Monday, March 17, 2008

Giving In.

I have trouble submitting. Not masochisting (or however you verb that); physically intense things are easy for me. But the same thick-skinned-ness that makes me able to take punishment keeps me from internalizing it, from going from "there's something hurting my skin" to "I am helpless." (The fact that I still have feminist and psychological reservations about whether internalizing that sort of thing is even a good idea only makes it harder.)

I backtalk a lot. It's some nervousness, some disliking Benny, but a lot of it comes from an inability to let go. To accept that for this fleeting instant my life isn't about me, isn't (directly) about what I want. To not just get on my knees and follow directions, but to actually give up control.

I want to. Maybe it's a stupid fantasy, maybe I wouldn't actually like it or it's not possible, but I really want Benny to somehow break through my ego and make me stop being me for a few minutes. I want to be made (very temporarily!) into this... animal... that isn't Holly, that doesn't have a big mess of thoughts and worries and desires and reservations, it just fucks and feels and is.

BDSM as meditation, maybe. I never did get the hang of real meditation. I kept thinking.

We could work out a scene for this, I think. With me blindfolded, immobilized, kept from speaking, and given pain beyond my limits, maybe I'd stop caring so damn much about myself. Or maybe even a scene where I'm free physically, but absolutely not allowed to express or act in service of my own desires. A habit I have worse than the backtalk is the small adjustment. "No, hit me a little lower." "Hangon, gotta cramp." "Loosen my knee, it's bent all funny." If I were kept in a scene where no such allowances were made, long enough and strictly enough, would I reach that state?

Being made selfless, thoughtless, not-me.... I don't want to live there, but someday I want to visit.


  1. By no means negating your desire to find out what's on the other side of that, I do wonder from this whether the D/s paradigm is what best serves your set of kinks.

    Just a thought, and one which you may have already explored.


  2. Sunflower - I hate to play the acronym game but I think it's appropriate here--what I do isn't D/s but SM. More hitty, less bossy.

    But sometimes the folks on the "bossy" end of the spectrum do seem to get an awful lot out of it and I guess I was thinking that just once I'd like to really experience that.

  3. From the department of Amazingly Presumptous Guessing, maybe the fact that you already know on a gut level that being emotionally vulnerable is a bad idea with Jon means you can't quite bring yourself to be that psychologically vulnerable with him even if it's "just" a scene?

  4. Oh, yeah, definitely not questioning that part. It sounds like what you're talking about with this post has to do with experiencing, or experiencing more fully, the phenomenon of "subspace". (I may be off-base; most of what I know about it is secondhand, and I haven't been hanging here long enough to have read much of your thinking on the subject.) I doubt I'll ever experience it myself, but that doesn't prevent me wondering what it's like on the inside.

    As for what I'd been trying to get at, never mind - I think what Labrat came up with is far more relevant to the situation.


  5. Yeah, I gotta go with LabRat on this one--total emotional and psychological submission (even temporarily) to someone you neither like nor really trust doesn't seem like a great idea.

    Of course, that could just be coming from my vanilla reservations. Masochism is a kink I can intellectually understand; submission creeps me the fuck out.

  6. Aebhel -Masochism is a kink I can intellectually understand; submission creeps me the fuck out.

    Honestly... me too. I actually don't think I believe this post any more but people have made interesting comments so I won't delete it.

    Still, what I'm talking about is momentary, in-scene, a transient altered state; the idea of being a submissive rather than simply experiencing subspace is noway, nohow for me.