Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Cosmocking: July '11!

Pinkish-purplish cover! Fun fact: unlike all the "rainbow" colors, this color does not exist as a pure wavelength of light, and can only be produced by a combination of wavelengths! Rihanna! Boob tube and like eight pounds of jewelry! "His 6 Secret Sex Spots!" The penis is not that big a secret, Cosmo! "What Men Crave In July!" I don't even whatever okay! "Your Breast Myths--Busted! #1: The Boobgasm Does Exist!" Unclear if they're calling that a myth or not! I mean, I've had some myself, but that never seems to matter in this sort of thing!

One of the ads in this issue comes with a free pantyliner. Huh.

Women's paraphernalia is so revealing--the book she's reading or if she's carrying a bright pink phone. I can tell a lot by the color of her phone, actually!
What you can tell about me from the color of my phone is that I'm clumsy. I drop things, I break things, and because my phone is expensive, I sprang for a mega-resilient everything-proof impact case, which I could only find in black. Read "black means sophistication and thoughtfulness" or whatever into that.

My point isn't that I'm special. My point is that everyone's special. Everyone comes with particular circumstances and backstory that you simply can't read from superficial things. Everyone got their phone color--and a whole lot of other supposedly defining traits--for some idiosyncratic reason with a story behind it.

A girl who can handle a strong drink is attractive. She doesn't have to be slugging a Guinness, but if she comes in and orders a martini, I know I'm going to like her.
I did the tough-guy-drink thing for a while. I'd go for the darkest, strongest, bitterest thing around just to prove that I wasn't some weak little girl. Then I realized that I actually enjoy sweet fruity drinks. Not enjoy like "I'm too weak to stand up under the brutal taste assault of a real drink," but enjoy like "this makes my mouth happier."

So these days, if I want to prove that I can "handle" shit, I order a strawberry margarita and punch myself in the chest a couple times.

In a recent survey, 16 percent of women said they'd trade a year of their life for the perfect bod.
You think I'm going to mock the shallowness, but actually, I'd do this. I'd happily settle for living to 79 instead of 80 if I could have a body that was capable of running without getting winded, climbing without tiring, doing acrobatics without falling, dancing without getting completely discombobulated. Having a body of exceptional ability would easily be worth a year of my life.

Don't give much of a shit what it looks like, though.

We stopped at the food court for lunch and found a table by the entrance. At one point, I looked up and saw my ex walk in. I was feeling good, so I figured I'd say "hey" to show him what he was missing.
This is just part of a long boring story, but it jumped out at me as exceptionally nasty and bitter. I know I come from a different place culturally than Cosmo, but when I say "hey" to an ex it usually means "hey, we're still two people who have things in common and a shared history, and I still care about you as a friend, so how's it going?"

Rowdy has a theory that this "it's normal and funny to despise all exes" attitude comes from a particularly limited view of monogamy, in which it isn't enough to only love one person--you have to only love one person ever. In order to maintain retroactive monogamy, you must declare that all previous relationships were false loves, and thus despicable.

My own theory is different. My theory is that a breakup hurts, so (if you're a little perspective-deficient) you see the person who broke up with you as an attacker causing you pain. Never mind that the only way to avoid this pain is to date one person your entire life--they're still a jerkface for making you unhappy, and concepts of "painful for him too" or "painful but necessary" don't enter into it.

News Flash: Guys Crave More TLC in July
I don't even whatever okay.

Actually, the content of this cites a study saying that people are more likely to be depressed in the summer, then decides that "people" means "men" and "summer" means "July" and "depression" means "kinda bummed," in which case this makes perfect sense! Also, the way to treat a guy in July is to baby him and cater to him and act like you have no needs of your own, but you already knew that.

So, what are His 6 Secret Sex Spots? Why, they're...
1. The shaft of his penis
2. His testicles
3. The base of his penis
4. The head of his penis
5. His perineum

Math is hard.

But, see, this is why I want to be a paid "sexpert" someday. I'm going to tell people that I have the mystic secret of male arousal, tell them "it's his penis," and get taken seriously.

