Wednesday, June 11, 2014

30 Days of Kink: Day 2.

 Day 2: List your kinks.
1. Butts
2. Butts
3. Buttttttsssss

With that out of the way... this one is difficult for me.  I've never really experienced sexuality as an itemized list of fetishes.  I can't say, like, "rope bondage, feet, having my nose tickled with an ostrich feather by a man dressed as my third grade teacher."  There's nothing so specific.

I'm more like "confronting the physicality of my own flesh," and that's great for poetry readings, not so much for actually figuring out what the fuck I'm going to do tonight.

I also say "I don't know yet; I'm still discovering" a lot.  I've been in the scene for, shit, seven years now, and I still feel like a newcomer when I see just how much is out there.  Or a kid in a candy shop, and I'm too caught up in "I want to try one of everything!" to start narrowing myself down.

And secretly, part of the reason I get all "I like almost everything, really I'm just into this for the philosophy" is that I do have some specific kinks, but I feel weirdly embarrassed and shy about them.  Like saying "I like to be dominated" is vague and sanitized enough to feel totally chill, but when I get too close to what really makes me squirm in my pants, saying "I like to get threatened that someone will shove a huge thing up my ass" gets uncomfortable.

Not so uncomfortable that I won't do it, though!  So, in no particular order:

1. Biting, punching, wrestling, and other forms of no-tools SM.  On a physical level I like flogging, but I liiiike skin-to-skin rough body play.

2. Things in my bum.  Like, a lot.  Like, I don't talk about this much because I know that if I get started I'm going to start sounding weird as it progresses from "oh yeah, anal sex, lots of people are into that" to "no, you don't understand, I would put a traffic cone in my ass if I could."

3. Related but not totally overlapping: the general concept of putting way too much phallic object in way too little orifice.  Again, it gets weird fast--I don't just mean "big dicks," I mean "...maybe two traffic cones."

4. Being held down and forced to do things, assuming that the things are exactly what I wanted to do anyway.  Inclusive of when I feel like doing them and who I want to do them with.  This all hinges on a very generous interpretation of the word "forced," obviously, but once we've established what exactly I want to be forced to do, the scene can get plenty rough.

5. Humiliation, but only in a specific way.  I don't want to be told that I'm useless; I want to be told that I'm useful, and the top will be using me now.  I like the feeling of being used.

It's weird how shy I felt about saying those things, and how "oh, is that all? that's not so bad at all" I feel having actually said them now.  Kind of a huge relief actually.

Next up: I'm finally getting back to Fifty Shades of Grey!


  1. "Humiliation, but only in a specific way. I don't want to be told that I'm useless; I want to be told that I'm useful, and the top will be using me now. I like the feeling of being used." YES. This is very different to other forms of humiliation.

  2. Oh my goodness, your words are perfection for describing kinks that I've been feeling out for myself! Especially 4 and 5. Thank you for your brilliancy, I'm really inspired to do something similar to this.

  3. I'm fascinated by people who like stuff up their bum because it just shows how diverse people are. I feel profoundly ashamed and humiliated by the feeling, which is hugely increased if it is a body part rather than a toy and the idea of being rimmed is way way beyond my boundaries.

    But I really really get off on being humiliated and degraded by my partner and as a result, it is something I really enjoy as part of an intense scene.

  4. Okay like, #4 is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL, in words lightyears better articulated than I could ever have thought. Thank you.

    And also, #3, but with my vagina. I laughed at the traffic cones thing because... well... seriously, that's such an exciting thought for me. It's frustrating that I can't.

  5. Most of the things I fantasize about are probably derived from all the games I grew up on. It's kind of embarrassing to say it but I get really turned on by the idea of being electrocuted by a wizard who has his entire hands up my ass and vagina. I also love the idea of being anally penetrated by swarms of hideous monsters. Part of the appeal is the sense of defilement. I also like to think of being forced to orgasm and fearing orgasm as one might fear death. Fear is such a turn on for me.

    I've never really figured out how to encorporate elements of these fantasies into my sex life but I guess that's what computer game mods are for.

  6. #5> oh yes! I like being bossed about (to do stuff I want to do anyway, or at least stuff that I should be doing anyway (like cleaning the dishes, it's so much more fun with bossing!)) but I oh so much do not like being called a stupid slut (yuckyuckyuck)

    I also like to fantasize about getting pregnant; but that's weird because I totally do not want to *be* pregnant. Maybe this is just very weird. Like I have recently got a new partner and now I find myself fatasizing about being pregnant with fraternal twins with different fathers (is this even possible? I have no plans to actually try it!).

    1. It's possible.

  7. I love #1 that leads to #4 and #5. Like, I want to be reminded I'm not so tough while my partner holds me down to get me off until I'm dizzy. #3 is of interest as well, I have a vag (and I'm a "they" not a "she" btw) and love trying to get way too big things in there.

  8. I've read your blog for awhile (and laughed/cringed through your great 50 Shades of Doing Kink Wrong read) and never commented before, but this post really struck a chord in me -- a couple of chords.

