Through careful study of Why Women Hate Men (terrible title, entertaining blog), I've figured out why guys send hideous dick pictures to women. It's because when women say that they want cock, men are taking this literally, and offering proof that yes, they have a cock, and are thus 100% qualified to meet this need.
I also blame certain porn genres where women show up perfectly groomed and perfectly submissive and of a specific body type, and men... show up. Talk about low expectations. You just have to prove that you're a man, right?
While I'm blaming things, I blame the weird hyper-homophobia that makes guys go "well, I can't tell if that looks good or not, I don't like cocks," which, well--straight women don't go around in sack dresses with matted hair because "how am I supposed to know what looks good on a woman?"
And I blame ignorance about how photography works. I think some people think that a picture of an object is a picture of it, and that any photo of their cock is equally attractive because it's the same cock every time. The idea that staging and lighting can make two equally "honest" pictures give very different impressions seems to be a little too advanced for certain people.
Which leads to my final source of blame, which is plain old rampant stupidity. Seriously, dudes of the world, if someone wants to see your cock they'll ask. How about you wait for that and go from there.
(Now I feel weird that I've posted pictures of my, um, lady-cock. But I do warn what they are rather than mailing them around to anybody who contacts me, and I do try to make them non-hideous photos.)
(Now I feel like "lady-cock" is either the best or the worst female-genitals euphemism ever.)
Showing posts with label craigslist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label craigslist. Show all posts
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How not to write a personal ad.
(I'm actually not doing the craigslist or personal-ad thing right now, I'm more focused on job-hunting and real-life activities, I just got reminded of it and came up with a bunch of post ideas.)
1) Start off by explaining how you're extremely desirable and in-demand and can get it whenever you want it, and you're only single because you're very particular. Also, online dating is for pathetic losers, and you can't believe you're doing this because you're better than that.
2) Express your hatred of your desired gender. Talk about how horrible all your previous partners were and wish harm upon them, and lament how many times you've had to deal with "game players." Explain that most members of your preferred gender are bitches/assholes, but you're hoping against hope that someone won't be.
3) Express your hatred of your own gender. Tell prospective suitors about how all your competitors are bitches/assholes, but you're different, you swear. Describing exactly the kind of "pretty-boy popped-collar douchebag" or "dumb blonde self-centered bimbo" you're not will give you great credibility.
4) List all the things you don't want in a partner, in detail. Get really angry about it too, saying how someone without a college degree or over 30 or a different race isn't just wrong for you, they're gross and nasty. List a whole bunch of disqualifiers; ideally, things you hate should make up the majority of your ad. Don't worry about being offensive--hey, it's not your fault non-Aryans just don't do it for you! Subjective ones like "no crazy bitches" are good too, because crazy bitches will go "oh, that means me, I'm a crazy bitch, I better not reply."
Don't be afraid to list disqualifications that describe yourself perfectly--just because you're overweight and 50 doesn't mean you should consider an overweight 50-year-old partner, you're simply not attracted to people like that and can't help it.
5) List all the things you demand in a partner like you're ordering a fucking pizza. "I'm seeking an 18-24 year old slim woman of Northern European ancestry with a humanities degree who's willing to relocate and has no baggage, and extra pepperoni." Make it clear that anyone with human variations and foibles is not what you ordered, and you will be asking for your $15 back.
6) Optionally, you can describe yourself a little bit. Do this like you've never even met yourself. In the vaguest of terms say that you're "successful" and/or "attractive," that you have a "sense of humor," and if you really want to get detailed you can list some activities you enjoy, like "having fun and hanging out."
Also, if there's anything about you that most people would consider a really basic expectation, like you're not homeless or you don't hit your partners, proudly declare that achievement like it's a Nobel Fucking Prize.
7) Mention that you have a cock/tits (and how large, to the quarter-inch) and make it clear that you are expecting sex. Letting things develop naturally is "game playing," so let everyone know upfront if they aren't putting out they needn't bother.
8) Optional: Mention that you are seeking marriage, and someone should not reply unless they're pretty sure that they want to marry you and have/sire your babies, because you're done "playing games."
9) The only thing to consider when selecting a picture is "does this image file contain some part of my body in it?" Unflattering? Out-of-focus? Mugshot-like? A decade old? Ex in the photo? Myspace angle? Dingy blank wall or huge pile of computer parts and beer cans in the background? Sweatpants? Don't even look at it, just verify that it's technically a picture of you and slap it on up there! Only shallow people care about appearances.
