Monday, May 9, 2011

Cosmocking: June '11! Part One!

It's COSMO TIME! Very sunny yellow cover! Cameron Diaz! Showing more side-boob than I've got front-boob! Her, um, I'm gonna go with "garment," is a light blue snakeskin-print sleeveless--in fact entire-side-less--thing that's baffling me why anyone would possibly design such a thing for a human to wear! Oh well, fashion never was my thing! "Cameron Diaz: Why No Man Can Tame This Babe!" SERIOUSLY COSMO IT IS TWO THOUSAND FUCKING ELEVEN AND WE STILL SPEAK IN TERMS OF BEING "TAMED" BY A MAN SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?! "What Men Want Most At 9 p.m.!" I think that might vary depending how 8 p.m. went! "4 Fab New Vibrators!" Holy shit, Cosmo actually said vibrators! Is this progress?! I bet it's not!

Q: I confided in my mom when my guy was being an ass, and now she's not a fan of him. How can I help her get over it?
A: First of all, give her misgivings some thought. Any chance Mom could be right? No? Then change her mind by flooding her head with positive input.

This isn't necessarily terrible advice--if you have a very judgmental mother and a very nice boyfriend it might be just right--but I can't be the only one getting a creepy vibe from it. The line between "don't bias people against him" and "cover for him" can be... thin. If your mom is an important confidant in your life, feeling like you have to tell her that everything is absolutely peachy all the time is a bad, bad sign.

[Cameron Diaz:] "Marriage hasn't been important to me, because I believe we are with who we're supposed to be with when we're supposed to be with them. If I try to lock something down, I'm missing out on all the possibilities of what it could be."
Poorly thought-out Hollywood woo-woo determinism aside, good for her. She's sticking to her beliefs and she's aiming for a happy relationship rather than an "official" one. And yet this was the quote, apparently, that Cosmo decided to headline as "no man can tame this babe."

I could rant here, but I don't even know if that would be funny.

Oh what the hell.

"Taming," seriously, Cosmo, what the fuck? A woman isn't an animal. Marriage isn't ownership and it sure as hell shouldn't be taking control. And it's not just wrong but gross to suggest that a woman who doesn't want to get married is "untamed," like she's a goddamn feral dog or something. What the fucking hell, does it mean that she'll never learn to sit on command or use the litterbox? I can't be "tamed" either, and not because I'm wild or sexy or wink-wink implications of slutty, it's because I'm in control of my own damn life and if I get married I'll be in control of my own damn life. You want to know why no man can tame this babe, Cosmo? BECAUSE SHE'S A HUMAN BEING AND YOU DON'T TAME HUMAN BEINGS.

This all started when I was hired for the job of a lifetime, bartending at a resort halfway around the world. On the first day, after being shown my teeny-tiny shared dorm room, my uptight manager laid down the law. I wasn't allowed to set foot anywhere beyond the ballroom of the resort, and if I was spotted socializing with guests on or off the clock, I'd be fired.
You say "job of a lifetime," I say "human rights violation." You're not allowed to leave your workplace and you're not allowed to socialize with any non-coworkers? That's not a dream job, that's just shy of human trafficking.

(This leads into a mostly uninteresting story about how she slept with a guest and a manager caught her "out of bounds" in the wrong part of the resort and she got in big trouble. I'm endlessly saddened that her response was "tee hee, my bad," and not "I'm unionizing this fucking place.")

There's nothing as sexy as hearing a woman boost herself up, even if she's just saying something as unsexy sounding as "I just owned that parallel-parking job!"
Whoa. Dudes, is this true? I may just be the sexist woman on the planet.

Whoa. Feedback loop.

Usually, all you have to do is stroke a guy here, lick him there, and bam, he's showing off his O-face. A no-brainer.
Wow. Cosmo just made me feel really, really inadequate.

I don't think the idea here is "we think dudes all premature ejaculate," though; I think it's more of a "we think male sexuality is so simple it's a joke." Dudes, right? You touch the hard part and you get the wet part, end of story; meanwhile, women are like complex delicate fuckin' snowflake flowers.

