Cosmocking: January '09!

Purple cover! Amanda Bynes! Funny, I always thought it was "Byrnes" until now! Wearing a leopard-print dress thing that looks like really tacky old-lady lingerie! One of the cover stories is "Have an Orgasm Every Time" and that strikes me as hyperbole because even I can't do that and if I can't, no one can!

I think this is going to be a short Cosmocking because this issue is really, really, really, really boring. Like, more than usual even.

Surprising Things that Turn Him Off
Being Kinky in Bed (At First)
There's nothing wrong with showing enthusiasm. But when it comes to off-the-wall sexcapades, setting the bar--or stripper pole--too high the first few times can make guys wonder what else you have in common with Jenna Jameson. "It feels weird to say it out loud, but I really don't want a girl to be completely uninhibited in bed when I first start sleeping with her," says John, 27. "I like to feel like we discover some stuff together and then work up to the really experimental stuff."
I'm actually about halfway with John here--it's awesome to discover new ways to have fun together--but only if you're actually discovering them. If you're just biding your time as you reel out the tricks you already knew, it's not experimentation, it's pretense.

Likewise, I know from experience it's bad to take a candy-shop approach to a new partner ("And you should use this knife on me and here's my biggest dildo and how do you feel about pee and and and..."), but overambition is bad for sex at any stage of the relationship, and that's not the same thing as declaring that the first time must be pseudo-reluctant mish or he'll think you're a ho.

Touching a man near his package in any way--with your hand, with your mouth, with your grocery cart at the store--is usually good enough to rev his engine.
I can't tell if they're joking.

Men with blue eyes are more likely to choose a blue-eyed woman as their partner. The reason: since blue eyes are a recessive genetic trait, two blue-eyed parents can only have a blue-eyed kid; a child with any other eye color must have been fathered by another guy. Blue-eyed men subconsciously know this and select women with blue eyes so that they can spot if they've been cheated on.
Or it could just be that people tend to date within their own ethic group. Otherwise I want to see the stats on guys with attached earlobes.

Also, eye color inheritance is complex, and it is possible for a blue-eyed person and a green- or brown-eyed person to have a blue-eyed child. "At least she's not cheating on me with a homozygotic guy!"

Kiss a guy on the right-side of his body. The left hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for positive feelings, controls the right half of the body. So this way, he will process your presence in the optimistic part of his mind and experience greater pleasure.
Seems like every damn issue of Cosmo has another tip for dating a split-brain patient. I like my men with corpora callosa, yo.

Are you Crazy Enough in Bed?
Hoo boy. There's gonna be a few quotes from this article.

You've probably heard male friends sing the praises of girls who are "crazy in bed." But there's such a thing as good wild (he sees your uninhibited side) and bad wild (he has to see a chiropractor or shrink after the act).
Yes, yes, be kinky, but don't be, you know, kinky. Or something. Fuck, I don't know what this means. I know the chiropractor/shrink thing isn't meant literally, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out what it is supposed to indicate.

Guys dig women who are enthusiastic in bed. That may mean being up for giving and receiving oral sex, wearing hot lingerie, or asking to go multiple rounds.
Um, wow, that's "crazy?" Isn't it more like "not asexual?"

While men appreciate it when you shake things up in the sack, they do have boundaries (who knew?). Some respondents described such activities as anal sex, playing with their back door, being into S and M, and offering to bring another women to bed as over-the-top for them personally.
Oh nice, we've got a precise line drawn between good kinky (frilly undies!) and bad kinky (actual kink!). For fuck's sake. But this is all really individual. I know guys who'd love to get fucked in the ass but would see a second woman as cheating and beyond their boundaries. I know more guys who'd love a threesome and buttsex but have no interest in pain. The only way you're going to know these things is to ask.

Also, your own desires. Cripes, we could have one damn mention in here of that. Why am I to bend over backwards to be just kinky enough (even if I hate receiving oral) and not too kinky (even if I love it in the butt) and all he has to do is sit there while I make assumptions about what he'd like? Cripes.

Q: I went out to dinner with this guy, and it was great--we got along well, and there was a definite spark. But when it came time to pay, he pulled out a coupon. I'm hardly a princess, but that totally killed it for me. Am I being too hard on him?
If it was a good dinner at a place you liked, why do you care, Princess?

(Completely irrelevant aside: I know two women who are actually named Princess. Some parents...)

Q: I started dating this guy a couple of months ago, but he broke up with me after three weeks. Ever since then, we've been acting like a couple, and he says he's in love with me. But he also says he doesn't want a girlfriend because of "rules" he has for himself. What's his deal?
A: DTMFA. Cripes.

Secret to being a confident chick: Stilletos
Nicole Lapin is one of cnn.com's youngest anchors. Her job--covering everything from going green to earthquakes--keeps her life exciting. Here's her trick for looking put together: "Classic 4-inch black pumps. They go with anything, and they are sexy and professional."
Hot damn, four inches? That's about as professional as clear plastic platforms with sparklies. (And in earthquake rubble? Never mind comfortable shoes, I want some goddamn steel-toes.) It especially seems like overkill for a job where nobody ever sees your feet.

Dunking the same chip into a dip twice is a major party foul. And as a gracious Cosmo girl, you're obligated to call it out. Smile and in a jovial tone say, "I know men want to swap spit with you, but I don't. No double dipping! [Laugh]"
Good lord, that's awkward.