If you don't have a photo already, set the self-timer (with autoflash) and stand against a wall like it's your goddamn DMV picture. And the DMV lady told you not to smile.
10) Optional: Include a long rant about something that's important to you, like your political or religious opinions or your hatred of American Society These Days or an alternative medical or scientific theory you're really into. True, this doesn't directly speak to your prospective dates, but you're expressing yourself and that's your First Amendment right.
11) Consider reinforcing your home so that the throngs of love-mad suitors don't beat down your door.
1) Start off by explaining how you're extremely desirable and in-demand and can get it whenever you want it, and you're only single because you're very particular. Also, online dating is for pathetic losers, and you can't believe you're doing this because you're better than that.
2) Express your hatred of your desired gender. Talk about how horrible all your previous partners were and wish harm upon them, and lament how many times you've had to deal with "game players." Explain that most members of your preferred gender are bitches/assholes, but you're hoping against hope that someone won't be.
3) Express your hatred of your own gender. Tell prospective suitors about how all your competitors are bitches/assholes, but you're different, you swear. Describing exactly the kind of "pretty-boy popped-collar douchebag" or "dumb blonde self-centered bimbo" you're not will give you great credibility.
4) List all the things you don't want in a partner, in detail. Get really angry about it too, saying how someone without a college degree or over 30 or a different race isn't just wrong for you, they're gross and nasty. List a whole bunch of disqualifiers; ideally, things you hate should make up the majority of your ad. Don't worry about being offensive--hey, it's not your fault non-Aryans just don't do it for you! Subjective ones like "no crazy bitches" are good too, because crazy bitches will go "oh, that means me, I'm a crazy bitch, I better not reply."
Don't be afraid to list disqualifications that describe yourself perfectly--just because you're overweight and 50 doesn't mean you should consider an overweight 50-year-old partner, you're simply not attracted to people like that and can't help it.
5) List all the things you demand in a partner like you're ordering a fucking pizza. "I'm seeking an 18-24 year old slim woman of Northern European ancestry with a humanities degree who's willing to relocate and has no baggage, and extra pepperoni." Make it clear that anyone with human variations and foibles is not what you ordered, and you will be asking for your $15 back.
6) Optionally, you can describe yourself a little bit. Do this like you've never even met yourself. In the vaguest of terms say that you're "successful" and/or "attractive," that you have a "sense of humor," and if you really want to get detailed you can list some activities you enjoy, like "having fun and hanging out."
Also, if there's anything about you that most people would consider a really basic expectation, like you're not homeless or you don't hit your partners, proudly declare that achievement like it's a Nobel Fucking Prize.
7) Mention that you have a cock/tits (and how large, to the quarter-inch) and make it clear that you are expecting sex. Letting things develop naturally is "game playing," so let everyone know upfront if they aren't putting out they needn't bother.
8) Optional: Mention that you are seeking marriage, and someone should not reply unless they're pretty sure that they want to marry you and have/sire your babies, because you're done "playing games."
9) The only thing to consider when selecting a picture is "does this image file contain some part of my body in it?" Unflattering? Out-of-focus? Mugshot-like? A decade old? Ex in the photo? Myspace angle? Dingy blank wall or huge pile of computer parts and beer cans in the background? Sweatpants? Don't even look at it, just verify that it's technically a picture of you and slap it on up there! Only shallow people care about appearances.
If you don't have a photo already, set the self-timer (with autoflash) and stand against a wall like it's your goddamn DMV picture. And the DMV lady told you not to smile.
10) Optional: Include a long rant about something that's important to you, like your political or religious opinions or your hatred of American Society These Days or an alternative medical or scientific theory you're really into. True, this doesn't directly speak to your prospective dates, but you're expressing yourself and that's your First Amendment right.
11) Consider reinforcing your home so that the throngs of love-mad suitors don't beat down your door.
The Gentleman's Guide to Sending Dick Pictures to Random Women on the Internet.
1) Consider the wisdom of sending a dick picture. If the relationship she is seeking could be construed as a "dating" or "friendly" one, sending your dick at all is mega creepy. And even in the context of casual sex and cybersex, women aren't necessarily aroused by penis JPGs. You might want to wait for her to ask for a dick picture, rather than using it to introduce yourself.
