Friday, May 13, 2011

Getting into BDSM Part 3: Safety.

[Repost; original post was eaten in Blogger crash.]

BDSM is not, in itself, super mega dangerous. It's like any contact sport--there's always a risk of an accident, so it's good to be prepared, but the risk isn't so high that you should be afraid to try it. And BDSM people are no different than any group of people--most will never harm you unless in a freak accident, a few will harm you through incompetence or pigheadedness, and a very small minority will harm you on purpose.

All this applies to tops and Doms as well as bottoms and subs; you may be at less physical risk, but bad things can still happen. And all this applies to emotional harm as well as physical; if someone makes you cry in the bad way and doesn't try to comfort you, that's "harm" just as much as if they bruised your face.

That said, there are some precautions that will help keep you and your partners safer:

Trust your instincts.
This is the most important thing. If a person seems to have nothing wrong with them that you can put your finger on, but they just give you the willies, the skeevies, and/or the heebie-jeebies--DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM. If a particular activity, invitation, or group of people makes you more nervous than it really ought to--stay away. That crawly feeling on your spine and that sinking feeling in your stomach are the best safety aides you have. They are not wrong. They are not silly. You should not "give that person/activity a chance." Do not doubt your gut.

Don't be afraid to be a picky, stuck-up, arbitrary jerk. "No" requires no explanation and no debate. Play with someone because you want to, not because you can't come up with a good reason not to. If someone asks you "why not?" after a "no," that's a big ol' warning sign in itself.

Don't play in private with strangers.
I'll play with strangers--well, with new friends, at least--in a party with lots of my older friends around. But if I'm on unfamiliar turf, or one-on-one, I need to know someone as a friend before we play. It takes a certain amount of trust, and exactly how much is up to your own judgement, but it's an amount of trust that has to build up with time and getting to know them. If you don't know someone at all, but they're offering some kind of super exciting play or they make you feel super extra submissive/dominant--play with witnesses around or wait 'til you know them better. Better yet, get to know other people who know them as well and get some outside opinions.

In particular, be extra careful about letting someone restrict your movement. Cutting off the option to leave a scene is a serious thing, even with super nice people who seem super serious about your well-being. Don't do it until you feel damn sure that there's no reason you could possibly need to leave.

When playing with someone in private for the first time, it can be a good idea to let a friend know exactly where you'll be and who you'll be with. And more importantly, it can be a good idea to let your partner know that your friend knows.

You don't "have to" do anything.
There's a widely mocked phenomenon in BDSM called the "One True Way" (or "twoo,"if you're being even snarkier.) These are people who have decided that a real Dom or sub does it like this, and if you don't do that, you're not real and just a poser and totally lame and probably not even kinky. These people suck. Mostly they suck because they're just annoying, but sometimes they're outright dangerous.

If someone tells you that you have to play with them, that you have to play a certain way, or that you really ought to have them as a mentor (or God forbid, master) to be a real kinkster or to be accepted in the group--run don't walk. Consent to things because you want to do those things specifically, not because anyone or anything challenged your authenticity or competence, or in any other way made you feel obligated.

Don't play under the influence.
Of anything. If you're a top, you'll be less able to control yourself and judge how your bottom is handling it; if you're a bottom, you'll be less aware of when you're getting hurt. And either way you'll have less judgement as to when something is just a bad idea.

Be knowledgeable about the specific play you engage in.
I don't have the space or expertise to go into detail here, but know that every kind of play, from punching to using complex electrical apparatus, has its own technical rules that you need to learn from someone who knows their shit. This is why I'm a big believer in BDSM communities; I can't tell you on the Internet how to do fire play or suspension bondage or even flogging safely and effectively. These are skills that you have to pick up the old-fashioned way. Take a class, go to a party and watch an experienced person at work, and better yet ask an experienced person if they can teach you. Reading about something or watching a video isn't as good as learning in person, but it's still preferable to just picking up a toy and guessing.

Also, if you're a top, know what it's like on the bottom. Don't flog people without knowing what a flogger feels like; don't stick needles in people without knowing how a needle feels.

Communicate.
Negotiate before a scene what both partners want and do not want to happen, and continue communicating in the scene. The less you've played with someone, the more you need to make an effort to do this. If you're on the bottom, let your partner know how you're doing and what you want and need and don't be shy. Don't let fear of "topping from the bottom" scare you into tolerating play that's not working for you

If you're on top, repeatedly check in with your partner as to whether they're enjoying themselves or starting to tire out or feel unpleasant pain. Dominance doesn't mean being psychic, and it certainly doesn't mean "you'll take what I choose to dish out"--it means that if you order your sub to tell you how they're feeling and how well they're tolerating a particular type of play, they damn well better tell you, huh?

