Guest Post: Top Tips for New Friends in the Scene.

[This is BDSM inside baseball.  If you're not a BDSMer or wannabe BDSMer, I'll have more of my usual tomorrow.]




[My friend Match_Stick wrote this for our local BDSM munch, and I think it's some solid advice. Text in brackets is my comments.

Also, my excuse for not writing a post this week is that Rowdy and I were in a hovercraft competition!  We had 48 hours to build a working remote-control hovercraft from scratch.  The post image is our results, hovering triumphantly.]

1. Get an email address without your real name in it. You will need it for invite lists and such.

2. Get a FetLife account, and put a picture up. No need for your face to be shown, but put something up. Something other than a shot of your genitals.

[You can use a headless shot of your body to avoid showing your face, but sometimes it's nicer to use a non-human picture that simply reflects one of your interests.   One of my friends is a bird, another one is a famous painting, another is a photo he took.  It gives you more character than the headless shot.  My suggestion is to use that for an avatar and then upload your headless-body shot as a secondary picture if you want to show off your stuff.]


3. Find local events such as munches and classes to go to.

4. Pick a name to be known by in person. If you have a common first name, you may want to use that. If you don’t, or want to be even more careful, pick another name. Remember, people might buy “Buddy” a beer, but no one wants to buy “Lord Domly Pants” a beer.

[There's an important deeper meaning in calling yourself "Buddy" rather than "Lord Domly Pants."  Which is that you're dealing with real people here, not with sexual fantasies.  If all goes well, you'll be able to act out some sexual fantasies with some of them, but you don't want to come off so narrowly focused on your fetishes that you don't treat people like individuals.  You want to project "hi, I'm a nice person" before you project "hi, I want you to lick strawberry Jell-O from between my toes."]


5. Practice introducing yourself. You will be doing it a lot.

[I have made so many friendships--including Match_Stick!--simply by walking up to people and saying "Hi, I'm Holly. I don't think we've met before."  Bluntness is my religion these days and it's paying off.]

6. Go to real life events. Everybody is shy sometimes. Go to events and introduce yourself. A lot.

7. Make friends, before you make play partners. They will help guide you.

[I strongly, strongly, strongly agree with socializing before playing, even if you get the opportunity to play right off the bat.  You'll have a much better first-play experience if you've gotten to know the people who are prancing around naked. Also, certain people who proposition newbies are sketchy, and going to munches is the best way to find out who.  Remember that women who prey on men, and submissives who prey on dominants, do exist.]

8. Don't touch people or stuff without permission. You will notice that people in the scene can be touchy and huggy. They know each other. If you get to know people you can probably get hugs too. If you want. People should not be touching you if you don't want them to.

[BDSM culture is stricter about touch than you're used to.  If someone is touching you without asking, they know, or should, that they're crossing the line.  On your part, remember that even a friendly touch on the arm can turn weird under BDSM social rules; even if it seems goofy, ask first.]

[Also: It's good to make an ally early on--preferably someone you know isn't attracted to you at all--that you know you're safe around and can go to if someone's pushing your boundaries.]

9. Guard your identity. Don’t give out your real name, phone number, or post pictures of your face without a good reason. Get a Google voice number to hand out instead. It also works with texting and you can block calls with Google Voice if you need to.

10. Meet new people in a public place or at a group event. Trade personal identity information later if you feel comfortable, and want to meet them privately.

[Rule 10 requires you to break rule 9, and I agree with this.  It's prudent not to share your personal information with the kinky "public"--everyone at the munch doesn't need to know where you work--but it's rude and creepy not to share it with your play partners.  Personally, I wouldn't go to someone's house alone or let them in mine unless I knew their "real life" identity.  There's some trust involved in this, yeah; but there's some trust involved in getting tied up and beaten.]

11. Learn what a safety call is and use it. At the very least tell a friend where and who you are meeting, and let the person you are meeting know you did this.

12. Read a lot! SM 101, Screw the Roses, Loving Dominant, Ethical Slut, etc.

13. If you are looking for a mentor, look at your peers. If you are a submissive, find an experienced submissive to mentor you.

[I.e., not a dominant!  Lots of dominants are lovely people who will give you great guidance, but they don't know what it's like being a submissive, and there's also a big risk of conflict of interest.  If you don't have an official mentor, at least have a close submissive friend.  Go to them with your "X wants to play with me, are they cool?" and "X wants to do Y with me and I feel Z about it, what do you think?" type questions.]

14. Ask questions. People are happy to help you learn.

15. Practice saying “No, thank you”. Be firm but polite. You may get many offers – much more than what you are used to in vanilla life.

[One big difference from vanilla culture: simply asking is almost never impolite.  Someone saying "would you like me to beat you?", even if it seems a little bit out of the blue, is not being creepy.  It's only creepy if they fail to take the first "no" for a clear and final answer. That's when you need to find your ally or a party host and tell them you need backup.]

