Showing posts with label sex toy review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex toy review. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sex Toy Review: Our First Bondage Kit!
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The male gaze.
I went to a sex shop with Sprite and Rowdy the other day. We got a couple of fun toys, a large quantity of the high-performance lubricants required to fit Rowdy inside a human, and we spent some quality time walking around the entire store in the Porn Trance, just gawking.
I couldn't help noticing an incredibly common theme: a naked woman means straight sex, while a naked man means gay sex. Lesbian sex--which only exists in porn, not in the toy aisle, where even strapons are marketed only as a "bend over boyfriend" item--is indicated by two naked women. It all makes sense if you assume that only men have eyes.
Being a woman sometimes makes me feel like a toaster that somehow gained sentience. People talk about toasters, they talk about what a toaster does and what a toaster should be, they may even be big fans of toasters, but they don't talk to them.
I see this even in women's magazines. The October issue of Cosmo is sitting on my desk right now and it's full of pictures of women. Not the people women would like to look like--the people women would like to be looked at like. Because only men have eyes.
And then a lot of the copy within Cosmo, as I point out each month, is about what women are like or what women should be like. As if I might not know, otherwise.
Walking around an adult toy store, where male masturbators are labeled with sexy women and clit stimulators are labeled with sexy women, I get the eerie feeling that I'm not supposed to exist. My body is, but me, the part that would rather look at men or butch women? Pfft. Men desire, women are desired, and looking at an idealized version of yourself through male eyes is the sexiest thing a woman can hope for.
Then again, maybe this is practicality. We were there for a couple hours, and the whole time, Sprite and I were the only women in the store. Maybe the demographic reality is that straight men are buying all the clit stimulators. Maybe it's a vicious cycle, or maybe most women wouldn't come into a sex shop anyway.
The small contingent of sex toys that are marketed to women--mostly the upmarket stuff, because the $10 made-in-China junk always has a naked lady--tend to have plain packaging. It's just colors and swirls, or abstract woman-goddess figures, that look more like tampon and douche packaging than like porn. I'm okay with this, actually. I don't need to look at sexy men to pick out a vibrator; I just find it disconcerting to face a giant wall of sexy women, each one of them screaming "this isn't for you, what are you doing here?" Sexy nobody, sexy "hey, you're a grownup, you already know what this is for" packaging suits me just fine.
And I'm waiting with bated breath for the first time I see soothing meaningless blue swirls on a male masturbation toy.
I couldn't help noticing an incredibly common theme: a naked woman means straight sex, while a naked man means gay sex. Lesbian sex--which only exists in porn, not in the toy aisle, where even strapons are marketed only as a "bend over boyfriend" item--is indicated by two naked women. It all makes sense if you assume that only men have eyes.
Being a woman sometimes makes me feel like a toaster that somehow gained sentience. People talk about toasters, they talk about what a toaster does and what a toaster should be, they may even be big fans of toasters, but they don't talk to them.
I see this even in women's magazines. The October issue of Cosmo is sitting on my desk right now and it's full of pictures of women. Not the people women would like to look like--the people women would like to be looked at like. Because only men have eyes.
And then a lot of the copy within Cosmo, as I point out each month, is about what women are like or what women should be like. As if I might not know, otherwise.
Walking around an adult toy store, where male masturbators are labeled with sexy women and clit stimulators are labeled with sexy women, I get the eerie feeling that I'm not supposed to exist. My body is, but me, the part that would rather look at men or butch women? Pfft. Men desire, women are desired, and looking at an idealized version of yourself through male eyes is the sexiest thing a woman can hope for.
Then again, maybe this is practicality. We were there for a couple hours, and the whole time, Sprite and I were the only women in the store. Maybe the demographic reality is that straight men are buying all the clit stimulators. Maybe it's a vicious cycle, or maybe most women wouldn't come into a sex shop anyway.
The small contingent of sex toys that are marketed to women--mostly the upmarket stuff, because the $10 made-in-China junk always has a naked lady--tend to have plain packaging. It's just colors and swirls, or abstract woman-goddess figures, that look more like tampon and douche packaging than like porn. I'm okay with this, actually. I don't need to look at sexy men to pick out a vibrator; I just find it disconcerting to face a giant wall of sexy women, each one of them screaming "this isn't for you, what are you doing here?" Sexy nobody, sexy "hey, you're a grownup, you already know what this is for" packaging suits me just fine.
And I'm waiting with bated breath for the first time I see soothing meaningless blue swirls on a male masturbation toy.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Three Kinds of BDSM toys.
There are three kinds of BDSM toys in this world:
Serious Toys.
These are made out of genuine full-grain kangaroo leather by one guy named Buck who lives in a cabin in Maine and does all the crafting himself while his sub runs the website and mails out the orders.
Pros: The quality is almost always amazing. You're supporting your own community. Nothing else gives you more party cred.
Cons: It's usually insanely expensive. If you're new, don't have much money, or just looking for some casual bedroom play, choosing and buying toys from this kind of vendor can be intimidating and frankly overkill. Buck's e-commerce may be disorganized or nonexistent to the point where tracking him down in person at a convention is the only way to actually get his stuff.
Pervertibles.
These are sold at Home Depot. They think we're going to tie down packages with that rope or hang potted plants with those eyebolts. Tee hee.
Pros: This is the cheapest way to go. There's lots of room to improvise and experiment and play MacGuyver.
Cons: Can be unsafe if you don't know what you're doing. Not every kind of toy can be replicated with Home Depot materials. The MacGuyvering can be a lot of work and require some knowledge to do effectively.
Vanilla-Kinky Toys.
These are sold in regular sex shops. There's a slutty lady on the box and it's mass-produced in China or Mexico or something.
Pros: Far cheaper than the serious toys. Far less work than the pervertibles. Far easier to shop for than either. If you're not a mega-serious hardcore-BDSM player but just want to screw around in the bedroom, probably perfectly adequate.
Cons: You can lose cred with Master Raven Darkclaw types if they find out you got your sex toys at a *pfft* sex toy shop. The quality can be all over the map, from just as good as Buck's stuff to uselessly flimsy. The slutty box-ladies can really wear on you after a while.
Hm. Now that I've said you can't make everything at Home Depot, that feels like a challenge. I bet that between Home Depot and Michael's Crafts, at least... hm.
Serious Toys.
These are made out of genuine full-grain kangaroo leather by one guy named Buck who lives in a cabin in Maine and does all the crafting himself while his sub runs the website and mails out the orders.
Pros: The quality is almost always amazing. You're supporting your own community. Nothing else gives you more party cred.
Cons: It's usually insanely expensive. If you're new, don't have much money, or just looking for some casual bedroom play, choosing and buying toys from this kind of vendor can be intimidating and frankly overkill. Buck's e-commerce may be disorganized or nonexistent to the point where tracking him down in person at a convention is the only way to actually get his stuff.
Pervertibles.
These are sold at Home Depot. They think we're going to tie down packages with that rope or hang potted plants with those eyebolts. Tee hee.
Pros: This is the cheapest way to go. There's lots of room to improvise and experiment and play MacGuyver.
Cons: Can be unsafe if you don't know what you're doing. Not every kind of toy can be replicated with Home Depot materials. The MacGuyvering can be a lot of work and require some knowledge to do effectively.
Vanilla-Kinky Toys.
These are sold in regular sex shops. There's a slutty lady on the box and it's mass-produced in China or Mexico or something.
Pros: Far cheaper than the serious toys. Far less work than the pervertibles. Far easier to shop for than either. If you're not a mega-serious hardcore-BDSM player but just want to screw around in the bedroom, probably perfectly adequate.
Cons: You can lose cred with Master Raven Darkclaw types if they find out you got your sex toys at a *pfft* sex toy shop. The quality can be all over the map, from just as good as Buck's stuff to uselessly flimsy. The slutty box-ladies can really wear on you after a while.
Hm. Now that I've said you can't make everything at Home Depot, that feels like a challenge. I bet that between Home Depot and Michael's Crafts, at least... hm.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Detailed, thoughtful product review.