Plan for disasters.
Taking a basic first-aid course, and having a basic first-aid kit around, are always good ideas. (Not even for BDSM. For life.) Any time you put someone in bondage, have a plan for how you could release them in a hurry, whether that means having shears on hand to cut rope or a quick-release link on a chain. Don't tie someone up in such a way that they'd choke or tear any body parts off if they fainted or lost their balance. (That's why I think this [NWS picture!] is a terrible idea.) Remember that a person who faints in bondage must be brought down--if they stay upright they won't get blood to their head and may not wake up.

Remember that the top could suffer some kind of emergency, and don't put the bottom in a situation where they'd be trapped if that happened. This doesn't mean you can't play with bondage one-on-one, but it does mean that the bondage should be "insecure" enough, or a phone close enough, that they could wiggle their way to the phone if they really had to.

Regular safer sex rules still apply.
Duh, right? However much latex you'd use with this person normally, that's how much to use in a BDSM context. Remember that blood is a high-risk body fluid too, and that touching genitals in a not-exactly-sexual way can still get fluids on your hands.

Use a safeword.
I put this way down the list, because I think it gets presented as the be-all end-all of safety sometimes, and it's not. It's no substitute for knowledge, preparation, and trust. Personally, I prefer to agree that "stop" still means "stop" unless we have specifically negotiated a consensual nonconsent scene. But I also have a safeword in place, just in case I have an immediate need to say "STOP" in a totally unambiguous not-even-joking sort of way. That word, as I've said before, is the emergency brake, no questions asked. Whether you're the top or bottom, you don't continue one second after the use of a safeword and you don't even think about whether they "should" have used it. You just stop dead, undo any bondage, hug and comfort the person or leave them the hell alone as they wish, and wait for things to cool down before figuring out what went wrong and whether to go on.



This is deliberately general rather than technical, so I know I missed stuff, but as with all the BDSM education posts, I'm open to suggestions.

20 comments:

  1. I just want to let you know that your BDSM education posts have been enormously helpful to me. Particularly the tip about getting on fetlife. I've met some really cool people, and had some fun times.

    Thanks so much!

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  2. Suppose you are a bystander and notice something that seems genuinely unsafe. How would you point this out?

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  3. Anon - Tell the host of the party or a dungeon monitor/greeter/whatever sort of authority is around.

    I wouldn't interrupt a scene in progress unless it was really really dangerous, like they were tying a slipknot around someone's neck and throwing it over a ceiling beam. If there's any "maybe" at all to it (especially if you're new; it took me a while to realize, for instance, that a limb changing color slightly in bondage is not a disaster), ask someone who seems like an authority rather than interrupting the scene.

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  4. I definitely agree that there should be a safeword in place at all times. I don't do consensual nonconsent, so I thought I didn't need one.

    Long story short, a partner I trusted ignored the words "I'm really uncomfortable right now", which were followed by "no, in a BAD way", which were followed by "no, I don't want to do that". And afterward, when he'd done what he wanted to do and realized I'd just been silently crying the whole time, he asked me why I hadn't said stop.

    So yeah, have a safeword. Because apparently we don't all agree on what indicates a lack of consent.

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  5. Holly, I said this on the post that got eaten, so I'll say it again here, this series has been enormously helpful to me! I've met a number of new people in my local bdsm scene, and started exploring my fetishes and making new friends and it's wonderful and liberating! I've always been interested, but shy and nervous and uncertain how to begin. You've really helped me out.

    Thank you so much! =D

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  6. Safeword Anon - What that partner did was not okay and not explained by the lack of a safeword. Merely engaging in BDSM doesn't mean you're doing nonconsent play; unless specifically agreed otherwise, no still means no.

    A safeword is good, but don't think that was your mistake for not using one. It wasn't.

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  7. Yeah, that's pretty much the opposite of a good person.

    I will say though, that I don't dig the "safeword"...seriously, it's gonna be like me when I think of a password for a new site. "Oh, that's a good password!" Then the next time I visit, I'm there fishing for words and codes I'd probably use for an hour or 3. I think the "STOP" method is perfect for anything that isn't rape play.

    Rambly rambly I be. Good write, Holly. Bro-fist.

