Monday, October 18, 2010

Cosmocking: October '10!

More from the backlog! Pink cover! Really pink! A woman in a pink dress on a pink background with a pink title! PIIINK! Lauren Conrad! "Own His Orgasm!" I prefer to borrow my orgasms, and give them back when I'm done! "Is He STD-Free? How to Check!" Oh no Cosmo no Cosmo no!

A new study from the University of Texas at Austin found that women begin to crave more adventurous sex starting at age 27 (and continue to crave it until age 45). Why? Our bods want us to get pregnant before we hit menopause.
Apparently having children before age 27 confers no evolutionary advantage. Also, the social and psychological effects of aging--the reduction in youthful inhibitions, added life and sex experience, the probability that you're in a long-term relationship--are unworthy of consideration. But most importantly, always remember to never draw any lines between your data and the part where you just make stuff up.

A new study from the University of Holly at Somerville found that women who bathe with soap have less body odor than women who bathe with cheese. Why? Cavewomen produced a counter-odor to attract cavemen after they'd bathed in cavecheese.

SEXY: Couples who swim together
SKANKY: Couples who swim together

Yes, it says this. I don't even... I assume it's a typo... or it's just too darn subtle for me? I don't even know.

Guys used to be the providers and protectors, but now, more women than men are graduating from college, which leads to women earning more, having more confidence, and demanding more from a boyfriend. In other words, just footing the bill doesn't fly these days. Women want an emotional partner and are encouraging guys to talk feelings... which can leave men insecure, since they have no guidelines or role models to look to.
You know what would make me insecure? Knowing that my partner was only with me because she depended on me for her quality of life or even survival. I would always wonder if she even liked me or if I was just a tolerable meal ticket. Dating someone who doesn't need me is a wonderful reassurance that they want me.

Also I am having difficulty with the statement that when men are asked to be emotional, this is so new and terrifying that it upsets their emotions.

If you need to vent your worries, blab to [friends and family] or a professional, and take a pass on turning your guy into your therapist because, as ["sexpert"] says, "you shouldn't look for your partner to fix you."
Yes, no one who loves you and shares their life with you would want to be bothered with your annoying little emotions. Don't bring your petty little woman troubles to him when he has important business on his mind, like Sputnik and Eisenhower and how to make cars that look even more like gigantic shiny rocketships.

How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy
Ooh, ooh, I know this one! The answer is not to make your life into a single-minded quest to find The One who will Complete You and get him to Commit and work out a strict timeline for reaching--nay, achieving--the Happiest Day Of Your Life!

...that's not the answer, is it.

You should not be asking yourself or your friends "How do I know he's The One?" because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't.
Well, except orgasms exist.

Don't get me wrong; I believe in love. Love is joyous, beautiful, sustaining, magical. Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. But you know the other cool thing about love? Love is abundant. There's no The One; there's thousands of people you might come to love and who might come to love you, and that love is no less true. Every potential lover is imperfect and different and many of them are wonderful.

Maybe true love is like an orgasm, in the sense that you know it when you've got it, if not in the sense that I once had one just from having my ear licked. But the idea that there's a The One out there is less likely than vampire unicorns.

Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused
[...]Wake up 10 minutes early so you have time to put away your hair dryer and makeup, hang up any rejected outfits that usually end up on the bedroom floor, and make your bed.


I also like how even my clutter is painfully stereotypically feminine. Because ladies don't do anything all day but lady around. Also apparently I routinely try on and reject outfits, even though they're my own outfits that I already had in my closet? Huh.

Men appreciate personal info like we appreciate perfume: a whiff is all we need. TMI and we're choking on the stench.
In the early days, you were full of intriguing secrets. We loved discovering your likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies. Passion thrives on mystery, so don't show us all your cards.

Apparently passion thrives on me not being a complete human being, or at least not where my partner can see. I always thought my "personal info" was what made me interesting--I'm pretty drab-looking until you hear about how I live my life--but apparently that's out of keeping with this issue's theme of "Don't Bother Your Man With Your Boring Ol' Humanity."

