Last night Rowdy and Sprite and I went to a class on takedown and restraint--basically, how to use wrestling moves (and institutional restraint methods that, hilariously, I already knew from work) to take someone down and hold them down with your bare hands.
It was stupidly fun. Some in the kinky "now we could torment you or fuck you and what could you do?" sense, and some just in the "fun play wrestling" sense. A lot of kink has that overlap for me, between what's a hot sticky turn-on and what's just fun. Even if I had no intrinsic desire for violent sex, I'd still want a partner I could wrassle with on occasion.
But if I weren't a pervert, I wouldn't have been in that class in the first place. The class was organized by a kinky group, advertised on a kinky website, taught by a kinkster, and held in a kinky playspace. It would be damn difficult for a vanilla person to find out that class existed. Vanilla couples who wish to wrestle each other--and they do, right?--must do it without the benefit of professional instruction on how to to the Sexy Full Nelson and Sexy Armbar. (And yes, the Sexy CPI Control Position.)
It all reminds me of Bruno's spectacularly on-the-money quote about model trains:
Kinky sex is a hobby like model train building -- people labor for years in their basements to get good at it, and though most people don't want to hear about it, other aficionados happily visit to check out their work. Vanilla sex is like running -- it doesn't take much equipment, it's supposed to come naturally, it gets harder as we age, and it's socially approved, but few people really work at it.
Where do people who don't have any freaky fetishes go for sexual education and community? I guess the answer really is, nowhere. (I guess swingers' clubs come close, but they're focused on non-monogamy, not just sex in general.) If you're an ordinary average person, you don't really have a venue for talking about sex the way kinksters do. It's just sort of taken for granted.
I guess the problem is that it's hard to organize a club that could include practically everyone. It's like trying to hold a meeting of the People With Feet Society. If you're unlucky some hardcore foot freaks show up first and scare off everyone else; if you're lucky you just have a giant unruly mob with little in common and no set agenda. Most attempts at sexual community centers seem to be unlucky, and they become de facto kinky community centers.
I would like to teach ordinary people how to sexy-wrestle. I think they'd enjoy it, and it would make their home sexy-wrestling safer and more creative. But I don't know where to advertise the class and I don't know where to hold it.
Then again, I would also like to teach ordinary people how to use a singletail and how to do suspension bondage, because I really honestly think they'd enjoy it how could anyone not? so maybe my concept of "ordinary" needs work.
Babes in Toyland and their ilk of woman-friendly sex shops have a ton of mainstream classes/workshops. That's the most likely audience for the type of class you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteI'm scared that the answer is that if you're an ordinary person, you get educated on sex through Cosmo and the like. I mean, I have no idea. I don't know what average is. The tips in Cosmo strike me as being ridiculous but maybe that really is what the mainstream is looking for! (I like to think the mainstream is more enlightened than that, but I still run into a scary number of people who can't figure out what lesbians do in bed together or who think only boys masturbate and that if a guy in a relationship does, he's cheating, so maybe I am overestimating people's abilities.)
ReplyDelete--Andy
Learning about vanilla sex? Start with educational sites - could name a few - then move onto sex blogs to gain individual insights. Meet interesting people online and chat. Cultivate trusting friendships with like-minded people and share knowledge. Some where along the way find a friend/s and/or partner/s that are willing to experiment. It's quite possible to learn heaps :-) Thanks for your contribution! Glad things are working out well for you. :-) Candice
ReplyDeleteNow, I have never been to a swingers' club, but I have heard that a subset of the people who go to these events go there to have sex with their own partner, and to see other people have sex. So you don't have to be exactly nonmonogamous to go. Exhibitionism/voyeurism are still kinks, but they are not wild freaky kinks.
ReplyDeleteAFAIK my friends are pretty much ordinary and average, which is why I talk about sex online.
ReplyDeleteUntil the Internet came along, there was a pretty limited supply of accurate and non-judgmental information, typically limited to things like "The Kinsey Report" or "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex*"(http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Always-Wanted-Know-About/dp/0312976569/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1287754834&sr=8-2). Aside from sneaking those, word of mouth was how most people learned about sex, and you can only imagine some of the foolishness that was passed along.
ReplyDeleteNow that we have the Internet, people can actually explore the topic and get useful information about their particular interests and not have to face the "Mrs. Grundys" of the world who sniff and look down their nose at those with behaviors that differ from what SHE thinks is acceptable.
The Kinsey Report is the right answer, I'm pretty sure.
ReplyDeleteAt least, my grandmother tells hilarious stories of my mom sneaking out of the house to go read the Kinsey Report with her best friend and gossip about the information.
Porn. Especially now.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, we're probably as vanilla as you can imagine, and even we do a little wrestling now and then. My wife doesn't like it too often, or says she doesn't; she says it's like wrestling with an octopus.
She's trained in CPI restraints, but those don't work on people who are bigger than you . . . and she doesn't have the zhoo-zhitsu.
;)
I so know the feeling you expressed in the last paragraph, Holly.
ReplyDeleteWhen you go see a really good movie, or eat at a really good restaurant, or read a really good book, you're allowed, even encouraged, to wax enthusiastic about it to my friends. But then there's this other stuff we pervs do, and it makes me happier than any of that stuff, and I want to tell everybody I know "Dude, you gotta try this!"... but I know most of them wouldn't understand or appreciate it, so I keep silent.
Sometimes, talking to vanilla-folk a day or so after a particularly wonderful scene, they ask what I've been up to and I don't tell them, and it leaves me with this irrational feeling of guilt. Like I have a big box of cookies that I'm supposed be sharing with all the other kids, but instead I've hidden them and kept them all for myself... and I know most of them don't want me to share, but this doesn't help me shake the feeling that I'm cheating them, somehow.
(Er, "...to your friends". Damned editing glitches.)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun night out with friends :) Bruno's analogy was right on too...I have a bunch of hobbies that I am passionate about and devote a lot of time/energy to, but no one else in my life really wants to hear about it/understand it, but I adore my fellow hobbiests and really do get a sense of community from the others who share my pursuits. I think everyone really needs to get that from something other than their family or primary relationships...it's just healthy.
ReplyDeleteI like your semi-rhetorical question about where do people go for education and community when it comes to sex? I'd saw that the first commenter was onto something with women-friendly sex shops...there are some really awesome places that put on an array of workshops that cater to a wide range of sexualities/"flavors" in a safe, sex-positive atmosphere, but these are usually in bigger cities. Maybe college Womens' Centers...
I would like to teach a class on how to walk/move in heels...it's soooo sexy if you do it right, but those packs of college freshmen tottering around awkwardly in shoes that are way above their newbie abilities make me cringe ;)
Um... What a jerk that guy is. Taking from their analogy:
ReplyDeleteRunning doesn't come naturally. You have to train your body up to it, learn techniques and tricks to keep yourself going even when it doesn't seem like it's worth it, and train for years to do running that people - and especially YOURSELF - are actually impressed with. You can say you run as a hobby, but few real runners will be much pleased to run as your partner if you present yourself as being such an expert, yet can't keep up at all. On top of that, while you may get mild social approval, you get none of the personal satisfaction or joy out of it that you would if you actually did do it.
And some people are just better at dancing than running or model-train-building.
Seriously, what the ever living? If you don't want people to judge you for your sex life, don't demean me for mine. I'm not less-interested in sex, less fulfilled, or more hung-up than anyone else: I just do it differently.
I thought that was the entire point.