Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cosmocking: April '11! Part One!

White cover! Those are my favorite! Olivia Wilde! It looks like a tank top, but no, I guess it's a dress! The outlines of her breasts visible beneath the dress do not line up with her cleavage in any comprehensible manner! Also her head is perfectly level even though her neck is angled! Try doing this in a mirror! "50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less)"! Turns out these are ways to tell your boyfriend you want sex, not seduce a man from scratch, so it's not really that hard! "Kinky Sex"! No it's not!

We're hard-wired to enjoy items more when they have a higher price tag.
New rule. Cosmo writers, you're not allowed to use the phrase "hard-wired" any more unless you:
A) Present proof of completion of one semester of evolutionary biology, two semesters of anthropology, and one semester of neuroanatomy
or B) Are discussing electronics.

Maybe with enough education, they'll finally realize that words have specific meanings, so you can't just orangutan brownie woodchip.

Q: Is it rude to wear heels that make me taller than my guy?
A: It depends on the guy. Some have issues with being vertically challenged[...] If yours is one of them, rock glam flats on date nights. Even if size has never been an obvious sore spot for your man, aim for a heel that makes you no more than an inch taller than him. It's great that he doesn't have a complex... and you don't want to give him one.

Poor Sprite. She's six feet tall. To avoid complexifying most guys (including Rowdy), she'll have to dig a small trench everywhere she goes. (To avoid giving me a complex, she'll need to sit on the floor.)

"Women should be shorter than men" thinking comes from the same place as "women should shave their legs," I think. The average woman is shorter and less hairy than the average man--with tons of exceptions on both sides, but on average--and somehow this went from descriptive to prescriptive, to the edict that a woman must have no body hair and must be shorter than any guy she's seen with, or else she's a man or her boyfriend isn't a man or something.

It's amazing the work a woman has to put into not being a man, considering how she wasn't a man in the first place.

Warning: Cougar-in-training
This is the caption on a picture of Selena Gomez (18) kissing Justin Bieber (16). Yeah, way to work that "confident older woman who's been around the block" vibe, you, uh, teenager.

You know, it's cute now, but just think: when he turns 30, she'll be... 31.

"I Kept a Secret Sex Blog!"
Oh boy Cosmo. This'll be fun. (Although admittedly this blog is currently about as "secret" as the Washington Monument. I introduce myself as "Holly Pervocracy" at parties, for chrissake.)

I imagined myself as a next-generation, just-married Carrie Bradshaw. And maybe, if I was super racy and held nothing back, I could even get a book and movie deal!
Oh honey. If you could get a book and movie deal for writing "and then his woody went in my hoo-hoo, like for serious you guys!", I wouldn't be processing body fluid specimens at 3 AM.

Really, I think it has less to do with how "racy" you are and more to do with writing excellent query and proposal letters and having good industry contacts.

Immediately, I began brainstorming topics and drafting entries about my bikini-wax preferences and how I fantasized about christening every corner of the house we'd just purchased.
Wow. How racy. I, uh, shave and I have roommates so I can't really go around "christening" everything, but one time Rowdy's roommates were away and we broke the living room futon. ...Because it couldn't support five people at once.

Every thought and conversation that I had that had anything to do with sex--Would I ever be up for a threesome? Were our best friends really swingers?--went on the blog.
I'm fairly sure I would be up for a threesome. I am also fairly sure that some of my best friends are swingers. The funny thing is, I've kind of gotten to the point where I don't even find these things noteworthy. I've had threesomes that I didn't bother to write about on the blog because it was just, you know, a night in with my loved ones, and hashing out the details each time seems... boring. (Three-way cuddles really are the best, though. Three-way sex can take a bit of choreography, but being in a "drawer of spoons" is just plain warm and fuzzy and awesome.) At this point in my sexual evolution I'm more interested in the meaning of weird and free sex than the mere fact that I'm having it.