    * It does feel a lot safer to say "Yeah, I'm kinky" or even "Yeah, I'm a sub" than to enumerate the stuff that _specifically_ turns you on, that makes your sexual self light up. I loudly tell people I'm a genderqueer feminist, how exactly does that jibe with all these desires of submitting to male dominance? Let alone the sticky details of how I want that dominance to play out; it took me years to even accept those things about myself, they don't come out of my mouth easily.

    * _Yes_ to #5. I spent my teens unhappily convinced I was not a sexual being and that nobody would ever see me that way. I was lucky to find out that I was wrong, but I still need the reminder; being objectified a little, being "told that I'm useful, and the top will be using me now" as you so beautifully put it, is very effective at shutting up that anxious, doubting, insecure voice in the back of my brain. And when they're done with me and they've marked me with their dominance in various ways, they've also marked me very conclusively as a sexual entity. Damn does that feel good.

    So, yeah... thank you for all your courage, great writing and honesty.

  9. This is bringing me to a post-request: could you do something about how-tos for this kink and specifically reassurance that it's not going to cause any kind of long-term damage to have anal sex, using your Shiny Nursing Knowledge? The stuff that's written about anal sex doesn't spend nearly enough time addressing that concern; it's a one-sentence throwaway if it's mentioned at all (I think they take it as given), and when it's your boyfriend's most favoritest thing ever and you're afraid it's going to permanently damage your orifices, it causes relationship problems.

    1. As someone who's not a nurse but has experience and similar concerns of his own, I can give a little advice. Cleaning out beforehand and washing any toys/fingers/other objects going in is highly recommended. Lube is necessary since there's no natural production, and more is always better. As in, there is no such thing as 'enough' or 'too much' lube. Use it on whatever's being inserted and put some in before insertion, there are lube syringes on adult toy sites that work fine. Water-based lube tends to absorb, but is much easier to clean. A word of warning, lubes with glycerin (KY, etc.) work alright but tend to act like a laxative. Oil or silicon-based lubes last longer, but can damage toys and condoms. I've tried a few kinds of water-based lubes and highly recommend Liquid Silk for just about anything intimate.

      Speaking of condoms, they are a must for your boyfriend. UTIs are extremely painful from what I hear.

      Once you start playing, go slow and practice with fingers or something else small. If you're fingering, cut and file your nails down to avoid scrapes; if using a toy, don't use anything that's not smooth. You may not be able to do anything more than that at first, and that's fine. Always listen to your body and avoid pain--if something starts feeling uncomfortable beyond 'entering the exit hole' very very mild weirdness, stop immediately. If you're slow and careful, it shouldn't be a problem, so feel free to explore and figure out what feels good. Once comfortable, you can start stretching a little at a time and working your way up to larger toys.

      It's not something for everyone, but there's a lot of nerve endings down there (for guys, prostate massage is ohmygodbitepillow). Just approach it with caution and respect, wash everything before and after, the answer to "more lube" should pretty much always be yes, and don't do anything impulsively or otherwise too much for your body to handle. If/when you work up to doing stuff with the boyfriend, make sure at least the first few times you're in a position (in every sense of the term) to control the depth and pace so he doesn't get overexcited. The anus and rectum aren't fragile, but they are part of the body and do have their limits. Discover them at your own pace, keep them in mind especially when things get REALLY good and pain gets harder to feel, and you should have no issues whatsoever training yourself to handle more, bigger, and better.

      Hope that helps!

  10. I'm shy about my very favoritest kinks too, even though I'm not shy about being kinky. In a way, I think it has something to do with "telling someone your true name", you know? I have kinks where just hearing the related vocabulary turns me on. I don't want to give strangers the power to turn me on instantly just by saying a single word.

    1. That's a really good way of putting it! It's like, oh, now you know this about me, and it makes me very vulnerable--because you could laugh about it and make me feel awful, or you could abuse it to make me uncomfortable, or you could tell people and potentially make my life very difficult. And for some of my kinks, they're shrouded in the the knowledge that they're problematic and on the surface counter to some very strongly held beliefs of mine. Revealing them--even though I've thought about them and can justify them--means peeling back a layer of my public persona and exposing a part of me that is easily attacked. Even if I feel confident in the validity of my kinks, I won't necessarily be able to convince someone else of them.

  11. Oh yes. 4 & 5 especially. Being made to do the thing you want to do--completely hot. <3

    And yes on admitting to specific kinks being much more fraught than just the general! "I'm a bisexual switch who's into femdom" is a lot less riskier to say than "I get off to cbt even though I don't think I really want to do it to a guy IRL, and also I really like my wife to spank me," you know?

  12. Funny how the "oh, is that all?" thing works. Like, when they were all locked up in my head for me to worry over in silence, my kinks seemed like the Worst Most Messed-Up Thing Ever. Then I dared to comment on them anonymously somewhere I would probably never go back, then here, and then I brought them up to my therapist at the time, then to one of my best friends... I even managed to bring up one of them with my first (and, thus far, only) sexual partner and try it out! He was totally into it, which helped. :) And now that it's not such a secret that I'm into a few things society considers "deviant," I feel less, well... deviant. And I feel lighter, and freer, and overall better about myself. And all because I don't have to wrestle with it alone.

    You've been a big part of that process, Cliff. Thank you. :)