Monday, February 9, 2009

Why You Aren't Getting Laid.

This post is for all the men out there who wail to the heavens that they're not getting laid and it isn't faaaaaiiiir. (Okay, it's for one man, and his name rhymes with "Peurosabra." But I know a few other guys who read this and demonstrate these behaviors to a lesser extent, and maybe there are others lurking, so consider this a public service announcement.) Here are five possible reasons you're not getting laid. I have to warn you, none of them are "having sex is impossible for you and it's not your fault, bitches only want millionaires with rock-hard abs."

1) You are unattractive.
I don't just mean ugly. I mean that you're not doing obvious things to make yourself attractive. You're wearing sweatpants and programming-language t-shirts everywhere, you're not so tidy with your grooming, you're not going to the gym, you're laughing loudly through your nose, you're ignoring everyone at the party except the ones you want to fuck. Losing weight takes a long time and your face and personality may never change, but there are things you can do in one day without any painful sacrifices.

2) You think you're a loser.
Few attitudes are less sexy than "I know I'm fat and shlumpy and boring... but does someone wanna fuck me anyway?" When you think you're unfuckable, you have an amazing power to transmit that belief to others. When you walk around--not like you're hot shit, that will backfire--but just like you're a regular person who's no worse than anyone else--other people start to believe it too.

3) You're aiming too high.
It never ceases to amaze me how men who complain that they can't get anyone will then turn around and tell me that they're only attracted to women who meet ridiculously exacting standards. "I can't meet a girl" turns out to really mean "I can't meet the 0.05% of girls I find acceptable." You choosy beggar. Now, I'm not telling you to fuck someone you don't find attractive, that's not fair to you or her. But I am telling you to reassess your standards. Figure out which ones you actually need to feel a connection with someone, and which ones are stupid bullshit you made up for some bullshit reason. If you only feel attracted to skinny women, that may just be you; if you find yourself exclusively attracted to 26-year-old blonde tennis players with advanced degrees and perfect skin, I'm sorry, there's some stupid bullshit in there.

Don't form a mental image of the perfect woman and then search for a real woman who matches. Empty your mind of preconceptions, look at real women for what they are, and decide how much you like them, not how close they are to your ideal.

4) You're not really trying.
Some guys who complain about not getting laid are really complaining that a sexy woman isn't knocking on their door while they sit at home twiddling their thumbs and watching "Intervention." If you don't get your ass out there, you've got no chance. It doesn't have to be a meat market; anywhere you meet people, from a dog park to a continuing-ed class to a friend's house to OkFrickin'Cupid, is better than huddling up in your cave.

5) You're a creep.
Maybe #4 doesn't apply to you. Maybe instead you're trying way too hard. You're looking for the angle, trying to beat the game. Sarging, negs, NLP, silly hats--good fuck, what is wrong with you? Human fucking beings don't fucking work like that. (If they did, you'd be getting laid enough that you'd mellow out and shut up about this bullshit.) You're going to come off as a sweaty, huffling Creepasaurus when you do that shit.

(Incidentally: have you ever noticed that guys who do the PUA shit the hardest tend to be the ones who neglect the kindergarten basics of being attractive? There's nothing quite like having a guy lay his hand "casually" in your personal space and ask you to think of a time you were very attracted to someone, and realizing that his breath smells like dead rats.)


  1. Well aware that this list may in part be aimed at me, I don't want to protest too much, but there's at least one big category that's missing from this list: You're looking for more than just sex, and that can be hard to find.

    Mr. Rat-Breathed PUA may get laid a lot, but he's always disappointed that it's not by Hayden Panttiere. I get laid some, but it's not as much as it might be in part because I'm always hoping that it will be in the context of a relationship.

    1. No.
    2. Maybe.
    3. Maybe.
    4. No.
    5. No.

    So I'm 10 to 20 percent turd, but that relates to being single, not to a dry cock.

    Now I want to see a list for the whiny single women.

