Saturday, January 24, 2009

Why I won't be going back to my local munch.

Welp, tonight I went to the munch in my town and I was not happy.

I walked in the door and the first thing that happened was that a woman I didn't know ran up and hugged me. She didn't ask, she didn't pause a little and do the body-language thing, just glommed on full-body. NO. BAD TOUCH. I'm sure she saw it as just a happy playful "glomp", but I am really not okay with that sort of thing. Strangers don't get to touch me like that without my goddamn permission.

And then the crowd basically consisted of two types of people:

1) Large women in bright purple dresses revealing three miles of cleavage and a gigantic pentagram; hairstyle choice of "loose and frizzy down to ass", "Ren Faire braids," or "disturbingly inappropriate pigtails"; with names like "PixieChild"; and personalities consisting of one part hippie-flaky innocence, one part aggressive sexual frankness (and that's even by my standards), and one part passive-aggressive cliquish bitchiness.

2) Highly technical men, in glasses and black t-shirts with programming-language jokes, who are extremely uncomfortable admitting that they are engaged in a sexual activity so they prefer to discuss BDSM in terms of an engineering problem in which the construction of the implements and furniture is the really interesting part. Failing that, they'll just talk about engineering in general, since they are all engineers.

It just wasn't my scene.


  1. "I work for Microsoft."

    This isn't unique to BDSM. Too many people in any geekdom define themselves entirely within that context, leaving dabblers or even hardcore enthusiasts with (shh) outside interests cold. It's no wonder new participants often struggle to gain a foothold.

  2. Bruno - Yep.

    I think the main problem is a culture that self-reinforces in a sort of insular "fuck the haters!" way. Being "HAI I'M STARFLOWER GLOOOOMMP" becomes socially acceptable when everyone in your weird little group is doing it--which is great for Starflower as it may be the only place she's ever found true acceptance, but it makes the place pretty unwelcoming to people with mainstream social norms.

    In other words, those fuckin' crazies can all go be crazy together, see if I care.

  3. That's why I don't go to munches, generally. I'm tired of people that don't have any concept of personal space or how to behave like normal fucking human beings.

    Fair warning, this is gonna be a rant. I know I'm not normal. I am, among other things, a kinky freak, a Discordian(or am I), a practicing occultist, and just generally a weird nerd. Hobbies include being up until 4 am posting online, RPGs, and making weird arts and crafts. I AM NOT NORMAL. And yet I manage to function perfectly fine in human society, I don't need to shut myself into a social clique that "accepts me for who I am"(read: reinforces that it's not my problem, it's the world's problem!), I can move freely in society, and people that can't even manage that...I can't decide if I pity them or if I'm kind of disgusted. /rant

    But yeah, I don't go to munches either. Hell, the fact that I'm going to the Flea has to do with deciding that my desire to see my kinky friends outweighs the number of mouth-breathing fucktards I'll have to deal with there.

    Then again, I had to elbow some guy in the ribs at Rock Band because he couldn't understand the concept of "don't stand so close that you're physically touching people", so the socially idiotic are all over the place, not just with the kinky folk.

  4. so... maybe i missed where you talked about this before (i only stop by every other day or so) or maybe i'm the only person around who is clueless... but what is a "munch"? i know the BDSM scene here in columbus is pretty lame compared to everywhere else, and so i have never run into this word. i gather, from the context, that its a gathering of people who are into the scene.

    i don't do any public BDSM stuff anymore, i'm not actually into most of it, just (some) restraint and fire... but when i hung around with a group a people who are into BDSM, they WERE always making assumptions in the most annoying fucking manner. i worked as a Domme (doing fire play) for 4 or so years. and in that time, i lost count of the number of fucktards who thought that because i was there, they could whatever they want. i am perfectly happy topping someone, to my physical limits at least (i have fibromalgia, so i can't flog some people as hard as they want) but i am in NO WAY a bottom. i quit being in the scene, at least activly, because of all the guys who would smack my ass or pull my hair or whatever, because they A)just assumed i was a sub because i have tits and B)that it was perfectly ok to do that to me because I WAS THERE, wasn't i? if i didn't want to be smacked or whatever i shouldn't be there. they ignored the fact that i ONLY ever topped, if they even paid attention to it. they ignored when i told them not to touch me. they laughed if i hit them back. i could NOT get some of these fuckers to leave me alone. it didn't matter how many times i said i was not a sub, that i was in a relationship and monogomous, that i didn't like being touched.