2) Make sure your equipment is suitable. The proper condition for dick photos is clean and dry (seriously, ewww), fully erect, and with well-groomed pubes. If it can stay fully erect without you death-gripping it around the base, so much the better.
(I admit here I don't know exactly how these things work. Is it uncomfortable to let an erect dick flop around freely? Or is the grip necessary to keep it at full hardness? Or does the grip just keep it pointed at a more impressive angle?)
3) Make sure your other equipment is suitable. Take your dick pics with a real camera; a low-end cellphone photo or webcam stillshot always has that "surveillance footage" look to it, especially in low light. Even with a proper camera, all photos look creepy when there isn't enough light (and flash makes skin look unappealingly flat and pallid), so try to get it in as much light as possible. Natural light is really nice if you have a way to get it without scandalizing the neighbors.
4) Use a self-timer or a (clean!) mirror. The top-down perspective never flatters, and frankly, women aren't used to seeing dicks from that angle.
5) Put the penis in context. In my experience, the more of your body in the shot, the better--even if you don't have an amazing body, seeing a naked man is more fun than seeing a free-floating cock in space. Whether you're comfortable putting your face in the photo is up to you, but cropping out everything but genitals is going way too far unless you have a very distinctive lower-stomach tattoo.
6) Don't forget the background. Make sure there isn't weird clutter in the shot that makes you look like a slob or reminds the viewer of an unsexy part of your life. And remember that photos taken while you're in the computer chair, then uploaded onto that selfsame computer, tend to imply that maybe you never get up. Your bed generally makes a nice suggestive setting, if it's tidy.
7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty.
8) Look at the photo you've just taken. Think, seriously, if you were a woman, would you want to see this? Seriously. You can always back out now and tell her about your personality instead.
2) Make sure your equipment is suitable. The proper condition for dick photos is clean and dry (seriously, ewww), fully erect, and with well-groomed pubes. If it can stay fully erect without you death-gripping it around the base, so much the better.
(I admit here I don't know exactly how these things work. Is it uncomfortable to let an erect dick flop around freely? Or is the grip necessary to keep it at full hardness? Or does the grip just keep it pointed at a more impressive angle?)
3) Make sure your other equipment is suitable. Take your dick pics with a real camera; a low-end cellphone photo or webcam stillshot always has that "surveillance footage" look to it, especially in low light. Even with a proper camera, all photos look creepy when there isn't enough light (and flash makes skin look unappealingly flat and pallid), so try to get it in as much light as possible. Natural light is really nice if you have a way to get it without scandalizing the neighbors.
4) Use a self-timer or a (clean!) mirror. The top-down perspective never flatters, and frankly, women aren't used to seeing dicks from that angle.
5) Put the penis in context. In my experience, the more of your body in the shot, the better--even if you don't have an amazing body, seeing a naked man is more fun than seeing a free-floating cock in space. Whether you're comfortable putting your face in the photo is up to you, but cropping out everything but genitals is going way too far unless you have a very distinctive lower-stomach tattoo.
6) Don't forget the background. Make sure there isn't weird clutter in the shot that makes you look like a slob or reminds the viewer of an unsexy part of your life. And remember that photos taken while you're in the computer chair, then uploaded onto that selfsame computer, tend to imply that maybe you never get up. Your bed generally makes a nice suggestive setting, if it's tidy.
7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty.
8) Look at the photo you've just taken. Think, seriously, if you were a woman, would you want to see this? Seriously. You can always back out now and tell her about your personality instead.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Horrifying Fact.
If you post two "Casual Encounters" craigslist ads in the same city--months apart, at different times of day on different days of the week--you will get responses from the same guys.
The best scenario here is that they've got autoresponders that just spam every w4m with their dick pictures. The worst scenario is that they're really always there, always watching, always trying.
Is it hypocritical that I think posting to Casual Encounters every couple months is totally normal and healthy, but lurking there is super creepy? I don't think it is.
The best scenario here is that they've got autoresponders that just spam every w4m with their dick pictures. The worst scenario is that they're really always there, always watching, always trying.
Is it hypocritical that I think posting to Casual Encounters every couple months is totally normal and healthy, but lurking there is super creepy? I don't think it is.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Watershed moment.
