Wednesday, October 3, 2007

To Blove.

The new taboo is love.

Sex is fine. I can tell Alan or Benny I'd like to have a particular kind of sex and they might say yes or no, but it's a discussion we can have. Short of the unethical or the disgusting, nothing about sex frightens them.

The slightest suggestion of love does. I'd be crazy, some kind of weird boundary-impaired stalkergirl to even think about falling in love with one of the men I fuck. For all the time we spend together, as close as we get, for me to say "I love you" to Alan would, I think, horrify him as much as if a random stranger said it. In this sort of relationship, love is so inappropriate you can't even joke about it.

Makes me kind of sad. Not because I'm in love--gosh, you think I'm some kind of freak?--I'm really not. But I want the option. I want the ability to talk about it, think about it. I don't want us to fear it.

I want "I love you" to be a sweet thing to say to a lover. Not an atom bomb.

3 comments:

  1. Would it offend you if I were to say that it sounds like you're exchanging one set of weird inhibitions for another?

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  2. Doesn't offend me, you're probably right.

    I've defeated the paradigm of "women trade sex for affection" only to enter the world of "sex or affection, pick one."

    :(

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  3. This post nearly made me cry. I know this feeling so incredibly well. I have a friend with whom I have an incredible sexual relationship, but telling her that I loved her would make things awkward. I love her, but cannot say it.

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