On why you shouldn't talk about dieting with your husband (but you should diet):
Men want hot spouses but don't want to hear that happens.
Yeah, and I want a guy who'll use a vibrator on me for three hours and then go to sleep. Too bad that when you have relationships with people who have lives and needs of their own, you sometimes have to be bothered with their stupid ol' humanity.

There's a whole article on wacky ER stories. Oh boy...
I'll never forget the time the medics brought a couple into the ER, naked and still stuck in the missionary position, with a blanket over them. The guy was wearing a necklace, and they must have been going at it vigorously because the necklace had swung into the woman's eye and become stuck.
And nobody thought to cut the necklace? They hauled two naked people into the ER in a sex position because of an eye injury?

...Okay, I know medics who might do that, but still.

A 26-year-old woman came into the ER because she had lacerated her vagina. She was bleeding quite a bit and required stitches. Turns out, she had a vaginal piercing that had gotten caught on her boyfriend's ring during sex. He didn't realize it, so when he pulled his hand away, the piercing tore out.
Your use of fancy words like "lacerated" is betrayed by your inability to realize which part is the vagina.

Hint: it's the internal muscular tube that--unlike the clitoral hood and labia--is never cosmetically pierced. It is not a general term for "you know, the down-therey bits." (Arguably a Princess Albertina piercing does go through the vagina, but that's pretty exotic. 99 to 1 the author just didn't realize that a real ER nurse or doctor would know what a goddamn vagina is.)

This woman had a broken ankle, and her husband carried her into the ER. When I asked what had happened, she said she slipped in the shower. I knew it had to be something else--she was blushing like crazy and had several oddly placed bruises on her body--so I asked her one more time. She admitted that she and her husband had been doing it doggie-style at the top of the stairs, and he thrust so hard that she fell down the whole flight, bumping her knees and elbows and breaking her ankle.
This one is weird, because I was on a call just like this one early in my career. We had a woman with a lot of bruises who claimed she'd slipped in the shower. Things didn't add up, so we pressed, and she told us she'd really gotten hurt during standing sex when her boyfriend dropped her.

...Course it turned out he'd actually beaten the shit out of her.

I'm not saying that's the case here. I'm just saying that injured woman + overprotective husband (and you'll really think I'm paranoid now, but it is an overprotective thing to carry someone in as opposed to just supporting them on the injured side and helping them hop to a wheelchair) + lies + ridiculous story that makes no sense = Very High Index Of Suspicion.

Play Sexy Slang. This is Cosmo's new favorite game--it's a mixture of charades and Pictionary... but with way racier terms. How would you draw "manscaping?"
I would draw it like (NWS) this.

72 comments:

  1. In a recent survey, 16 percent of women said they'd trade a year of their life for the perfect bod.

    Only 16%? Betcha they didn't ask any chronic pain or disabled persons. I would trade 20 years of my life for a body that wasn't always in pain. Dying at 59 instead of 79, but I get to spend the remaining 24 years pain free? Where do I sign? Seriously, GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEN!!

    ahem. And, I wouldn't give a shit what that body looked like. Barely 5' tall and 500 lbs? Fine. So long as the pain is gone.

    *goes back to read rest of cosmocking*

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  2. Is Cosmo too prudish to print the classic sexy ER urban legends about people getting things stuck up their butts?

    Hey! I went to the cosmo website to see if I could find the whole wacky ER story, and they have an article about the slutwalks!

    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/tips/slut-walks-in-cities-around-world?click=cos_new

    And they were totally mature about it! I actually scrolled back up after reading to make sure I was still on the Cosmo website!

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  3. TOUCH HIM ON THE PENIS!

    Also what guy wouldn't want flowers over his penis?

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  4. Emma - Actually, they had one of those, but except for the inevitable "a guy had something up his butt, haw haw haw" attitude, it wasn't that interesting.

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  5. Good to see they're covering all the bases in made-up sex mishap stories. These just seem extra made-up. Was that last couple just having sex in their hallway, right up at the edge of the stairs, and just... watching the stairwell? I'm trying to picture how and why you would do that. I would be suspicious hearing that in real life too, but luckily I think some cosmo writer just made it up so they could have someone fall down stairs from sex, not because any real person is actually being abused.