I know this isn't about me. I'm just comparing sexblog dicks at this point. Mine's bigger. Let's move on.

"One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but I told him he could only eat if off my body."
Good breakfast foods for this: Fresh fruit, whipped cream, small pastries
Maybe: Yogurt, cereal, toast
Bad: Fried eggs, sizzling bacon, piping hot oatmeal

"I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book--and the especially hot scene that I'd dog-eared--stashed in there."
I know that risk-taking is sexy and all, but this seems like it runs about a 90% chance of him going "here's your thing, honey" and going on his merry way, and then you have to either scrap the whole plan or resort to increasingly pathetic "hey, baby, did you notice anything else in my purse... no, keep looking... it's in the big pocket... under the glasses case, yeah... no, not the phone charger... okay, sheesh, just look at the book... now look at the dog-eared page... no, the other side of the page" maneuvers.

"The guy I was dating was writing a mid-term paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let's bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.
1. This would have turned out awesome if he hadn't noticed.
2. It would also be kind of awesome if she literally wrote "bleep."

Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse... then lean back and tell him to find it.
"And, GYAAHHHH, quickly!"

Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night.
Negotiation, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Here's the thing this is missing: men can have triggers. Not everyone's feelings about being physically restrained are totally comfy and fun, and some people have had some really really bad experiences with being unable to move. If it turns out, for example, that your boyfriend was a survivor of police brutality, it's possible his reaction to being unexpectedly handcuffed won't be entirely boneriffic.

Or maybe it will. Maybe he has no bad associations, or he does but he's fine doing it in a safe and sexy context. You don't know unless you ask. And if you think it's awkward talking about sex, well, frantically apologizing and unlocking and apologizing again is a whole lot more awkward.



There's more. So much more! But if I don't get my three hours of beauty sleep I'll be just a wreck when I literally wreck my car from sleep deprivation. To be continued...

30 comments:

  1. I'm going to to go back and read this post once I've commented, but I just had to tell you: there has not been one. single. time. that I've seen "Cosmocking" pop up in my Google Reader and NOT read it as "Cock Smoking." Not once.

    Okay, reading now!

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  2. Hershele OstropolerMarch 6, 2011 at 5:12 PM

    Warning: Cougar-in-training
    This is the caption on a picture of Selena Gomez (18) kissing Justin Bieber (16). Yeah, way to work that "confident older woman who's been around the block" vibe, you, uh, teenager.

    You know, it's cute now, but just think: when he turns 30, she'll be... 31.

    This somewhat ties in with height and hairiness. Where is it written that a man has to be older than his wife/GF?

    (Of course, I would say that, since I'm not.)

    Also, when Figleaf looked at this I was eager to see your take to compare.

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  3. OH MY GOD
    "Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night.
    Negotiation, motherfucker, do you speak it?"


    You are a goddess. I bow before your referencing abilities and your snark and your eye for the ridiculous in life.

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  4. I read "Olivia Wilde" as "Oscar Wilde", and I was so happy.

    Hmph. I'm still in the "I'm having sex! Look at me! WHEEEEEE!" stage of sexblogging, and even I have more interesting things to write about than fantasizing about having sex all over the house. Of course, that's because I'm in a dorm room so "having sex all over the house" means "uh, baby, I think you just got your come all over my stats homework, the tea kettle and my cell phone charger", but still.

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  5. No, it's okay. No Cosmo guy would admit to anything like a trigger, so the shame wouldn't fall on the lady! They relationship would just rapidly dissolve as his fear of his own girlfriend expanded to compel him to run to the bathroom regularly to cry and vomit at the same time.

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  6. "And if you think it's awkward talking about sex, well, frantically apologizing and unlocking and apologizing again is a whole lot more awkward."

    ...and if you think it's awkward talking about sex, why are you writing a sex blog?
    Surely, that's the question?

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  7. Did anybody else notice the interesting placement of the "Gyno" headline?