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  8. Important note on safewords: make sure your partner doesn't forget what the safeword is. I said 'yellow' when my boyfriend was spanking me, and he forgot it meant "slow down" and just thought I was fucking around with counting the blows (given I had also counted the blows as 'fish' and 'twelve part two', that wasn't an unwarranted assumption). Thankfully he read my body language and slowed down, and was properly apologetic once we'd sorted out the problem later.

    But still! Definitely a concern.

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  9. Ozy - Miscommunication aside, when people have the kind of spanking session that includes "fish" and "twelve part two," it makes me smile.

    I also find that simply yelling "SAFEWORD!" itself ought to suffice in an emergency.

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  10. I've been very interested in hearing you talk about kink because you clearly do it with more... awareness/seriousness than I do. My past two partners and I just sort of slipped into kink (with communication) early on in the relationship, and I didn't know them *all* that well before we were letting ourselves get tied up by the other. We also never went to any public play parties and just sort of were like "hey, you think it'd be fun to have me tie you up and hit you with this?" on our own. I'm now getting into a dating situation with someone with whom we also on the first date did some kink stuff, but after having read your post I was more aware of how I was taking a risk letting a relative stranger do things that could permanently harm me.

    I guess I'm just saying, does your vision of kink/BDSM allow for those of us who have always known we wanted to tie up/be tied by someone else, or that we always wanted to hit/be hit by someone else, but perhaps are a little less social and as such just tend to cultivate relationships that involve BDSM in them, rather than seek out community?

    I do believe that the way you've gone about it is safer and perhaps better, I just know my own reluctance at socializing gets in the way of it.

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  11. hey, new to comments, hi :) I've found that, in a long term relationship, establishing one safe-word that is in place any time there is non-consent play (which we do a lot) is helpful. Then, no one has to try to remember a new one. We always refresh on what our safe-word is before each time though

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  12. Mistress Mattise wrote that the words "nausea" and "lawsuit" work very well as safewords. Short, memorable and attention-getting!

    Signed, another Anon.

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  13. Although you are posting these as principles for BDSM play, they seem to me like excellent guidelines for life in general!

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  14. Good Call Holly, I have the agreement with ALL my playmates, Safeword is the universal safeword. I do remember yelling "Stand Down Damnit" when a flogging was veering to extreme painville rather than entering sub-space.

    Very bad combination of sunburn and flogging.
    Mistress wanted to make 100 lashes so bad.

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  15. @John B -- "Stand Down Damnit" makes me smile.

    My very first safeword was "I think THAT will be quite enough of THAT!" It was during my first scene, and my playpartner had asked if I wanted to feel a cane, and I lasted about two strokes before deciding that no, this wasn't for me.

    To be fair, by the time I got to my second scene, I really wanted to try it again, and now I love canes and cane-like implements (with sufficient warm-up).

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  16. Also, if you're a top, know what it's like on the bottom. Don't flog people without knowing what a flogger feels like; don't stick needles in people without knowing how a needle feels.

    What if you're a top with a very low pain tolerance?

    Example: there's a friend of mine who is quite masochistic. There are things that he likes that, if done to me, would probably cause me to punch the inflictor in the mouth and storm out of the room - but he enjoys it. On the few occasions when we've played, I enjoy hurting him (partly because I just, well, enjoy it, but mostly because I love seeing how much he loves it), but I don't pretend for a minute to understand what he likes about it or how it feels to him. I don't want to experience it myself; one, because I know I'd hate it, but two, because I know what I'm experiencing isn't what he is. I'm a wuss and hate pain, personally; I would never want to make someone else feel what I feel when I'm in pain. But if someone tells me that they enjoy it, who am I to argue?

    On safewords: on the few occasions when I've been a sub, I've joked that my most reliable safeword is "Quit it, asshole!" (This... is why I'm rarely a sub, and only with people with a robust sense of humor...)

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  17. Mary - You certainly don't have to do things to the same degree as a masochist, but I think it's a good idea to at least get a feel for how they work. Like, I don't think you have to take a full beating, but you should know how a fist feels different from an open hand and at what speeds it causes different amounts and types of pain.

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  18. Is it OK if I take a moment to say how much I hate the term "consensual nonconsent"? It gives the impression that consent, as such, is a flimsy enough concept that you can "consent" to give it up, and it doesn't help that there are people who actually believe that (both in the fringes of BDSM and in general society) and interpret the phrase that way.

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  19. Posts like these make me feel so much better. I have an experienced Dom friend who once tied me up and beat me without negotiating any consent, he pushed me way past my limits and now mocks me for my low pain tolerance.

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