Friday, January 30, 2009


Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I was playing with a hittybuddy friend I've played with quite a few times in the past, and we were having a grand old time--me tied kneeling with a chest harness anchored over my head and my hands tied to the bed, him slapping me around with his hands and a nastymean little metal toy, lots of smiling and giggling and sexiness, and suddenly I started crying. Not bawling, not roleplay-y "ooh you mean man you made me cwy", just tears silently coming out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them.

"Are... are you okay?"
"I'm fine."

The weird part is, I meant it. I didn't feel upset about anything, I wasn't having any crazy-chick thoughts, I like him but just as a sexy friend, I was enjoying the play. The only emotion troubling me was intense embarrassment that I couldn't control my tearducts.

It ended the scene on a horrible awkward note. He untied me and I slunk home in shame. We probably should've talked about something but I didn't have anything to say besides "gosh, I hope I didn't totally ruin your night... I'm pretty sure I did though," and that doesn't seem helpful. I just don't know what the fuck.



  1. sorry dude, that sure sucks. people are awfully complicated contraptions, aren't they? I guess that just keeps it interesting... if you could have weird kinky S&Mey sex and NOT push all kinds of emotional buttons, well it wouldn't really be the same. Still sucks though.

  2. Ugh, that bites.

    I've actually had that happen--I cry a lot when I'm not at all upset, to the point that I don't actually think my tear ducts are wired in to my emotions at all--but it was with my husband, who's accustomed enough to my oddities that it didn't really faze him.

    That must have been awkward. I'm sorry.

  3. I didn't know it was possible to cry for literally no reason. Do you think the pain might have made you cry even though on another level you were enjoying it?

  4. Tristesse. It's pretty common, especially in women, often has nothing to do with any actual sad/bad feelings, just a weird physical quirk.