2005: I have sex with a guy, and it's miserably futile; try as I might, I just can't get him off. I keep going, sinking into desperation as my vagina gets sore so I use my mouth, and I start gagging so I use my hand, and my hand makes him sore so eventually he just tells me to give it a goddamn rest already. I sit around awkwardly, feeling like a useless failure, as he jerks himself off. He doesn't particularly enjoy it but just does it for relief. I wonder if I'll ever have the sexual skills to get a guy off properly, inside me and under my power.
2011: I have sex with a guy, and he doesn't come during the penis-in-vagina part of the sex. We separate when we get to a good ending point and I hold him and make out with him while he jerks himself off. I whisper in his ear how hot it is to feel his muscles tense as he pleasures himself. And I'm not kidding; I start masturbating along with him and then slip the fingers of his free hand into my pussy. The feeling of my muscles clenching around his fingers sends him over the edge and he comes explosively. We fall asleep entwined, satisfied.
Having mechanically perfect sex with your bodies in perfect unison is overrated. Knowing how to have good sex anyway, how to create an experience that's sexy and sweet even when someone has a limp dick or dry pussy or trick hip, is tragically underrated.
still working on it. i have been known to start actually crying when i can't get someone off with my mouth. biggest mood killer ever -.-
ReplyDeleteUm, that is kind of... Incredibly hot.
ReplyDeleteSo there's that.
Gabrielle - A lot of people just don't get off in particular ways, and it has nothing to do with you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's also important to think about how much pleasure you're giving with your mouth, whether it leads to a climax or not. If someone feels great but doesn't come... they felt great, and that's no small thing.
The damned trick hip gets me EVERY TIME. I hate being geriatric (at only 23 years old, even).
ReplyDelete...Dude.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. <3
I just had a somewhat depressing session with my boyfriend, and really needed this. We hadn't been able to be together in ages, and while our minds were racing, our bodies had decided that NOPE, NO SUCCESSFUL BONING FOR YOU.
Sessions like that, and being really, really new to penetrative sex (like... fifth time? maybe?) ends up tinging our time together with a lot of frustration and disappointment.
I'll do what I can to keep this in mind from now on.
holly - rereading that i realized i worded it a bit weird. i don't mean failing to get someone off the way i planned is the biggest mood killer ever, i mean my crying because i can't take it well is. i know it's a personal hangup and i'm working on it. i need to print this post out and tape it to my wall or something x.x
ReplyDeleteOh hell yeah. What a wonderful post. This kind of message should be a mandatory part of sex ed everywhere; it would prevent so much unhappiness and mutual blaming and frustration and promote so much joy and fun.
ReplyDeleteAside to Gabrielle: In some cases, guys will not be able to come if they do not actively thrust. So instead of you moving up and down on him, towards the end, if your gag reflex can handle it, you can try switching to him, well... there's no ladylike way to put this... fucking your face. Harsher on your throat, and he'll have to make sure you can still get enough air between thrusts, but on the upside it'll be easier on your neck muscles! Works miracles in some cases.
(disclaimer: this is only true in some cases. Some guys will simply never come from oral, or not that day, or such.)
Thank you Holly - another great post!
ReplyDeleteI've found it takes time to master techniques and work out what someone wants - sometimes ages - and everyone is so different. The right attitude is also important - and this may take longer to learn than the actual skill!
A lot of people just give up on sex as they get older and parts don't work, which is a great pity when a bit of creative thinking could be applied.
I still feel a bit guilty when I can't get one of my guys off, but I'm working on that. Chris always tells me it's fine, and generally if I've gotten to that point with Rob we're both too exhausted to move anymore. XD Is hard to overcome some of those gender stereotypes though - generally guys are seen as so SIMPLE, if you can't get one of THOSE off you must be a FAILURE. Whereas in my relationship with Chris, I am the one who requires less foreplay, am easier to get off, and the one who wants sex more. I'm working on getting the idea out of my head that I'm doing something "wrong" for my gender, but can be tough going - especially for a woman born and raised in the South.
