1. Mr. Standalone Dick Shot
"u like wat u see? 8 inches"
[picture of angry purple erection, taken down body, dick clenched in fist and glossy with mysterious fluids, patchy hair scattered on thighs like sagebrush on the side of a desert hill]
2. Mr. Discreet
"I'm married, but she'll be out of the house between 2:30 and 3:00 picking up our kids from karate... you'll have to be precise but I think this'll work out if you come at exactly 2:30 and work fast."
3. Mr. Concise
4. Mr. Enormous Prefabricated Story
"...You feel the head of his cock settle at the lips of your pussy. Now tell me you're sorry, he says. You cannot say anything as your breathing is frenzied and your mind is swinging and spinning with what you desire, with what you need. You feel his hand come down hard on your ass, harder than the whipping before and it stings as if a swarm of bees had stung you. I'm sorry, sir, you manage to stammer out, and it is cut off with a moan as his enormous cock slides inside of you fast. It is enough to make you almost come right there. He stops suddenly..."
[like ten pages of this]
5. Mr. There Is a Goddamn Baby In My Picture
"Sorry hun this is the only pic I had. It's my nephew."
6. Mr. Unqualified
"I know you said you were looking for a guy under 35 who could meet today and host, but I'm a really healthy 54 and I'm a little busy right now and we can't use my home but maybe we could do it in the backseat of your car or something sometime next week?"
7. Mr. Suspicious
"I'm sorry but I have been burned before, so could you please prove to me that you are actually a woman? I need some kind of concrete proof that you are not a spambot for a transsexual hooker sting operation before I can carry this discussion any further."
8. Mr. Fucking Scary
"I WANT TO POUND YOUR CUNT ASS WITH MY GIANT HORSE DOG DONG UNTIL YOU SCREAM FOR THE PAIN OF RIPPING SLUT MEMBRANES AND I WILL TEAR YOU APART AND SEND YOU HOME SOBBING AND BLEEDING FROM YOUR HOLE PUSSY ASS CUNT ANUS."
9. Mr. Presumptuous
"I'll be at the Starbucks on Western at 5. I'm a tall guy and I'll be wearing a blue shirt. See you there!"
10. Mr. Suspicious Motives
"I don't remotely meet the qualifications in your ad, but you are gorgeous and I love your ad! Oh well, I guess that's all for now since I don't measure up, I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are and I hope you find what you're looking for.
...If you don't, you could always give me a call."