Cosmocking: April '11! Part One!

White cover! Those are my favorite! Olivia Wilde! It looks like a tank top, but no, I guess it's a dress! The outlines of her breasts visible beneath the dress do not line up with her cleavage in any comprehensible manner! Also her head is perfectly level even though her neck is angled! Try doing this in a mirror! "50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less)"! Turns out these are ways to tell your boyfriend you want sex, not seduce a man from scratch, so it's not really that hard! "Kinky Sex"! No it's not!

We're hard-wired to enjoy items more when they have a higher price tag.
New rule. Cosmo writers, you're not allowed to use the phrase "hard-wired" any more unless you:
A) Present proof of completion of one semester of evolutionary biology, two semesters of anthropology, and one semester of neuroanatomy
or B) Are discussing electronics.

Maybe with enough education, they'll finally realize that words have specific meanings, so you can't just orangutan brownie woodchip.

Q: Is it rude to wear heels that make me taller than my guy?
A: It depends on the guy. Some have issues with being vertically challenged[...] If yours is one of them, rock glam flats on date nights. Even if size has never been an obvious sore spot for your man, aim for a heel that makes you no more than an inch taller than him. It's great that he doesn't have a complex... and you don't want to give him one.
Poor Sprite. She's six feet tall. To avoid complexifying most guys (including Rowdy), she'll have to dig a small trench everywhere she goes. (To avoid giving me a complex, she'll need to sit on the floor.)

"Women should be shorter than men" thinking comes from the same place as "women should shave their legs," I think. The average woman is shorter and less hairy than the average man--with tons of exceptions on both sides, but on average--and somehow this went from descriptive to prescriptive, to the edict that a woman must have no body hair and must be shorter than any guy she's seen with, or else she's a man or her boyfriend isn't a man or something.

It's amazing the work a woman has to put into not being a man, considering how she wasn't a man in the first place.

Warning: Cougar-in-training
This is the caption on a picture of Selena Gomez (18) kissing Justin Bieber (16). Yeah, way to work that "confident older woman who's been around the block" vibe, you, uh, teenager.

You know, it's cute now, but just think: when he turns 30, she'll be... 31.

"I Kept a Secret Sex Blog!"
Oh boy Cosmo. This'll be fun. (Although admittedly this blog is currently about as "secret" as the Washington Monument. I introduce myself as "Holly Pervocracy" at parties, for chrissake.)

I imagined myself as a next-generation, just-married Carrie Bradshaw. And maybe, if I was super racy and held nothing back, I could even get a book and movie deal!
Oh honey. If you could get a book and movie deal for writing "and then his woody went in my hoo-hoo, like for serious you guys!", I wouldn't be processing body fluid specimens at 3 AM.

Really, I think it has less to do with how "racy" you are and more to do with writing excellent query and proposal letters and having good industry contacts.

Immediately, I began brainstorming topics and drafting entries about my bikini-wax preferences and how I fantasized about christening every corner of the house we'd just purchased.
Wow. How racy. I, uh, shave and I have roommates so I can't really go around "christening" everything, but one time Rowdy's roommates were away and we broke the living room futon. ...Because it couldn't support five people at once.

Every thought and conversation that I had that had anything to do with sex--Would I ever be up for a threesome? Were our best friends really swingers?--went on the blog.
I'm fairly sure I would be up for a threesome. I am also fairly sure that some of my best friends are swingers. The funny thing is, I've kind of gotten to the point where I don't even find these things noteworthy. I've had threesomes that I didn't bother to write about on the blog because it was just, you know, a night in with my loved ones, and hashing out the details each time seems... boring. (Three-way cuddles really are the best, though. Three-way sex can take a bit of choreography, but being in a "drawer of spoons" is just plain warm and fuzzy and awesome.) At this point in my sexual evolution I'm more interested in the meaning of weird and free sex than the mere fact that I'm having it.

I know this isn't about me. I'm just comparing sexblog dicks at this point. Mine's bigger. Let's move on.

"One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but I told him he could only eat if off my body."
Good breakfast foods for this: Fresh fruit, whipped cream, small pastries
Maybe: Yogurt, cereal, toast
Bad: Fried eggs, sizzling bacon, piping hot oatmeal

"I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book--and the especially hot scene that I'd dog-eared--stashed in there."
I know that risk-taking is sexy and all, but this seems like it runs about a 90% chance of him going "here's your thing, honey" and going on his merry way, and then you have to either scrap the whole plan or resort to increasingly pathetic "hey, baby, did you notice anything else in my purse... no, keep looking... it's in the big pocket... under the glasses case, yeah... no, not the phone charger... okay, sheesh, just look at the book... now look at the dog-eared page... no, the other side of the page" maneuvers.

"The guy I was dating was writing a mid-term paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let's bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.
1. This would have turned out awesome if he hadn't noticed.
2. It would also be kind of awesome if she literally wrote "bleep."

Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse... then lean back and tell him to find it.
"And, GYAAHHHH, quickly!"

Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night.
Negotiation, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Here's the thing this is missing: men can have triggers. Not everyone's feelings about being physically restrained are totally comfy and fun, and some people have had some really really bad experiences with being unable to move. If it turns out, for example, that your boyfriend was a survivor of police brutality, it's possible his reaction to being unexpectedly handcuffed won't be entirely boneriffic.

Or maybe it will. Maybe he has no bad associations, or he does but he's fine doing it in a safe and sexy context. You don't know unless you ask. And if you think it's awkward talking about sex, well, frantically apologizing and unlocking and apologizing again is a whole lot more awkward.



There's more. So much more! But if I don't get my three hours of beauty sleep I'll be just a wreck when I literally wreck my car from sleep deprivation. To be continued...