ReplyDeleteSydnii - I used to have really weak hips (which interfered nastily with sex), and then I took a job where I walked all day, and that fixed them. I don't know your situation, but in my case exercise did a lot to build muscle to hold them in place.
ReplyDeleteYes! Exactly! My boyfriend still beats himself up about the time a couple weeks ago in which he got soft during intercourse. But my reaction was "...so? You got me off with your fingers and then we snuggled. There was nothing wrong with this."
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend and I are mostly unable to get each other off (he has insanely complicated ways he needs things done; I'm actually pretty fast and easy to get off but his hands and mouth tire easily).
ReplyDeleteIntercourse gets him (but not me) off, but other stuff...not so much. So we do a lot of wanking. And y'know what? It's really not as much of a consolation prize as you'd think. We've become champion fluffers/cheerleaders/dirty talkers/heavy breathers/sexy dancers for each other. Getting myself off while Minx puts on a show for me is just as hot as getting handjobs ever was. Sometimes hotter.
Also, sometimes we'll jump in and take over for the other person just as they start to come, which seems to make the orgasm last way longer and be more intense and is way easier on the hands/mouth. :D
Once you realize that you don't both have to come every time you have sex (or that you don't have to come a certain way) you're free to have a lot more sex. You can have sex for a few minutes if you're in a rush, you can have sex for a little bit if you're too tired to continue, you can have sex even if you think you're too stressed to come, because there isn't any pressure. You have have sex just to be having it, and just for the pleasure of having it. And you can have orgasms too, whenever you want to, and not when you don't. That's a really good thing.
ReplyDeleteRE: Neurite and Gabrielle
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those guys who rarely gets off orally; I do it because Mac loves doing it, but even if I do manage to come, I usually need another round to feel satisfied. Like Neurite mentioned, I need to move and push to really enjoy it, and I really don't want to choke my husband.
I'm just relieved I'm not the only one; I always thought I was some kinda freak for not being into it.
--Rogan
i just found your blog a few days ago and have been having a series of intimate moments of reaffirmation with it. i needed to thank you for your writing, and your genuineness. have a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteRe: thrusting during oral, you don't have to be able to fit his cock any further into your throat than without thrusting. If you put your hand around it (touch him on the penis!) and have him thrust into your hand and mouth, you can still limit the depth. Like putting a washer on a screw, because I can't think of a sexier metaphor. You could even just do it with a few fingers and your thumb... like you were jacking someone off and holding a dainty tea-cup at the same time? But somehow not in a weird way.
ReplyDeleteAm I missing something? Isn't it really just the same relative motion, only he's the one doing the moving?
Am I missing something? Isn't it really just the same relative motion, only he's the one doing the moving?
ReplyDeleteNo, I think that's the point: that some guys can only get off if they're being active, not passive. Some people need to control the exact rhythm and depth and whatever.
Learning sex =/= intercourse and sex =/= orgasm (and thus no orgasm in intercourse =/= failure) did more for my sex life than any other single fact other than that women enjoy sex.
ReplyDeletePerversecowgirl - I meant isn't it the same as far as depth into your throat is concerned? I get that people like to thrust. But couldn't he thrust into your hand + mouth? And therefore not choke you, because while his dick was thrusting into something, it had enough room (due to hand) not to run up against the actual back of your throat?
ReplyDeleteOf course, if it doesn't work for someone, it doesn't work.
I meant isn't it the same as far as depth into your throat is concerned?
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing a guy might easily get carried away and thrust into his partner's face harder than zie would've thrust hir face down around him?
Either way, the hand solution seems like a sound one to me.
Also: if the blowjob-giver lies on their back with their head hanging off the edge of the bed, and the blowjob-receiver stands/kneels on the floor to fuck the giver's face, that's supposed to be easier on the giver (their throat tube is laid out in a straight line instead of right-angled as in most other positions).
I can't fit more than an inch of my bf's cock in my mouth anyway so it's moot for me...but maybe it'll be useful info for others. :D
I've tried that lie back with your head hanging off the bed thing and it just makes me gag more.