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  6. Sexy slang sounds like a great party game!

    We should play sometime. With more zombie movies. You get bonus points if you manage to do it all while acting like a zombie.

    --Mac

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  7. God, Holly, when you said all the secret spots were on the dick, I thought you were JOKING...

    *cries*

    --Rogan

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  8. "Actually, they had one of those, but except for the inevitable 'a guy had something up his butt, haw haw haw' attitude, it wasn't that interesting."

    I guess that explains why the prostate got no love in their "secret sex spots" list.

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  9. Mac - I thought about a zombie penis and I would like to stop thinking about it now.

    Molly Ren - They mentioned the prostate, but only as something accessible through the perineum. The idea of taking a more direct route is clearly unthinkable.

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  10. I drink Guinness (when I can afford it) because I...like Guinness? Is that allowed?

    Something I keep seeing in Cosmo is the notion that a woman who acts all into sports and beer and cars and rock music is hot, but for God's sake don't actually be interested in these things.

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  11. Since when is Guinness a strong drink? Sure it's bitter, but it's actually pretty light on the alcohol. It's what I drink when I want to slow down.

    ...I realize that wasn't the point.

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  12. Touch him on the penis?!

    Cosmo! You have saved my marriage! I did not know that! *sound of husband laughing wildly in the background*

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  13. What if your favorite drinks are...straight whiskeys? (Good ones--not like Jim Beam, more like Crown Reserve) Not for the image but because you like them? I don't like "girly" drinks because they're too sweet, and beer has universally tasted (to me) like you could pour it back into the horse and leave the world a better place. Strangely enough, that seems to intimidate a lot of the younger guys (I teach college, and my football players all think I'm tougher than them because of how I drink).

    A year of my life for a body that doesn't crap out at the knees, hips and ankles? One where I can run, jump, get into martial arts? Too good to be true.

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  14. I thought about a zombie penis and I would like to stop thinking about it now.

    Not one, but TWO zombie penises (I suppose calling the first one a zombie penis might be kind of a stretch, but hey). The second, smaller video below the first -- vs. the rat -- is SO much better:

    http://io9.com/5721706/the-second-greatest-zombie-penis-scene-of-all-time-maybe-nsfw

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  15. I'm not saying that strong un-sweet drinks are bad, just that you should drink them because you like them, not because you want to be seen drinking them.

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  16. Re: Holly

    DETACHABLE PENIS! 8D

    --Mac

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  17. Also, I can't get Ro to drink much at all. He says all beer "tastes like PIIIIIISS," hates the taste of alcohol.

    We're pretty much stuck with Bailey's cut with milk or ice cream until I figure out what won't make him make horrible faces.

    Good thing I like Bailey's.

    --Mac

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  18. Whyyy Mac, whyyy with the disturbing images? xD

    Those sex spots are not very secret. Actually, they are pretty, um. Obvious. Also 5 is not 6, whut.

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  19. @Ginny
    THANK YOU, I was just going to say that. Guinness has the same amount of alcohol as a standard beer. It's just dark. And delicious.

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  20. @Holly

    No, I know you weren't, it's just...there seems to be this idea among some people that women ought to act interested in certain things just to get a guy interested in them, and not because they're actually interested in those things. If that makes any sense.

    I think it's a subset of the larger phenomenon where getting a man is the absolute priority of every woman's life, though, so. *shrug*

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  21. Hershele OstropolerJune 7, 2011 at 4:30 PM

    What you can tell about me from the color of my phone is that I'm clumsy. I drop things, I break things, and because my phone is expensive, I sprang for a mega-resilient everything-proof impact case, which I could only find in black. Read "black means sophistication and thoughtfulness" or whatever into that.

    My cellphone came with two or three interchangeable backs (and I can buy still others). I picked the black one due to essentialism -- I'm used to phones being black, because they were when I first became aware of them, because I'm 32 years old and get off my lawn.