The nJoy Pure Wand is HOLYFUCKAMAZING.
more later don't feel like typing now oh holyfuck
more later don't feel like typing now oh holyfuck
Monday, July 5, 2010
Foreign bodies.
Please note that this post contains no names, or ages, or identifying details. I'm not even going to specify which states these incidents occurred in, and I will say that none of them were recent. I'm just going to name off some objects and some orifices and you can take it from there, okay?
Chicken wing. Anus. (Claimed they "ate it too fast." Which, if it were true--and my 5th grade understanding of digestion suggests not--is almost worse.)
Pocketknife. Vagina. (Folded. Phew.)
Bic pen. Urethra. (Left in for over a year and only removed when the calcification around it had filled the entire bladder. Also, the cap was on.)
What do these incidents have in common, besides being totally wacky and shocking and producing comedy-gold X-rays? They all could have been prevented by a five-minute consultation with one of the helpful folks at Babeland or a similar establishment. Unlike some of my coworkers, I don't think the crazy part is putting objects in your anus or even urethra--I'm no one to be casting stones and I bet you aren't either--it's using the wrong objects. Sex toys, at least the good ones, are specifically made in materials that can be made clean enough for your body and in shapes that are less likely to damage your body.
Sex toys are also expensive, hard to obtain in rural and/or conservative areas, embarrassing to buy and own, and it's very difficult to get basic education on them unless you really seek it out. Stuff like "silicone is neutral for your body, but jelly rubber has scary chemicals" or "anything that goes in your anus needs a base big enough to keep it from going all the way in"--you don't learn this at school, you don't learn it on TV, you don't learn it from porn, and you don't even learn it from a lot of sex toy sellers! Joe-Bob's Adult Books and Smoke Shop (both the brick-and-mortar and online incarnations) usually carries unsafe toys and sells them with no attempt at education. Joe-Bob is also located in a blacked-out shack in the worst part of town and charges $30 for a lump of poorly-made plastic.
Whereas a cucumber is 50 cents, a tube of Vaseline is a buck, you can get both at the corner Safeway, no one can judge you for having them in your house (unless they're sitting together on the nightstand), and 98% of the time you'll get lucky and have nothing but fun. The other 2% secures your place in The ER Hall Of Legends.
But it's a preventable 2%. Here are my if-I-ruled-the-world recommendations for promoting sex toy safety and sanity:
1) Get rid of sex toy bans. The fact that sex toys are still illegal to sell in Mississippi, Alabama, and Virginia is ridiculous. These are totally inappropriate and intrusive laws.
2) Get rid of zoning regulations that force sex shops to only operate in Outer Shitsville. A sex shop is as basic a need as an auto-parts shop and ought to be as easy to find. Also, if the shops were allowed to operate in nicer areas, they'd be less likely to be intimidatingly skanky in appearance and clientèle, and the stigma in visiting them might be less.
3) Allow or promote the sale of sex toys in non-sex shops. This is already happening to a very small degree with more interesting lube selections and a few non-explicitly packaged vibrators in drugstores, but I'd like to see a lot more options in stores that no one is embarrassed to enter. (What about the children? Put stuff in opaque boxes on high shelves and the only kids who'll catch on are the ones who already know.) Not only would this further reduce stigma, but the competition and mass market might lower prices.
4) Ban the sale of unsafe sex toys. This is kind of a murky thing because there are a lot of toys that are only safe if you know what you're doing, and I wouldn't ban those. (How could I. Really.) But there are some toys that are just low-quality--toys made of toxic or unknown materials, toys prone to breakage or electrical faults, toys sold for anal use with no base or other retrieval method, those stupid numbing anal lubes--and I would ban those outright. Medical device manufacturers face standards on what they're allowed to sell for use inside a human body, and sex toy manufacturers shouldn't be able to play the blatant fiction of "it's just an adult novelty!" and be exempt from regulation.
EDIT: In the interest of avoiding government regulation, this should ideally be done by an independent authority analogous to Underwriter's Laboratories, which does not have the power to ban things per se, but whose approval greatly impacts the market viability of a product.
5) Educate people about sex toy safety. I know this is super politically difficult because sex ed is supposed to be all about responsible and serious things like diseases and babies, and something like sex toys--well, that's just dirty. But abstinence-only sex toy education is about as useful as any other kind of abstinence-only. You can't tell Chicken Wing Dude not to shove things up his ass. That's his thing, and by God it's his right, and anyway he's going to. It would make a lot more sense to point him towards a good buttplug.
I'm not sure if I can go so far as to say this education should happen in the schools (although it really should), but it should at least be more available to adults. If I were In Charge Of Things I would send out free pamphlets on sex-toy safety to every store that sold sex toys and to every primary-care doctor. Go in for your physical, come out with a little packet on "things that are okay and not okay to stick in your special places." Obviously lots of people won't read it or won't follow the recommendations, but it beats the hell out of no education at all.
EDIT: 6) Legalize sale of sex toys to minors. At least the drugstore ones. Masturbation (and experimentation with peers) are not statutory rape, and access to sex toys reduces the risk of kids using inappropriate objects or accepting offers from creeps to buy sex toys for them.
And that's my sex toy utopia. It's a world where people have the access, affordability, destigmatization and education necessary to not get chicken wings stuck up their asses. Or at least not as often.
Chicken wing. Anus. (Claimed they "ate it too fast." Which, if it were true--and my 5th grade understanding of digestion suggests not--is almost worse.)
Pocketknife. Vagina. (Folded. Phew.)
Bic pen. Urethra. (Left in for over a year and only removed when the calcification around it had filled the entire bladder. Also, the cap was on.)
What do these incidents have in common, besides being totally wacky and shocking and producing comedy-gold X-rays? They all could have been prevented by a five-minute consultation with one of the helpful folks at Babeland or a similar establishment. Unlike some of my coworkers, I don't think the crazy part is putting objects in your anus or even urethra--I'm no one to be casting stones and I bet you aren't either--it's using the wrong objects. Sex toys, at least the good ones, are specifically made in materials that can be made clean enough for your body and in shapes that are less likely to damage your body.
Sex toys are also expensive, hard to obtain in rural and/or conservative areas, embarrassing to buy and own, and it's very difficult to get basic education on them unless you really seek it out. Stuff like "silicone is neutral for your body, but jelly rubber has scary chemicals" or "anything that goes in your anus needs a base big enough to keep it from going all the way in"--you don't learn this at school, you don't learn it on TV, you don't learn it from porn, and you don't even learn it from a lot of sex toy sellers! Joe-Bob's Adult Books and Smoke Shop (both the brick-and-mortar and online incarnations) usually carries unsafe toys and sells them with no attempt at education. Joe-Bob is also located in a blacked-out shack in the worst part of town and charges $30 for a lump of poorly-made plastic.
Whereas a cucumber is 50 cents, a tube of Vaseline is a buck, you can get both at the corner Safeway, no one can judge you for having them in your house (unless they're sitting together on the nightstand), and 98% of the time you'll get lucky and have nothing but fun. The other 2% secures your place in The ER Hall Of Legends.
But it's a preventable 2%. Here are my if-I-ruled-the-world recommendations for promoting sex toy safety and sanity:
1) Get rid of sex toy bans. The fact that sex toys are still illegal to sell in Mississippi, Alabama, and Virginia is ridiculous. These are totally inappropriate and intrusive laws.
2) Get rid of zoning regulations that force sex shops to only operate in Outer Shitsville. A sex shop is as basic a need as an auto-parts shop and ought to be as easy to find. Also, if the shops were allowed to operate in nicer areas, they'd be less likely to be intimidatingly skanky in appearance and clientèle, and the stigma in visiting them might be less.
