Sunday, July 3, 2011
Last night at work was tiring. I didn't get a chance for a bathroom break until 6 hours into the shift and I never did get dinner. Lots of trying to make very polite bureaucratic phone calls with "AAAUUGGHH YOU FUCKERS *thump* FUCKERS *crash*" in the background.
So I got home. I got undressed and took a quick, hot, refreshing shower. I fixed myself a bit of dinner. Petted the guinea pigs. Did some stretching exercises. Caught up on some blogs. Got ready for bed. Masturbated.
One of these things is just like the others, one of these things just does belong. I took care of myself... and then I took care of myself.
I don't, generally, see masturbation as sex. For me it's not only psychologically different, but it's completely different physical sensations, and even seems to give me different orgasms. Although I sometimes do it because I get a craving, far more often I do it simply for comfort. Touching my pussy feels good and relaxing, and having an orgasm lets the tension out of my muscles and helps me get to sleep. It's not the same impulse as fucking or even making out with another person; it's the same impulse as putting on fuzzy pajamas.
So it's downright funny to me to remember when it was--and still is, I guess--an object of shame and derision, usually simultaneously. When I was in school and it'd have to be very late at night and just us girls before someone would ask, giggling, nervy, "do you masturbate?" Do I. But it's hard to say that when everyone else in the room has answered "hahaha, ewww!" Then again, it's not just kids. At the ER, we had a patient come in who happened to have a vibrator among her possessions. Everyone gossiped and gawked like it was the most unbelievable scandal ever. I said something fairly non-exhibitionist about "pfft, it's just a vibrator, no big deal" and then everyone gossiped and gawked about me and how I was "pretty wild" and had a "secret side." Do I.
I do have a secret side, but the fact that I like to get cozy at the end of a long day isn't it. Masturbation isn't dirty. It isn't naughty. It isn't even particularly sexy most of the time. It's self-care.