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  8. Hershele OstropolerMarch 6, 2011 at 7:25 PM

    Also:
    Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night.
    Negotiation, motherfucker, do you speak it?

    Here's the thing this is missing: men can have triggers


    Also ... not cool. I'm pretty sure in New York that's rape. Even if I liked being bound, it's a bit presumptuous to assume I'll be ok with being bound tonight when we haven't even established I'm horny.

    Oh, wait, I'm dating a Cosmo girl. Never mind.

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  9. It would be be pretty awesome if he'd forgotten to take it out. I did similar things to a couple friends in college, but always before spellchecking, and spellcheck just doesn't think most of those words qualify.

    Also, did anyone else ever write some stupid paper that they hated and give it some filename like bullshitpaperfuckhateyoudrhurtzgoddammit.doc and then get paranoid that they would somehow be able to feel or intuit the filename from the hard copy? Anyone?

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  10. "Let's bleep"

    ...

    ...put on your red shoes and bleep the blues.

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  11. Cassie: Thank goodness, I'm not the only one!

    ReplyDelete
  12. girafeduflame: when you send a file through outlook, the recipient can see the file name. in fact, the file name is the default subject line. which was really convenient when I sent a bank president a file I named "fuckingmodificationthatwillnotdie.doc."

    good times at the law office, let me tell you.

    personal failure, who finds it difficult to login on an iPod.
    http://foreverinhell.blogspot.com

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  13. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse... then lean back and tell him to find it.

    Tips like this one make me paranoid that I'm not anatomically incorrect, or something. Because to me, the word "finding" implies that there will be a certain amount of challenge involved, and I don't understand how that could possibly work.

    If I drop an ice cube down my top it's gonna either get caught between my boobs or slide down the centre of my chest and fall out the bottom of my shirt, depending on which bra I'm wearing. It's not much of a scavenger hunt.

    But maybe Cosmo girls have three boobs, or weird random pouches of flesh up in there, or something...?

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  14. I accidentally wrote a double negative re: the anatomical correctness. I'm sure y'all could piece together what I meant though.

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  15. "orangutan brownie woodchip" = laughed beer all over my keyboard.

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  16. "Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night."

    Even if the person doesn't have a trigger, make sure they at least know it is you. Otherwise you might just get kicked in the spleen by an angry black libertarian shouting "I PLEAD THE THIRTEENTH!"

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  17. Brilliant...and I am totally going to use this (with attribution since I have been overeducated):
    "... you're not allowed to use the phrase "hard-wired" any more unless you:
    A) Present proof of completion of one semester of evolutionary biology, two semesters of anthropology, and one semester of neuroanatomy
    or B) Are discussing electronics."


    And yes, NEGOTIATION and COMMUNICATION in sex, duh...

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  18. In fairness to the high-heels thing, there's a difference between a guy so neurotic he can't even deal with a taller gf, versus artificially contributing to the "problem", which is kind of rude even if the only problem is the result of a personal neurosis. OTOH, I'm a 6'2" man, so what do I know, EVERYONE is shorter than me. From my perspective, the effect of high heels on height is not really noticeable; if they do anything interesting, it's to the legs.

    I think the term "cougar" was originally coined for 40-year olds going after college age men, which is outside the norm even with the genders reversed. It's only when people decided it was hot that it applied to a 10% age difference.

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  19. Fnord - When someone's "problem" is deeply rooted in sexism and also kind of going against the physical reality of the situation, it's not rude to make them deal with their own problem, instead of getting all Harrison Bergeron and literally cutting yourself down on their behalf.

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  20. Then again, I'm dating someone nine inches taller than I am, so maybe I'm just a little lacking in sympathy here.

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  21. armorsmith42 - Same thought here. Springing something like this on someone of whose reaction you are not sure can often lead to a situation neither of those involved wants.