3) Allow or promote the sale of sex toys in non-sex shops. This is already happening to a very small degree with more interesting lube selections and a few non-explicitly packaged vibrators in drugstores, but I'd like to see a lot more options in stores that no one is embarrassed to enter. (What about the children? Put stuff in opaque boxes on high shelves and the only kids who'll catch on are the ones who already know.) Not only would this further reduce stigma, but the competition and mass market might lower prices.
4) Ban the sale of unsafe sex toys. This is kind of a murky thing because there are a lot of toys that are only safe if you know what you're doing, and I wouldn't ban those. (How could I. Really.) But there are some toys that are just low-quality--toys made of toxic or unknown materials, toys prone to breakage or electrical faults, toys sold for anal use with no base or other retrieval method, those stupid numbing anal lubes--and I would ban those outright. Medical device manufacturers face standards on what they're allowed to sell for use inside a human body, and sex toy manufacturers shouldn't be able to play the blatant fiction of "it's just an adult novelty!" and be exempt from regulation.
EDIT: In the interest of avoiding government regulation, this should ideally be done by an independent authority analogous to Underwriter's Laboratories, which does not have the power to ban things per se, but whose approval greatly impacts the market viability of a product.
5) Educate people about sex toy safety. I know this is super politically difficult because sex ed is supposed to be all about responsible and serious things like diseases and babies, and something like sex toys--well, that's just dirty. But abstinence-only sex toy education is about as useful as any other kind of abstinence-only. You can't tell Chicken Wing Dude not to shove things up his ass. That's his thing, and by God it's his right, and anyway he's going to. It would make a lot more sense to point him towards a good buttplug.
I'm not sure if I can go so far as to say this education should happen in the schools (although it really should), but it should at least be more available to adults. If I were In Charge Of Things I would send out free pamphlets on sex-toy safety to every store that sold sex toys and to every primary-care doctor. Go in for your physical, come out with a little packet on "things that are okay and not okay to stick in your special places." Obviously lots of people won't read it or won't follow the recommendations, but it beats the hell out of no education at all.
EDIT: 6) Legalize sale of sex toys to minors. At least the drugstore ones. Masturbation (and experimentation with peers) are not statutory rape, and access to sex toys reduces the risk of kids using inappropriate objects or accepting offers from creeps to buy sex toys for them.
And that's my sex toy utopia. It's a world where people have the access, affordability, destigmatization and education necessary to not get chicken wings stuck up their asses. Or at least not as often.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Objects of lust.
Today is Buy A Sex Toy Day!
I've done bad sex toy mockeries a couple times, so here are some sex toys that sound awesome and that I would love to have.
Posey Restraints
These are the restraints that are used in actual psychiatric hospitals these days, and as such have tremendous cachet. They're also very inescapable, very comfortable, and I think nylon webbing is a cool material and tragically underused in the kink world.
Rock Chick
I want this pretty bad. It's the only insertable I've seen that seems perfectly designed for the way I really masturbate--I don't thrust, I grind, I want things to stay inside me and just wiggle around in there while I rub my clit, and the Rock Chick seems like it would work very very well with my methods.
Rechargeable Impulse Jack Rabbit
I've never tried a rabbit vibrator, and this seems like a regrettable oversight. The idea of the rotary bits churning around inside me seems... promising. (Although I do worry how strong the motor is, because I can clamp down hard--if I can easily stop it with my hand, I don't think it would have a chance against my vagina.) And this one has cool metal-and-orange styling and it has the rechargeable base, which are awesome.
Jaguar Harness
My current strap-on harness is a piece of crap. I don't use it that much, but still, it's embarrassing--it's cheesy "leatherette," doesn't fit well, and doesn't hold a dildo really rocksteady. This harness has none of those problems. It's elegantly sexy, comes in a color other than black (I really love non-black leather and wish black wasn't quite such a universal default for everything kinky), and it looks built for action.
Tsunami Helix Glass Dildo
Another "I never" for me: glass dildos. They're so pretty! And so... unforgiving. I mentioned having a strong vagina? I couldn't be stronger than a hard toy--it would just have its way with me.
Njoy Fun Wand
It's metal. It's big. It's got different shapes on both ends that could do a lot of things. Like a lot. I want it.
Anal Joystick
Okay, embarrassing name, but look at that handle.
nJoy Pure Plug
Man, I started lusting for cold hard toys and now I can't stop thinking about them. But the appealing thing about this plug is that it looks like it would stay in. I have Pelvic Muscles of Doom and tend to shove out mere mortal dildos and plugs when I come, but I'm pretty sure this puppy isn't going anywhere.
Wartenberg Pinwheel
These are so cheap and feel so cool, why don't I own one already? They're capable of such an amazing range of sensations, from a breath-catching little tease to full-on pain like being cut.
Electrosex Silicone Vibrator All-in-One Unit
I'm very curious what non-shocky e-stim is like, and I've heard amazing things, but I've never had the chance to try it with insertables. There's a baffling array of options if you really want to get into different power boxes and accessories, but since I'm neither a millionaire nor an electrical engineer, the all-in-one unit seems very appealing.
Tex Silicone Dildo
Sometimes, man, sometimes I just want a cock.
I've done bad sex toy mockeries a couple times, so here are some sex toys that sound awesome and that I would love to have.
Posey Restraints
These are the restraints that are used in actual psychiatric hospitals these days, and as such have tremendous cachet. They're also very inescapable, very comfortable, and I think nylon webbing is a cool material and tragically underused in the kink world.
Rock Chick
I want this pretty bad. It's the only insertable I've seen that seems perfectly designed for the way I really masturbate--I don't thrust, I grind, I want things to stay inside me and just wiggle around in there while I rub my clit, and the Rock Chick seems like it would work very very well with my methods.
Rechargeable Impulse Jack Rabbit
I've never tried a rabbit vibrator, and this seems like a regrettable oversight. The idea of the rotary bits churning around inside me seems... promising. (Although I do worry how strong the motor is, because I can clamp down hard--if I can easily stop it with my hand, I don't think it would have a chance against my vagina.) And this one has cool metal-and-orange styling and it has the rechargeable base, which are awesome.
Jaguar Harness
My current strap-on harness is a piece of crap. I don't use it that much, but still, it's embarrassing--it's cheesy "leatherette," doesn't fit well, and doesn't hold a dildo really rocksteady. This harness has none of those problems. It's elegantly sexy, comes in a color other than black (I really love non-black leather and wish black wasn't quite such a universal default for everything kinky), and it looks built for action.
Tsunami Helix Glass Dildo
Another "I never" for me: glass dildos. They're so pretty! And so... unforgiving. I mentioned having a strong vagina? I couldn't be stronger than a hard toy--it would just have its way with me.
Njoy Fun Wand
It's metal. It's big. It's got different shapes on both ends that could do a lot of things. Like a lot. I want it.
Anal Joystick
Okay, embarrassing name, but look at that handle.
nJoy Pure Plug
Man, I started lusting for cold hard toys and now I can't stop thinking about them. But the appealing thing about this plug is that it looks like it would stay in. I have Pelvic Muscles of Doom and tend to shove out mere mortal dildos and plugs when I come, but I'm pretty sure this puppy isn't going anywhere.
Wartenberg Pinwheel
These are so cheap and feel so cool, why don't I own one already? They're capable of such an amazing range of sensations, from a breath-catching little tease to full-on pain like being cut.
Electrosex Silicone Vibrator All-in-One Unit
I'm very curious what non-shocky e-stim is like, and I've heard amazing things, but I've never had the chance to try it with insertables. There's a baffling array of options if you really want to get into different power boxes and accessories, but since I'm neither a millionaire nor an electrical engineer, the all-in-one unit seems very appealing.
Tex Silicone Dildo
Sometimes, man, sometimes I just want a cock.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Evil Stick.
Does everyone in Kinkland know about Evil Sticks? I'm not sure if they're a New England thing, because I don't recall seeing any in Seattle. But they're an amazing invention. An evil stick is a tiny innocent-looking little stick made of space-age miracle-composite materials-science *mumble mumble*, and you line it up with someone's skin, bend it all the way back, let it snap out, and... wow. Stings like a motherfucker, stings even more a second later as the welt raises, and the spot will be tender all night. If these are good things to you... Evil Sticks are good things.
