Wednesday, March 25, 2009

On Fat.

I am not a goddess. I am not a porker.

[All links are NWS images.]
Fat belly.

I am not less a person or less sexual than a thin woman. I can get laid. My pussy isn't loose or dirty or hard to get to. I'm also not more sensual, horny, hedonistic, kinky, masochistic, or inclined to give blowjobs than a thin woman. Fat doesn't make me more orgasmic, better able to take a beating, more in touch with my body, or in any way more of a real woman.

I don't like the term "BBW" because I think packaging "beautiful" into the term is kind of egotistical. Some fat girls are BBWs and some are just BWs, you know?

Fat tits.

I am not as healthy, as strong, as fast, or as flexible as I'd be if I were thin. I'm not teetering on the edge of diabetes and heart failure either. I can run, hike, lift weights, and do martial arts--but not as well as I could if I were thin.

I don't stuff my face with Twinkies and Big Macs all day. I don't obsess about food. But I did get fat by overeating, and when I consistently eat less food than I burn, I lose weight like anyone else.

Fat hips.

I didn't consciously choose to be fat. My fat is not a form of self-expression. It doesn't say "I made myself ugly because I want to be ignored." It also doesn't say "I enjoy pleasure to the fullest because I'm so free."

I'm repulsed by fat hate, but I worry that fat acceptance amounts to sticking my head in the sand. Being fat does crud up my life in some ways and it's easier to change my body than change the tide of society (or the laws of physics).

Fat ass.

I'm on a diet now and it seems to be going better than average (calorie counting with normal food, making a conscious effort not to try to overachieve by starving, and over the last three months I've dropped about 18 pounds), but I've seen a few diets come and go so I'm not going to announce "Hallelujah, I'm cured" just yet.

The funny thing is, if I were cured, if I woke up tomorrow at 110 pounds, I think it would be amazing just how many of my problems and insecurities weren't changed a bit.


  1. Holly,

    For what it's worth, I don't see you as being particularly fat. Overweight, sure... I'd call your body type "American". (pretty nice body too, but I don't think you were fishing for compliments) It's fairly amazing that we live in a time and a place where it is easier to consume too many calories than the opposite. Congratulations on shedding some pounds... I actually think that is one of the hardest things a person can do: you're flying in the face of evolutionary programming.

    For me the motivation to stay (relatively) fit and trim isn't (mostly, I certainly have ego and eyes) about looks. For me it's really about being able to run and bike faster and longer, and especially to be able to climb higher and harder. Every five pounds extra I carry is like trying to scale a cliff with a five-pound bag of sugar clipped to my harness. The lighter and more fit I am, the more able I am to do the things I love.

    But I STILL love horrible food, especially fast food burgers. Sigh.

    I haven't been around to comment much lately... my Sweety Bun Bun Love fell off her bike and broke her PELVIS the other weekend, so my time has been very much bespoke.

  2. you're not a BBW. Not a bit. you've got a few extra pounds... no biggie. You're not 'fat.'

    Accepting yourself isn't a bad thing.

  3. Lawrence - Oh my gosh, I hope she's doing okay and my wishes for a fast recovery.

    I don't know from rock climbing, but I love hiking and backpacking, and I've been having very similar thoughts about how I could have so much more fun with them by losing even a few pounds.

    A medium McDonald's meal is 1130 calories! That's without ketchup even! I've been able to work a lot of delicious normal-person foods into the diet (homemade hamburgers, for instance, which are cheaper and taste better anyway), but McDonald's is just too damn greasy.

    OneFaller - I wouldn't give this kind of shit to someone else my size, certainly no one "has" to lose weight, but personally I want to. I don't have a "few" extra pounds, I have freakin' 40 of 'em, and it's both physically and socially uncomfortable for me.

  4. You already know what I think about the whole deal, so I won't go there.

    I will say that I strongly suspect that being plump doesn't have much to do with how strong you are. Fast, maybe. Flexible, certainly. But strong? I know plenty of fat women who are strong as hell, and a whole lot more thin women who need both arms and a back brace to lift their own suitcases.