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  22. In fairness to the high-heels thing, there's a difference between a guy so neurotic he can't even deal with a taller gf, versus artificially contributing to the "problem",

    I...don't even understand what this means. If a guy is secure in himself and his masculinity, there is no "problem": a woman can be taller than him and he won't care. Are you trying to say that if a woman wears heels enough around this guy, he'll become neurotic?

    I'm 6' tall and used to wear 5" platform boots out clubbing. Between that and the shaved head, I tended to attract only guys who aren't all hung up on gender shit. I love filters. :)

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  23. Ah, the height issue. I'm in a bit of a mad that at the outset of my relationship, I totally swallowed the idea that it was my job to change my personal style to keep the height balance of the universe in line. He never told me to, but acted weird and "joked" about it when I appeared taller than him. Ah, searching for wedding shoes that didn't have a heel!

    It's all total bullshit, but now thinking back I'm amazed at how many people just nodded like "of course" when I would comment on how much trouble I was having finding flats for work and how much I missed wearing my coolest shoes. It even went so far as, "Today I don't expect to see him, so I get to wear these!" Ugh and ugh.
    Bitter, party of one tall woman.

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  24. I, by contrast, deliberately wore heels to a fancy event even though my then-bf (who was 5'4") begged me not to.

    The way I see it, my being in heels (which made me ten inches taller than my bf) didn't make him less manly, it made me more womanly - the heels gave me legs for days and emphasized my boobs (mostly by putting them right in his face). I felt like a goddess.

    If my feet and back could stand it anymore, I'd still wear shoes with heels frequently.

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  25. Her boobs are square! Amazing!

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  26. It occurs to me that even if there was a guy out there was was a-okay doing the slave gig without negotiation, going that path is still pretty unappealing.

    Knowing limits and boundaries is good, but noting preferences and asking for certain things is also a way to make sex pretty awesome. Sitting on my bf and telling him my fantasies, brainstorming new things to try -- it's half the fun! :D

    Maybe this is why people get nervous about sex, and there gets to be such a divide? I'd be nervous if all I knew when starting a scene was the setting "slave for the night", or hell, even just vanilla sex. Talking is a consequence of the kink in the sex I have, but even if I wasn't kinky, I think it'd be just as fufilling.

    Explicitly stating not only what you don't like, but your preferences doesn't mean you're implying the other person has somehow failed to read your mind. And for some things, laying it down is easier than expecting them to find out naturally during sex. It took me a while to learn to have fun talking about sex, but now that I have, it's awesome!

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  27. I've never understood the height thing. I'm reasonably tall even without heels (which I never wear, because...ow) but it's never really been an issue. I don't see the point of shaping my behavior around some guy's self-esteem issues. If he's that hung up on being taller than me, he can wear heels.

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  28. I've a male cousin who's a little older than me, and we were always around the same height, with me being about half an inch taller. I remember being so confused at around 12 (he was 13/14) when this suddenly stopped being okay to joke about, or even mention... It's different now because we're in our twenties, but there is definitely pressure on guys (and obviously adolescents would feel it worst) to be tall.

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  29. This is what I don't understand about the height issue. Before the first date, the man would have realized that the woman was either close to his height or taller. Why would heels make that big a difference? I assume that if he was that uncomfortable with his height, he would only date shorter women.

    I am only five foot tall but I once dated a man who was very close to my height. He always encouraged me to wear heels, even very high ones. Maybe he just had a lot of self confidence.

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  30. The thrill of actually having a girlfriend didn't really dawn on me until I realized I could ask her not to shave her legs and she would do it. (And speaking of age discrepancy stereotypes, she's also older than me, not that you'd know by looking at us.) Oh such bliss! I dreamed (and more) for years about being with a wild woman with wild hair, and now I am. *Sigh*

    Of course, some days she's not a wild woman, she's a scared little girl, an obedient pet, an obliging older woman, or something that's - well, I don't know what but she's got a huge purple dong.

    I had a point, but I got distracted.

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