And they have a better effort-to-marks ratio than even hickies. I love having marks left on me, but I have the twin curses of strong skin and finicky pain tolerance, so it can be hard for me to pick up major bruises or welts by traditional methods. Evil Sticks are pretty much guaranteed to leave huge beautiful welts every time.
Also, I have heard that if one were to have one's labia Evil Sticked into severe tenderness, and one were then to get fucked like that, and that was one's thing, it would be fucking amazing. I'm not sure why I put that in "one"-ese because I totally mean "me, a little while back", and it was.
And they're only $12.00! Available here! This isn't an ad or anything, I'm just totally enthused. The only payment I received is on my inner thighs right now, and I didn't get that directly from the manufacturers.
It's a little tough to put on jeans in the morning though.
And they have a better effort-to-marks ratio than even hickies. I love having marks left on me, but I have the twin curses of strong skin and finicky pain tolerance, so it can be hard for me to pick up major bruises or welts by traditional methods. Evil Sticks are pretty much guaranteed to leave huge beautiful welts every time.
Also, I have heard that if one were to have one's labia Evil Sticked into severe tenderness, and one were then to get fucked like that, and that was one's thing, it would be fucking amazing. I'm not sure why I put that in "one"-ese because I totally mean "me, a little while back", and it was.
And they're only $12.00! Available here! This isn't an ad or anything, I'm just totally enthused. The only payment I received is on my inner thighs right now, and I didn't get that directly from the manufacturers.
It's a little tough to put on jeans in the morning though.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Extreme Restraints sells very strange things.
Once again, I was going to write a thinky talky post, but then I started browsing Extreme Restraints, and now my "how to reconcile feminism and BDSM" post (it pretty much just came down to "I want BDSM, giving me what I want is feminist thank you") has turned into a "get a load of this" post.
Well, get a load of this. (All links very, very NWS.)
The Head Job Ball Gag
I've seen strap-ons that attach to your thigh. I've seen ones that attach to your chest. I've seen ones for your chin, ones that cover your mouth, and ones to put a second one above a bio-dick. But this... this is new.
It definitely needs to be used with this dildo.
The Bird Cage Chastity Device
The residual nursing-home-worker part of my brain is horrified by this, because it's creating constant pressure points on his glans there, and he'll have skin erosion in like 24 hours if he tries to wear that long-term. Maybe since the penis has lots of circulation and he's able to feel and adjust for problems it'd be okay, but I still worry he's going to end up with a penile decubitus, and that's a search term that leads you to things you don't even want to think about. Turn your penises every two hours, people.
The Fetish Fantasy Super Penetrix Strap-On
First I looked at the second picture and thought "well, that doesn't seem fair." Then I went back to the first picture and thought "oh Jesus, I don't have a hole there!"
Tuggin' Tiger
Can't imagine why this is on clearance.
I'm also really weirded out by the continuing meme that Tiger Woods is the first person to ever cheat on his wife. It's like when Monica Lewinsky gave the first blowjob in history. (I'm also kind of secretly jazzed that according to his text messages, Tiger is a Dom. I mean, cheating, very bad, tsk tsk, but that's kind of hot.)
Silicone Anal Explorer Set
It's a buttplug the size and shape of a finger... that you strap to your finger. In fact, it's not safe to use unless it's on your finger. I feel like there's a middleman we could cut out here.
Locking Wrists to Penis Restraint
If this guy trips he's fucked.
The Rudy Tear-and-Share Cock Rings
I confess I don't know if this is a thing. The "wear it around town to show you want to tear and share!" sales pitch sounds a bit too "jelly bracelets and rainbow parties" to me, but maybe it's a thing and no one told me. Or maybe they're trying to start a thing? The whole concept of a sex toy that seems like an urban legend is blowing my mind.
the cock ring is calling from inside the house
Tall Japanese Drip Candles
This is what's known as the "sex tax." Paraffin candles (and despite what the copy says, paraffin "works with your skin" just fine), bought as candles, cost $0.94. But as soon as you call them sex toys, suddenly it's fourteen bucks.
Brass Snake Cock Plug
This is just exquisitely uncomfortable to look at.
The Pussy Spreader
" We have such sights to show you."
Darby-Style Handcuffs
Since I've been mean this whole post, I just wanted to point out that these are completely awesome and I want them for my birthday. Because dude.
Well, get a load of this. (All links very, very NWS.)
The Head Job Ball Gag
I've seen strap-ons that attach to your thigh. I've seen ones that attach to your chest. I've seen ones for your chin, ones that cover your mouth, and ones to put a second one above a bio-dick. But this... this is new.
It definitely needs to be used with this dildo.
The Bird Cage Chastity Device
The residual nursing-home-worker part of my brain is horrified by this, because it's creating constant pressure points on his glans there, and he'll have skin erosion in like 24 hours if he tries to wear that long-term. Maybe since the penis has lots of circulation and he's able to feel and adjust for problems it'd be okay, but I still worry he's going to end up with a penile decubitus, and that's a search term that leads you to things you don't even want to think about. Turn your penises every two hours, people.
The Fetish Fantasy Super Penetrix Strap-On
First I looked at the second picture and thought "well, that doesn't seem fair." Then I went back to the first picture and thought "oh Jesus, I don't have a hole there!"
Tuggin' Tiger
Can't imagine why this is on clearance.
I'm also really weirded out by the continuing meme that Tiger Woods is the first person to ever cheat on his wife. It's like when Monica Lewinsky gave the first blowjob in history. (I'm also kind of secretly jazzed that according to his text messages, Tiger is a Dom. I mean, cheating, very bad, tsk tsk, but that's kind of hot.)
Silicone Anal Explorer Set
It's a buttplug the size and shape of a finger... that you strap to your finger. In fact, it's not safe to use unless it's on your finger. I feel like there's a middleman we could cut out here.
Locking Wrists to Penis Restraint
If this guy trips he's fucked.
The Rudy Tear-and-Share Cock Rings
I confess I don't know if this is a thing. The "wear it around town to show you want to tear and share!" sales pitch sounds a bit too "jelly bracelets and rainbow parties" to me, but maybe it's a thing and no one told me. Or maybe they're trying to start a thing? The whole concept of a sex toy that seems like an urban legend is blowing my mind.
the cock ring is calling from inside the house
Tall Japanese Drip Candles
This is what's known as the "sex tax." Paraffin candles (and despite what the copy says, paraffin "works with your skin" just fine), bought as candles, cost $0.94. But as soon as you call them sex toys, suddenly it's fourteen bucks.
Brass Snake Cock Plug
This is just exquisitely uncomfortable to look at.
The Pussy Spreader
" We have such sights to show you."
Darby-Style Handcuffs
Since I've been mean this whole post, I just wanted to point out that these are completely awesome and I want them for my birthday. Because dude.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Personal Massager.
The nursing home I used to work at got a ton of healthcare-supply catalogs, and on the night shifts when there was nothing to do I'd leaf through them. Mostly they were products like diabetes socks and grabrails for the bathroom, but each one had a page or two for "intimate care products." One of the catalogs was actually hip and had Natural Contours vibrators and said pretty plainly what they were for.
Most of the catalogs were... not hip. And so you got this:
I think I'm underestimating the hipness of old ladies here, but I always wondered how many people really did use it on their neck. You know someone did.
Most of the catalogs were... not hip. And so you got this:
I think I'm underestimating the hipness of old ladies here, but I always wondered how many people really did use it on their neck. You know someone did.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Labia dye. LABIA DYE!
A little while ago, Quizzical Pussy posted about My New Pink Button, which is labia dye. Because your labia are obviously the wrong color right now.
(Also, her blog is great and you should read it. Srsly.)
It's the sort of thing I would test out, except that it's thirty dollars and it might disfigure my genitals. Fortunately, there's always someone on the Internet willing to disfigure themselves for you! Yep, this person went and tested it.
