I hate being "sexy." I'm bad at it--I don't have a "sexy" body, I'm awkward in "sexy" clothes, and I never learned exactly how makeup works. And it just feels wrong to me. When I dress up as conventionally "sexy" as I can, I feel like I'm in an elaborate costume; when I'm in ratty jeans I feel like I'm just myself wearing my clothes.
But I tend to put on at least a half-assed "sexy" costume when I'm trying to meet new guys--I won't go full monty as I can't do that without looking absurd, but I'll at least wear sort of a nice top and some eyeshadow. I tend to assume--stupidly, insecurely, but I keep doing it--that "guys like sexy" and thus I'll endure "sexiness" to snag me a man.
As soon as I get in a relationship, every time, I stop the "sexy" completely. The third date is pretty much the last time you'll see makeup on my face or product in my hair. I just can't keep up the charade.
But, despite appearances, it's not a matter of turning slovenly and complacent. Because while I drop the "sexy," I never drop the sexy. I've never been in a relationship where the sex--or the sexual experimentation and adventure and enthusiasm--dropped off at all. I love fucking, I love finding new ways to fuck, I love talking about sex and being sexual, I love pleasing my partner and oh do I love it when they please me. I may show up to your house with my hair in a hopeless tangle and mustard on my shirt, but I'm still coming there because I want to have insane screaming orgasms with you.
And hell, we both know I'm going to be naked and have my face and hair totally smeared up fifteen minutes after I walk in the door anyway.
I'm still unsure if the conclusion from this is to show up to first dates in my hospital sweatshirt and painting pants. On the one hand, that avoids anyone feeling like they've been bait-and-switched, and it screens for the (minority, but quite extant) awesome dudes who like me better that way. On the other hand, it seems like un-"sexy" clothes can convey the message that I'm not interested in sex, and that's not something I generally want a date to think. Hyperfeminine clothes and behavior may be utterly unappealing to me, but they do seem to send the "dick wanted, apply within" message much more clearly than looking boring and just being sexy inside.
Maybe I should show up in the hospital sweatshirt, but pin on a long explanatory note about how in my perception this is what I wear when I'm horny.
I usually see the dressing up on a first or big date as an indication that meeting this other person is something a bit more special than lounging around in my comfiest of comfy clothes. Making an effort, first impressions, etc etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm still unsure if the conclusion from this is to show up to first dates in my hospital sweatshirt and painting pants. On the one hand, that avoids anyone feeling like they've been bait-and-switched...
ReplyDeleteI would agree with this. Okay, maybe don't wear that particular outfit - it sounds stained and grungy. But wear something clean and well-kept that totally makes you feel like yourself.
Personally, I like being "sexy" sometimes (as long as it doesn't involve pantyhose or high heels - UGH) but my default state is jeans and a t-shirt. When I was single and dating, I would always show up on a first date looking presentable but not dressed up. I'm not gonna try hard to impress a guy until I know he's worth the effort.
How 'bout you wear a t-shirt with a raunchy saying or picture on it? It's a conversation starter, and your date will very quickly deduce your kinktastic nature from that conversation.
Sprite - I never quite got (and I mean this literally, not as "I disagree with") the distinction between "nice" clothes and "sexy" clothes for women, though. It's probably my own fashion-blindness, but I can never tell the difference between "I dressed up classy because I care!" and "I dressed up sexy because look at these curves!"
ReplyDeleteAlso, as little "sexy" as I can manage, there is even less "class." As you are no doubt painfully aware.
That said, I do know that there is a difference between "it's not a traditional style, but I clearly thought about what I would wear" and "mustard on shirt."
Bingo. Not necessarily for the first date, but the pressure I'm feeling and I'm noticing girls and for that matter, younger and younger girls feel to be 'HOT' or 'SEXY'. I'm like, WTF? You're EIGHT!
ReplyDeleteYour duty is NOT to 'BE ATTRACTIVE TO BOYS', it's 'grow up safe and sane and smart and able to decide for yourself if someone is someone YOU like and want to spend time with'. Not blindly attract everyone with a Y chromosome because, um, if you don't or can't, you fail. Or maybe you're teh ghey.
Blech. I just turned my own stomach.
Being Hot and Sexy isn't about make up and traditional cloths. I never wear make up, not even for a date. I don't feel I need it and it makes me uncomfortable. I think being sexy is about being comfortable in your own skin and showing it.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Making it even weirder is the fact that actually being attractive to boys means different things to different boys, but making boys realize you're trying to be attractive to them is a fairly standard uniform. Brain-breaker.
ReplyDeleteI think this entry is pretty much what I was trying to get at in my last comment on the feminism post. Just articulated much better. So...yes, awesome.
ReplyDelete--Andy
To me, the difference between 'nice' clothes/outfits and 'sexy' outfits is :
ReplyDeleteNice: person says "Wow, she looks pretty/cute and aesthetically pleasing."
Sexy: person says "Wow, my dick/pussy is twitching."