    Also, it was the only one not hideous. By now I've lost the other(s) anyway.

    Also, the way to treat a guy in July is to baby him and cater to him and act like you have no needs of your own, but you already knew that.

    How is that different from August through June?

    Mac: Bailey's + chocolate syrup + seltzer + optional milk = egg cream for grown-ups.

    But I'm from Brooklyn.

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  22. RE: K. Raila

    I can't help it, they come out of nowhere!

    RE: Hershele Ostropoler

    Oh man, that sounds good. We've added the milk and chocolate syrup before, never tried seltzer...

    --Mac

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  23. -My old phone was pink because my ex-girlfriend had a thing for seeing me in pink (or anything else cutesy) when she was on top and I liked playing up the innocent little kitten image for her. Is that in Cosmo?

    -I have a serious fear of death but, hell, I would trade a year of my life for even just having a perfect-looking body. My weight has yo-yoed over the years and as much as I believe any body can be beautiful? The amount of crap you deal with when your weight shifts just isn't worth it for me. You get judged so much differently when you do the same thing at two different weights, and I just don't have the strength to cope.

    -I was hoping men would crave popsicles in July :(

    -Men want hot spouses but don't want to hear that happens. Fuck you Cosmo fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

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  24. I like how they've created a hierarchy of manly beverages, where somehow Guinness is way too manly for a woman to touch, but martinis are not. Is it because martinis come in a dainty glass with little garnishes, rather than a bottle or pint glass? Or because beer is, like, totally for lesbians or something? The mysteries of Cosmo.

    Also, I love Guinness (and any dark, strong-tasting beer, for that matter) and hate martinis. Take that!

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  25. What you can tell from the color of my phone was that I was all "fuck it, just pick one" and then spent fifteen minutes bitching about new technology and now I won't know where anything is.

    I don't drink. I actually have rather a phobia of mind-altering substances. I wonder where I fall in Cosmo's system.

    How the hell do you expect to lose weight without your partner's support, Cosmo?

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  26. "So these days, if I want to prove that I can "handle" shit, I order a strawberry margarita and punch myself in the chest a couple times."

    As a woman who likes most kinds of drinks, from the fruitiest, "girliest" drink you can imagine to straight shots, and is starting to like some beers, I think this is one of my new favorite sentences.

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  27. The manscaping picture literally made me laugh out loud. XD

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  28. I'm going to tell people that I have the mystic secret of male arousal, tell them "it's his penis," and get taken seriously.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI

    Also on the topic of Cosmo. :-D

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  29. I just got so excited that there was a new Cosmocking that I nearly fell of my chair at work. True story.

    I saw the story about Slutwalk in Cosmo here in Australia, I wonder if they just copied and pasted it.

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  30. Regarding "manscaping": does anyone know if there's a dirty version of Pictionary on the market? There should be...

    Mac: Ok, maybe it's just me, but detachable penises sound like a fabulous idea. It wouldn't be long before they'd be commercially available (capitalism being what it is) and that would lead to the possibility of owning a variety of different shapes, sizes and colours and selecting the best for each and every special occasion. How can life be complete without the option to purchase a sparkly rainbow dick?

    ...on reflection, though, it's almost certainly just me.

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  31. Minuteye - It's easy enough to make your own cards. Honestly, paying money for Pictionary is a little silly.

    There are, in fact, a wide variety of detachable penises in all colors and sizes on the market right now! Unfortunately they don't come with nerves, though.

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  32. Given what people actually do trade years of their lives for, 16% is quite reasonable.

    Statistically, plenty of people (myself included) probably trade a year of life for delicious food and laziness regarding exercise. Is my desire for pizza any shallower than someone's desire for beauty?

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  33. Detachable Penis - King Missile song

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4

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  34. I have a different theory about hating exes than either of the ones presented here (well, actually I figure each of those theories probably applies to some people...).

    A lot of people just...don't pick good partners to start with. I mean, when I was younger, if I hit on a guy and he said he already had a girlfriend, it would not even have occurred to me to hang out with him anyway as friends. I didn't like him in a "friend" way, I liked him in a romantic way, and if I couldn't date or fuck him then there was no point in interacting with him.