    sorry. that turned into a bit of a rant. i REALLY resent the fact that i feel as if they ran me out because i wouldn't do what they wanted. there are a lot of people in the BDSM scene out here that i quite like, and liked hanging out with, and like setting on fire or flogging or doing electric play with - the problem seemed to be that i leave my scene and it is OVER, i do NOT do anything outside of a specific, negotiated scene, and refuse to allow anyone to do anything to me that i did not ask for. so i left, because the good people (ie, the people i liked) just did not make up for all the people who were fucktards.

    that, by the way, is why i stop by and read your blog - it's almost like being back in the scene without having to deal with all the bad shit. i don't think i've told you before how much i appreciate your blog - i know i don't comment too much (i know how creepy it can feel when a complete strangers starts critquing your stuff) and when i do i don't generally say much. but i do appreciate it - i can vicerially(sp?) relive the parts i liked, and ALSO can almost relive that time when BDSM was new and i was learning it all and learning my limits.

    i think i've babbled enough for one night. but i am very sorry that that woman violated your personal space and didn't care how you felt about it. that ALWAYS sucks.

  5. I doubt it'll make you feel much better, but the "mainstream" scene's even worse. Relations between the sexes seem hellishly poisoned now.

  6. *giggles* You know, it's funny, in those two groups you almost exactly described myself and my man. He's a techie, but I'm the engineer, technically anyway. I have the degree to prove it. I won't rant about techies that call themselves engineers but didn't go through 4 years of hell like I did to get the damn degree.

    Anyway, yeah, I'm the typical fat chick, though I don't own a purple dress, or a pentagram, and am really NOT the hippie type. I don't like hippies or yuppies. Bleck.

    I guess I'm luck in that I've never been to a munch like you descibe. The one we go to here in Toronto, is for those 18-35. It was created because too many young people were being frightened away by the cliqiness and meatmarket feel of other munches. It's actually a pretty diverse group I think. There are techies - both male and female, there are craftspeople - both male and female, there's also secretaires and sales poeple, there's even a chef! I'm sure there's other professions, these are just the ones I know.

    The majority of women are not big like me. There's only 2 of us in fact. There's some punks, some geeks, but the majority are just very normal looking people. The hosts are friendly - in a very social norm acceptable kind of way - they shake your hand when you're new and smile, introduce you to the group, try to get you talking. No one ever assumes they can touch you. Some of us hug when we get together, but that's because we are now close friends. We don't hug strangers! My goodness!

    I always worry what people think of my man and I to be honest. Becuase I'm a fat chick, and he's the techie all in black... I hate that we're like the cliche.... Though, in our defence, I think we both have better social graces than the lot you were talking about Holly.

    Perhaps you should check the internet for other munches in the surrounding area?? There might be one that's a little more your speed....

  7. Tom - Is it? I always found mainstream sex much easier to obtain, but then again I'm weird or something.

    Maja - Just being fat doesn't make you part of the stereotype--hell, I've got some serious chub going myself. Being fat, loud, flaky, and obnoxious would be more like it.

  8. The ONLY place I allow people I don't personally know to invade my personal space is at a BACA event. And those people, whether I know them or not, I know I can trust.

    I've always hated the general assumptions people make. Yes, I'm poly: I'm devoted to two women (ok, only Spoon right now, but there's another that's showing promise). That's it: I don't "screw around", or engage in casual sex. Yet the assumption is there. and Spoon sometimes gets it worse, I've had a few guys, when they find out I'm poly, think that Spoon'll be willing to bed 'em...

    Keep searching Holly: you'll find a group you click with, that can act like human beings (instead of fucktards)... ;)

  9. Strings - You know what? I will casually screw around... and yet that still doesn't mean it's open season on my body. Just because I sleep with a lot of people doesn't mean I'll sleep with you, nor does it mean that I don't have the same boundaries as a normal human.

    I'm a slut, not a household pet.