In all this kerfuffling about my gender identity, I've come to realize one thing for certain. And it's not what gender I am.
It's that I am fucking lucky, goddamn privileged, to be surrounded by people who are comfortable with my uncertainty and willing to accept whatever decision I do make. I don't have a boss telling me "the dress code specifies females must wear makeup." I don't live with anyone who will kick me out if I start dressing or acting funny. I don't live in a country where my gender expression is regulated by law.
Whether I'm butch, transmasculine, genderqueer, genderfluid, tomboy, boi, androgynous, genderless, or just a different sort of cis woman--I'm glad to have found a subculture and a group of friends where these are all recognized identities. I'm glad that I can tell my boyfriend "I don't feel like I'm really a woman" and he can answer with "hm, I know what you mean, gender's a funny thing" and not "of course you are" or "then get out." I'm glad I can post about this on my blog and get a wide variety of thoughtful responses and not a "lol wat, ur gay."
Having the freedom to question and change my role in sex and society, and to do that in an atmosphere without one right answer (or even two), is one of the biggest and best freedoms I know. I just wish more people had it.
What I really want to say to the public, to the blogosphere, to whoever reads this, with all my hemming and hawing about my gender is not what gender I am. What I really want to say is that it's okay to hem and haw about your gender, or about the way you express that gender. There's a lot of possibilities--including never knowing for sure--and not one of them makes you less of a person.
I'm really curious to see how you make up your mind on your gender, if you do :3
ReplyDeleteTry not to beat yourself up too bad about your waking up as a man post <3 When people are figuring out their identity, they say things from a place of internalized whateverphobia.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm new to your blog. I'm a trans woman who's been linked to several of your articles in the past but just recently started following you. I have to say when I read your first post today, it was really discouraging. It is very encouraging that you're willing to make a mistake, acknowlege it, and try to improve, though. Usually when I've seen things like this happen, people just throw their arms up and say "Well screw you guys I'll use whatever terminology or examples I want. Trans people are just confused" and go on doing what they were doing. So Kudos for not doing that! It's a welcome exception.
ReplyDeleteBut I also wanted to say, a couple of trans people posted but said something along the lines of "I can't quite put my finger on it but it seems like..." and I was just thining, well, I CAN put my finger on it. From my perspective, I know EXACTLY what rubbed me the wrong way about this. So less as a criticism and maybe more as a constructive learning experience, would you mind if I share that?
To me, your post came off like this: "I am identifying as a man now. I am doing it not because of an intrinsic feeling, but because of meeting checklist items a b c and d I have come to determine that I must be one. Having met said stereotypes, I am now determining that this is my identity as well." What's more, you were implying a braoder conclusion - namely "if you meet these stereotypes, you meet this gender." You were also doing it somewhat flippantly, like it was an example to prove a point.
The reason that's a problem is that that's exactly what many, many people assume this is how trans people come to their identities. I've had plenty of people tell me that if we only lived in a "better" world they could still call me a man because it would be "OK" for men to wear dresses and enjoy domesticity and makeup or whatever other random BS they have decided trans women must be like. They're usually shocked to learn I work as an engineer and don't wear anything fancier than a T-Shirt if I can help it.
People often assume I'm identifying as a woman for exactly the reson you said - I looked over my checklist of stereotypes and hit enough of them that I sat down and concluded "Gee I must be a girl. I'm just too hygenic not to be!" This is also the explanation I usually hear for why many feminists believe being trans is inherently sexist or un-feminist.
For me it's always been the other way around, I never had any interest in skirts or dresses until I'd been identifying as a woman for some time, and then it was more as a subversive and empowering thing, like sticking it to people's expectations.
You should feel free to talk about your own experiences with gender, though it's good you recognize that it's a privilege not everyone has. But drawing or implying a sweeping conclusion like "People determine their gender based on how many gender stereotypes they fall into on that day" actively hurts trans people who are struggling to be accepted as more than a mokery of society's gender stereotypes. (Yes, I have actually been called that on multiple occassions.)
On the off chance anyone's interested in more of my thoughts on this sort of thing, I've written it all out here: (link)
(being new I don't know if this comment box takes html tags....so here's the address:
http://healthymultiplicity.com/Zyfron/articles/TS1Page.html
It's a good point. They're supposedly arresting all the filthy unchristian homoqueers in Ghana this week . . . and asking people to turn in their tenants, neighbors, clients, customers . . . it smells like a massacre.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRock the fuck on, Holly. This is a gorgeous sentiment. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, at the end of the day, you're a person. That's what matters. Male, female, neutrois, agender, bigender, ladyboy, boi, butch, femme, tomboy, two-spirit...you're yourself. What other people think of you has no bearing on that.
ReplyDeleteThe outcome of these past few posts have given me serious warm fuzzies. Holly, you rock.
ReplyDeleteDo you think gender neutrality is easier for a biological female as opposed to a male? Do you believe there is a spectrum of sexuality for everyone and that it's up to the individual to determine what that is. Or do you think that most of us are born into three camps, homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual? I'll take a response from anyone. -j5
ReplyDeleteWhen I started questioning my gender, I spent a long time feeling *terrified* by the fact that I wasn't sure exactly what I was. It gnawed at me and caused me a lot of anxiety. My doubts came fairly quickly and it was upsetting that suddenly I didn't know what my gender was or what it might change to be.
ReplyDeleteI eventually felt comfortable enough to find some words I could use for myself, and begin a physical/social gender transition process. It's been several years since I felt certain enough to do that, and now I find that my identity is still shifting - not in a way that makes me regret anything that's happened so far, but still enough to be interesting. I feel like my gender is more of a paragraph than a word right now, and I'm aware that it's still changing. The other thing that's changed is that this no longer upsets me.
Enjoy the freedom. Sometimes I feel like a big, floaty gender amoeba and that's a pretty great place to be.
RE: j5
ReplyDeleteDo you think gender neutrality is easier for a biological female as opposed to a male?
Rogan: It depends what you mean by 'gender neutrality.' Are you talking about wearing clothes or showing external behaviors that many people associate with a different gender? Pronoun usage? Because I think getting the average Joe to use gender-neutral pronouns is an ass and a half, and there are plenty of people off the gender binary who enact gender roles nobody finds odd.
If you're talking, say, David Bowie flavors of dress, then I would say those assigned male at birth are more likely to attract violence.
Do you believe there is a spectrum of sexuality for everyone and that it's up to the individual to determine what that is. Or do you think that most of us are born into three camps, homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual?
Rogan: Spectrum. Massively. But then, I'm a demisexual queer gay guy whose husband ID'ed as straight and now has found he's attracted to a few men--primarily me. Besides, gay/straight/bi are incredibly limiting.
I have always enjoyed the exploration of myself, in whatever form that may take. Why worry about fitting an expression of gender?
ReplyDelete"What I really want to say is that it's okay to hem and haw about your gender, or about the way you express that gender. There's a lot of possibilities--including never knowing for sure--and not one of them makes you less of a person."
ReplyDeleteThat's something really hard to come to grips with, but it's what I'm finding true as well, now that I'm coming to peace with the person I am- I feel like I wake up a differently-shaped person each morning, and decide my gender every time I get dressed. You articulated the permission that I've been trying to give myself... and it's really nice to hear that someone else feels the same.