But the latest research shows that a specific method of slow, tantalizing, drawn-out foreplay releases three key hormones in a man's brain--testosterone, dopamine, and oxytocin--that, when amassed together, ultimately trigger an even longer, more electrifying finale.
Aw heck, that's nothing. My foreplay causes guys to release glutamate, GABA, acetylcholine, dopamine, serotonin and N-acetylaspartylglutamic acid. I'm just that good.

Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then send the audio file to him in the middle of the day with just this text: "Want to hear me do this tonight?"
Last time I tried to text Rowdy, I accidentally sent it to my dad. The message was innocuous, so fortunately it was no big deal.

So I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this, just that if you do, make sure you don't hit "most recent contact" without looking.

As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated, like "See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."
That's not X-rated. That's terrifying.

(This particular comment is 500% funnier to those of my readers who have seen how I eat steak kabobs. Grrrr...)

"She looked me up and down and asked, 'So, why are your clothes still on?'"
Man, no fair. When these presumably-fictional Cosmo dudes' girlfriends do this, it's so sexy they go and tell a magazine about it. When I do this, all I ever get is "because I just got home, jeez, at least let me go to the bathroom first!"



Remember when Cosmockings were one-parters? Yeah, those days are long behind us. Imagine a "tickle his balls with your eyebrows" tied to the traintracks right now, as its only hope of rescue, "put your nipples on his feet," dangles from a cliff, because this is... to be continued...

23 comments:

  1. Oh yeah, lick that steak kabob, put it in your mouth, oh---oh no, oh God don't bite down! Never bite down!!

    (Originally said by a dude on Facebook, about a banana.)

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  2. "See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."

    Do Cosmo girls devour meat lustily? I thought Cosmo wanted me to eat mostly leaves and nuts. And when feel like I'm about to faint, a cube of cheese.

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  3. Shock collar and sleep deprivation can tame anything. One time I kept myself up all night while touching an exposed wire over and over, now I do anything I tell me to with only a slight flinch. I'm totally my bitch now. Sometimes I blink "help me" in morse code to any navy personnel I see walking around, but mostly me and myself are very happy together.

    Good Cosmocking, Holly, I fucking love these things.

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  4. Emma - Oh no, women are supposed to eat lustily on dates, to show that you're not uptight and high-maintenance.

    You just have to be skinny anyway. So I guess the only time you're allowed to eat like that is on dates, which probably means you spend the time immediately after dates doubled over with stomach cramps, but such is the price of being "effortlessly" beautiful.

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  5. I wish men were, in general, as easy to get off as I am.

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  6. "...if I was spotted socializing with guests on or off the clock, I'd be fired."

    I thought 50% of being a good bartender was some socialization with customers?

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  7. "She looked me up and down and asked, 'So, why are your clothes still on?'"
    Man, no fair. When these presumably-fictional Cosmo dudes' girlfriends do this, it's so sexy they go and tell a magazine about it. When I do this, all I ever get is "because I just got home, jeez, at least let me go to the bathroom first!"

    ahahahaha, so true.

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  8. Regoddy - I think "socializing" is a euphemism for "screwing" (or possibly "getting drunk with"), but even so, it seems a hardship to be told who you can hang out with off the clock, and a ludicrous hardship to be told that when you're not allowed off the grounds.

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  9. You just have to be skinny anyway. So I guess the only time you're allowed to eat like that is on dates, which probably means you spend the time immediately after dates doubled over with stomach cramps, but such is the price of being "effortlessly" beautiful.

    ...in other news, the Misogynists Movement announced its new "Bulemia -- Keep America(n Women) Beautiful!" mandatory-participation program today...

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  10. Does she happen to mention if this was on a very small island, perhaps with nothing but the resort on it?

    That's about the only logical reason behind not being allowed to leave I can think of. Or, perhaps, if the resort was in some really terrible dictatorship country, known for stoning Americans in the street.

    ------

    That "dress", wow. You'd need double sided tape to wear that thing out in public. It's less of a dress and more of a tabard with a skirt.

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  11. “This all started when I was hired for the job of a lifetime, bartending at a resort halfway around the world. On the first day, after being shown my teeny-tiny shared dorm room, my uptight manager laid down the law. I wasn't allowed to set foot anywhere beyond the ballroom of the resort, and if I was spotted socializing with guests on or off the clock, I'd be fired.”