When my first serious relationship ended, I thought I would never get laid again. For more than a year, I didn't. I just figured that guys didn't like me, that I would embarrass myself if I approached them, and that sex was for pretty people and lucky people and you just don't get lucky that often. I would have said yes if someone suitable had dropped out of the sky and asked me for a roll in the hay, but I made no effort to drop out of anyone else's sky. From age 17 to 19 I was almost entirely celibate, and not terribly happy about it.
Then at age 19 I was out in the middle of Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho, living in a shared motel room and working for food and a credit in an indie film, and on a whim I decided to post a craigslist "casual encounters" ad. I posted a very honest picture. I said I didn't care about age or looks or anything. I figured that way maybe I'd get at least one answer.
I was deluged. I didn't know that many people in Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho even had Internet access, let alone were reading craigslist that night and wanted to fuck me. It was insane. I couldn't just get a man, I could choose a man. (For a night, of course, which changes the math considerably over wanting one to introduce to your friends and help you move furniture. But it was sex, not relationships, that pained me at that point in my life.)
I went to meet a guy who was quite a bit older than me, we had dinner, and then we went back to his place and humped like crazy bunnies. It was a little awkward--I wasn't very experienced at that time and there was more squirming around and humping than actual fucking--but it was also hot as fuck. The guy was entirely respectful and mostly sane and we had a good time and went our ways.
Somehow, that one skeevy encounter with some random middle-aged dude in the middle of nowhere turned my whole sex life around. Since then I haven't gone more than a matter of weeks without sex, but more importantly, since then I have (most of the time) believed I could get sex. That desirability isn't some objective thing I don't have--some people will desire me and some won't. Cock is always out there, and it's my decision whether I want it, not my good fortune to be awarded it.
I've gone back to craigslist a few times since--I've had a surprising number of experiences that were genuinely friendly rather than furtive, but the psycho factor is a little too high--but it wasn't really craigslist that opened my eyes, it was just a vehicle for discovering that men could want me. Maybe some girls know that just walking down the street (although probably not nearly as many as I would guess), but for me, it was a wonderful discovery. Skeezy Internet sex did wonders for my self-esteem and, in some ways, changed my life.
P.S.: I also got a response from one of my coworkers. Despite the fact that my face was completely visible in the photo, he didn't realize it was me. We never spoke of this.
P.P.S. : Okay, come to think of it, I think I actually had a bit of sex during my "almost entirely celibate" phase, like maybe actually a lot of sex considering Keith and CB and Danny and whatisface and that weird closet-case chick and her boyfriend... I was actually maybe not so celibate at all. But I maintain that it was still that craigslist experience that changed my attitude toward my own desirability.
Then at age 19 I was out in the middle of Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho, living in a shared motel room and working for food and a credit in an indie film, and on a whim I decided to post a craigslist "casual encounters" ad. I posted a very honest picture. I said I didn't care about age or looks or anything. I figured that way maybe I'd get at least one answer.
I was deluged. I didn't know that many people in Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho even had Internet access, let alone were reading craigslist that night and wanted to fuck me. It was insane. I couldn't just get a man, I could choose a man. (For a night, of course, which changes the math considerably over wanting one to introduce to your friends and help you move furniture. But it was sex, not relationships, that pained me at that point in my life.)
I went to meet a guy who was quite a bit older than me, we had dinner, and then we went back to his place and humped like crazy bunnies. It was a little awkward--I wasn't very experienced at that time and there was more squirming around and humping than actual fucking--but it was also hot as fuck. The guy was entirely respectful and mostly sane and we had a good time and went our ways.
Somehow, that one skeevy encounter with some random middle-aged dude in the middle of nowhere turned my whole sex life around. Since then I haven't gone more than a matter of weeks without sex, but more importantly, since then I have (most of the time) believed I could get sex. That desirability isn't some objective thing I don't have--some people will desire me and some won't. Cock is always out there, and it's my decision whether I want it, not my good fortune to be awarded it.
I've gone back to craigslist a few times since--I've had a surprising number of experiences that were genuinely friendly rather than furtive, but the psycho factor is a little too high--but it wasn't really craigslist that opened my eyes, it was just a vehicle for discovering that men could want me. Maybe some girls know that just walking down the street (although probably not nearly as many as I would guess), but for me, it was a wonderful discovery. Skeezy Internet sex did wonders for my self-esteem and, in some ways, changed my life.