Nice clothes imply that the person wearing them cares about themselves and other's because they care about their belongings. Of course, this is an implication, not a fact. Plenty of psychotic asshats wear very nice business suits each day to work.
Sexy clothing implies... fuck, um, it can imply a BAJILLION different things depending on situation/culture/status/gend--AHFUCKIT. *I* wear sexy clothing because I want people to pay attention to me. And sometimes, so that that attention turns into sexytimes.
What is sexy clothes, though? I mean, obviously the short skirt/boobie bra combo is one way to describe it, but I think that cargo pants and a cami can be supersexy. Sometimes it's not the cut of the clothes, but what they say about you or imply about your personality.
Sometimes, clothes are sexy because they represent or are affiliated with you, and you are sexy.
But yeah, try not to wear the mustard-laden shirt on that first date ;)
I had the same problem, more or less, though its less of a problem now. I occasionally dabble in cosmetics and heels and other "girly" paraphrase, but my default look is a grungy/casual mix. It doesn't put off whoever I'm angling to seduce however. I think that's because I always strive to be comfortable, rather than to put on a show for someone else's benefit. When I try to be "sexy", I'm not comfortable and that generally doesn't translate to sexy. When I'm at ease, I'm more open and jovial and THIS translates to sexy. Confidence, not cosmetics.
ReplyDeleteWhich isn't to say that I don't "dress up". But when I do, its because I feel like being theatrical ... which is probably a whole different topic, so I'll just shut up now. Great post as usual, Holly, hope you had a wondering (Slaughter-A-) Turkey Day!
Oh, god, sorry, I meant "paraphernalia", not paraphrase. Stupid spell-check.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents: If you feel sexy in your casual or comfy clothes, you'll be a much better date! While it's fairly common for the first impression to be significant to the level of attraction off the cuff, you being 'you' is far sexier!
ReplyDeleteI understand why you would dress differently for a first date/meeting. First impressions are powerful, and if you're dressed 'sexy' they're more likely to register you as a sexual being. There is kind of a conundrum, though-- immediate disqualification, or false advertising. As they get to know you, what you're wearing probably gets less and less important- they're seeing Holly, instead of hot redhead.
ReplyDeleteI just see it as a form of communication. I may sound like Cosmo, but I do believe in this: I don't have to be SEXY, but I DO have to look like I respect the person enough to put on more than my usual wife-beater and boxers combo. (It's like a job interview: as a boss, you wouldn't want to 'hire' someone who looked like they couldn't care less about the job, and you wouldn't want to work for a boss who obviously appeared not to attempt to impress you in some way.) There are plenty of comfortable, casual options that still look nice enough. It's polite (in my world) to look nice (not necessarily sexy) for a date, especially if you don't know them well.
ReplyDelete(Drives me nuts when I go out with a guy and he shows up in a hoodie, honestly!)
I like a comfortable, clean tank top, and, depending on the weather, a scarf and lady's blazer (or a soft sweater) with dark jeans and sloppy sneakers. It may not be "super classy", nor may it be "super sexy" or "fall-asleep comfy", but it does look nicer, and is more courteous, than your average athletic shorts.
I don't get dressed up. Ever. I feel like it's false advertising. If you don't like my androgynous-through-sheer-laziness self, you probably shouldn't date me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I'm never extremely unsexy. I mean, my clothes aren't stained, I smell OK, my shirt is cute and/or Star-Wars-related, I wear tight pants that show off my ass. That is what you get.
*Checks out Ozymandias' ass*
ReplyDeleteWorks for me!
*checks out perversecowgirl's ass right back*
ReplyDelete*checks out Ozy's and pcg's asses*
ReplyDeleteI tend to wear the same clothes for a date as I would for everyday. Maybe I'll double-check to make sure my shirt is one of the ones that looks good on me (fit, color, etc), but as often I'll just grab whatever's on the top of the stack in my drawer.
However, that everyday attire is slacks, rather than jeans (and I have stuff like polo shirts), so I guess people probably *think* I dress up for dates.
I perform femme, and personally enjoy it. However, I've realized that I don't actually tend to dress "sexy" to meet someone new. I do it more often for myself or people I already care about, because to me it's a fun change from the norm of lounging around in my pj pants.
ReplyDeletePerhaps starting out with presentable normal clothes will weed out the undesirables quicker. And you'd be more comfortable while you did it...
I'm lazy and not good at the whole girly/femme thing either and performing "sexy" has always felt uncomfortable to unnatural to me. I'm definitely a jeans/T-shirt kind of person. Every once in a while I'll get the urge to dress up and go out, but usually to a performance/concert/play and not a social event or date. However, I keenly feel the weight of expectation but have acknowledged it less and less as time goes on. I also regularly spill coffee/food or lab reagents on myself (had to laugh when others confessed to the same!) and generally present myself as the big nerd/dork that I really am, so I'm afraid I disappoint quite a bit in the eyes of the general public.