Q: My boyfriend says he's not into receiving oral sex, but I thought guys loved it. Is he lying because he thinks I'm bad at it?
A: The best thing you can do is reassure him that you do get pleasure from going down on him by moaning and telling him how good he feels in your mouth or how much it turns you on to taste him. [...]say that you'd love to change his mind about oral sex, and suggest he whisper directives like harder/softer, faster/slower, and more/less pressure until it feels just right.

Well, whatever you do, for God's sake don't listen to him and believe him and respect his preferences. You're sleeping with "guys," right, not this particular guy, so it's important not to let him step out of line.

Q: My guy is convinced that most women are physically incapable of orgasming every time. I finish about half the time, but he seems to think he has no control over the situation and it just happens randomly. I've tried telling him that I could orgasm more if we worked on it, but he won't. What can I do to get him to start worrying about pleasing me?
A: You can help with this, but you're not going to do it by suggesting the two of you "work" on it. That is a word that turns guys on as much as "castration" or "Mom." Instead, you need to show him that you could orgasm more and that he'll have a hell of a lot of fun making it happen. The best way to do that may be to masturbate in front of him.

The problem with your asshole boyfriend, you see, is that you just aren't coddling him enough. How dare you. If you must have needs of your own (you selfish castrating mother harpy), at least make sure you only express them by providing even more smiling undemanding sexual entertainment for him.

Forget that paper seat cover in a public bathroom and squat instead ([burns] 5 calories).
I work, as I've mentioned, in an emergency room. I use the patient bathrooms. I sit on the goddamn toilet seats. These toilet seats can be reasonably assumed to have Ebola, anthrax, and the Black Plague, and you know what? Nothing bad happens to me, because my ass has intact skin and an immune system. Seriously people.

Also, 5 calories is equivalent to 0.023 ounces of body fat. SQUAT YOURSELF THIN.

"I found out that my boyfriend of more than a year was cheating on me with a girl he'd met on Facebook. He'd logged in on my laptop a few times, and his password was automatically saved on my computer. I signed into his account and changed the word "women" to "penises" in his favorite Dumb and Dumber quote: "Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano..."
Wow! Take that! You really showed him! He'll be totally reeling from that totally ballsy crazy revenge scheme! Talk about getting even!


  1. To be fair, they have a single valid point, though I think it is by accident.

    You really shouldn't turn your SO into your therapist, and expect them to be able to help. In all likelihood they aren't qualified for this, and even if they are, they are far too close to the situation.

    That doesn't mean "don't talk about your worries", but it does mean that your SO can't really replace a therapist if you're in need of one.

    I don't really think that this was the reason that they made that point though.

  2. And hovering over the toilet is bad for your bladder. I think I'll hang on to my 5 calories and just SIT THE HELL DOWN.

  3. "Also apparently I routinely try on and reject outfits, even though they're my own outfits that I already had in my closet? Huh."

    Well, my 9yo daughter does this, but she's still trying to find her style. I expect that this will pass as she discovers what she likes/dislikes in her outfits.

  4. And really folks, if Holly "smack me harder" Pervocracy has faith in the intactness of her ass skin, so too should you.

  5. Now, if I for some reason had to put my tits on the toilet seat, that might be a problem.

  6. I tend to fall for a boy because he understands me, knows all my weird habits and horrible secrets, and knows how to comfort me when I'm upset. But Cosmo girls (if they're doing it right) never let a guy see their passions or worries or habits or secrets., exactly, will they know when they've found that mystical One?

    Tangent: I try on and reject outfits on occasion - some days my ass just won't cooperate with the look I'm trying to achieve. But the vast bulk of my apartment mess consists of books, food packaging, sex toys, and art paraphernalia.

    Tangent The Second: I fucking hate how Cosmo dangles all these bizarre ideas about health in our faces. Gossiping is good for you! Fidgeting burns marginally more calories than sitting still! Touching your face will give you acne!

    Life is hard enough. I don't need to fill it with goals like "Must fidget more" and "must treat my own face like it's coated in poison."

