Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Loving my body.

I've posted my disembodied tits and cooter on this blog before, but this is a bit harder.

This (NWS) is my whole damn body. (I was born with a rare facial disorder known as mybossmightseethisosis.)

Welp. I'm fat. But is that all I am? Is my whole body, that I have to live in and work with and fuck with, described by one word? (And a fairly relative one at that; I'm nobody's skinny but I'm not exactly buying a second airplane seat.) Fuck no. Here are some others:

Strong. I lift human beings for a living. I don't have a lot of athletic ability but I can transfer 200-pound people who bear no weight fifty times a day, and I wouldn't knock that until you try it.

Resilient. That body's had bones broken, skin scraped off, a joint knocked clear out of the socket, and to look at it you wouldn't even know. It fixes itself. It's magic.

Sexual. For whatever reason I have an enormous sex drive and a big damn part of that is physical. My body loves to be touched, loves even more to touch, comes often and hard and doesn't want to stop until it hurts. If then. It can make pain into pleasure and service into joy. Not in some fuzzy psychological way. I mean that being slapped and pinched and forced down can actually, very literally, feel as good as being fucked. Maybe better.

I want to say more good things about my body but I'm not sure where the line falls between image-positivity and flat damn narcissism, and anyway the truth is that I'm not anything special to look at. Because my body wasn't built to be looked at; it was built to be lived in. It's responsive and determined and giving, and that's hard to get into JPG format but that's why I love my body. Not because of what it is but what it does. It works hard, it fucks hard, it makes me happy and keeps me alive, and I have to love it for that.

Plus it's got the cutest damn nipples.


  1. I don't quite know how to say this, because you might think I'm a random internet stranger lying to be nice or something, and also I think there's a lot of bizarre fat-hate out there which I don't personally share (I rather like fat). But just so you know- to me at least you don't look at all fat in that picture.

  2. Sarah - Aww, thanks. (Is that even right? Should I even be saying "thanks for saying I'm not fat," or is that as unenlightened as saying "thanks for saying I'm as smart as a man"?) Well, whatever, you mean it nicely, so thanks.

    But to be honest it's a somewhat flattering pose/angle because I'm 5'3", 180, and not exactly making it up in muscle mass--I'm willing to be "fat but sexy", but "not fat" is probably stretching it.

  3. (Is that even right? Should I even be saying "thanks for saying I'm not fat," or is that as unenlightened as saying "thanks for saying I'm as smart as a man"?)
    That's kind of why I didn't know how to phrase it, yeah. :)

  4. Another internet stranger being odd (me)!

    That's fat? Even taking into account the way you're standing ... that's not fat. Plump, yeah. Average, for these days, even.

    The way you talk about yourself, occassionally, make it sound like you're HUUUGE (not that it's necessarily a bad thing either, everyone is different and likes different stuff).

    So not fat ... and actually pretty good.

  5. I'm going to be brutally honest with you, as that's the only way you'll get the point.

    When you claimed you were fat long ago, I prepared myself for the worst. I had seen far too many women claim they were "above average" when they really DO need two seats on an airplane. Hearing an admission of "I'm fat" steeled me for whale territory.

    But now I see you, and... what the heck were you on about? Fat? I think our definitions are a bit different. You've a beautiful body. It reminds me of statues and paintings of women from ancient Greece and other times, back when we didn't have the mass media saying "thin for the win". No, you have a much better body than you give yourself credit for. Absolutely perfect proportions. Curves; yes please.

    The two men you're sleeping with aren't exceptions to the rule, they ARE the rule. More men prefer women like you over rail-thin Paris Hilton heroin chicks any day of the week.

    I'm not saying this to flatter you, this is the gods honest truth. It's not like I'm trying to curry sexual favors, as I'm just another guy on the internet.

    Also, you do have a cute pussy. :P

  6. Owen, Anonymous - Aw, thanks. (I really wasn't trying to compliment-fish.)

    And I must keep in mind that when people don't see me and it's the Internet, "I'm... a little chunky" reads as "I need a special little scooter." But no, no, I'm just the overly-self-critical kind of little-chunky!

    I have gotten told I'm fat for pretty much my whole life, but... generally not from people whose opinion I asked for in the first place.

  7. Bear in mind you're 22, I think 'most of your life' means high school / college. People get bullied for a mole on their face, worse if they have the gall to not conform to the Britney Spears look. Besides, anorexic women are no fun - too fragile. Doesn't combine well with rough sex. :P

    I know you weren't fishing for compliments, you're just as bad as I am. That doesn't mean you aren't going to get them. :)


    Look familiar?

  9. I too suffer from that disease. I do have to agree with you on the nipple part. Yum

  10. I've been reading this blog from back to front (literally; I started at the home page and worked my way back through time to here) for I think about a week now, and since this is apparently the closest I'll get to seeing you, I figure it is the best post on which to leave the following comment:

    Hi Holly! :-)
    You have a damn fine mind, and a nice body, and I wish there were an order to those words that didn't imply anything besides "I will be reading the rest of your blog and then probably bookmarking it."

  11. Same reaction as Owen over here. I was expecting to see much more body than is in that photo! But curvy ladies with plenty of plump are the ones I like to look at most. Bones can be attractive, but curves are better. Heck, sometimes I wish my hip bones didn't jut out as much as they do.

    Also, jealous of your hairless ladybits. I don't know how people accomplish this without terrible pain and agony. (I think I'm just a wimp.)