Monday, February 21, 2011

Cosmocking: March '11! Part 2!

Wow, that was a long gap between Cosmockings. But this shit ain't over 'til it's over.

There's an article on "super-predators," which are of course women who steal other women's men. The man's role in all this or his feelings about it are joyfully unexamined.
One of her favorite scenes to prowl? The workplace, where she can toy with her prey on a daily basis.
Confession: I flirt with a taken man at my work. I'd never fuck him unless I was assured this was cool with everyone, and the flirting is more like joking around than like "take me now you stallion." But toying with prey? No, no, you don't understand, I'm flirting with this guy because I like him. Maybe I'm some New Age freak, but my experience of liking someone is that I want them to be happy and want good things to happen to them. Grrr, predatory.

Woman-as-cat is a strangely pervasive cultural metaphor. There's "pussy," of course, but I think that's mostly just a pube joke. But beyond that, there's this image of femininity as scheming, manipulative, as hunting with silence and sneakery while men (dogs) hunt with brutality and strength. We don't just express attraction to a guy, we stalk him from the shadows and lure him into our grasp and then pounce and bat him around for a bit before eating part of his intestines and leaving him out on the kitchen floor as a present for our owners because we love them so very much and then we go pee in a sandbox and kick a bunch of pee-sand out on the kitchen floor too.

Tell him you recognize that she's a siren, and if you had an attractive coworker who was that intent on seducing you, you're not sure you'd trust yourself alone with him.
But... I would. I mean, I'm with me all the time. I don't so much as scratch my nose without my permission. It's not like I'm going to sneak off and do something I don't approve of.

And I'm going to go ahead and be a sucker, and trust that the same is true of a man. It's possible that he'll decide to cheat on me, but that's not quite the "whoops, I tripped and landed in her vagina" situation you seem to be positing here.

Then follow up by giving him an ultimatum: You don't want him to have anything to do with her outside work obligations, and if he ever crosses the line, you're out.
Controlling which people your partner can associate with is a warm and healthy action done by good people.

I believe that if a company is losing business, and the only solution management can come up with is to hold a lot of meetings where they yell at the underlings "work harder, we need everyone working real super hard," that business is screwed. Likewise, if the only way you're keeping your partner from cheating is by ordering them not to, your relationship is in about the same place as Wile E. Coyote trying not to look down. A guy who wouldn't say no to a "super-predator" is a guy who wants to cheat anyway. It's not all about her super magic siren seduction powers.

This featherlight touch will have you both tingling: While still kneeling between his legs, dab flavored lube on your nipples. Then cup one of your breasts in your hand, and slide the top of your nipple from the bottom of his testicles to the tip of his shaft, circling the head and then sliding it back down.
Oh god, I thought I was kidding about "nipples on testicles"! I THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.

Also... why does it need to be flavored lube?

Zero on each other's nipples. The nerves here have a direct connection to the nerves in your genitals[...]
See, this is what I mean by saying "the moon is made of bleu cheese." This isn't just a matter of disagreement with my opinions. This is disagreement with consensus reality. The nerves in your nipples have a direct connection with your brain. Obviously.

I think what Cosmo is trying to say is that your nipples may be psychologically associated with your genitals. Which they may be! But you don't get to describe something as a physical reality just because you sorta feel that way. That's like saying "my boyfriend and I have flesh that is literally fused together" to express how much you like him. It's factually wrong and it's just weird.

Yes, my husband, Scott, and I share plenty of awkward moments, but I would never let one rip in front of him and then wait to see whether he's repulsed.
Me either. I prefer to hit and run.

Without even getting into the feminist implications of not allowing women to have human biology (New Rule! The Krebs Cycle is unfeminine! Don't get caught metabolizing in front of your man, you ickypoo!), how does that even work? Do you go to the bathroom just to fart? Or do you hold it in and then... it doesn't just go away. Can it actually go all the way back up and turn into a burp? Does it sort of mix into your poo and aerate it, so you make a lot of floaters? Or do you just take the fartiest poops ever?

...boy, this is one sexy sexblog I've got here.

That said, psychologist Billy Lee Kidd [...] assures me that just because Scott's put off by my peeing with the door open, it doesn't mean he'll freak about all unsavory things, since guys usually find only some behaviors offensive. For instance, morning breath and bedhead may be fine--Kidd says they could remind Scott of sex.
It's good that you have his permission to have morning breath and bedhead (but only because they're sexy sex things!), because how the hell do you sleep with someone every night and not show them these things?