16. If you are at an event, please say hi to the hosts. We love to meet new people, and we can introduce you to good people.

17. Ask for what you want, when you are ready. And don’t be afraid to ask for something simple and mild.

[This one is important!  You will see some people playing very "heavy" at play parties.  They are certainly the most eye-catching.  They are not the best at BDSM, or the realest, or anything like that.  "I want to get your drinks tonight" is just as legit a desire as "I want to be your slave."  "I want to spank you a little" is just as real as "I want to suspend you from the ceiling and beat you with a cane."]

18. Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, assume it is.

[A million times yes to this. Every time I've said to myself "aw, you're being unfair, just give them a chance," I've regretted it.  When it comes to your body and your safety, be unfair.]


Copyright 2011-2012 Match Stick, major contributions by kaminaru. Licensed under the Creative Commons Share Alike Attribution License. Please feel free to copy, improve, translate, and share. You don't need to ask permission first.


Feel free to tattoo it on your ass. If you do, please send me a picture!

How to go to a play party (and not play).

I've talked before about how to go to a BDSM play party. A very common question I've gotten is: "What if I don't want to play?" Is it okay to go to a play party just to watch and socialize? How do you do that and still stay within BDSM etiquette and the good graces of your local community?

First of all, yes, you can do this. It's okay to go to play parties and not play. A small proportion of parties are "players only" and they will let you know with the invitation. Your average, generic party absolutely allows people to come without playing. Really, since most people will be playing for 15 minutes and hanging out for 3 hours, nobody's even keeping track of who played and who didn't.

Be friendly. A play party can be an intimidating environment for shy people, but if you can make (or bring) even one ally who's a little more familiar with the lay of the land, you'll have a much more positive experience and make a better impression. If you're not playing because you're new, your ally can help you understand the scene better; whether you're new or not, a person who hangs out and makes friends is a better addition to the community than someone who only watches. However, don't feel that people will hate you if you do hang out by yourself--as long as you're respectful, people will catch on that you're just shy.

It's okay to watch scenes, but respect boundaries. This means, specifically:
-Leave some space between yourself and the scene you're watching. There should be at least enough room for the top to swing their arms in a big circle, and preferably another arm-length for comfort.
-Often the bedrooms or back rooms at a party will be reserved for more private play. Stay out unless someone invites you.
-Don't ever talk to the players during a scene. A scene puts the players in a very intense mental and emotional state, and you can ruin the scene or even compromise the safety of the players by jarring their concentration. If you have a question or a safety concern, ask someone in the social space or a host or dungeon monitor.
-Don't ever ever ever touch people during a scene. I wish I didn't have to say this, but it's happened.
-Use a lot of judgement in commenting on scenes. If you have anything negative or "funny" to say, keep it to yourself; other comments should be made quietly and far from the players. You don't have to watch in silence, but before you speak, remember: these are ordinary people, not performers, and they are extremely emotionally and physically exposed. Don't say anything that you wouldn't want to overhear in a moment like that.
-I don't know how to say this, but... don't make ogle-face. Do you know what I mean? Don't do that. Look don't stare, lean back not forward, smile don't leer. Look like you're interested in the players, not like you want to eat them for dinner with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. (If you don't know if you're making ogle-face, you're probably not. Don't drive yourself nuts over this one.)

Don't be afraid to be blunt about your intention not to play. In BDSM, as everywhere else, "no" means "no." If someone tries to start an argument over "why not?", makes a scene or starts following you around, or asks repeatedly, talk to a host; they're crossing a line. However, do be aware: in part because of the consent-conscious culture, people in BDSM are more likely to ask you if you want to do something with them. If they simply ask and take the first "no" graciously, they're not violating any rules.

If you don't understand something, ask! Kinksters are sex nerds, and they will be tripping over each other with their eagerness to educate you. Just make sure you ask a bystander or a host, and not an active participant in a scene.

Don't be a tourist. If you're at a play party, you're one of us. This doesn't mean you have to play--but it does mean that you can't look down on the people who do heavy or unusual play, or act like you're an objective observer of our quaint culture. Don't--even mentally--point and laugh at the freaks, because by showing up, you are a freak.

No wanking! This is obvious, right? Unless it's a designated wank-friendly party (these exist), don't wank at a party. Seriously.

Gloves are Great!

[Guest post by Match_Stick]

I love being sexual with lots of people. I love play parties with lots of people experiencing lots of pleasure. But I'm a safer slut. I want to experience the maximum pleasure with minimum risk. One of the risks I worry about is STI transmission from body fluids on hands. (1)

I want to share one of my favorite tools for safer sex – gloves. Latex or nitrile gloves are wonderful. They make play safer and simpler which for me means my play can be sluttier.

