Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Watershed moment.

When my first serious relationship ended, I thought I would never get laid again. For more than a year, I didn't. I just figured that guys didn't like me, that I would embarrass myself if I approached them, and that sex was for pretty people and lucky people and you just don't get lucky that often. I would have said yes if someone suitable had dropped out of the sky and asked me for a roll in the hay, but I made no effort to drop out of anyone else's sky. From age 17 to 19 I was almost entirely celibate, and not terribly happy about it.

Then at age 19 I was out in the middle of Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho, living in a shared motel room and working for food and a credit in an indie film, and on a whim I decided to post a craigslist "casual encounters" ad. I posted a very honest picture. I said I didn't care about age or looks or anything. I figured that way maybe I'd get at least one answer.

I was deluged. I didn't know that many people in Fuckin' Nowhere, Idaho even had Internet access, let alone were reading craigslist that night and wanted to fuck me. It was insane. I couldn't just get a man, I could choose a man. (For a night, of course, which changes the math considerably over wanting one to introduce to your friends and help you move furniture. But it was sex, not relationships, that pained me at that point in my life.)

I went to meet a guy who was quite a bit older than me, we had dinner, and then we went back to his place and humped like crazy bunnies. It was a little awkward--I wasn't very experienced at that time and there was more squirming around and humping than actual fucking--but it was also hot as fuck. The guy was entirely respectful and mostly sane and we had a good time and went our ways.

Somehow, that one skeevy encounter with some random middle-aged dude in the middle of nowhere turned my whole sex life around. Since then I haven't gone more than a matter of weeks without sex, but more importantly, since then I have (most of the time) believed I could get sex. That desirability isn't some objective thing I don't have--some people will desire me and some won't. Cock is always out there, and it's my decision whether I want it, not my good fortune to be awarded it.

I've gone back to craigslist a few times since--I've had a surprising number of experiences that were genuinely friendly rather than furtive, but the psycho factor is a little too high--but it wasn't really craigslist that opened my eyes, it was just a vehicle for discovering that men could want me. Maybe some girls know that just walking down the street (although probably not nearly as many as I would guess), but for me, it was a wonderful discovery. Skeezy Internet sex did wonders for my self-esteem and, in some ways, changed my life.

P.S.: I also got a response from one of my coworkers. Despite the fact that my face was completely visible in the photo, he didn't realize it was me. We never spoke of this.

P.P.S. : Okay, come to think of it, I think I actually had a bit of sex during my "almost entirely celibate" phase, like maybe actually a lot of sex considering Keith and CB and Danny and whatisface and that weird closet-case chick and her boyfriend... I was actually maybe not so celibate at all. But I maintain that it was still that craigslist experience that changed my attitude toward my own desirability.


  1. Well, yeah, I'm a guy, and I've found that casual cock is always out there and easy to find if I want it. Part of problem is that most of the time that's not what I want, I prefer romance and cuddling and long-term relationships and vagina (and preferrably, all of them at once) but none of that has been found anywhere yet, on craigslist or otherwise.

  2. I'm still waiting for my corresponding epiphany. The shortest period I've gone between partners is five months, and at the age you were posting on /cas/ I was still a virgin. Of course, NSA Internet booty isn't as likely to drop out of the sky for me (or for any straight male).

  3. Gotta admit, I'm surprised that the Craig's list experience was pretty sane. I dunno that I'd be brave enough to try it. Now that I think of it though, some of my college hook ups were pretty far from sane, so maybe Craig's list isn't really much riskier than the judgment of my 20 year old self. :P

    Bruno and Not Me-- I'm curious if you've tried running an ad or using a matching service of some type? Just to know if we're comparing the same types of experience here between guys and girls.

  4. Flitter -- I've been using online dating on and off for about three years. Never posted to Craigslist, but responded to a handful of w4m ads.

  5. Flitter - I've used Craigslist, FriendFinder, AdultFriendFinder, and OkCupid. Both as an ad poster and ad responder, with somewhat better results as a poster. If I was in the mood (or desperate enough) casual hookups with Bi or Gay men were easy to come by, and I've had sex with 6 men so far. With MW4M poly and swinger couples, I've found a few who were potentially interested, and I even met with one in person, but they were all extremely picky and apparently I didn't make the cut. I've only had one woman who showed even a slight interest, a self-described bi-curious lesbian, who I met with but she was too nervous to go through with it. Also, one date with a bi guy who was more interested in romance than sex, but it went poorly. And that's from trying every now and then for the past 6-7 years.

    Outside of internet contacts, I've danced with women at nightclubs a few times, but none seemed interested in doing more than that. Also, one girl who was interested in me in high school, but I turned her down due to having some major personal issues at the time and probably couldn't have handled dating very well, and that was nearly 2 decades ago.

  6. Somewhere in your life someone told you you were ugly and unsexy. You grew up believing this.

    Looks like you're learning that they were wrong.

    May 2010 bring you fulfillment :-)

  7. @Bruno unless you're either side of 400 pounds. Like me. You just have to learn how to project confidence and desire. I can go out right now and get some from a FWB or work a little harder and get an NSA from some hardbodied thing.

    @wrm nobody probably actually told Holly she was ugly or unsexy, it's a cultural thing she picked up from those shallow mags like Cosmo, Vogue, Ms. Television... Everyone is send out messages that to be the ultimate sexual woman you have to have the figure of a skinny boy on heroin, plus a rack that would break the back of that figure.

    I've met -and loved- literal goddesses, that didn't think they measured up. I'm in a relationship now that is doomed to failure because she can break free of her cultural demons.

    I'll miss you being just across the state from me Holly. Boston is going to be lucky to have you. Mind you they'll drive you nuts with their madness. Cradle of American freedom, but with a NYC attitude regarding guns.

    If you'll email me as you pass through Spokane, I'd love to kiss you goodbye...

  8. John B - Many, many people have straight up told me I'm ugly or unsexy, from "oh guys look, it's Holly, ha ha" in high school to "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel attracted to you physically" in college to years of being straight-up told I was an ugly troll by my own mother and sister. It ain't just TV.

    And, um, no, you can't kiss me. Sorry.

  9. Holly, I'll go out on a limb here ('cos I really don't know you at all) and guess that you're brighter [1] than most of the people you grew up with. That scared them, and that made them make you into what you are.

    But you know what? Bright is sexy.

    @John B: Indeed. The media is evil. And it's mostly women, doing it to themselves. *sigh*

    Erm... Holly... I'm all for you seeing the country, but eish girl, pick a gun-friendly place :-)

    [1] Lots.

  10. Folks, in reading what Holly wrote, I'm not convinced she was looking for an ego-stroke or someone to reassure her that all the mean people were wrong. Taken more or less at face value, her point seemed to be that she's already found for herself that sex is not something unattainable, and the internet helped her figure it out by allowing her to see for herself. I wouldn't be surprised if some people had said versions of the reassuring (and lecherous) things posted here during that time in Holly's life, but I bet there was always a logical way to rationalize that they didn't really mean what they were saying.
    The difference was when she had a way to find people who weren't just telling her an opinion, but were eager to follow through with their own time and trouble.

  11. I'll agree with Bruno above at the second post - I'm pretty sure I agree with Holly's point intellectually, but I'm not sure I've had the experiences necessary to really believe it.