    So, since most of my relationships back then had no friendship component going in, there was no friendship to carry on afterward, either. We weren't dating or fucking each other, and therefore we were useless to each other.

    Just to be clear, this is not about me being attracted to assholes; this is about me (and my partners!) naively thinking that attraction-plus-banter makes a good foundation for a relationship. I set the bar higher now. :)

    p.s....in CosmoLand, men and women are encouraged to regard each other as alien life forms, so their relationships probably don't have genuine friendship and intimacy, and therefore Cosmo readers are more likely to be petty toward their exes.

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  35. Holly: Indeed, I should have specified that nerves are key to the novelty of the idea. Also, being able to take off an existing penis (if one were thus-bodied) might make wearing a strap-on harness a bit more comfortable (at least, that's what I would imagine, experience in this arena is limited).

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  36. They actually do make strap-on harnesses tailored to be comfortable for people with bio-penises.

    The world is just awesome.

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  37. Only 16%? Betcha they didn't ask any chronic pain or disabled persons. I would trade 20 years of my life for a body that wasn't always in pain. Dying at 59 instead of 79, but I get to spend the remaining 24 years pain free? Where do I sign? Seriously, GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEN!!

    I'm not a woman, but fuck yes. I've had dreams about being a full conversion cyborg, because then I wouldn't hurt anymore.

    After 25 years of constant pain, suicide as an escape route becomes not exactly a huge deal to contemplate anymore. So the thought of signing off what tend to be the shittiest 20 years of life anyway in order to skip that... well, it's not exactly a huge fucking sacrifice here. My grandparents all hit 85. So, living the next 30 years without this agony, knowing that was the end at 65? Jesus fucking christ is this even a question?

    Also, yes, Guiness is "manly strong drink"? I drank 16 pints of that one evening. It's more like liquid bread than highly alcoholic. The biggest issue wasn't alcohol poisoning, it was figuring out where to put all that volume.

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  38. Does Cosmo hire some really high maintenance guys? 'Cause half the time I just have to look in a lusty way at my man and he's trying to drag me into the bedroom.

    Also, on being a 'hot spouse', just looking like I'm going to go exercise leads to someone following me around and taking part, even when it's with Jillian Michaels (seriously.) on dvd.

    Maybe I'm just dating a man who doesn't care about being manly when we're alone.

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  39. RE: minuteye

    Okay, I need some body glitter and body paint, stat. My life is not complete until I have a rainbow sparkly penis, even if I know I won't be getting laid that night...

    --Mac

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  40. @Ozymandias loosing weight is not the goal for Cosmo. Constant dieting (and feeling like shit 'cause you're either hungry all the time or you're having a yo-yo) is. Keeping women in constant state of insecurity is what keeps the advert money coming and the readership high.

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  41. Cosmo subscribes to the idea that every woman everywhere wants to lose weight. But watch out for eating disorders!

    And if by some miracle you are at the perfect weight, you must be EVER VIGILANT. Because your perfect weight is by definition somewhere well below your natural set point, and you can only maintain it by constant diet and exercise.

    However, you can't acknowledge that, because then you'd be acknowledging that diets don't work and it's only a lifestyle change that will keep weight off (and even that often doesn't work)... and acknowledging that would undermine the Diet Industry. The Diet Industrial Complex.

    Can't have that.

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  42. @caitlin...
    "somehow Guinness is way too manly for a woman to touch, but martinis are not. Is it because martinis come in a dainty glass with little garnishes, rather than a bottle or pint glass?"

    I think martinis have been redefined as no longer having anything to do with gin or vermouth; around here, there are "martinis" made out of any sweet odd thing you can fit in a tiny glass. Orange vodka and Tia Maria with a dusting of cocoa on the rim...

    flightless

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  43. First thing I thought of re: the "I like a woman who can hold her liquor" part: y'know who's better at that, on average? Fat chicks (and heavier/bigger people in general). Also early-stage alcoholics, I guess.