P.S.: I also got a response from one of my coworkers. Despite the fact that my face was completely visible in the photo, he didn't realize it was me. We never spoke of this.
P.P.S. : Okay, come to think of it, I think I actually had a bit of sex during my "almost entirely celibate" phase, like maybe actually a lot of sex considering Keith and CB and Danny and whatisface and that weird closet-case chick and her boyfriend... I was actually maybe not so celibate at all. But I maintain that it was still that craigslist experience that changed my attitude toward my own desirability.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A quiet Sunday afternoon on craigslist.
Looking for crazy on craigslist is like looking for D&D players at a fetish convention. Of all the easy targets, this is the easiest, and I know it. But it's still amusing. (Shout-out to the You Suck at Craigslist person, who does this every day.)
i want a baby - w4m
lookin for a black man only please that want to have a baby right now
I wonder if there's a document you can sign that's the equivalent of a pre-nup but for child support.
And hepatitis treatment.
And the baby's hepatitis treatment.
I want you to frisk me and make it hot.
I don't know if it's an unusual euphemism or if she got really turned on at a traffic stop once and wants to recapture the magic.
Hello,
We're the slut trainers, for lack of a better name.
We consist of five Black men, all well-endowed, all drug and disease-free, and all easy-going, well-mannered people.
Put simply, we're looking for willing women who want to explore themselves and let out their inner freak/slut/whore, or whatever you want to call it.
Basically, we're providing a service, for free. We provide you with a clean, safe environment and the space with which to enjoy and explore yourself, us and the deepest recesses of your sexuality and some perversions you probably wouldn't admit to your closest friends.
This ad went on for about four pages detailing their "service" (they will have sex with you) in great and unsettlingly professional detail. This isn't a bunch of horny guys, this is a serious organization dedicated to bettering humanity. I don't know if I want to fuck them, but I feel like I should at least send a donation.
I'm looking for a woman who loves showing it off in her tight and shiny spandex. Do you have a great ass that deserves to be noticed. Big tits that stretch your Lycra top. Do you love the feel of wearing painted on leggings with cute little hiking boots and a short jacket. The perfect look on a cool fall day. Want to walk around Green lake holding the arm of a tall handsome Daddy.
Please fulfill my fetish for free. My extremely specific fetish. In public, in one of the most heavily foot-trafficked areas of the city.
you--- still got your looks..in need of NSA relations...not in a trailer park or nursing home....
It's good to have standards.
36 year Italian seeks Asian or Younger
Asian, or younger. The logic here is blowing my mind.
'm looking for a BBW who feels like talking dirty and cumming nice and hard over the PHONE with a strange guy ASAP.
If it's on the phone, why do you need a BBW? Can't get enough of that thick curvy, um, voice?
I NEED HEA?????? - m4m
You need what?
I am 22 years old and with very much sexiness all around my sexy figure I want a man who can be my soul mate!
There's very much realness all around this real woman, I can tell.
hey i want to have a baby no strings attached at all if you want to help out email me i am a bbw
This is a different person from the first posting. Well, sperm banks are pretty expensive.
(I wonder if these people realize you don't generally get pregnant from having sex once? Even if you're timing it carefully--and I bet you anything they're not--a one-shot encounter really isn't that likely to produce a baby.)
I can trade or barter for house cleaning, repairs, cleaning, cooking, I am a jack of many trades. Contact me with what you are looking for and like to find like minded woman or CPLs.
So it's like prostitution, except instead of money, I get this guy sweeping my porch? What a... great deal.
There are always a few people on "casual encounters" who didn't get the subtext and post painfully earnest personal ads about how they like dogs and long walks and want to take it slow with someone who has a spiritual side and values family. I always feel bad for those people.
i want a baby - w4m
lookin for a black man only please that want to have a baby right now
I wonder if there's a document you can sign that's the equivalent of a pre-nup but for child support.
And hepatitis treatment.
And the baby's hepatitis treatment.
I want you to frisk me and make it hot.
I don't know if it's an unusual euphemism or if she got really turned on at a traffic stop once and wants to recapture the magic.
Hello,
We're the slut trainers, for lack of a better name.
We consist of five Black men, all well-endowed, all drug and disease-free, and all easy-going, well-mannered people.