Also, that is the cowboyest name for a psychologist ever. "And his esteemed colleague, Wyatt Jesse Cassidy, PhD."

Player-proof your life: wait a few dates longer than you think you should to sleep with a guy. A-holes will lose interest and weed themselves out.
So the way to keep a guy from fucking and leaving is to test him and see if he... leaves. You're kinda out of luck either way, aren't you? At least one way you got laid.

The Alpha Male's bedroom MO? Nearly 50% of you said he makes you feel like the only woman on Earth.
"Oh my God... Mom? Grandma? Auntie? My best friend? My sister? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


  1. I'm the only one left!


    But seriously, yeah, they're encouraging the whole, catty jealous broad thing. That shit never makes sense to me.

  2. Although...I can kind of get behind the 'don't fart in front of him' thing. I mean, please don't, not around me. Equality's great, but don't a dick, dude. I'm trying to eat over here.

  3. RoboCop - You seem to be, ah, only partway along in your journey to feminist enlightenment,

    Which is the nicest way I can think of saying "don't talk about catty jealous broads and about how equality's nice and all but don't be too equal because that shit just nasty." That's actually fairly obnoxious.

    Which is the nicest way I can think of saying go piss up a rope, I'll fart where I damn well please and I'm not even that farty I just happen to have a digestive system even when men are around.

  4. I love your Cosmocking. It is the reason I started following your blog (even though I now read every post with great glee).

    The whole "women don't get to have biology" thing has always puzzled me. I once saw a series of t-shirts that said "Girls Don't Poop" on them. There was no other explanation, and as far as I can tell the brand wasn't really associated with anything else. Just the proud declaration that not have functioning intestinal tracts.

    Any guy who expects me not to fart in front of him is a guy who I'm not going to date. I am dead serious. Maybe this is tmi, but I fart a LOT. I would be up and out of the room six, maybe ten times if we're spending an evening together. I will try not to fart directly on him, I will try to move if I have a sense that it's going to be horrifyingly bad, and I will light candles. But asking me to clench my ass until the end of time is just not right.

  5. Perhaps RoboCop meant that he'd prefer -nobody- to fart around him; I know people who really would prefer that neither men nor women fart in their presence.

    Of course, I don't have a sense of smell, so let 'er rip, ladies and gentlemen, you will not offend me!

  6. Yeah, what Aaron said. I'm a pretty squeamish guy in general. I myself tryyyyyyy not to do it unless I'm walking outside on an extremely windy day where nobody would hear anyway.

    "Which is the nicest way I can think of saying "don't talk about catty jealous broads and about how equality's nice and all but don't be too equal because that shit just nasty." That's actually fairly obnoxious."

    The wording of that confused me. I'm slow sometimes. Please rephrase?

  7. That 'only lady of significance' trope has been *everywhere* lately. And by everywhere, I mean both in Cosmo, and on my local radio. I've been hearing this song where the chorus goes, "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world/Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love/Like I'm the only one who knows your heart..."

    It makes me sad, thinking about how many possessive insecure types there must be out there for that song to be so goddamn popular.

  8. Uh... wow. I didn't realize leaving the room to fart was a big deal. My father made it a rule in our house growing up, and we all did it, boys and girls alike. It was really just meant for the dinner table, but it seems polite.

    I never realized there was a gender implication, which would be bad, but I think that whenever possible, it's certainly a nice gesture to spare your partner.

  9. Just to clarify, I still do leave the room. It can be slightly uncomfortable for a minute or whatever, but there's a pleasure in knowing it's for the sake of doing something sweet for my partner.

    Perhaps the issue here (aside from apparently not being reciprocated by the guy in some cases) is that people's efforts to do so are taken for granted. If guys showed you a lot of appreciation, and commented on how considerate of you it was, would you feel slightly differently, *assuming* that they reciprocated the actions as well?

  10. Honestly, I just don't care. I don't have like killer mega flatulence, but on the occasion that it happens, it happens. I don't really care if other people fart either.

  11. @M4gaston: I know you were serious, but the image of a man getting up to leave the room, stand in the hall to fart, and coming back just made me giggle.