Things were okay for a few seconds, and then…THE BURNING! I have certainly felt worse, but it was very noticeable. The instructions assure me that this burning is “due to the ingredients reacting to your bodies own PH balance which is normal and will go away upon rinsing off the colorant.”
Uh oh. She also posts pictures (of her arm, but she did test it on her crotch and reports no change there either) of the incredibly miniscule change in color. If anything you're going to get a blotchy vagina. The guys sure go for blotchy.
And then there's this disturbing suspicion, given the thirty-dollar price tag:
I had a hunch after the way it smelled and how it looked when wet, so I licked my arm before I rinsed it, and it tasted just like unsweetened Kool-Aid.
Now I'm actually kinda curious about the interactions between Kool-Aid and crotch. I've never felt my labia were disfiguringly unpink, but sugar-free Kool-Aid comes in purple! And green! And blue! I could have a CROTCH RAINBOW!
(taste the rainbow?)
If I don't mind the whole burning sensation, I guess.
(Also, her blog is great and you should read it. Srsly.)
It's the sort of thing I would test out, except that it's thirty dollars and it might disfigure my genitals. Fortunately, there's always someone on the Internet willing to disfigure themselves for you! Yep, this person went and tested it.
Things were okay for a few seconds, and then…THE BURNING! I have certainly felt worse, but it was very noticeable. The instructions assure me that this burning is “due to the ingredients reacting to your bodies own PH balance which is normal and will go away upon rinsing off the colorant.”
Uh oh. She also posts pictures (of her arm, but she did test it on her crotch and reports no change there either) of the incredibly miniscule change in color. If anything you're going to get a blotchy vagina. The guys sure go for blotchy.
And then there's this disturbing suspicion, given the thirty-dollar price tag:
I had a hunch after the way it smelled and how it looked when wet, so I licked my arm before I rinsed it, and it tasted just like unsweetened Kool-Aid.
Now I'm actually kinda curious about the interactions between Kool-Aid and crotch. I've never felt my labia were disfiguringly unpink, but sugar-free Kool-Aid comes in purple! And green! And blue! I could have a CROTCH RAINBOW!
(taste the rainbow?)
If I don't mind the whole burning sensation, I guess.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Robot Girlfriend!
Look at the picture. Just look at it.
So this is ROXXXY, the supposed robot girlfriend. I have to say, if looks are an issue for you... ROXXXY may be an issue. I can bitch about beauty standards all day long but any guy who could look into that scary plastic horse face and keep a boner has absolutely no business picking nits with any living woman.
One creepy detail the article doesn't mention and I did not make up: the creator modeled ROXXXY after a friend who died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Wow. Wow. ....Wow. To everyone who reads this blog: if I am horribly murdered, please do not sell me or anything that looks like me for people to have sex with. Thank you.
"She can't vacuum, she can't cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,"
Oh, so she can go hiking with me? She can discuss the news with me and agree to disagree about Obama? She can help me move a couch? She can teach me how to make proper onion soup? She can trade backrubs?
I don't talk about my dildo saying "he can't change oil, he can't grill a steak but he can do almost anything else if you know what I mean," because he (ew, it, c'mon) can do one thing. Not badly, but let's not kid around. A "girlfriend" is a multifunctional person, and by that I don't mean anal and oral.
The anatomically-correct robot has an articulated skeleton that can move like a person but can't walk or independently move its limbs
So... not much like a person at all, really.
Robotic movement is built into "the three inputs" and a mechanical heart that powers a liquid cooling system.
By "robotic movement," I have a suspicion they mean "vibration." DECADES OF DEVELOPMENT.
And why the hell does it need a liquid cooling system if it doesn't move? I guess the market was just demanding a simulated sex partner who was really cold.
What do I really make of this thing?
Ample video exists of the guy talking about ROXXXY while she sits there completely dead, but there's none of her actually moving or talking. (Although SomethingAwful produced an excellent [and ridiculously offensive] educated guess about her various personalities.)
I think this is the doomed project of a guy who is creepy, yes, but more importantly he's way overambitious in his showing of an obviously unfinished product. Somehow that's even sadder to me than the whole "robot girlfriend" aspect--the fact that this guy clearly doesn't really know how to make his robot girlfriend, so all that he's showing the world is that he has a mostly unrealized dream of a robot girlfriend.
It's the same awkward feeling as reading someone's terrible unpublished novel, except in this case the novel is about their robot girlfriend with three motorized inputs.
So this is ROXXXY, the supposed robot girlfriend. I have to say, if looks are an issue for you... ROXXXY may be an issue. I can bitch about beauty standards all day long but any guy who could look into that scary plastic horse face and keep a boner has absolutely no business picking nits with any living woman.
One creepy detail the article doesn't mention and I did not make up: the creator modeled ROXXXY after a friend who died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Wow. Wow. ....Wow. To everyone who reads this blog: if I am horribly murdered, please do not sell me or anything that looks like me for people to have sex with. Thank you.
"She can't vacuum, she can't cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,"
Oh, so she can go hiking with me? She can discuss the news with me and agree to disagree about Obama? She can help me move a couch? She can teach me how to make proper onion soup? She can trade backrubs?
I don't talk about my dildo saying "he can't change oil, he can't grill a steak but he can do almost anything else if you know what I mean," because he (ew, it, c'mon) can do one thing. Not badly, but let's not kid around. A "girlfriend" is a multifunctional person, and by that I don't mean anal and oral.
The anatomically-correct robot has an articulated skeleton that can move like a person but can't walk or independently move its limbs
So... not much like a person at all, really.
Robotic movement is built into "the three inputs" and a mechanical heart that powers a liquid cooling system.
By "robotic movement," I have a suspicion they mean "vibration." DECADES OF DEVELOPMENT.
And why the hell does it need a liquid cooling system if it doesn't move? I guess the market was just demanding a simulated sex partner who was really cold.
What do I really make of this thing?
Ample video exists of the guy talking about ROXXXY while she sits there completely dead, but there's none of her actually moving or talking. (Although SomethingAwful produced an excellent [and ridiculously offensive] educated guess about her various personalities.)
I think this is the doomed project of a guy who is creepy, yes, but more importantly he's way overambitious in his showing of an obviously unfinished product. Somehow that's even sadder to me than the whole "robot girlfriend" aspect--the fact that this guy clearly doesn't really know how to make his robot girlfriend, so all that he's showing the world is that he has a mostly unrealized dream of a robot girlfriend.
It's the same awkward feeling as reading someone's terrible unpublished novel, except in this case the novel is about their robot girlfriend with three motorized inputs.
Monday, January 11, 2010
My first vibrator.
My first vibrator was a gift from my boyfriend Kevin's mother, explicitly given to dissuade me from having sex with her son. This was ridiculous, partly because she was several months too late, and partly because the vibrator was not tall and muscular with soft brown eyes and a filthy-awesome sense of humor. And it never, ever, told me I was pretty.
(Kevin's father, incidentally, told me not to fuck his son because in his opinion the boy shouldn't be breeding. What an awesome dad. He had a point though, in retrospect.)
It was a "back massager" type, just a big black chunk of plastic you'd get in a drugstore rather than a sex store, as unsexy as a sex toy could be. Inevitably, Kevin and I ended up using it in bed together. We were curled up together awkwardly on the twin-size loft bed I had at the time, and he pressed it against my vulva, it made a big loud annoying sound, and...
I came. Instantly, explosively, and continuously. For as long as he kept it there, I was coming. It was torture and Heaven. It was also not very long.
I looked up at him, panting and grinning. "Do that again!" I said.
"No," he said. "I don't like that it can make you do that. I can't do that."
"Ha ha," I said, "That's a very funny and hilarious joke you made. Do it again."
"No, really," he said. "I don't want you using it."
So we had sex regular, and when he left he took the vibrator with him, and that was the last I ever saw of it.