  2. Bruno - You among others, yeah. The really harsh parts aren't you though! Except #3. That's kinda you.

    Unfortunately, looking for more than sex isn't a flaw, it's something I don't have a great handle on myself yet, so I can't give snotty advice in that area.

    The whiny-single-woman list is similar, but not identical, and I should write it. (Just looking at this list, women seem to have a lot more trouble with #2 and #4, much less with #1 and #5.)

  3. I may be totally wrong here, and my perspective may be skewed, but it's never appeared to me as if #5 Creepy Guys, as a whole, have a lot of trouble in the getting laid department. Actually, it seems like I've had plenty of otherwise sane and intelligent female friends who have found themselves having sex with creepy guys; can't really explain why, and have trouble extricating themselves, and feel cheap and dirty afterward, but there you have it.

  4. Ce n'est pas du tout la peur.

    1. No.
    2. Yes, BUT...working on it.
    3. Definitely, but why does it matter? Things are more subtle, and it's her choice anyway.
    4. Definitely, and I'm working on it.
    5. I am so far away from mental norms that I am living proof that really, really interesting people can learn to handle body language cues and personal space appropriately.

    I've moved on to a different topic of sulk, BTW. My latest play partner decided that our interaction should include her orgasms but not mine, that she was uncomfortable with my open relationship (but not her open marriage) because of BDSM issue #10, and she zipped off on vacation to try dating women.

    Now every couple of days I get a rather dry news-of-the-day text from her. At this point, she's just another woman who's just not that into me.

  5. Lawrence - Well, I don't sleep with 'em, maybe that's what I meant. And I do see those guys get turned down an awful lot and end up in the corner with each other at the end of the night, grousing about how it's all the bitches' fault.

    Eurosabra - It sounds like you'd be in the right to cut ties with her if you don't find these things acceptable. So she's not into you; find someone who is, dude.

    And I noticed you posted this on figleaf's blog: "The only leverage I have on women is to deny them the time, attention, and sex I might lavish on they can quite easily, nay instantaneously, replace with time, attention, and sex from someone, um, else."

    Dude, that is so ridiculously not true. First of all, you're not exerting "leverage" on someone, you're supposed to be actually liking each other. And secondly, women can not go find time and attention anywhere they want--you're either talking about exceptionally attractive women or you're talking out your ass. And thirdly, no one else can give her your attention--are you giving women any reason to want that?

  6. 6. Your wife feels fat.
    7. Your wife had a hard day at work.
    8. Your wife has a day off from work.
    9. Just because.

  7. Well, to be fair, 7, 8 and 9 might happen more often because a hard day at work, a day off, and "just because" are all good reasons to make a move as far as I'm concerned.

  8. Holly- I was going to suggest that the title of the post should be 'Why You Aren't Getting Laid By Holly', but then I decided that the reasons you listed were pretty damn universal. As far as the creepy guys go, it may well be my skewed perspective, as a ball-bearing human: these same creepy guys go out of their way to impress on other ball-bearing types how MUCH pussy they are getting on a daily basis...

  9. It really hurt my fee-fees to have a really dear friend call everything off at the last moment, especially in the context of a situation where everyone is openly poly. I have a lot of ability and illness issues and it really isn't so great a leap to note that even the average woman is radically privileged in the "getting laid" department compared to me.

    I would argue that my main problems stem from not doing enough in general, and not doing enough to distinguish myself from the herd in particular, and the vicissitudes of being severely atypical in body and mind.

    And yes, where I live there's an incredible abundance of stereotypically-attractive women.

  10. I would argue that my main problems stem from not doing enough in general, and not doing enough to distinguish myself from the herd in particular, and the vicissitudes of being severely atypical in body and mind.

    No, your main problem is that you are CREEPY. Your statement about "a dear friend" is the absolute closest I have EVER heard you to come to acknowledging absolutely anything about any woman as being relevant to you other than two things:

    1. How attractive she is.
    2. Whether or not she will have sex with you.

    And even then, I'm STILL not sure if your definition of a "dear friend" when it comes to a woman isn't "an attractive woman who will have sex with me more than once". You talk about being in an "open poly" relationship, but we've never heard word one about your supposed girlfriend or girlfriends; so far as we can tell, the only thing about them that counts is that they will not only have sex with you on a regular basis, but will also allow you to have sex with other women.