    So Cosmo guys want a woman who's thin without ever seeming to try, and holds her liquor like someone fifty pounds heavier. And doesn't ever communicate her feelings.

    Cosmo guys should date cyborgs.

    And the "vagina piercing" story made me picture a guiche (taint) piercing that ripped upward...but sadly, Holly's right, it's more likely that it's a hood piercing and Cosmo got the various parts of a lady's hooha mixed up.

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  44. Hershele OstropolerJune 8, 2011 at 11:23 AM

    Does Cosmo hire some really high maintenance guys? 'Cause half the time I just have to look in a lusty way at my man and he's trying to drag me into the bedroom.

    According to Cosmo, men always want sex all the time with any person or thing even vaguely female and if a woman doesn't look and act absolutely perfect no man will want her.

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  45. PC: All Cosmo guys want Summer Glau?

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  46. I will never understand why Guinness is the definition of a "manly" drink. It's a rather smooth beer, all around. Sure it can be bitter, more so if not poured correctly, but it's not really that horrible. Or are women only supposed drink MGD 64 (gotta watch those calories, girls)? Also, what kind of martini? A traditional gin martini? Would vodka be okay? Or are you okay with a cocktail martini, as long as it's in a martini glass? Yes, I got stuck on this point, but as a female who enjoys both sweet and bitter drinks, as well as straight alcohol this stereotype annoys me.

    Didn't you know, Holly, that the vagina is anywhere between the knees and the belly button? It's such a secret special spot nobody's really looked at it or given all the different parts names. That would just be crazy.

    I would trade a year of my life to fix my feet, knees and hips and shoulders, be able to run and see things without a bunch of white lights everywhere. At this point I don't care if I would look the same.

    Also, even before I got to your commentary on the story of the man carrying the woman in I felt wrong about it. Everything about it sets off alarms in my head.

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  47. RE: perversecowgirl

    Congratulations. Describing that piercing and ripping made EVERYONE here make the same horrified face, cross their legs, and shriek.

    Good job on getting unanimous system response.

    --Rogan

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  48. Rogan: Hooray! People are paying attention to me! [/Zoidberg]

    Ozy: I got all confused thinking you meant Summer Glau the actress. Then I remembered that she's in some Terminator thingy that I've never seen and realized you were probably referring to that. :D

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  49. Things I would happily give a year of my life for:
    --A guarantee of never getting Alzheimer's, brain cancer or any other degenerative brain disease.
    --The ability to fly.
    --The ability to have my body magically shift to match what my brain thinks it ought to look like at any given point, which will involve a lot of genderswapping.
    --The ability to have everyone I want to have sex with want to have sex with me back, and no one gets jealous about this or has STDs. Also, I'm infertile.
    --The magic ability to not put off things I want to do in favor of wasting time on the Net.

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  50. I laughed out loud at the part in the cover interview where they declared that Rihanna is "tough"- because she has many tattoos, has a song about S&M, and wears leather.

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  51. Actually I know someone who pierced his cervix (he is a trans guy). Saying this I realize I dont know if cervix counts as vagina. But I love how Interesting and weird the world is.

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  52. http://news.bmezine.com/2007/07/11/cervical-piercing-wow/ and there is a link

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  53. OHMAIGAWD! I can't believe Lauren & I failed to miss the lack of a #6 in this month's issue of Cosmocking, which we held sitting in the isle of a CVS for like an hour getting glared at by an employee. But, we had fun.

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  54. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  55. Anon, you know DAMN WELL why your comment was deleted. Fucking hell, people.

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  56. Chiming in to echo the Guinness confusion. Sure, it's dark colored, but it doesn't taste bitter at all to me. The bitterest, highest-alcohol beers are usually pale ales, aren't they?

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  57. @anonymous 3:08PM

    That's always been my impression. I've had some fairly bitter porters, but stouts aren't bitter in general (in my experience).

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  58. RE: cheshbitten

    *crosses legs with a whimper* Some people are built to withstand things I can't even fathom.

    People have pierced EVERYTHING.