  7. To be fair, which is ludicrously unnecessary when it comes to Cosmo, guys don't really have many role models that aren't total tools. How many male role models can you think of who are empathetic, honest, and decent people? Who admit to having, like, emotions and stuff?

    Though of course, Atticus Finch remains the ideal human being and ultimate role model.

  8. I'm sorry, if someone says 'women can't come every time,' you don't need to work on it, you need to DTMFA. There are plenty of single guys with, you know, a basic grasp of human anatomy and the concept of 'reciprocity.'

    Aaron-- why do role models have to be segregated by gender? I'm female and my life goal is to become Lord Byron. But I do understand what you mean about the lack of non-toxic models of masculinity: there's the Stoic Provider Person Possibly In A Suit, the Manly Grr Dude Who Smashes Stuff, and the Beer/Pot/Playstation/Blowjobs Douchebag Man-Child.

  9. Holly, if I had never read anything else you had ever written, I'd love you just for the toilet seat comment. Sit the fuck down, you nasty skanks (not you, Holly. The "Hoverers"). You know why women have to hover over toilet seats? Because other women try to do some mid-air trapeze act and levitate above the bowl like one of the Flying fucking Wilendas and pee all over the seat and then they're too big of a fucking pig to clean it up. I'm short. I'm round. I have a bad back. I couldn't hover over a toilet seat if someone paid me to and every time I sit down on a toilet and get a wet ass I want to find the bitch that doesn't have the bathroom manners of a babboon and kick her in her fucking crotch...(but I'm not bitter)

  10. Whenever people talk about finding 'The One' all I can think of is this song - by Aussie comedian Tim Minchin.


  11. I'm wondering if there's nudge-wink quotemarks or italics or something missing from the SKANKY: Couples who swim together.

  12. "Q: My boyfriend says he's not into receiving oral sex, but I thought guys loved it. Is he lying because he thinks I'm bad at it?
    Well, whatever you do, for God's sake don't listen to him and believe him and respect his preferences. You're sleeping with "guys," right, not this particular guy, so it's important not to let him step out of line."

    I hate that Im' even thinking it but...I gotta sorta kinda side with Cosmo on this one. I've "dated" a lot of dudes. A whole lot of dudes. I've never met one that claimed he wasn't into oral. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I think it's pretty unusual. hell, truth be told, unless the guy I'm with is really incredibly skilled, I'm not all that into receiving oral. Anyway, I know it's possible that a guy may not really enjoy it, and that's fine. But, if the GF is interested in giving, I think a conversation does need to be had. She shouldn't pressure him or insist but I do think it would be a good idea to let him know that she really does enjoy it, that she's not doing it just to please him (I'd much rather give than receive {except for with Mr. Special Skills}). I'm sure there are guys out there with hang-ups, just like women, who think the GF couldnt' possibly be enjoying giving head and that she's just humoring him or that it is somehow degrading to her. If she really enjoys giving I don't see any reason not to at least start a conversation and let him know that his boundries will be respected but that she really wants to do it because she enjoys it and that he shouldn't feel like he has to say no to head in order to save her the trouble of doing it.

  13. I'm pretty sure you disagree with Cosmo, June. They're not suggesting "have a talk about you enjoying giving him oral while letting him know that his boundaries are respected." They're suggesting "give him oral despite his express wishes and also if he doesn't love oral it's because ur doin it rong, not because of different bodies or kinks or anything silly like that." A fairly important distinction, one would think.

  14. "Maybe true love is like an orgasm, in the sense that you know it when you've got it, if not in the sense that I once had one just from having my ear licked."

    To be honest, when I fell in (real, true) love, it was like being struck by lightning. It actually is kind of like an orgasm in that sense: you just know it when it happens. For me, it was eye contact and I knew. Bam. So yeah - that's how you know.

  15. Holly said... Now, if I for some reason had to put my tits on the toilet seat, that might be a problem.

    Next time I see you I'm putting your tits on the toilet seat.

  16. @Ozy: Word. Yes, there are times I can't come--stress, tiredness, and booze can create blocks for me once in a while--but it's up to me to make that call. My BF, unlike the guy in this article, will give it the old college try unless I actually tell him, "Hey, that feels great but I just don't think it's gonna happen tonight. Let's cuddle."