    If my sister or stepbrother would fart, my dad would tell them to "go to the bathroom to do that." My stepmom would tell us stories of stinking up rooms and then blaming the animals. He's very uncomfortable with the concept. My mom and stepdad, on the other hand, are very comfortable letting 'em go around people they're comfortable with.

    Personally I've always been a hold it kind of girl, or trying to make sure they're silent if I don't think they'll be stinky (I know it sounds silly but a lifetime of practice has some results). I have no idea why - I spent far more time around my mom than my dad. With my bf it's just an occurrence for a cute face and a giggle.

  12. (TMI TIME) It is actually possible to hold a fart long enough that it goes away, and to make it more silent (clench your ass muscles slightly to let the air out slowly). (/TMI TIME)

    I don't bother anymore, though. I fart the same way that I'll eat food that just fell on the floor, wear clothes to dinner that are sweaty from exercising and only be slightly discreet in picking my boogers. I am a fairly disgusting human being.

    If Cosmo asks, tell it I'm being a Cool Chick who Isn't Hung Up On All That Small Stuff.

  13. Also, if I'm dating a guy, and I can't trust him to obey the fundamental assumptions of our relationship (such as monogamy) when I'm not in the room, I am swiftly going to be not dating that guy.

  14. The Alpha Male's bedroom MO? Nearly 50% of you said he makes you feel like the only woman on Earth.
    "Oh my God... Mom? Grandma? Auntie? My best friend? My sister? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

    You owe me a new keyboard, Holly!

  15. Thank you, thank you, thank you for acknowledging that both people are in the wrong when it comes to cheating. So many people will blame only "that bitch/asshole trying to steal my man/woman" or the cheating partner themselves, when both are to blame. I'd say that the only way anyone can be innocent in cheating is if the "other person" doesn't actually know that the married/in a relationship person is married/in a relationship.

    Oh, and I'd prefer that women not fart in front of men... or women, and men not fart in front of anyone either. Or at least try to limit farting in other people's smelling reach. Sometimes you let one slip and you can't really help it, but farting is gross and I don't want to smell anyone's farts, male or female.
    Although I guess if everyone's okay with farts, well, let it rip.

    ...That's probably way more words than I wanted to write about farting today.

  16. Is "feeling like the only woman on Earth" even a good thing? "Well, gee, I don't really like you, but I don't have any other options."

  17. I blame the farts on the dog. So does he. Boy, we have one pretty damn gassy pooch. Honestly, it's just something you work out with your partner...agree that farts are funny? Let 'er rip! Maybe not in the fancy restaurant like you do at home though. Prefer that someone leave the room to pass gas? Then come to an agreement about that. But for the love of cheese, farting is universal.

    I personally like to leave the door open when I pee so that I can keep the conversation going and after living happily alone for 6 years, I now have to remember to shut the door for number 2. But then I grew up in a big family in a small house with one bathroom, so someone was always barging in and there were no illusions about who did and didn't poop on a regular basis :)

    And I <3 Cosmocking!

  18. I am eternally twelve, and have probably laughed for at least 15 minutes at the phrase, "fartiest poops."

  19. I have thoughts on the fart situation, but let's veer over to the nipple thing. Because really and truly, my nipples FEEL like they are directly wired to my clit. It seems anatomically unlikely, I guess, so it must be brain signals doing the work, but still. Isn't that a thing I've read in Savage Love, to call it having "wired" nipples and some people have that?

  20. Chi - They may be associated in your brain. Which is a very real thing; just because the connection is in your head doesn't mean it's "all in your head." But I am absolutely positive there is no nerve running directly between your crotch and chest. Nerves just do not work that way.

  21. I don't see the logic behind "if he's interested in a relationship and interested in you, you can scare him off by having sex too soon." If anything, that would encourage me.

    Bedhead isn't sexy to me, you won't find me going "oo, bedhead, rowr!" I say "hm, bedhead." Then I say "oo, girlfriend, rowr!" I happen to like my gilfriend and find her attractive.

    There's "pussy," of course, but I think that's mostly just a pube joke.
    It's soft and (typically) fuzzy, yes, but "puss" is also a near-homophone of "purse" -- and "hairy checkbook" is better attested than I care to think about.

  22. My boyfriend and I laugh at each other's farts (and sometimes I say "good one") but the CAT's farts, oh my gawd are they awful. How can we train HIM to leave the room?