I wouldn't stand for any part of this story now, but I was fifteen then and a very different person. I was agonizingly embarrassed shopping for underwear, there was no way I could've bought myself a vibrator or told my boyfriend to loosen the fuck up because this was awesome. When he took the toy away I just let it go.
I don't generally play with super-hard vibration when I have my druthers. I usually find that a tiny bullet vibe on the very lowest setting is the best for masturbation; more than that is simply overwhelming. But then again, I'm the kind of girl who likes to be overwhelmed a little. Being overstimulated and forced to come continuously and uncontrollably isn't something I'd inflict on myself--which is why I need someone to inflict it on me.
The flip side of Kevin's prudish insecurity, though, is Bill. Bill brought me a big ol' Magic Wand-type vibrator, pressed it against a dildo hilt-deep in my pussy, and went to town. It was great, I came like crazy, and... he didn't stop. I came again and again and it began to pass from ecstasy into irritation. I don't know how many times I can come, but it's more than I want to. After a while it's uncomfortable. But I was older then, and able to tell him to stop, so the night wasn't ruined. I was just amazed by how responsive my body is to that kind of stimulation--and to how dumb a guy thinking "wow, it's like an Infinite Orgasm Factory, I wonder if this will keep going for an hour" can get.
It's not something I can do to myself, and it's not something I'd want a partner to do to me all the time, but my reaction to hard vibration is definitely amazing. I'm kinda missing it now.
(Kevin's father, incidentally, told me not to fuck his son because in his opinion the boy shouldn't be breeding. What an awesome dad. He had a point though, in retrospect.)
It was a "back massager" type, just a big black chunk of plastic you'd get in a drugstore rather than a sex store, as unsexy as a sex toy could be. Inevitably, Kevin and I ended up using it in bed together. We were curled up together awkwardly on the twin-size loft bed I had at the time, and he pressed it against my vulva, it made a big loud annoying sound, and...
I came. Instantly, explosively, and continuously. For as long as he kept it there, I was coming. It was torture and Heaven. It was also not very long.
I looked up at him, panting and grinning. "Do that again!" I said.
"No," he said. "I don't like that it can make you do that. I can't do that."
"Ha ha," I said, "That's a very funny and hilarious joke you made. Do it again."
"No, really," he said. "I don't want you using it."
So we had sex regular, and when he left he took the vibrator with him, and that was the last I ever saw of it.
I wouldn't stand for any part of this story now, but I was fifteen then and a very different person. I was agonizingly embarrassed shopping for underwear, there was no way I could've bought myself a vibrator or told my boyfriend to loosen the fuck up because this was awesome. When he took the toy away I just let it go.
I don't generally play with super-hard vibration when I have my druthers. I usually find that a tiny bullet vibe on the very lowest setting is the best for masturbation; more than that is simply overwhelming. But then again, I'm the kind of girl who likes to be overwhelmed a little. Being overstimulated and forced to come continuously and uncontrollably isn't something I'd inflict on myself--which is why I need someone to inflict it on me.
The flip side of Kevin's prudish insecurity, though, is Bill. Bill brought me a big ol' Magic Wand-type vibrator, pressed it against a dildo hilt-deep in my pussy, and went to town. It was great, I came like crazy, and... he didn't stop. I came again and again and it began to pass from ecstasy into irritation. I don't know how many times I can come, but it's more than I want to. After a while it's uncomfortable. But I was older then, and able to tell him to stop, so the night wasn't ruined. I was just amazed by how responsive my body is to that kind of stimulation--and to how dumb a guy thinking "wow, it's like an Infinite Orgasm Factory, I wonder if this will keep going for an hour" can get.
It's not something I can do to myself, and it's not something I'd want a partner to do to me all the time, but my reaction to hard vibration is definitely amazing. I'm kinda missing it now.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sexy and sex.
More on the total independence between sexy and sexual: compare these four websites. (All but the first are fairly NWS.)
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab - Selling nonsex without sex.
Yves Saint Laurent Parfum - Selling nonsex with sex.
Hustler Lingerie - Selling sex with sex.
Blowfish - Selling sex without sex.
It's the last one that's most interesting to me. Blowfish sells sex toys, porn, lube, condoms, and they do it without a single eyelinered model pouting at the camera. They just tell you what they've got and why you might like it; any titillation is going to come from the products, not the advertising.
I don't want to say the Blowfish's marketing is better than Hustler's, somehow more moral; that's Puritan thinking. But it's more comfortable for me that to no one's trying to engage me sexually while I'm just trying to shop. And it avoids the awkwardness of looking at something that's supposed to be sexy but is aimed at different preferences from my own. And the pressure to be sexy in the same way as the models, which would never work for my body and personality.
I think the confusion between sexy and sexual impedes public discourse on sexuality; we get the feeling sometimes that the discourse itself is a sexual act. That teaching, talking, voting about sexual issues might turn people on, and that would make it wrong and creepy even to have the discussion. I'm taking an anatomy class and on Reproductive System Day a room full of grown working adults collapsed into awkward giggles multiple times--not because it's that funny but because talking about private parts in public feels uncomfortably close to airing out your own sexuality in class. With hearts we measured each other's pulse and output; with penises and vaginas we tried very hard to talk as if none of us had anything like that. Admitting I have a vagina is a little too close to showing it to everyone, and that would be icky.
Sexy has its place and it's not just the bedroom. Sexiness livens up entertainment and socialization and dancing and dating and life. And even advertising sometimes. But sexiness doesn't need to follow everywhere sex goes. Being able to separate sexiness from sexuality is crucial to talking about our... tee-hee, you know, thingies... like goddamn grownups.
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab - Selling nonsex without sex.
Yves Saint Laurent Parfum - Selling nonsex with sex.
Hustler Lingerie - Selling sex with sex.
Blowfish - Selling sex without sex.
It's the last one that's most interesting to me. Blowfish sells sex toys, porn, lube, condoms, and they do it without a single eyelinered model pouting at the camera. They just tell you what they've got and why you might like it; any titillation is going to come from the products, not the advertising.
I don't want to say the Blowfish's marketing is better than Hustler's, somehow more moral; that's Puritan thinking. But it's more comfortable for me that to no one's trying to engage me sexually while I'm just trying to shop. And it avoids the awkwardness of looking at something that's supposed to be sexy but is aimed at different preferences from my own. And the pressure to be sexy in the same way as the models, which would never work for my body and personality.
I think the confusion between sexy and sexual impedes public discourse on sexuality; we get the feeling sometimes that the discourse itself is a sexual act. That teaching, talking, voting about sexual issues might turn people on, and that would make it wrong and creepy even to have the discussion. I'm taking an anatomy class and on Reproductive System Day a room full of grown working adults collapsed into awkward giggles multiple times--not because it's that funny but because talking about private parts in public feels uncomfortably close to airing out your own sexuality in class. With hearts we measured each other's pulse and output; with penises and vaginas we tried very hard to talk as if none of us had anything like that. Admitting I have a vagina is a little too close to showing it to everyone, and that would be icky.
Sexy has its place and it's not just the bedroom. Sexiness livens up entertainment and socialization and dancing and dating and life. And even advertising sometimes. But sexiness doesn't need to follow everywhere sex goes. Being able to separate sexiness from sexuality is crucial to talking about our... tee-hee, you know, thingies... like goddamn grownups.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Disgusting sex toy story.
So I'm at the sex store to pick up some basic needs, and they've got a clearance rack with really, really cheap stuff.
Hey! Ben wa balls for two bucks! I always heard those were bullshit. But I also read an old sex manual once with a description of having them in your vagina and just rolling your hips and coming to orgasm after languid, easy orgasm. That kinda... grabbed me. It's probably bullshit, but hey, two bucks.
Alright, got home, let's try these puppies out. Slip them in, and... yeah, the hands-free thing is utter bullshit, but if I rub my clit and the outside of my pussy with them in... ooh. Not bad. I can feel them turning and sliding inside me. Mmmm. Spank me harder, invisible imagination man. Oh, you've got such strong arms. Harder. Oh. Oh yeah. OOOOOHHHHH.