    But that would be communication, and therefore forbidden according to the Word of Helen Gurley Brown.

  17. "I'm pretty sure you disagree with Cosmo, June. They're not suggesting "have a talk about you enjoying giving him oral while letting him know that his boundaries are respected." They're suggesting "give him oral despite his express wishes "

    Ozy, turns out you're right. I must have skimmed the first time I read it and missed the fact that while they did sort of recommend having a convo with him, they recommended doing it with his cock in your mouth (which is also as hard as going to a dentist that wants to chat during a root canal)

  18. One thing I'll say for Cosmo: At least when they're sexist, they're sexist equally. In the sense that in Cosmo, NO ONE is supposed to be an individual, EVERYONE is just a guy or a girl. (Note: This is not real praise.)

  19. June-- to be fair, the conversation they suggest having is mostly "mmmmmmmmmm" on your part, which is totally possible to do with a cock in your mouth. Not particularly informative, but very possible.

    candacis-- I'm pretty sure that Cosmo is actually porn for non-communication strict-gender-roles fetishists.

  20. @ June ... My husband used to not like blowjobs. He said they felt ticklish in a squirmy, make-it-stop sort of way. The way I changed his mind was not by insisting on going down on him anyway, despite his express wishes to the contrary and his uncomfortable body language. I let him be for a long time - maybe two or three years - as the serious sexual hang-ups his religious upbringing gave him slowly dissipated. Then one day it came up naturally, and he was willing to give it another try and he liked it. And he has liked it, quite a bit, ever since.

    That it turned out to be "all in his head" doesn't mean his physical discomfort with it wasn't genuine at the time. And if he had continued not to like it, well, there's not much point in giving a blowjob that makes the recipient uncomfortable. There's too much other fun stuff you can do to waste time doing something you think you're supposed to like but actually don't.

  21. the last time my partner wanted me to 'fix her', I got my tool box, sat it in her line of sight. Examined her in extreme detail. Told her I didn't have the tools to remove the cover plates, there were 'no user serviceable parts inside' thus I'd have to 'Refer repair to a qualified technician' though I could still handle the 'Servicing' part.

  22. The oral sex thing really pisses me the fuck off because as a female-bodied person, I HATE receiving oral sex. It's like the worst sort of crying/shame-filled trigger (I don't know where that comes from) combined with severe full-body neuropathy. No one--and I mean NO FUCKING ONE has ever believed me when I said I don't like it. I'd get this same sort of crap like Cosmo is spouting over and over--"You must not have ever had anyone who was very good at it; just let me try, I'll convince you."

    More than once I had someone just spring it on me even after I'd reiterated my position many times. One minute I'd be receiving very pleasurable manual stimulation with someone kneeling between my legs, face close to the area because, you know, vision is important, and the minute I'd tip my head back and BAM SURPRISE HORRIBLE ORAL.

    I think the pressure on female people to enjoy receiving oral is even greater than for male people (intersex people, as is often the case, are ignored in this paradigm). It's supposed to be this big fucking treat someone gives you--"Oh baby, I love you so much that this Valentine's Day, I'm going to forestall penetration for a few minutes, since obviously all vagina-having people hate receiving penetration, and give you oral. Then you will love me forever and never leave me."

    There's also one particularly strangle-worthy group of the oral rapists. (And surprising someone with a sexual activity they've actively asked you not to do is definitely rape by any reasonable standards--I've actually done this to someone once myself (with rimming, if you must know), and now that I know better, I know there's no way to ever make it right or excuse it.) The group that really makes me tear my hair out is the submissive-identified men who do this. In my mind, their internal monologues go like this:

    "I couldn't possibly be violating anyone, because I'm a submissive! It's an act of service, so how could you possibly refuse it?! I'm not like those other men who feel so entitled and go around raping people; I'm a soft and sensitive type! Sometimes I even wear women's underwear! People who wear women's underwear are ipso facto incapable of being rapists because, uh, women! Or something! Also, I have a ponytail! No rapist ever had a ponytail!" etc. etc. etc.