Tuesday, May 20, 2008

New Rule!

A friend from elementary school came to visit yesterday. She's kinky. (Roughly half of my friends are perverts. This is less because of some secret vibe we gave off before we even knew, and more because my friends are geeks and for some unclear reason liking Star Trek makes you like nipple clamps.) It's a little weird to discuss the finer points of caning with someone I used to play tetherball with, but I always like having kinky allies in the real world.

And we came to this rule, which I think might be a solid one: only do BDSM with people who are in the "scene." People who go at least sometimes to BDSM gatherings and events have an entirely different style than people who identify as kinky but have only expressed it in their own bedroom. Scene people are better at it, they're safer, and above all else they tend to be much much better at negotiating and respecting/expressing limits.

(This is not just a bottom problem; as a top, she's run into people who scared the heck out of her by being unable to express their own limits. "You were really hurting me back there and I didn't like it." "I wasn't hurting you in your vocal cords...")

Of course there are plenty of creeps in the scene and plenty of nice people who don't have the inclination to make their sexuality public. But niceness isn't entirely the point. It's more a matter of education and culture. Public BDSM communities have, when they're working properly, a culture based on explicit negotiation. Whereas most people's private sex lives are based more on nonverbal clues, guessing, and sometimes even pushing. That's okay (although not always) for just sex, but if you're going to be causing me pain and humiliation, wink-wink arm-around-the-shoulder ain't gonna cut it. We need to swallow our romantic spontaneity fantasies and talk.


  1. "You were really hurting me back there and I didn't like it." "I wasn't hurting you in your vocal cords..."

    LOL! However, even scene people sometimes don't say what they need to say, for whatever reason.

  2. Anon - Absolutely true. But I feel like the scene does set a sort of standard of conduct that doesn't exist elsewhere.

  3. My rule is:

    Because I find 'the scene' completely unwelcoming, I only explore BDSM with people I have built extensive personal relationship with.

    Of course, I'm a staid old boring married/engaged woman who isn't into casual much of anything, so that's just me continuing boring. ;)

  4. i am not explicitly a part of the scene. i have worked in the scene (without being a part, mind you. but i am strange, and have kinks that make you look normal lol. mostly, very little from the BDSM side interests me - top or bottom - except for restraining/ropework/cuffs.) what i HAVE done is fireplay.

    because lighting someone on fire, excuse the pun, is HOT. it takes an insane amount of trust (or an insane amount of insanity...). i always start with a little bittie area, to make the person PROVE they can ARTICULATE whilst on fire.

    before i made this rule... well... third degree burns. i try to console myself that he didnt just want them. he re-lit as much of the area as he could, more than once, he WANTED, NEEDED those scars...