Gosh, that was nice.
Well, now to get them out. First one just pops out. Second one... oh shit.
Oh Jesus. It's way in there. Every time I squeeze it goes higher not lower. I can't get a finger behind it.
Oh Jesus. All the emergency rooms in 50 miles know me. I'll have to drive to Yakima.
Alright, look around. Is there anything I can use? Forceps? Speculum? Dammit, if only I were more of a pervert, I'd have the tools I need right now. Maybe I can poke at it with a pen or a ruler or something... no, I'm going to hurt myself. Bad idea.
Okay Holly. Just focus. You can do this. Like giving birth to a tiny, spherical, metal baby. Focus. Deep breath. Puush. You can do it.
*plop*
I am never using those fucking things ever again.
Hey! Ben wa balls for two bucks! I always heard those were bullshit. But I also read an old sex manual once with a description of having them in your vagina and just rolling your hips and coming to orgasm after languid, easy orgasm. That kinda... grabbed me. It's probably bullshit, but hey, two bucks.
Alright, got home, let's try these puppies out. Slip them in, and... yeah, the hands-free thing is utter bullshit, but if I rub my clit and the outside of my pussy with them in... ooh. Not bad. I can feel them turning and sliding inside me. Mmmm. Spank me harder, invisible imagination man. Oh, you've got such strong arms. Harder. Oh. Oh yeah. OOOOOHHHHH.
Gosh, that was nice.
Well, now to get them out. First one just pops out. Second one... oh shit.
Oh Jesus. It's way in there. Every time I squeeze it goes higher not lower. I can't get a finger behind it.
Oh Jesus. All the emergency rooms in 50 miles know me. I'll have to drive to Yakima.
Alright, look around. Is there anything I can use? Forceps? Speculum? Dammit, if only I were more of a pervert, I'd have the tools I need right now. Maybe I can poke at it with a pen or a ruler or something... no, I'm going to hurt myself. Bad idea.
Okay Holly. Just focus. You can do this. Like giving birth to a tiny, spherical, metal baby. Focus. Deep breath. Puush. You can do it.
*plop*
I am never using those fucking things ever again.
Monday, April 6, 2009
"Adjustable Posture Collar"?!?
I'm hopelessly amused by the picture and copy on this bondage-gear website. For high-protocol training and/or high-speed impacts! I have this great idea for a scene where I put the collar on her and then I strap her whole body to a board and tie her wrists together and tape her head down...
(I'm not entirely sure you can "train" someone's collar height, that has a lot more to do with bone structure than obedience, but whatever floats your crazyboat, I guess.)
I notice they've adjusted the pricing to reflect the BDSM market, too. I can save you fifteen bucks.
P.S.: Dang, I might need to order these, I didn't realize they were so cheap. Even the good ones are downright reasonable.
(I'm not entirely sure you can "train" someone's collar height, that has a lot more to do with bone structure than obedience, but whatever floats your crazyboat, I guess.)
I notice they've adjusted the pricing to reflect the BDSM market, too. I can save you fifteen bucks.
P.S.: Dang, I might need to order these, I didn't realize they were so cheap. Even the good ones are downright reasonable.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Bad ideas for sex toys.
It's sex, so your mileage may and does vary. Hell, I can't keep the same mileage myself for two weeks running. But certain things are just silly.
Like sex dolls. ("Love dolls"--a case in which the euphemism actually makes things worse if you think about it.) I've got no objection to artificial vaginas--Lord knows I've got enough faux penises lying around--but somehow an entire artificial woman seems different. It feels like at that point it's filling an emotional rather than a purely physical need, and that's creepy.
And on a more practical level, they always look freakin' terrible. You get a box that looks like this, holding something that looks like this. (Also available in racist!) If you are trying to replicate the full-body experience of sharing yourself with a woman, this seems somewhat lacking.
Less "silly," and more "peritonitis," there's some very poorly thought-out bondage gear out there. Dear God, what happens if he trips?
Speaking of peritonitis, who among us hasn't pondered the irresistible erotic appeal of a home colonoscopy?
Hey! Haven't you ever wanted dildos modeled after the genitalia of various animals? Of course you have! Try the "Orca," it's life-size!
While you're doing all these terrible things to your butt, make sure and lube it up with some nice anesthetizing benzocaine! Because there's just nothing sexier than "oooh baby, I can't feel that... oh yeah, it's so fucking numb!" (Well, there's one thing sexier: "huh, blood. I didn't feel anything...")
This next one isn't offensive or dangerous, it just looks hilarious.
Even if it weren't being modeled on the slack, pale genitalia of a corpse, this doesn't seem like a good idea either.
I guess it doesn't make a difference here since the fingers are just squishy foam stuff, but does anyone actually have sex like this?
I can't tell if this one is racially insensitive or just baffling. (I once had a rather, ah, "suburban" friend try to tell me "black men have white dicks!" We had to go through eyewitness testimony and multiple photo references before she'd believe me.)
At least the owners of this site know how weird they are. (The entire "Strange Sex Toys" category--and the shameless editorialization therein--is one hell of a read.)
Finally, just be glad you're not a horse. Or the person who provides the "manual stimulation" to the horse.
Like sex dolls. ("Love dolls"--a case in which the euphemism actually makes things worse if you think about it.) I've got no objection to artificial vaginas--Lord knows I've got enough faux penises lying around--but somehow an entire artificial woman seems different. It feels like at that point it's filling an emotional rather than a purely physical need, and that's creepy.
And on a more practical level, they always look freakin' terrible. You get a box that looks like this, holding something that looks like this. (Also available in racist!) If you are trying to replicate the full-body experience of sharing yourself with a woman, this seems somewhat lacking.
Less "silly," and more "peritonitis," there's some very poorly thought-out bondage gear out there. Dear God, what happens if he trips?
Speaking of peritonitis, who among us hasn't pondered the irresistible erotic appeal of a home colonoscopy?
Hey! Haven't you ever wanted dildos modeled after the genitalia of various animals? Of course you have! Try the "Orca," it's life-size!
While you're doing all these terrible things to your butt, make sure and lube it up with some nice anesthetizing benzocaine! Because there's just nothing sexier than "oooh baby, I can't feel that... oh yeah, it's so fucking numb!" (Well, there's one thing sexier: "huh, blood. I didn't feel anything...")
This next one isn't offensive or dangerous, it just looks hilarious.
Even if it weren't being modeled on the slack, pale genitalia of a corpse, this doesn't seem like a good idea either.
I guess it doesn't make a difference here since the fingers are just squishy foam stuff, but does anyone actually have sex like this?
I can't tell if this one is racially insensitive or just baffling. (I once had a rather, ah, "suburban" friend try to tell me "black men have white dicks!" We had to go through eyewitness testimony and multiple photo references before she'd believe me.)
At least the owners of this site know how weird they are. (The entire "Strange Sex Toys" category--and the shameless editorialization therein--is one hell of a read.)
Finally, just be glad you're not a horse. Or the person who provides the "manual stimulation" to the horse.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Lube!
Shit, a whole week? I've been a very naughty blogger. I should be punished. Spanked. Made to tell you what a dirty dirty girl I am and touch myself in my bad places while you watch.
Anyway. Today I want to talk about lube!
I don't need lube for regular sex; I'm sadly not a squirter but I do get plenty juicy. But for the butt, for unreasonably large objects, for extended play, and for the occasional Mystery Juice Failure, there is lube!
The best lube in the world is, I believe, J-Lube. Because it's a power, you can vary the consistency from super-goopy to nearly-water, and one $10 bottle makes a million jillion gallons of lube. (Also, the whole vet-supply thing just makes it so naughty.) It has a really nice, ungreasy texture that's pretty similar to natural ladyjuices, and it's so slippery and so easy to get in copious amounts that it's the canonical fisting lube.
KY stings me. I don't know if this is just a personal idiosyncrasy/allergy, but anyway I can't use it.