ReplyDeleteAs the post says, whatever works!
It could be worse you could be not getting any sex at all.
ReplyDeleteAs with most things, the key is practice :-D
ReplyDeleterogan, you just made my head explode with the logistics, but this is insignificant compared to the fact that I wish a lot of happyness for you & mac, and whatever works!
ReplyDeleteRe: Emma
ReplyDeleteRogan: Unfortunately, my husband is bonkers and prefers deep-throating. Add that to my tendency to move like a battering ram and it could... get out of hand.
Mac: *drags Rogan into the street*
Rogan: Wait, no, stop, the pun was unintentional!
Mac: Sorry, sweetheart. We need to discourage this kind of thing with corporal PUNishment. *shoots him*
Re: singleton
I didn't realize singlets didn't have blowjobs. :( I feel so bad for you. Your sex life must be very lonely.
--Mac
ok, mac, if you are being mean, then I will be explicit: it wasn't clear for me if you two were A. using the one set of nerve endings (and other accesories) that came with the biologically female body you two inhabit (this is the theory that seemed logical based on what you disclosed, but didn't really mash with your recent comment, hence the head explosion), or B. it's in the inside space of y'all's brain/head, between two internal representation of bodies, which seems to be a place where one could ignore the petty details of biology (like choking), but of course you are the expert here.
ReplyDeletethe (maybe not that funny) humor came from the head explosion explained at point A, and even if this wasn't the best thing to say, the tons of good wishes afterwards should have made clear that this wasn't meant to be an attack. :P
Of course, given that I am the priviledged one here, you are the one with the right to decide what is offensive and what isn't.
Re: singleton
ReplyDeleteI realize you were well-intentioned and had nothing but good feelings, which I appreciate.
But here's the thing: this is a kinky blog. People talk about all sorts of expressions of sexuality here, and that something like me giving my husband a blowjob is so mindblowing among all the violet wanding and hair-pulling just... it makes me feel like because I love who I do, my sex is somehow exotic and weird, and that I'm some bizarre alien for doing it.
I realize you had good intentions, but I get that kind of reaction a lot. You didn't offend me, but... it gets a little tiring, and just reminds me that I'm a freak to others.
--Mac
THIS. I love this. I'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that sex can still be good sex regardless of whether one, both, all, some, or neither/none of the partners orgasm. It's taking some retraining of the way I think, but it does take a lot of the pressure off and make the whole experience more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as someone commenting for the first time on this blog (I can't access it at work... can't imagine why), umm... would it be offensive to ask if I can buy a clue regarding the above exchange? Because I'm terribly confused.
I'm honestly sorry, Mac, for both of my comments; I understaind why they were disrespectful/dehumanizing.
ReplyDeleteRe: singleton
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. I think this happens with just about anyone. Like I said, it's a response we get a lot, and normally I handle the frustration better. Sorry if I got snappy or passive-aggressive.
--Mac
Re: Mary
We're multiple. All the info you need to know Holly mentioned in a post that was a while ago. Hope that helps.
--Rogan
@Mary
ReplyDeleteThis should help clear things up:
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/04/multiplicity-and-feeling-of-opening.html
Hmm, ok. Thank you for the link.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU. Just. thank you for this. Partly because sometimes when reading erotica I'm like "...so my sex life as a lesbian just isn't AS GOOD as what everyone else is having?" and partly because well. Sometimes things just don't quite work out, but you shouldn't feel like an utter failure about it. Usually there are ways around problems like not getting wet enough, or being suddenly and inexplicably sore.
ReplyDeletePower to you.
I am so glad that you posted this. Men having trouble reaching orgasm is something I've never seen written about in conventional media, but it happened regularly to my boyfriend and I might have been really upset by it if I hadn't read this journal. As it was, I just shrugged it off as normal.
ReplyDeleteHere are my thoughts on the subject. http://sexsingingandsociety.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/so-my-boyfriend-has-trouble-reaching.html