Put simply, we're looking for willing women who want to explore themselves and let out their inner freak/slut/whore, or whatever you want to call it.
Basically, we're providing a service, for free. We provide you with a clean, safe environment and the space with which to enjoy and explore yourself, us and the deepest recesses of your sexuality and some perversions you probably wouldn't admit to your closest friends.
This ad went on for about four pages detailing their "service" (they will have sex with you) in great and unsettlingly professional detail. This isn't a bunch of horny guys, this is a serious organization dedicated to bettering humanity. I don't know if I want to fuck them, but I feel like I should at least send a donation.
I'm looking for a woman who loves showing it off in her tight and shiny spandex. Do you have a great ass that deserves to be noticed. Big tits that stretch your Lycra top. Do you love the feel of wearing painted on leggings with cute little hiking boots and a short jacket. The perfect look on a cool fall day. Want to walk around Green lake holding the arm of a tall handsome Daddy.
Please fulfill my fetish for free. My extremely specific fetish. In public, in one of the most heavily foot-trafficked areas of the city.
you--- still got your looks..in need of NSA relations...not in a trailer park or nursing home....
It's good to have standards.
36 year Italian seeks Asian or Younger
Asian, or younger. The logic here is blowing my mind.
'm looking for a BBW who feels like talking dirty and cumming nice and hard over the PHONE with a strange guy ASAP.
If it's on the phone, why do you need a BBW? Can't get enough of that thick curvy, um, voice?
I NEED HEA?????? - m4m
You need what?
I am 22 years old and with very much sexiness all around my sexy figure I want a man who can be my soul mate!
There's very much realness all around this real woman, I can tell.
hey i want to have a baby no strings attached at all if you want to help out email me i am a bbw
This is a different person from the first posting. Well, sperm banks are pretty expensive.
(I wonder if these people realize you don't generally get pregnant from having sex once? Even if you're timing it carefully--and I bet you anything they're not--a one-shot encounter really isn't that likely to produce a baby.)
I can trade or barter for house cleaning, repairs, cleaning, cooking, I am a jack of many trades. Contact me with what you are looking for and like to find like minded woman or CPLs.
So it's like prostitution, except instead of money, I get this guy sweeping my porch? What a... great deal.
There are always a few people on "casual encounters" who didn't get the subtext and post painfully earnest personal ads about how they like dogs and long walks and want to take it slow with someone who has a spiritual side and values family. I always feel bad for those people.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Crazy.
Percentage of people I met on Craigslist for random sex who turned out to be crazy: ~20%. Most of them were simply fellow lonely souls looking for something convenient.
Percentage of people I met on Craigslist for minor household purchases who turned out to be crazy: ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT.
Seriously. I thought I'd sell my old futon for twenty-five bucks. So far I've been haggled down to twenty (whatever, I just want to get rid of it), requested to deliver to Boonieville, asked the most minute questions, asked to add accessories, and gone through three emails and two phone calls to confirm that my futon is properly futonly.
JESUS CHRIST. IT IS A BIG RECTANGULAR SOFT THING. IT IS CHEAP. IT DOES NOT SMELL BAD. BUY IT OR DON'T. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL FUTON SHOPPING ASSISTANT.
I realize that this has nothing to do with my sex blog really, it just happens every damn time and it drives me insane.
Percentage of people I met on Craigslist for minor household purchases who turned out to be crazy: ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT.
Seriously. I thought I'd sell my old futon for twenty-five bucks. So far I've been haggled down to twenty (whatever, I just want to get rid of it), requested to deliver to Boonieville, asked the most minute questions, asked to add accessories, and gone through three emails and two phone calls to confirm that my futon is properly futonly.
JESUS CHRIST. IT IS A BIG RECTANGULAR SOFT THING. IT IS CHEAP. IT DOES NOT SMELL BAD. BUY IT OR DON'T. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL FUTON SHOPPING ASSISTANT.
I realize that this has nothing to do with my sex blog really, it just happens every damn time and it drives me insane.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Risk/Reward Hierarchy.