    (On a somewhat related note: my husband came home today and stood in the bathroom with his shirt off, frowning at himself in the mirror. When I asked what was the matter with him, he said he was getting fat. Since we're the same height and I weight twenty-five pounds more than him, you can imagine how well that went over. Self-perception is weird).

  5. Aebhel - I've never seen whatsisname, but considering your size, if he's a guy your height and he's 25 pounds less... wouldn't he be invisible from the side?

    I am strong, no question, but I think I often use a lot of that strength just to lift myself. Carrying heavy things up stairs, for instance, would be a lot easier if I wasn't carrying the heavy thing plus forty pounds of fat.

  6. He is skinny as hell, which is what makes it so annoying when he goes on about gaining weight-- 'oh, waah, I'm all the way up to 120, THE HORROR.'

    I don't know--I think, generally, that unless we're talking about the extremes muscles adapt to the weight they have to carry. So, for example, if you lost 40 pounds, you'd also lose the extra muscle you were using to carry it around.

  7. I see 110 and think "you'll starve to death!" but, you know, I'm 5'11", which makes a difference.

    I think there's a genetic factor too - I don't think anything I do will stop me being skinny.

    What I really hate, even though it doesn't affect me, is tiny little girls saying "Oh God, I'm so fat." Because they aren't, and they've just made the girl behind them who's 30 pounds heavier than they are feel like crap.

  8. Aebhel - Kind of? But I know that I'd also reduce my body fat percentage by losing weight, which means that I'd have proportionately more muscle even if I lost some.

    ...Wait, that's terrible math. Um. Anyway.

    Sara - I'm 5'2", so 110 would be svelte but by no means unhealthy.

    (I once worked with a woman who was 6 feet tall and seemed thin as a rail. Turned out she weighed 200 pounds. Height just makes that much difference.)

  9. "Strength" is not a simple or linear quality. Suffice it to say there's a very good reason Olympic weightlifters tend to have little bodyfat and powerlifters tend to be toting a gut around, and most of it has to do with strength-to-mass ratio, with coordination and flexibility throwing in the rest.

    But if you want the very most total pounds moved from one place to another, bet on the giant fat guy.

  10. love the post - well expressed ... and (for what it's worth) i think you look pretty good as you are now, but hey, if losing weight will make you feel better then go for it!

    I've managed to lose around 90lbs (42kgs) over the last 2 years (still got more to go though) and it has certainly made some things easier - but as you said, "doesn't fix everything".

  11. I have a friend who is 5'2"-ish. She went down to 110lbs once, and I was worried for her. She lost her tits, her ass, her hips, the fat in her cheeks, she didn't look healthy anymore. Her body was all out of propotion, she looked like an amine character.

    This is not to say you will look the same, but that everyone wears their weight differently.

    Also, you are NOT fat (only in my dreams will I ever look like you!). I am fat! Frankly, my all time giddy goal of weight loss would be 40 lbs over the 'recommended' weight for my height of 5'9"!

    You, dear woman, are plump. That 40lbs over you are talking about is likley part mucsle, if you are just going by weight...

    You seem to have very healthy reasons for wanting to change, like being stronger, fitter, so I say good for you! It's not easy, so I commend you for doing it. Good luck getting to your goal!

    Though, what the hell does it say, if a woman that looks as good as you do thinks she's FAT? Makes me shiver to think what society thinks of a woman like me that actually is fat...

  12. Labrat - I think the difference is between an activity where I just have to lift a weight, and an activity where I have to lift a weight plus myself. And, of course, activities like climbing or running where I move only my own weight, which are the ones that really make me feel like a weenie right now.

    Julie - Congratulations on your weight loss!

    Maja - Well, 110 is what I'd get from a hypothetical magic "cure." In reality I think I'd bottom out at 125 or 130, I'm a pretty sturdy-framed little critter.

    I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I'm sorry if I did, I'm really only talking about my thoughts on my own body. I don't think being fat is bad--I just think it isn't easy.