Astroglide doesn't sting, but it never worked that well for me. It wears out in about five minutes and when it does it turns really really sticky.
Slippery Stuff Liquid isn't bad I guess, but it's kinda... subtle. Almost water. It's good for going from dry to wet, but if you need to go from wet to dripping, it's just not enough. I think it's okay for vaginal sex or maybe if you're experienced at anal, but nothing heavy-duty.
I heard a lot of people sing the praises of silicone lube, so I tried ID Millennium and it's got good points and bad points. Good: a tiny amount is soooo slippery and it lasts forever. Bad: it feels kinda greasy and it never goes away. If you spill a single drop anywhere it's a huge pain to clean up--it will not dry, it will not absorb--and even if you don't spill it stays on your hands and genitals for hours. This stuff would be great lube if only it came with an antidote.
(Also, you never heard me say this, but it works surprisingly well for styling your hair. Just a little bit gives such lovely shine and frizz control...)
The lube currently in my nightstand is Wet Gel Body Glide. I like it. It's long-lasting but easy to clean up, has a nice thick texture that can handle the tough jobs, doesn't get sticky at all, and it feels very... clean. If you're not yet at the point in your life where you're okay with buying your sex supplies from veterinary supply companies, this would be a good lube to use.
One piece of lube advice: use too much. I used to get in the habit of using just a couple drops and calling something "lubed" when it was coated all over, no matter how thinly. But it feels much, much better to get things wet as fuck. The correct adjective is not merely "slick" but "glorpy."
Anyway. Today I want to talk about lube!
I don't need lube for regular sex; I'm sadly not a squirter but I do get plenty juicy. But for the butt, for unreasonably large objects, for extended play, and for the occasional Mystery Juice Failure, there is lube!
The best lube in the world is, I believe, J-Lube. Because it's a power, you can vary the consistency from super-goopy to nearly-water, and one $10 bottle makes a million jillion gallons of lube. (Also, the whole vet-supply thing just makes it so naughty.) It has a really nice, ungreasy texture that's pretty similar to natural ladyjuices, and it's so slippery and so easy to get in copious amounts that it's the canonical fisting lube.
KY stings me. I don't know if this is just a personal idiosyncrasy/allergy, but anyway I can't use it.
Astroglide doesn't sting, but it never worked that well for me. It wears out in about five minutes and when it does it turns really really sticky.
Slippery Stuff Liquid isn't bad I guess, but it's kinda... subtle. Almost water. It's good for going from dry to wet, but if you need to go from wet to dripping, it's just not enough. I think it's okay for vaginal sex or maybe if you're experienced at anal, but nothing heavy-duty.
I heard a lot of people sing the praises of silicone lube, so I tried ID Millennium and it's got good points and bad points. Good: a tiny amount is soooo slippery and it lasts forever. Bad: it feels kinda greasy and it never goes away. If you spill a single drop anywhere it's a huge pain to clean up--it will not dry, it will not absorb--and even if you don't spill it stays on your hands and genitals for hours. This stuff would be great lube if only it came with an antidote.
(Also, you never heard me say this, but it works surprisingly well for styling your hair. Just a little bit gives such lovely shine and frizz control...)
The lube currently in my nightstand is Wet Gel Body Glide. I like it. It's long-lasting but easy to clean up, has a nice thick texture that can handle the tough jobs, doesn't get sticky at all, and it feels very... clean. If you're not yet at the point in your life where you're okay with buying your sex supplies from veterinary supply companies, this would be a good lube to use.
One piece of lube advice: use too much. I used to get in the habit of using just a couple drops and calling something "lubed" when it was coated all over, no matter how thinly. But it feels much, much better to get things wet as fuck. The correct adjective is not merely "slick" but "glorpy."
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sex Toy Reviews: Nubby G!
Sex toys always have embarrassing names. I'm not really sure what name wouldn't be embarrassing though; none comes to mind. It's either embarrassingly descriptive ("The Cone") or embarrassingly non-descriptive ("The Sybian") and either way I kind of cringe. It's probably my own problem.
Anyway. It is nubby and it is for your, uh, G. And OH MY FUCKING GOD does it feel FUCKING PERFECT. It's thick--maybe too thick if a little stretching isn't your thing, definitely a toy to use with lube--and it has a nice big firm thingy pushing right where it feels great. The nubby things on the bottom are a little frustrating since they almost-but-not quite reach your clit and ass (your perineum may vary), but they still help spread the sensations around nicely.
The vibrator doesn't do much. It's in the wrong place and it's kinda loud. Better to just use the toy with the vibe off and just kinda wiggle it manually.
One caveat: this is not silicone, it's made of some sort of non-Mother-Jones-approved evil demon rubber that will give you cancer or something. (Phthalate-softened rubber, specifically.) Personally I read the scientific evidence and don't think it matters unless you eat a bucket of vibrators for dinner every night, but if you're a paranoid hippie, there are lots of similar things that are made of silicone. Get it quick before they decide silicone gives you cancer too!
I guess it doesn't sound great on paper, but damn, it just feels so goddamn good. Even to just put it in and leave it there, not even touching anything, feels fantastic.
Anyway. It is nubby and it is for your, uh, G. And OH MY FUCKING GOD does it feel FUCKING PERFECT. It's thick--maybe too thick if a little stretching isn't your thing, definitely a toy to use with lube--and it has a nice big firm thingy pushing right where it feels great. The nubby things on the bottom are a little frustrating since they almost-but-not quite reach your clit and ass (your perineum may vary), but they still help spread the sensations around nicely.
The vibrator doesn't do much. It's in the wrong place and it's kinda loud. Better to just use the toy with the vibe off and just kinda wiggle it manually.
One caveat: this is not silicone, it's made of some sort of non-Mother-Jones-approved evil demon rubber that will give you cancer or something. (Phthalate-softened rubber, specifically.) Personally I read the scientific evidence and don't think it matters unless you eat a bucket of vibrators for dinner every night, but if you're a paranoid hippie, there are lots of similar things that are made of silicone. Get it quick before they decide silicone gives you cancer too!
I guess it doesn't sound great on paper, but damn, it just feels so goddamn good. Even to just put it in and leave it there, not even touching anything, feels fantastic.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sex Toy Review: Babeland Silver Bullet!
Someone asked me to do a bunch of sex toy reviews. I live to serve, so here ya go, someone!
Your most basic sex toy.
Okay, for starters, don't pay $15. There are like a million ways to get these things for $3-5 or free, and it's the same product and works just as well.
This thing is really easy on batteries. I've had the same two AAs in it for over a year of pretty frequent use.
And it's silent! If you dangle it in the air or hold it in your palm you can hear it, but press it where it's gonna go and it's damn near 100% muffled.
As far as functionality, it's very pure: a tiny little unit of vibration where you want it. It works on penises (only some guys like it, but the ones who do love it), nipples (very interesting with clamped nipples), clitorises, labia, anything external. I once heard a crazy person say she used it on her "third eye" but I think that would just rattle your skull pretty bad.
This toy works for everything from "it's the end of a long day but I'm horny, let's get my rocks off quick so I can sleep" to elaborate scenes. If you only have one sex toy, this'd be a pretty good choice.
Your most basic sex toy.
Okay, for starters, don't pay $15. There are like a million ways to get these things for $3-5 or free, and it's the same product and works just as well.
This thing is really easy on batteries. I've had the same two AAs in it for over a year of pretty frequent use.
And it's silent! If you dangle it in the air or hold it in your palm you can hear it, but press it where it's gonna go and it's damn near 100% muffled.
As far as functionality, it's very pure: a tiny little unit of vibration where you want it. It works on penises (only some guys like it, but the ones who do love it), nipples (very interesting with clamped nipples), clitorises, labia, anything external. I once heard a crazy person say she used it on her "third eye" but I think that would just rattle your skull pretty bad.
This toy works for everything from "it's the end of a long day but I'm horny, let's get my rocks off quick so I can sleep" to elaborate scenes. If you only have one sex toy, this'd be a pretty good choice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)