Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dammit, Lance Part 1: Men are scum!

Via Lance, "Seven Lies Every Guy Tells, in Glamour magazine. Apparently men do secretly hate women, to judge from this.

2. "I'm sorry."
When a guy says this, there's a good chance that he's more confused than contrite. "I've apologized to tons of women, and not once was I perfectly clear on what I'd done wrong," says my cousin Steve. "I was, however, totally clear on the fact that I was expected to apologize."

You know, when women are angry, they're generally angry about something. Anger, like talking, isn't just this wordless emotional noise women produce for hormonal reasons. Since we speak human languages, you could even ask what we're angry about.

4. "I'm headed into a tunnel — gonna lose you."
I say this to get off cell phone calls at the beginning of a relationship. But I am not driving in my car; I am sitting in my apartment.

Okay, I don't think that's "every guy," I'm pretty sure it's just you. (And your stunning lack of faith in other people's perception; I can tell when you're in a car or not, jerk.) Some guys actually have the social skills to just say they want to wrap up the call. I don't actually want to talk for three hours either, y'know.

6. "Being with you is great, but let's take a quick break."
Ever have a steamy session interrupted because he suddenly needs to go to the bathroom or "has something on his mind"? In truth, he may have just finished having sex. Since we don't want to admit that we didn't last as long as we (and presumably you) would like, we'll pretend something urgent distracted us.

Again, I can tell, dumbass. Also, if you admit that you're done we can do other stuff or cuddle. If you just run away I'm going to be much more confused and frustrated.

7. "I'm just kidding."
Perhaps man's most employed tactic for getting out of a jam. We said something that held truth — about your family, your friend, you — and you got upset. Now we're doing damage control and trying to pass the whole thing off as a joke. It wasn't. When my friend Joe (stupidly) told his girlfriend that if he weren't with her, he'd want to date her sister, she flipped out. His response: Whoa, hold on! Totally kidding!

You see, when a human is angry they have a problem that has to be apologized for and solved. When a woman is angry, ha ha, it's just cute little lady anger, look at her pout and the way she stamps her little foot!


  1. Men and women do apologize when they don't mean it, constantly. The rest is wacky.

    I don't think the tunnel lie means you're a man. I think it might actually mean you're a sleazy movie producer on a 1990's sitcom.

  2. Win!

    Don-- I dunno, when I cross a lady, she tends to be pretty clear about what I did. I suppose this is a side effect of having a good relationship where communication happens.

    I can only imagine what this guy's constant life of deception is like. It's kinda sad.

  3. Wow. well THAT guy is scum!

    Also, I've NEVER had a guy apologise to me without them knowing exactly why I was pissed at them. They are always such sticklers for finding out why I'm pissed. And most men I've known don't want to apologise irregardless of how good a reason I have for being pissed!

    Thankfully my current boyfriend is much more reasonable. And we, you know, do that grown up thing where to talk to each other.

  4. Hell, Stingray gets pissed himself if I DON'T adequately explain exactly why I'm upset.

    Not that I accept any apology that doesn't actually address those reasons anyway, so he has good reason to be.

  5. May be a bit late, but I think, ah...

    I'm a girl and I have given up on counting how often I have apologised to female friends without precisely knowing why.
    This isn't about being an arse. It's about asking repeatedly what's wrong or how you could make it alright again and the repeatedly being told there's nothing you can do and you're just mean and everything.
    Apologising profoundly, even without the least idea what's going on, is pretty much the only thing to do in this situation...