ReplyDeleteHowever...at home, with my partner, when/where I am comfortable and relaxed, I can confidently do my own version of sexy and never lose interest/creativity in the actual sex part of sexy, like Holly so aptly described. And I have found that anyone who sticks around long enough to get past the public/outer filter tends to be much more fun for real ;)
This is totally why I hate fetish wear. I find it the opposite of sexy. It just seems contrived and generally badly made and everyone wearing it looks so UNCOMFORTABLE, like it's Sunday church-outfit-time. I find it much hotter when someone's wearing what they normally wear.
ReplyDeleteAs a heterosexual-cissexual male, I find makeup and other such things pretentious. I'm not interested in who you are when you're dolled up; I'm interested in who you are when you're not.
ReplyDeleteminor quibble w/ seitzk: that's why *crap* fetishwear and strict "fetish dress codes" are crap. Wearing rubber because you can't go into the nightclub without being "fetishy"? well then, you probably bought it cheap and/or quickly, you're not enjoying it, and {insert seitzk's criticisms here}....wearing rubber because it feels awesome to be spanked while wearing rubber {or insert your appropriate permutation of rubber fetish here}? you probably took the time to do it right (for you) and you're probably feeling charged up enough to exude "sexiness" and look good. Not to mention that "fetishwear generic" usually enforces all the worst unquestioned stereotypes in kink.
ReplyDeleteJust saying. (In defense of us rubberfreaks. And corset nerds. And leather daddies. And...so forth)
Where the hell were you (or someone like you) 30 years ago. Sigh............
ReplyDeleteHigh fives, Leigh Olivia! I saw a ton of sexy, happy people of all shapes and styles at a Fetish Ball. And I'm pretty sure I felt that way too in my latex. :)
ReplyDeleteThere's so much overlap between "nice" and "sexy" clothes that you can't really be blamed for having trouble figuring them out (especially since it also seems like "nice" should make other people think you are sexy, you're just not supposed to look like you tried) but nice clothes don't have to be sexy clothes.
ReplyDeleteNice, for me = cute sweater & dark jeans or knee-length skirt, pretty flats or not-too-high heels. Sweater may have a v-neck. If "nice" outing is a date, this is good, but throw on a scarf or jewelry which fills in the neckline a bit, because it shouldn't look like you want them to look at your boobs, even if you do. When you're trying to look "nice" as opposed to "sexy" it's okay if things are not so form-fitting -- those billowy empire waist tops are allowed, for example. And the weird thing is that this is pretty much exactly my inner monologue when I'm getting ready for dates or really any event where I might find people I want to have sex with that isn't a play party, even though I know "How do I look like I just tried to dress up nice but I just couldn't help being sexy" is a completely convoluted and weird thought process to have. It's like someone tattooed it on my brain in high school when the dating world centered around "how do I convince everyone I'm hot but not a slut" instead of "there are other humans out there whom I like and find sexually attractive, maybe we should get to know each other better" and I mostly panicked and ran away, but couldn't escape lessons on "the rules."
i LOVE dressing up sexy for a date; for me, it makes the date-excitement extend well into the previous week (if there's lingerie-shopping involved)... but then, yeah, OK, i am pretty fetishy about clothes. It can really turn my workday around if i just have on stockings and garter belt instead of tights.
ReplyDeleteThe hard part for me is figuring out what to wear for a date on which we've already agreed I'm going to have my clothes torn/cut off of me. It can't be something i REALLY LIKE, because it won't survive the night!
That is so unrelated to what you are talking about. sorry. Although i think if i showed up in the hospital scrubs, that would be sexy too, because they would definitely be getting shredded.
flightless
And I definitely should have read your Feminism and Sexiness (No More Twisty Faster Is Insane) post before commenting on this one! That was a great post BTW.
ReplyDeleteflightless
This discussion definitely helps me see where the dreaded "no-(wo)man's-land" falls for me. I really LIKE the extreme end of dress up: fetish is fun (and I really like excuses to wear lots of black and/or leather) and I enjoy formal ballroom events with the whole long gown/opera gloves thing, but I loathe and despise the "cute/sexy/fashionable" in between the leather/ball gown and my usual jeans/T-shirt (or yoga pants and a ratty T-shirt, shorts/tank top and flip-flops). But then I HAVE always been drawn to the extremes of things...
ReplyDeleteI have a sister who is the opposite of me in just about every way, including being a naturally fashionable person who has a knack for always having a perfect cute outfit and accessories all of the time. Genetics be damned.
Uh...you're kind of falling into the Cosmo trap you rail against so frequently. You're trying to use your clothes to send nonverbal signals about sex and desire rather than just talking about it. I know from having read this blog all the way back 4 years into the archives now that you certainly do talk about sex--openly, early, and often--with established partners; shouldn't first dates get the same clarity and consideration, though your language might be more careful or tactful?
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, clothes are fucking *complicated* as a women. Clothing got so much easier for me once I transitioned to living as a man. Recently I started toying with doing drag, and all of a sudden I remembered how confusing the whole thing is. Sure, the colors match on these two things, but does the *look* go together? What kind of message am I trying to send? Do I have to choose just one "style" or can I mix and match? AIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!