•I can slip a glove on, play, dispose of the glove and repeat with the next partner, without getting out of bed. This is important for a slut like me.
*Gloves work really well for certain kinds of sex. They reduce the chance of cutting or abrading tender skin with fingernails. They also don't absorb lube which means the genitals stay slicker longer.
•For those of us who associate gloves with hot sex putting them on is a part of foreplay. If I'm tied down and my partner puts on gloves and squirts lube into their hands, my dick gets hard with anticipation.
•I don’t have to worry about anything getting into any small cuts or abrasions on my own hands. (2)
•Fast cleanup means I get to stay and cuddle for aftercare without feeling like I need to immediately get up and wash my hands.
•I can slide my fingers into my partner’s ass, and then switch gloves if I want to finger their vagina. More holes – more fun. Urinary tract infection – less fun.
•Play parties are often held in places without easy access to washing sinks.
•They help you remember where your hands have been. At a recent party I was at I saw someone lend a hand to help balance a lady who was trying to gingerly step over a pile of naked people. Unfortunately the offered hand was covered in body fluids. Oops. Embarrassing.

I want to see more people use gloves in the scene, especially at parties. Risk awareness and risk management get more complicated with more people. But more people are more fun for a slut. I feel gloves are more important as more people are involved. If you go to parties or host parties I'd like you to consider the following:

•Make sure there are gloves available in every playroom at parties. Bring some to share!
•If possible make hand washing facilities available with plenty of soap and hand towels. If there are no sinks near the play area sanitary wipes or sanitizing hand gel are good options.
•Before using latex gloves make sure your partner doesn't have a latex allergy. The nitrile gloves these days are very good and even come in black to match your sexy outfit.
•Never tried using gloves? Go ahead and bust that cherry!
•If you don't want to or can't play with gloves please make an extra effort to wash your hands afterwards. Especially before you switch partners or head to the buffet for a post-play snack.

Keep it slutty and safer! Gloves are a great way to do it!

(1) The author doesn’t know of any studies that quantify risks, but there are several studies that suggest this is a possible infection method, most of them about women who have sex with women (WSW). For example:

“sexual practices involving digital-vaginal or digital-anal contact … such practices present a plausible means for STD transmission, presumably by transfer of infected cervicovaginal secretions” - Sexual Practices, Risk Perception and Knowledge Of Sexually Transmitted Disease Risk Among Lesbian and Bisexual Women

“indicates the need for methods to effectively prevent HPV transmission, such as the use of gloves, plastic barriers and condoms. The isolation of HPV from sexual fomites and from fingers of patients with genital warts adds to the idea that this virus can be sexually transmitted between women.” - Genital and oral human papillomavirus infection in a patient from the group of women who have sex with women

(2) It is commonly accepted in the medical profession that open cuts and abrasions make it easy to contract an infection. Many people have small cuts and abrasions, such as hangnails, on their hands and don’t even know it.

(3) Thanks to all my wonderful proofreaders!

"I don't know."

I've talked a lot before about the need for communication in BDSM and in relationships in general, but for the longest time I had trouble doing it honestly. Because the advice is usually "ask for what you want," but I didn't always know what I wanted, and I felt like that rendered me unable to communicate. It's one thing to say "I like thuddy impact especially on my shoulders and upper back and I'll be cooperative but not submissive in my role"; but if all you can put together is that you think you'd like kinky stuff and to be on the bottom and for it to be sexy and you don't really know exactly what that means, what do you say?

The answer is "I think I'd like kinky stuff and to be on the bottom and for it to be sexy, but I don't really know exactly what that means." It's okay. Better than bluffing like you're experienced, better than mumbling into your hands--simply say what you're thinking even when it isn't totally clear and coherent. That's what really helps a partner work with you.

(In kink, talking about how you'd like to feel--"I'd like to be a little afraid," "I'd like to feel totally under your control," "I only want the physical sensations,"--can also help. It's not a replacement for explicit negotiation, because different things scare different people, but it starts the "well, what makes you afraid?" conversation.)

This goes for relationship stuff too. When someone says "Where do you think this relationship has going?" there's no need to try and make up something that sounds sensitive (or to cannonball out the window, do a shoulder roll, and run down the street screaming). If you haven't thought about it, "you know, I haven't given that enough thought yet, but I do love/like you a lot" is the answer that can start an honest conversation.




I know this sounds incredibly obvious, but it took me a long time to learn how to say "I don't know" gracefully and while still providing as much information as I do know. Communication doesn't mean saying the right things. It means saying what you're really thinking.

Getting into BDSM Part 3: Safety.

[Repost; original post was eaten in Blogger crash.]