  23. I think public spaces with lots of strangers around-- it's impossible to establish any kind of agreement contrary to the already established social expectation/assumption that farts are "gross," and that the smell tends to be "offensive." Ergo, I feel it fits in the world of "polite" to curb in public, in similar ways that pooping is natural but I also am expected to curb my dog's poops on public property.

    At home, I grew up with a mum that farted openly (although they were often blamed on "barking spiders", a reference that I never understood,) and while I was married I got used to doors being open while people peed so that conversations didn't have to pause, etc.

    I still want to run a survey experiment to find out who, if anyone, actually feels repelled from otherwise good relationships just because sex wasn't a "grand event of pursuing and waiting anxiously for." ...If I ever find them, I will smack them. But I've never been able to find a good way to ask the question. Maybe, "How soon do you think it's appropriate to intimate to a new dating partner that you want to have sex?" ...I dunno.

  24. Also. Roflcopter @ Fnord's ""Well, gee, I don't really like you, but I don't have any other options." Thank you for pointing that out, lulz.

  25. Those bumps on scrota... dear God, they're not taste buds...

    are they? D:

  26. Thank you, thank you, thank you for acknowledging that both people are in the wrong when it comes to cheating.

    I didn't think Holly was saying that. And regardless, I disagree. If some dude has a crush on me and tries to get me to date or make out with him, I am responsible for saying no. Why should anyone else be in charge of keeping my relationship monogamous? It's my relationship. This seems dangerously akin to the idea that a rape victim who looks sexy must be at fault: "But she tempted him! He had to fuck her!" Um, no.

    Now, I do think that actively pursuing someone who's already in a monogamous relationship is a shitty thing to do (just like deliberately hurting anyone's feelings is a shitty thing to do). But blaming the pursuer when the relationshipped person decides to cheat is ludicrous. As Holly says, nobody trips and falls into someone's vagina. Fucking someone is a deliberate decision. If you make a bad decision to fuck someone...tough shit, it was still your decision.

  27. I find farting generally repulsive regardless of gender. The only thing worse than audibly farting is ////TALKING//// about farting or making any kind of acknowledgement that it just happened. I think it's a British thing.

  28. @BritAnon: soooo, but blog comment threads about farting are brilliant, right? ;-)


  29. I am sort of disappointed the direction this thread has taken.

    (okay and sort of delighted)

  30. "Can it actually go all the way back up and turn into a burp? Does it sort of mix into your poo and aerate it, so you make a lot of floaters? Or do you just take the fartiest poops ever?"

    So THAT'S how floaters are made! Floaters ARE the fartiest poops! It all makes sense now!

    Here's a little "friend of a friend" story... So a friend of mine was telling me about a "friend" of hers who said he could never respect a women who he heard fart. We were wondering what kind of warped idea he had about women and how the hell he could last in any relationship where the woman didn't sew up her anus then gradually bloat up and die. Or burp farts and puke poop, however it'd work.

    I've been with my partner for three years now. We spend almost every night together so obviously farts cannot be kept a secret. Nowadays, we almost seem to emphasize them around each other because I'm sure they're getting louder as time goes by.

    ...Ok, this is possibly the longest comment I've left on your blog during the two years I've been reading it and I've talked about poop and farts. Not sure what that says about me.

  31. Oh and I suspect that Cosmo suggested putting flavoured lube on the nipples because they seem to have this direct link to the genitals so that when you lube up your nips, you're actually lubing up your BITS. He'll be SO surprised when he goes down on you and you taste like chemically fake banana that he'll propose to you right then and there!

  32. New reader here :) Was recommended your blog from a new friend and I'm loving it already. I just found something that I felt I needed to comment on:

    "Yes, my husband, Scott, and I share plenty of awkward moments, but I would never let one rip in front of him and then wait to see whether he's repulsed.
    Me either. I prefer to hit and run."

    I'm pretty much in tears. Thank you for the good laugh!

    I had an ex that told me I could "only fart in the bathroom." What a jerk... Now I've learned that our bodies have these normal functions, and that farting just happens to be one of them. Go Figure. (Oh and my current man often says "Good One!" after a particularly good, or even interesting fart. :) He must be a keeper.

  33. Missa Jae-

    He's a keeper!