    --Rogan

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  59. you are HILARIOUS. I take you are also in the medical profession (you mentioned being "on call)?

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  60. Melina - Thanks! And yep, I work (part-time these days, tsk tsk lazy Holly) as secretary and technician at an emergency room.

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  61. Holly, you might find this Slate article interesting, since it's directly related to Cosmocking. Who imagined that they actually CHECKED FACTS!!

    Orgasm Guaranteed: What I learned while freelancing at Cosmopolitan.

    http://www.slate.com/id/2294870/pagenum/all/#p2

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  62. Anon - Fascinating stuff, but you'd think with all that extensive checking and researching, they'd know how to count to six.

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  63. Wouldn't a perfect body be immortal?

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  64. Based on critiques I've read of certain romances, I find Rowdy's theory very plausible.

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  65. There are three kinds of people; the ones that can count, and those that can't.

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  66. Mac, Re: Alcohol

    this is something Rogan might be able to stand, and is pretty easy to make if you have access to organic/biological pest control strawberries and some patience. Be warned though- it tastes like liquid candy and has a very strong kick(40% alcohol or so). That's the only thing my SO, who couldn't stand alcohol, was willing to drink up to about a year ago.

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  67. An article on Slate about being a Cosmo fact-checker; http://www.slate.com/id/2294870/pagenum/all/#p2


    I read Cosmo and related magazines religiously for about a year when I was 14. At first I thought I'd stumbled on a treasure trove of knowledge that I otherwise could only access by googling* dirty words on my parents computer.

    a year and a plethora of magazines later, I remember lining up a few of them, all new issues for the month. And looking at the article headlines on the cover...they were all exactly the same. Not just the #654653 Sexy Tips articles, but the more specific "culture" or "opinion" pieces too...not to mention the diet articles. I also, in that moment, realized that all of those magazines had essentially printed those articles already in earlier issues, with different wording but effectively the same content.

    And thus my brief love affair with Girl Magazines ended at the old age of 15. It was probably the best choice for my (then future) sex life.

    *Can't remember if Google existed/I used it back then - it was probably some other search engine. Still, nifty verb.

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  68. Also, the way to treat a guy in July is to baby him and cater to him and act like you have no needs of your own, but you already knew that.

    ************

    While it is nice to know that someone cares for you when you're feeling down (or when you're, y'know, clinically depressed, not that Cosmo seems to understand the difference), the "woman as long-suffering caregiver to giant man-baby" model is not really how that should work. As far I'm concerned, people are supposed to care for each other, regardless of what kind of genitalia they possess. And despite what Cosmo seems to think of my gender, I'm enough of a fucking grown-up to understand that.

    Also, forgive me if I'm getting slightly off-topic here, but this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder exactly where the "Feminism fails to address the concerns of men." idea is coming from. It may be true of some people who call themselves feminists, but many of my personal concerns about sexism directed towards men are (directly or indirectly) addressed on a regular basis on this very blog. Your take on the infantilizing attitude toward men expressed by Cosmo (and many others) is an excellent example of this.

    Speaking for myself at least, I can say that your efforts are greatly appreciated.

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  69. Hershele OstropolerJune 13, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    Also, forgive me if I'm getting slightly off-topic here, but this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder exactly where the "Feminism fails to address the concerns of men." idea is coming from.

    Because if a (non-feminist) man objects to something a feminist (woman) says she wants, she ... keeps wanting it! Imagine! And a man objected and everything!

    (Moreover, feminism doesn't intentionally address the concerns of me, but that's really not what it's for anyway; people who complain about this think feminism should be about men because they think everything should be about men.)

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  70. Hershele OstropolerJune 14, 2011 at 9:19 PM

    of men*

    And therefore of me, I guess.

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  71. Hm. I think you pretty much nailed it, actually. Well said.

    (@ Hershele)

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  72. I'm REALLY late to the party here, but I read this: "In a recent survey, 16 percent of women said they'd trade a year of their life for the perfect bod" as "trade a year of their life for the perfect food" and I was like "Yeah, I'd probably do that."

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