BDSM is not, in itself, super mega dangerous. It's like any contact sport--there's always a risk of an accident, so it's good to be prepared, but the risk isn't so high that you should be afraid to try it. And BDSM people are no different than any group of people--most will never harm you unless in a freak accident, a few will harm you through incompetence or pigheadedness, and a very small minority will harm you on purpose.

All this applies to tops and Doms as well as bottoms and subs; you may be at less physical risk, but bad things can still happen. And all this applies to emotional harm as well as physical; if someone makes you cry in the bad way and doesn't try to comfort you, that's "harm" just as much as if they bruised your face.

That said, there are some precautions that will help keep you and your partners safer:

Trust your instincts.
This is the most important thing. If a person seems to have nothing wrong with them that you can put your finger on, but they just give you the willies, the skeevies, and/or the heebie-jeebies--DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM. If a particular activity, invitation, or group of people makes you more nervous than it really ought to--stay away. That crawly feeling on your spine and that sinking feeling in your stomach are the best safety aides you have. They are not wrong. They are not silly. You should not "give that person/activity a chance." Do not doubt your gut.

Don't be afraid to be a picky, stuck-up, arbitrary jerk. "No" requires no explanation and no debate. Play with someone because you want to, not because you can't come up with a good reason not to. If someone asks you "why not?" after a "no," that's a big ol' warning sign in itself.

Don't play in private with strangers.
I'll play with strangers--well, with new friends, at least--in a party with lots of my older friends around. But if I'm on unfamiliar turf, or one-on-one, I need to know someone as a friend before we play. It takes a certain amount of trust, and exactly how much is up to your own judgement, but it's an amount of trust that has to build up with time and getting to know them. If you don't know someone at all, but they're offering some kind of super exciting play or they make you feel super extra submissive/dominant--play with witnesses around or wait 'til you know them better. Better yet, get to know other people who know them as well and get some outside opinions.

In particular, be extra careful about letting someone restrict your movement. Cutting off the option to leave a scene is a serious thing, even with super nice people who seem super serious about your well-being. Don't do it until you feel damn sure that there's no reason you could possibly need to leave.

When playing with someone in private for the first time, it can be a good idea to let a friend know exactly where you'll be and who you'll be with. And more importantly, it can be a good idea to let your partner know that your friend knows.

You don't "have to" do anything.
There's a widely mocked phenomenon in BDSM called the "One True Way" (or "twoo,"if you're being even snarkier.) These are people who have decided that a real Dom or sub does it like this, and if you don't do that, you're not real and just a poser and totally lame and probably not even kinky. These people suck. Mostly they suck because they're just annoying, but sometimes they're outright dangerous.

If someone tells you that you have to play with them, that you have to play a certain way, or that you really ought to have them as a mentor (or God forbid, master) to be a real kinkster or to be accepted in the group--run don't walk. Consent to things because you want to do those things specifically, not because anyone or anything challenged your authenticity or competence, or in any other way made you feel obligated.

Don't play under the influence.
Of anything. If you're a top, you'll be less able to control yourself and judge how your bottom is handling it; if you're a bottom, you'll be less aware of when you're getting hurt. And either way you'll have less judgement as to when something is just a bad idea.

Be knowledgeable about the specific play you engage in.
I don't have the space or expertise to go into detail here, but know that every kind of play, from punching to using complex electrical apparatus, has its own technical rules that you need to learn from someone who knows their shit. This is why I'm a big believer in BDSM communities; I can't tell you on the Internet how to do fire play or suspension bondage or even flogging safely and effectively. These are skills that you have to pick up the old-fashioned way. Take a class, go to a party and watch an experienced person at work, and better yet ask an experienced person if they can teach you. Reading about something or watching a video isn't as good as learning in person, but it's still preferable to just picking up a toy and guessing.

Also, if you're a top, know what it's like on the bottom. Don't flog people without knowing what a flogger feels like; don't stick needles in people without knowing how a needle feels.

Communicate.
Negotiate before a scene what both partners want and do not want to happen, and continue communicating in the scene. The less you've played with someone, the more you need to make an effort to do this. If you're on the bottom, let your partner know how you're doing and what you want and need and don't be shy. Don't let fear of "topping from the bottom" scare you into tolerating play that's not working for you

If you're on top, repeatedly check in with your partner as to whether they're enjoying themselves or starting to tire out or feel unpleasant pain. Dominance doesn't mean being psychic, and it certainly doesn't mean "you'll take what I choose to dish out"--it means that if you order your sub to tell you how they're feeling and how well they're tolerating a particular type of play, they damn well better tell you, huh?

