Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Secondary Virginity.

My name is Holly, and I'm a secondary virgin. I've been a virgin for... two weeks now. Or three days depending what you count. I was a secondary virgin before that too, but I lost my virginity for a couple hours, and now, like Aphrodite, I have bathed in the sea and become a virgin again.

Secondary virginity is really the best kind, because it comes without the whole inexperience and physical unreadiness thing. When I give my secondary virginity to my future husband, it'll be bundled with an impressive skillset.

But the really special thing about secondary virginity is how alone I get to be. Until my future husband comes along, I get to end every night all by myself in a twin-size bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly until sleep comes. I get to not date any guys who might have, you know, expectations, and that means so much less dating in general. I get to live without the feel and smell of warm skin. I've never had more time for my jewelry projects. I'm making a citrine pendant.

All the cool ladies are virgins. Danielle Staub, whoever that is, is a secondary virgin! Even though she has two kids! That's so totally meaningful! She's not having sex until she gets married, but don't think she's some husband-hunter, because get this: she believes the right one will just come to her! I wish I could be that strong, but unfortunately, I'm attracted to men!

Secondary virginity is not like just deciding not to have sex for a while. Because that would be a personal decision, and you wouldn't get to judge people who made other personal decisions. People who don't have sex are just people, but secondary virgins are better people. They don't make mistakes. I know it's very important not to make mistakes, so I don't do anything with risks. That's why I don't leave my house. But then I heard that most accidents occur in the home, so now I live in the carport.

Did you know that a woman is like a candy bar? Not just because it's an inanimate object you can buy, but because a candy bar can only be unwrapped once! After that it's filthy and no one wants it. But with secondary virginity, you can rewrap the candy bar! A rewrapped candy bar is still kinda gross but at least someone tried.

Sex is like any other activity--the less you do it, the better it is. Like jewelry-making. The first time I made a pair of earrings, I was super great at it and the earrings were even better because I'd never made another pair. But now that I've made tons of jewelry, I guess it is less likely to be lopsided or scratched, and I guess I have had tremendous fun making all this jewelry over the years, but dammit, it's not special. (Plus, no one would let me work with good metal, because I've made too much cheap nickel-silver junk, and you know what that means.)

In conclusion, secondary virginity is way better than adventure and exploration and multiple screaming sweaty delicious orgasms because [remember to figure out a reason before hitting "publish"]

15 comments:

  1. Who are you, and what have you done with the real Holly?

    The whole born again virgin bullshit creeps me out as much as the Real Doll creeps out most people. At least the owners of Real Dolls don't come with a smarmy sense of superiority, though.

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  2. What? You have never cooked before? That makes me sooo hungry!!!one

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  3. I read this quote on Jezebel. It's from a secondary virginity article they found entitled "Take2":

    "Have you already unwrapped the priceless gift of virginity and given it away? Do you now feel like 'second-hand goods' and no longer worthy to be cherished?"

    Um. No. Whatever self-esteem issues I have are certainly not related to my "pre-owned" sexuality.

    The good news for people who like the idea of a second virginity is that you can put on a schoolgirl skirt and roleplay your deflowering every single night and not have to miss out on any fun! You know, your 71st virginity is the truly special one.

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  4. That was awesome.

    Also, now I'm trying to imagine how to metaphorically represent secondary virginity with a pre-bitten apple and/or hair-and-dirt-covered tape, toothbrushes, and lollipops. Gross.

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  5. I wish people would realize sex is a skill, not a product. Pleasure is the product you get from practicing the skill.

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  6. I try but I've got nothing to defend "secondary virginity". Quizzical Pussy's take is the only one that makes any sense to me, and even that one doesn't really work for me because I don't find virginity sexy.

    "Secondary virginity" strikes me as a weird and twisted approach toward chastity; like an Orthodox Jew who was in his "secondary never having eaten bacon" state.

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  7. Holly, you are amazing. Your satire makes me feel better about life in general. :)
    - J. Donne

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  8. Sorry if I offended with the 'special' comment. (http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2010/02/teflon-vagina.html?showComment=1265120802294#c5080870953278541752)
    I really don't understand exclusivity but most people including my wife want it, so it behooves me to try to figure it out. 'Special' is my best guess.

    I think you're really missing the point in thinking about experience though. If you're picking a sex partner who may well be short term, prior experience is obviously a serious benefit. When you're planning to have lots of sex with only one person for the rest of your life, prior experience is negligible. Everyone is different and after a solid decade working to have frequent mutually pleasing sex with Zeke, prior experience with Alex through Yancey will be irrelevant.

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  9. Amazing. You win at internet, again.

    The double-fun thing about second-virginity is that, much like FIRST virginity, no one seemed to care about mine! As a member of the be-penised human race, it's good to know that my trade-in value is pretty much the same five years after someone drives me off the metaphorical car-lot of sexuality as it was when I was first test-driven. You know, not like those be-vagina'd cars that only depreciate in value. Oy.

    Gender norms suck.

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  10. This is awesome. I almost fell out of my chair, Holly.

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  11. "Re-virgination"...how quaint. My friends and I jokingly refer to that state as the one that occurs during/after a long dry spell, whether it's by chance or design. Which just makes the next "first time" that much more fun!

    And as far as female "virginity" goes, women can and do just lie about it. Heck, I could tell some schmo that I was raised religious and I was saving myself and he'd never know...and I'd tell him I learned all my moves from reading erotica and watching porn ;)

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  12. Kaija: If someone used that combination of excuses, I'd be extremely suspicious. :-p I don't care if they're a virgin, but I do care if they're a liar.

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  13. Well I *was* being flippant, but does it goes back to Holly's point about the preciousness of virginity being sort of a just-so story...it only exists to the extent that you want to believe. :)

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