosed this information to even my boyfriend, because it's always felt very dirty to me.

  5. I'm going to have to agree with Luna about using fantasies to fall asleep. Honestly the fantasies themselves were much closer to what Ava said, though. Don't ask me why imagining a guy (who I identified with) getting beat up and tortured was relaxing, but it was. It was usually in some sort of self-sacrificing type of way, like being the hero of a story except while saving someone from the villain I'd get caught myself, or I'd turn myself in in place of someone else. I'm not sure if that was rationalization, too many fairy tales, or some sort of kink itself.

    That was probably more around 11 though. At about 8 or 9 the extent of these thoughts was just wanting my best friend's older sister to tie me up, though I had no clue why.