Plan for disasters.
Taking a basic first-aid course, and having a basic first-aid kit around, are always good ideas. (Not even for BDSM. For life.) Any time you put someone in bondage, have a plan for how you could release them in a hurry, whether that means having shears on hand to cut rope or a quick-release link on a chain. Don't tie someone up in such a way that they'd choke or tear any body parts off if they fainted or lost their balance. (That's why I think this [NWS picture!] is a terrible idea.) Remember that a person who faints in bondage must be brought down--if they stay upright they won't get blood to their head and may not wake up.

Remember that the top could suffer some kind of emergency, and don't put the bottom in a situation where they'd be trapped if that happened. This doesn't mean you can't play with bondage one-on-one, but it does mean that the bondage should be "insecure" enough, or a phone close enough, that they could wiggle their way to the phone if they really had to.

Regular safer sex rules still apply.
Duh, right? However much latex you'd use with this person normally, that's how much to use in a BDSM context. Remember that blood is a high-risk body fluid too, and that touching genitals in a not-exactly-sexual way can still get fluids on your hands.

Use a safeword.
I put this way down the list, because I think it gets presented as the be-all end-all of safety sometimes, and it's not. It's no substitute for knowledge, preparation, and trust. Personally, I prefer to agree that "stop" still means "stop" unless we have specifically negotiated a consensual nonconsent scene. But I also have a safeword in place, just in case I have an immediate need to say "STOP" in a totally unambiguous not-even-joking sort of way. That word, as I've said before, is the emergency brake, no questions asked. Whether you're the top or bottom, you don't continue one second after the use of a safeword and you don't even think about whether they "should" have used it. You just stop dead, undo any bondage, hug and comfort the person or leave them the hell alone as they wish, and wait for things to cool down before figuring out what went wrong and whether to go on.



This is deliberately general rather than technical, so I know I missed stuff, but as with all the BDSM education posts, I'm open to suggestions.

Getting into BDSM Part 2: Your First Play Party.

I went to a party last night. Hung out with Rowdy and Sprite and a whole lot of nice folks we know, naked wrestled with another woman for a bit, hung out some more, Rowdy flogged and fisted me, hung out some more. Good times. So I figured I'd do another education-y post to follow up on "How to Get Into BDSM", about how to attend a play party.



This should be Part 2.
I don't think a play party is a good first entry into BDSM. It's important to get to know people as people before getting all up in their nasty sexy-hitty business. It gives you a better perspective on BDSM as a particularly vigorous hobby activity rather than an exotic unreal fantasy, and it gives you a better chance of having people at the party who will give you some companionship and guidance. Seeing your friend Sally beat up her husband Bob is a totally different--and in my opinion, much healthier--experience than seeing some dominatrix lady beat up some submissive dude.

Whether you're entering BDSM alone or as a couple (or group), I'd really recommend going to a few munches, classes, or social events and putting in some mingle time before going to a play party.



How to find a party.
This totally varies depending on your local scene. Some places have relatively public playspaces that actually advertise their locations and schedules (for example, the CSPC in Seattle), and that's the easiest. Other places aren't that organized, but they have parties posted under "events" on FetLife, visible to any FetLife members.

But in other places, whether because it's a smaller or more conservative community or because the local law enforcement has given kinksters a hard time (as in Massachusetts, sadly), things are a little more hush-hush. It's like buying weed, I guess; it's not exactly hard to do, but you can't look it up in the Yellow Pages. You gotta know a guy who knows a guy. Parties are hosted in private homes or other Undisclosed Locations and you have to be invited. The only way to do this is to get to know people in the scene, and it can take time, depending on your luck and social skills. (Yes, being conventionally attractive helps a little, but you can look like anything if you can put people at ease and give them the impression that you'll be chill and not creepy at a party.) This requires a little bit of social finesse, but when you consider the preponderance of Warcraft players, Ren Faire folk, and software engineers in the BDSM community, not that much really.



Five things to have before you go to a party:
1. The fee. Most parties require a small donation to the host. Find out beforehand how much and who to give it to, and in what form--some hosts prefer to receive it by PayPal, some want cash, and a few venues can even take credit cards. (Very few; if you don't know, assume cash.) This donation is just to cover use of the venue, equipment, and snacks; you're not paying for play and you're certainly not paying for sex.

2. A sexy but comfortable outfit. Elaborate fetishwear isn't necessary in most scenes (nightclub fetish nights tend to be dressier than play parties), but it's nice to dress up a little. A little black dress, a tight black t-shirt and well-fitted jeans, or your "night-on-the-town" shirt and a nice skirt or slacks will do fine most places.

3. Any toys you'd like to play with, and the necessary safer-sex supplies for any kind of sex you'd like to have. (Even if you bareback your partner at home, a lot of venues want you to use condoms/gloves/dental dams when you're there anyway.) You may not to get to use these if you're coming solo, but if you do, you'll be glad you weren't empty-handed.