High risk/high reward
Gorgeous (oblivious) stranger
Cute single coworker who keeps sending severely mixed messages but could create a horribly awkward situation if I come on too strong and I'm wrong
Friendly stranger
Real-life friend
Internet friend
Dating-site prospect
Kink-event freak
Real-life skanky pickup
Craigslist
Surgery
Benny
My hand
Low risk/low reward
Gorgeous (oblivious) stranger
Cute single coworker who keeps sending severely mixed messages but could create a horribly awkward situation if I come on too strong and I'm wrong
Friendly stranger
Real-life friend
Internet friend
Dating-site prospect
Kink-event freak
Real-life skanky pickup
Craigslist
Surgery
Benny
My hand
Low risk/low reward
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Silent night, holy night.
Silent night
missletoe or a camel toe lol
holy night
Exhibitionist male seeking voyuer females to watch me shoot my load.
All is calm
If you aint freakin we aint speakin ;)
all is bright
Well this year was not expected to spend Chrismtas alone but here we go. Life and its surprises.I am french with a big african dick.
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Classy Sassy Cougar Seeks Sweet Daddy Chubby Honey
Holy Infant
Sub pussy boi looking for TOP GUYS to come over pull my panties to the side and fuck my pussy hole !!!!
so tender and mild
Done with family - time for cocks
Sleep in heavenly peace
Anyone want a nice christmas candy cane to lick. I have one that's real sweet and you can lick and suck on it all day long.
Sleep in heavenly peace
YOU WANT MY SMALL DICK? - m4m - 19
missletoe or a camel toe lol
holy night
Exhibitionist male seeking voyuer females to watch me shoot my load.
All is calm
If you aint freakin we aint speakin ;)
all is bright
Well this year was not expected to spend Chrismtas alone but here we go. Life and its surprises.I am french with a big african dick.
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Classy Sassy Cougar Seeks Sweet Daddy Chubby Honey
Holy Infant
Sub pussy boi looking for TOP GUYS to come over pull my panties to the side and fuck my pussy hole !!!!
so tender and mild
Done with family - time for cocks
Sleep in heavenly peace
Anyone want a nice christmas candy cane to lick. I have one that's real sweet and you can lick and suck on it all day long.
Sleep in heavenly peace
YOU WANT MY SMALL DICK? - m4m - 19
Friday, November 21, 2008
Sexuality sure is fluid...
It's truly amazing how many men there are on craigslist who are "straight, looking to suck & fuck with another straight guy." On the one hand, I sorta get what they're trying to say--straight in their daily life, stereotypically straight looking and acting--but on the other hand my mind always boggles a little.
It sort of makes me sad too. "I'm not some queer, I just fuck guys sometimes!" shouldn't be something you need to think about yourself. I applaud the idea that sucking cock shouldn't define your entire identity, but I hate that it's done by linguistic denial of the sexuality itself.
I might be measuring from a sample size of one here, but I really believe everyone is a little bit bi. And I believe that's great. I just wish dudes didn't have to be all weird about it.
It sort of makes me sad too. "I'm not some queer, I just fuck guys sometimes!" shouldn't be something you need to think about yourself. I applaud the idea that sucking cock shouldn't define your entire identity, but I hate that it's done by linguistic denial of the sexuality itself.
I might be measuring from a sample size of one here, but I really believe everyone is a little bit bi. And I believe that's great. I just wish dudes didn't have to be all weird about it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Rejected twice in one day.
Okay, so in a fit of pique over being stood up I did my usual rational-adult-response thing and got a "random slut wants your random ass" date off craigslist, met the guy and we hung out and talked for like two hours, and then he said "I don't think I can do this, I've been through some emotional shit recently" and walked me to my car. (I couldn't tell whether the "emotional shit" was legitimate, but feh, it wouldn't do me any good to know.)
I couldn't get laid in a men's prison with a fistful of pardons.
Rrrgh.
I couldn't get laid in a men's prison with a fistful of pardons.
Rrrgh.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The 10 men you meet on Craigslist.
1. Mr. Standalone Dick Shot
"u like wat u see? 8 inches"
[picture of angry purple erection, taken down body, dick clenched in fist and glossy with mysterious fluids, patchy hair scattered on thighs like sagebrush on the side of a desert hill]
2. Mr. Discreet
"I'm married, but she'll be out of the house between 2:30 and 3:00 picking up our kids from karate... you'll have to be precise but I think this'll work out if you come at exactly 2:30 and work fast."