    If they are going to keep her locked up in a resort/prison then they damn well give her gourmet meals, free bear, and a decent size living space, not a “teeny-tiny shared dorm room”

    Sometimes I wounder if the whole collage dorm thing is more about controlling the students than about economic reasons. I mean wouldn’t the university be able to provide livable spaces off campus and bus the students in. Then the university can use the space on campus for more useful things like parking lots, because I imagine that two parking spots take up less physical space than one dorm room.

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  12. " 1) Women: made to be tamed!

    2) A story from a woman who submitted with a 'tee-hee, my bad' to borderline slavery.

    3) Wow. Cosmo just made me feel really, really inadequate."

    Way to be on-point with the message there, Cosmo.

    V13: College dorms are indeed more cost-efficient than bigger spaces further away, and don't need to be unlivable. And no, two parking spots near class are way, way, less space-efficient than a dorm room near class.

    Think of it this way: how much space is one student using? Half a nearby dorm room, OR a full apartment + a parking space + the road space to get there + whatever parking needed at the apartment? And that's not even counting costs of transit.

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  13. Voldemort13 - A lot of schools want students housed on campus to create a more cohesive "campus culture," and whether that's a good thing (more cooperative studying, stronger bonds formed for the future) or a bad thing (insulation from the real world), it's not really what I'd call "control."

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  14. LOL at "Watch how I sexily devour this thing! Castration is a turn-on, isn't it?"

    I did a comic on that once...

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  15. Eli, I'd find it more entertaining if she had at least some suggestion of a nose. Her noselessness except in profile is distracting.

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  16. Anonymous, the "no nose" thing is actually a fairly common convention in Japanese and Japanese-inspired comics. It's supposed to signal "cuteness," if I'm not mistaken.

    Also, criticizing someone's art in a thread about something else on a third party's blog is kind of a jerk move I think. >:[

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  17. @Holly - you actually may well be the sexiest woman on the planet.

    ...I wouldn't call you sexist, though. Maybe that's a typo?

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  18. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated, like 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

    Whoa, Cosmo! From "tee hee scratching my nails down his back and simply owning a pair of fuzzy handcuffs is soooo kinky" directly to vore fetish? That's quite the ambitious jump, there.

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  19. I lived and worked at a country club once. I wouldn't call it a dream job, but it was pretty good. I got a free room, it was a crappy older room, that was now only used to house help, not guests, but it was livable. My meals cost me &1 to $2 each, only because we had to eat in the staff dining room, and still had a waiter, so we tipped him.
    No, we were not allowed to socialize with the guests, except in the context of out jobs (which leads to a funny story of almost the whole 18-28 yr old staff getting fired..) but it was kinda like Dirty Dancing. We were the help, in order to maintain the appearance of an up scale county club, we were separate.

    Was it annoying, sure. But that was what time job was, we all dealt with it.

    We were allowed to leave the grounds, not that there was much to do, but we were suppose to only have limited access to parts of the club. The manager latex down the rules... We were pretty careful about him not finding out if we broke them.

    Talking to other people who have worked similar places, that seems to be how it goes for most...I just wonder how much she is exaggerating (the teeny tiny room, not allowed to leave at all..)

    I'm not saying it was the best job ever, but we all knew about those rules when we were hired...

    Dorkiewitch

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  20. Thanks Simone for jumping to my defense! People often remark on the lack of noses though, as it happens I even made one about that too. =P I started the comic (not) drawing noses that way, and by now it would feel odd to change the style...

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  21. I've never gotten that stupid dichotomy between supposed male and female sexuality, that women are uber-complicated little flower people and men are just a button you push and they orgasm.

    What are people who aren't on the binary, then? Are they, like, a combo of the two, or something else entirely, like a cheese steak?

    --Rogan, high on post-operative painkillers

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  22. "She looked me up and down and asked, 'So, why are your clothes still on?'"
    Man, no fair. When these presumably-fictional Cosmo dudes' girlfriends do this, it's so sexy they go and tell a magazine about it. When I do this, all I ever get is "because I just got home, jeez, at least let me go to the bathroom first!"
    - this, and this - "I wish men were, in general, as easy to get off as I am."

    Are both SO TRUE for me. >.>

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