Although some venues provide safer-sex supplies, it's a good idea to bring your own anyway just in case. It's also nice to bring a towel, small sheet, or even "puppy pad" or Chux if you're planning on sitting around naked or doing anything that might let off a few fluids. Your gracious host should not have to deal with your crotch-juice on their furniture.

4. Sobriety. Don't show up to a party drunk or high (and definitely don't get drunk or high while you're there). It's not safe to play under the influence and it's not socially acceptable to hang around a party smashed off your ass.

5. Managed expectations.
-You will get to socialize with lots of kinksters in a much more fun, relaxed, and flirty atmosphere than a munch.
-You will get to watch play. Probably some very cool and fascinating (and hot) play.
-There will be a bowl of M&Ms.
-If you came with a partner, you almost certainly will get the opportunity to play with each other. It may be a bit of a shuffle to get a good spot in the "dungeon" space if things are crowded, but it's usually not that hard. Ask a host if you're confused. Don't start whupping on each other in purely social space; no one wants a scene blocking the punchbowl or making a lot of noise and fuss on the chill-out couch.
-If you came alone, it's possible you'll find someone to play with. It's a toss-up. Depends on your social skills, depends on the crowd (some parties have a lot of pick-up play, some tend toward more prearranged scenes), depends on the whims of Fate. And depends whether you want to. If you're not comfortable playing, or if you get offers but they don't make you comfortable or aren't what you're looking for, it's perfectly okay to come to a party, socialize, watch some scenes, and go home.
-If you came alone, it's unlikely you'll get laid. As at any party, it could happen. But play parties are not orgies--a lot of people don't include sex in their play at all, or at least not casually. Some venues don't allow nudity or penetration. And even if you're surrounded by casual-fuckers in a sex-happy environment, I can't say if you'll get laid. Don't stake your enjoyment of the night on it. And certainly don't come to a party with the main intention of getting laid; not only will you likely be disappointed, but you'll miss out on enjoying everything else you could be experiencing at the party. Plus you'll be widely perceived as a total creeper.



Etiquette.
The etiquette at play parties is largely about consent. Someone being a kinkster, being at a party, or being identified as a sub/slave/bottom/slut/dom/etc. does not give you permission to do anything to them. Ask before you touch--any touch, not just sexy touch--and negotiate before you roleplay. Sometimes a scene may look like a free-for-all with a lot of people joining in, but this may be prearranged or the people may all know each other in a way you don't. Wait to be specifically invited.

The same rules apply to you. Anyone telling you that you "have" to call them by some exalted title or do something (even something innocuous like grabbing them a soda) for them is full of crap--you have the choice whether you'd like to do that or not. (Likewise anyone who wants to call you by some exalted title or do something for you.) Anyone touching you without asking is being rude, and anyone touching you sexually without asking is a fucking creep and you're within your rights to tell them to fuck off and immediately tell the host what they're doing.

Most parties will have quite a lot of people expressing non-heterosexual, non-cissexual, non-monogamous, generally non-inside-the-box sexuality in various ways. Be cool about it.

Ditto when you run into people practicing non-"glamorous" fetishes. There may be animal players, age players, people in diapers, people doing various forms of intentionally goofy-looking humiliation play, middle-aged men in somewhat unbecoming latex ballerina costumes. You don't have to be turned on by it to be cool about it.

Don't provide color commentary on scenes within earshot of the participants. It's okay to watch public-space scenes, and it's usually okay to have quiet conversation in the same room, but don't get distractingly loud and don't make any helpful "whoa, I think I can see her cervix" comments on the scenes.

Don't touch people's toys without their permission. Their toys may have been carefully cleaned, or recently made extremely unclean, or carry special emotional significance, or just be none of your damn beeswax.

As with munches, You Don't Talk About Fight Club. Talking about where a party is, who hosts it, who was there, what happened there--all ways to get other people in all kinds of unpleasant trouble.

Put a towel or sheet between your naked butt and the furniture. If not for the furniture's sake, then for your butt's.



Chill out and have fun.
The operative word in "play party" is party. No matter how well the night goes for you, between 75 and 100% of your time will be spent hanging out and socializing with kinky folks. Enjoy it, learn from it, and just relax in it. Don't expect to get all your fantasies fulfilled your first time out and don't spend the party stressing about how "much" you're going to "get." Grab another handful of M&M's, find a comfy spot on the couch, watch that gorgeous suspension scene they're setting up, and ask the ballerina man what he thinks of this weather we've been having.

How to get into BDSM (the short version).

So many negative posts lately! This is what happens when I don't get laid for an entire week. (Yes, yes, world's tiniest violin. It's called the "hedonic treadmill," guys, I have to be fucked in the manner to which I have become accustomed!) So now I'm going to do something positive, and provide a resource.