3. Mr. Concise
"hey"
4. Mr. Enormous Prefabricated Story
"...You feel the head of his cock settle at the lips of your pussy. Now tell me you're sorry, he says. You cannot say anything as your breathing is frenzied and your mind is swinging and spinning with what you desire, with what you need. You feel his hand come down hard on your ass, harder than the whipping before and it stings as if a swarm of bees had stung you. I'm sorry, sir, you manage to stammer out, and it is cut off with a moan as his enormous cock slides inside of you fast. It is enough to make you almost come right there. He stops suddenly..."
[like ten pages of this]
5. Mr. There Is a Goddamn Baby In My Picture
"Sorry hun this is the only pic I had. It's my nephew."
6. Mr. Unqualified
"I know you said you were looking for a guy under 35 who could meet today and host, but I'm a really healthy 54 and I'm a little busy right now and we can't use my home but maybe we could do it in the backseat of your car or something sometime next week?"
7. Mr. Suspicious
"I'm sorry but I have been burned before, so could you please prove to me that you are actually a woman? I need some kind of concrete proof that you are not a spambot for a transsexual hooker sting operation before I can carry this discussion any further."
8. Mr. Fucking Scary
"I WANT TO POUND YOUR CUNT ASS WITH MY GIANT HORSE DOG DONG UNTIL YOU SCREAM FOR THE PAIN OF RIPPING SLUT MEMBRANES AND I WILL TEAR YOU APART AND SEND YOU HOME SOBBING AND BLEEDING FROM YOUR HOLE PUSSY ASS CUNT ANUS."
9. Mr. Presumptuous
"I'll be at the Starbucks on Western at 5. I'm a tall guy and I'll be wearing a blue shirt. See you there!"
10. Mr. Suspicious Motives
"I don't remotely meet the qualifications in your ad, but you are gorgeous and I love your ad! Oh well, I guess that's all for now since I don't measure up, I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are and I hope you find what you're looking for.
...If you don't, you could always give me a call."
"u like wat u see? 8 inches"
[picture of angry purple erection, taken down body, dick clenched in fist and glossy with mysterious fluids, patchy hair scattered on thighs like sagebrush on the side of a desert hill]
2. Mr. Discreet
"I'm married, but she'll be out of the house between 2:30 and 3:00 picking up our kids from karate... you'll have to be precise but I think this'll work out if you come at exactly 2:30 and work fast."
3. Mr. Concise
"hey"
4. Mr. Enormous Prefabricated Story
"...You feel the head of his cock settle at the lips of your pussy. Now tell me you're sorry, he says. You cannot say anything as your breathing is frenzied and your mind is swinging and spinning with what you desire, with what you need. You feel his hand come down hard on your ass, harder than the whipping before and it stings as if a swarm of bees had stung you. I'm sorry, sir, you manage to stammer out, and it is cut off with a moan as his enormous cock slides inside of you fast. It is enough to make you almost come right there. He stops suddenly..."
[like ten pages of this]
5. Mr. There Is a Goddamn Baby In My Picture
"Sorry hun this is the only pic I had. It's my nephew."
6. Mr. Unqualified
"I know you said you were looking for a guy under 35 who could meet today and host, but I'm a really healthy 54 and I'm a little busy right now and we can't use my home but maybe we could do it in the backseat of your car or something sometime next week?"
7. Mr. Suspicious
"I'm sorry but I have been burned before, so could you please prove to me that you are actually a woman? I need some kind of concrete proof that you are not a spambot for a transsexual hooker sting operation before I can carry this discussion any further."
8. Mr. Fucking Scary
"I WANT TO POUND YOUR CUNT ASS WITH MY GIANT HORSE DOG DONG UNTIL YOU SCREAM FOR THE PAIN OF RIPPING SLUT MEMBRANES AND I WILL TEAR YOU APART AND SEND YOU HOME SOBBING AND BLEEDING FROM YOUR HOLE PUSSY ASS CUNT ANUS."
9. Mr. Presumptuous
"I'll be at the Starbucks on Western at 5. I'm a tall guy and I'll be wearing a blue shirt. See you there!"
10. Mr. Suspicious Motives
"I don't remotely meet the qualifications in your ad, but you are gorgeous and I love your ad! Oh well, I guess that's all for now since I don't measure up, I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are and I hope you find what you're looking for.
...If you don't, you could always give me a call."
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