Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Two Most Fatuous Conversations I Had In The Hospital.

Doctor: "I see you have this rash here, it looks like an allergic reaction."
Me: "I've had that on and off since I got sick."
Doctor: "Do you have any pets at home?"
Me: "I have guinea pigs. But I've had them for years and this rash started exactly the same time my fever did."
Doctor: "Look, I can't force you to get rid of your pets, I'm just saying..."

Nurse: "Any questions before we discharge you?"
Me: "How can I avoid giving this to my boyfriend?" [slight simplification of truth]
Nurse: "Stay away from him!"
Me: "Well yeah, but..."
Nurse: *laughing* "ABSTINENCE, GIRL!"
Me: "Forever?"
Nurse: "...Um, no. For about two weeks or til you feel better."

(Same nurse: "You're not working or going to school right now, right?" What, do I have a particularly unemployed-looking face?)

So at least the nurse eventually gave me useful information. I cannot say the same of that doctor. He's the same one who wanted to keep me in the hospital an extra day just so they could do another blood test, and it took considerable debating and heel-digging-in to point out that I could just come in and get my blood drawn without needing to spend the other 23.75 hours in storage for their convenience.


  1. At least no one tried to tell you that you wouldn'tve caught mono if you were thinner. (speaking from experience...not mono in that case but adult chicken pox. i guess being too fat for the other kids to like in kindergarten caused the problem.)

  2. Anon - I've gotten that for other medical problems. (Particularly my asthma, which started after I had whooping cough. But it's a stereotypical "fat kid disease" so clearly the whole thing with the whooping cough damaging my airway is a total red herring.)

    Mono, however, implies that someone choked back their nausea long enough to actually kiss my lardy lips, so it's harder to play the "you so fat" angle there.

  3. As for not spreading it, avoiding sharing saliver is probably a good idea, I think I got mono from underwashed cups because I got it right after a coworker came down with it.

  4. Ahhh, doctors. Especially ER/hospital doctors. They can be incredibly unhelpful. I escorted a friend of mine to the hospital one day for a fever (the flu was going around our squadron, and she had it bad). After 8 or 9 hours in the waiting room, they called us back and gave her an IV to help with the fever; she finally went to sleep for about an hour. The doctor barged in and woke her up, asked her immediately if she had a headache, and then INSISTED that she have a spinal tap to test for meningitis.

    Yeah. She told him to eat shit.

  5. ZombieCheeze, Your friend showed decorous restraint, in the finest military traditions. If that educated asshat had made me wait 8-9 hours, woke me up, and demanded I submit to a spinal tap, I'd have gone up to 11, and MADE him eat shit!