A Very Brief Primer on Getting Started in the BDSM Community

Step 1: Are you interested in BDSM?
Well? Are ya? This is something you just have to answer for yourself. A lot of kinksters feel like they've always been fascinated by pain, capitivity, and/or servitude; some only gain an interest when they learn about BDSM as adults. Two things that are important to know here:

1) What kind of interest do you have in BDSM? BDSM is what you and your partner(s) make it, so never feel that you have to do it "correctly"--anything safe and consensual is correct. So suss out, maybe even write down, what parts of BDSM interest you and in what role or roles you see yourself. Do you want to experience physical pain, or give it? Do you want to experience humiliation, or give it? Do you want to serve others, or to be served? Do you have specific fantasies or fetishes you want to fulfill? This stuff is all a la carte, remember, and there's no reason you can't receive pain while being dominant or neutral, or want to command someone but not hurt them, or any of a zillion other combinations. And whether, when, and how you add sex to this mix is also a la carte.

While many of these desires will come from or change with your experiences in BDSM, and while "I don't know, I'd have to try it" is a legitimate answer to the questions above, it's a good idea to have at least a rough idea to begin with. The more you know about what you want, the better your kinky experiences will be.

2) If you just want "sex, but spicier," you are probably not kinky, or at least don't have a thorough understanding of what kink entails. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone who wears tight black stuff and has a femme-fatale demeanor, but that's not really what the BDSM community is about. If that's all you want, you don't really need to get into BDSM at all, but simply try to get your vanilla partners to add that in.

Although kink and sex are often mixed, the kink community is not a swingers' or free-love community; there are more people here that will beat you but not fuck you than vice versa.


Step 2: The Internets.
Hands-down, the best site for BDSM socialization is Fetlife. It's not a dating site, and to this end it deliberately does not allow you to search for people along parameters like "submissive women under 30 in Boston." The point of Fetlife isn't to find individuals to hit up for play, but to find events in your locality and discussion groups about your interests. If you become a serious member of the BDSM community, kinky friends will be a far greater asset than partners--get people to talk with first, people to commit acts of sexual violence with second.

Kinky friends will teach you BDSM skills, tell you who's good people and who's not, tip you off to secret things that aren't talked about on the Internet, become your partners or help you find partners, and help you keep some goddamn perspective in our wacky mirror-world. They're a wonderful thing to have and will make your life in BDSM a million times more fun and real. You may crave partners, but you need friends.


Step 3: Your First Munch.
A munch is a public meeting of kinky folk where everyone just talks and socializes. These are easier to find in major metropolitan areas, of course, but there are some munches all over; check "events near me" in Fetlife. Dress in normal street clothes and don't expect any play. Do expect to be pleasantly surprised by the diversity, vivacity, openness, and "hey, these are just people"-ness of your local kink community. And while it's lovely to meet a partner at a munch, don't expect to, especially the first time out; as online, Objective Number One is to build up a strong support network of friends.

Once you start meeting people in person, remember that You Do Not Talk About Kink Club. BDSM is still illegal in a lot of places and frowned upon in most, and you don't know who's "out" to their friends and families, much less employers. Don't call people by their "scene names" outside kinky contexts (not only is yelling "Hey Mistress DarkFyre!" at someone on the street gauche, but yelling "Hey Jennifer!" can also cause her problems if the people she's with don't know her as Jennifer) and don't talk about who attends kinky events. Don't talk about where or when kinky events are, either. Careless words can absolutely devastate people and sometimes entire scenes.

Also, three notes on kink etiquette:
1) Don't touch people or their toys, even casually, without asking.
2) Call people by the names and pronouns they give you, even if they seem hopelessly silly.
3) Do not act submissive or dominant to someone unless you have negotiated this with them. (And don't let anyone do this to you.) You're all just people and all equals until you specifically agree to act otherwise.


Step 4: Actually Playing.
This part I can't cover in a quickie one-post guide, but I'll hit the highlights:

-Playing at a party, or with non-participating friends around, is much safer than playing one-on-one. This goes double if your play involves bondage. Use a lot of judgement and vetting before you let someone hurt you or tie you up when there's no one around who would hear you scream. (If you're a top, you're somewhat safer, but there are still untrustworthy or downright dangerous bottoms around, so it's still a good idea to have your first play experiences somewhere with witnesses.) If you are going to play with someone one-on-one, get your kinky friends' opinion on them first or make sure you know them damn well. Before the date, tell a kinky or sympathetic friend who you'll be with and where, and make sure your partner knows that your friend knows.

-Negotiate! That is, before you and your partner lay a finger on each other, sit down and talk about what it is that you propose to do to each other and what you absolutely mustn't do. No need to script the whole scene, but get an idea of what they're looking for--being hit? how hard? being given orders? to do what?--and of their limits. There is no "usual" and almost nothing "goes without saying."

-Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It's the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don't argue and you don't question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you've talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.

Don't be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough or "real" enough or you're accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they're not a mindreader and didn't realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there's no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.

I like to use a "stoplight" safeword system--red is the true emergency brake, yellow means "ease up, but I'm not done" (I'll also use it to state my needs, as in "yellow, it's hard for me to breathe in this position"), and green means "this is awesome, don't you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff."

Every bit of this goes for tops too.

-Experiment. Within the limits of safety and consensuality, never be afraid to break the mold of what play is "supposed" to look like. Sometimes it's one of you naked and cuffed to a St. Andrew's Cross being flogged; sometimes it's two clothed people on a sofa just using their bare hands. Sometimes it'll have you laughing your ass off, sometimes it'll have you fighting back, sometimes it'll have you in an altered state, sometimes it'll have you coming your brains out. It's all a la carte and you are not doing it wrong.



There's a lot more to say--there's whole books more to say--but I think that's a decent beginning.

Goofus and Gallant get into kink.

Goofus hears that kink has to do with sex, sees a bunch of pictures of sexy ladies in tight black things, and decides this is for him.
Gallant explores his own sexual desires and fantasies and finds that they involve BDSM or other fetishes, and decides this is for him.

Goofus joins FetLife and is frustrated that there's no search function for 18-22-year-old submissive females in his area. He has to seek them out and send wordless friend requests manually!
Gallant joins FetLife to read the event listings and discussion groups for his area, and to give kinky people a way to contact him. He friends people he meets in real life and people he's had interesting discussions with, whether they're sexual prospects or not.

Goofus doesn't want to go to a munch, because he'll be seen out in public with a bunch of freaks who are into whips and chains. Besides, if you can't play there, what's the point?
Gallant makes a point of attending his local munch, because it's a great way to meet people and make connections, and it's fun and sociable.

Goofus approaches potential partners with heavy-breathing nervousness, presumptive role-playing, or overwrought Game.
Gallant approaches potential partners as friends.

Goofus doesn't like having a bunch of weirdo freaks around.
Gallant may not be attracted to every gender, age, body type, and fetish of his co-kinksters, but he appreciates the diversity.

Goofus thinks negotiation takes all the spontaneity out of play, and anyway, isn't the Dom supposed to be making the rules here? Besides, he's not quite sure what he wants. You know, kinky shit.
Gallant insists on clear and levelheaded negotiation of both partner's boundaries before play, inquiring as to his partner's physical and emotional limits as well as their desires, and sharing his own.

Goofus decides on his first day that he wants to be a 24/7 live-in slave with no safeword, and everything else is just leading up to that.
Gallant starts slow and is sensitive to the possibility that his desires will change with time and experience.

Goofus touches people and their possessions as he wishes--after all, he's only being friendly and curious, he's not hurting anything.
Gallant says "may I hug you?" and "can I see that flogger?" every time it's even slightly questionable.

Goofus takes pictures at events, posts the location of the local dungeon on Facebook, and says "hey, I saw Joe at the munch" to Joe's friends.
Gallant makes sure what happens in Kinkland stays in Kinkland.

Goofus thinks munches are meat markets where people talk about kinky sex until they find someone to have kinky sex with.
Gallant thinks munches are social events where people talk about anything and everything and occasionally meet future partners, but doesn't expect anything beyond socialization.

Goofus has toys that look cool.
Gallant has toys he knows how to use.

Goofus has a lot of ideas about what "real" Doms and subs do, and if a Dom likes to suck cock or a sub doesn't like pain, he's baffled or even offended.
Gallant knows people like what they like, call themselves what they call themselves, and if everyone's having fun more power to them.

Goofus thinks subs really are lesser than Doms and genuinely doesn't respect them.
Gallant thinks at the end of the day we're all people, and people who choose to serve people, well, ditto.

Goofus gets a lot of ideas from porn.
Gallant gets a lot of ideas from talking to and watching more experienced kinksters.

Goofus doesn't want to be seen in public with his kink partners, and takes pride in dating a "normal" outside partner.
Gallant treats his kink partners the same as any others, be they one-night-stands or serious commitments, and takes pride in dating someone he has a great connection with.

Goofus thinks of kink as separate from his life, something he can stuff into a shameful little box that he only opens when he has a boner. He'd never dream of doing anything but kink with his kink friends, and he doesn't think of kink as a part of him--he's not some pervert, he just does this stuff for fun sometimes.
Gallant thinks of kink as a part of his life, sometimes a private part, but nonetheless one of the things that make him who he is. He is kinky, and doesn't define himself by it, but he accepts it.





(The "format" posts will stop when my fever goes under 102. I just don't have a lot of essays in me, man.)