  13. I had it in my mind to write something insightful here, but others have pretty much said it. At least the parts about your weight. OK, you are a bit bigger than society insists you "should" be, but I personally think you are quite attractive physically.

    More important to me is that you are intelligent, communicate well, have a wicked imagination and can be very funny. I'll admit that I'm over-40, but those things are much more important in a woman than whether you look like a model. If you have a killer smile I'd certainly be smitten...which would really piss my wife of nearly 20 years off!

    If you want to loose the weight for you, then do. (And it sounds like that is what you are doing.) There are plenty of guys out there, normal and/or bent the way you like, who will think you are gorgeous either way.

    You seem beautiful as you are, to me, and now my shallow-sounding comments are done.

  14. I majored in nutrition and the quick-calculation method for ideal weight would give you a healthy weight range of 109 to 121 lbs. Of course that scale is completely flawed (my healthy weight range is 160 to 196 lbs. and the only time I ever weighed less than 200 lbs. was after a raging infection and a week-long hospital stay--I looked like a guest at Dachau).

    The most important thing is that you're happy with yourself. That's hard for everyone (and doubly so for women) when the media is constantly telling us that we aren't beautiful if we don't look like underwear models. Good luck with the weight loss, but don't push yourself too hard or beat yourself up over it. You look great and (from what I've read here) you've got a wonderful personality, so it's not like you're in dire need of self-improvement. :)

  15. Chuck - Well, for your wife's sake, let's say that I have a really awkward squinty smile. (Happy now, Mrs. Chuck?)

    Brock - That does sound low--at 140 I looked barely chubby and at 130 my mom (who's my height) is downright svelte. Still, add wiggle-room as we will, 170 ain't it either.

    Thanks for the encouragement. :)

  16. Holly-

    Are any of these the photos you redacted this past Sunday? If so, we're still dying to see those!

    That bottom looks deeeeelish.

  17. William - The, uh, deeeelish bottom is the photo I redacted in a fit of (now regrettable, but oh well) touchiness.

  18. Fat tits? Tits are by definition mostly fat. They look fine to me.
    I'm no fan of the obese. I can't stand counting ribs on a woman, though--makes me want to cook for her (shit, I do that anyway). I like women. Real ones.

  19. I apologize if I made you think I was calling you fat when I said your butt photo was "not your prettiest photo." I was referring to the lighting and the fact that, from that angle, it looks as if your body stops at your butt---I don't think any person of any weight would look good (to me) under those conditions.

    I feel bad about this because I do find you sexy in your "Picasso face" photo. I also like your hair and what I can see of your body in that photo you took of yourself with the fire cup mark. You should get someone to take a photo of your entire body from the back.

  20. Holly, you look fantastic. End of discussion!

  21. My lover just went back to NJ today. We hadn't seen each other in nearly a year (she's been living in Beijing) and we've both been working out.

    She's put on, oh, 30 lbs of weight over the last year, moving her up to ~175#. But that involved dropping 15 pounds of fat and adding 45 pounds of muscle. Needless to say, she looks fucking awesome at 175, where she was, well, still lovely at 145, of course, but less put together.

    And she can out deadlift me, at 250#, even with me working out over the last year too. But that's ok, I'm pretty sure she's never going to catch my bench press. :D

    So, uh, basically what I'm trying to say is, "the scale only tells a portion of the story". And it may not even be half.

  22. If that is a fat arse I have no idea what you'd call some of the women I've seen nekkid...

    You know, for someone who (rightly) hates Cosmo, you seem to have fallen for their "this is what your body should look like" crap...

  23. Holly - you're (probably) right. Being 110 lbs does not take away all of your life problems or insecurities. I weigh less than 110 lbs, and end up hearing that I'm not a "real" woman because "real" women have more meat on their bones....So I'm deeply insecure about my size, too. And my money/family problems don't go away just because I'm not "fat". And I would much rather be able to lift the 5 gal water bottle on to the cooler by myself than HAVE TO ask for help.