    Oh, and you're really pissed off that other women that you acknowledge as being much more attractive than you are- and dude, I don't care if you live in the official Hollywood Neighborhood, there are ALWAYS plain girls around- will not have sex with you more often. Apparently, it is unfair institutionalized "privilege" that you want to have sex with them and they don't want to have sex with you AND they can tell you "no".

    Everything you say about dating and women comes out as if you're not living in a world with other real people, but a video game world where the computer has unfair rules. Hey, you input "attention" and "time" and the bitch broke it off anyway or never even started! The computer is a cheating bastard! I need to respec my stats!

    Meanwhile, you're in an open poly relationship. You're getting laid, you're just not getting all the pussy you want. And apparently, this is female "privilege" and a sign of deep universal unfairness against you, when you deserve more for all you've had to supposedly overcome. (Never mind what the women deserve- they're just NPCs.)


  11. Labrat, I love you and want to have your babies.

  12. Labrat, Holly, I think I love both of you for this post and comment section. ;)

    Eurosabra, you are without a doubt the creepiest person I've ever interacted with. Absolute truth, full stop. The idea that you exist as something other than a 14 year old boy trolling blogs makes me fear for humanity. It would make me weep for your loved ones, but I don't believe you to be capable of love.

  13. You should hear my ideas on the Middle East conflict.

    I am resisting the temptation to rant back, given that my main failure is a lack of empathy. Suffice to say that I find the blandishments of an experimental rodent less than inspiring. Yes, I compartmentalize to hell and gone, having been through the meat grinder of the Israel-Palestine conflict, and three suicide bombings from up close are not good for the psyche.

    As far as the "dear friend" goes, a lot of the women I'm closest with as friends have never slept with me, and I do bond normally in relationships, with the caveat that I don't much care for monogamy. (And I am also on good terms with almost all of my exes, with geographical separation taken into account.) What you see here is mainly me after I've had time to be alone with my loneliness, which is pretty grating. As am I.

    You just dumped the normal "male entitlement" rant on me, with the caveat that it's a hell of a lot more eloquent than usual. The fact is that I don't often have sex (illness issues of my own, and my gf's illness and disability, mean once a month if we're lucky) and I have a bit of the social invisibility attached to the disabled.

    I love having a bunch of kinky little white kids call me creepy from inside their safe little bubble.

  14. Since you're probably going to ban me, I should probably clarify that by the last sentence I mean that you have elements of privilege I (as a visibly differently-abled brown Middle Eastern male with a chronic illness) *don't*.

  15. Wow, way to race bait. Y'know, I'm going to share a story. I know a guy, we'll call him A. A looks, frankly, like someone punched him in the face as a baby. His eyes are sunken in on both sides, it's really kind of startling and not normal looking. A's not attractive in what you'd call a conventional sense. And yet, I never see A without female companionship. This might be because A(who is, for the record, not a "kinky little white kid") doesn't spend his time cunting and bitching and moaning about how terrible his life is; in fact, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone hearing him say that, ever. Makes you think, assuming you're not a whiny little punk-ass. If you're that whiny punk, I can't really help you.

    Also, if we're gonna play "more terrorized than thou", don't try to play it with me. I've seen friends of mine get stabbed up close. Growing up's hard no matter where you do it. Such a shame you haven't grown the fuck up, Euro.

  16. Eurosabra -

    A) Oh no, honey, I'm not going to ban you! I'm just going to mock you and encourage your mocking until you start talking the slightest sense or you leave. (My money's on the leaving.)

    B) I don't know why you assume everyone who disagrees with you is young/white/kinky and has had their way in life paved with bunnies and rainbows. Ain't remotely so.

    C) Even if it was true, so what? Lacking "privilege" doesn't give you the right to be a fuckin' creep. You could be a limbless Aborigine who'd spent twelve years in prison, I still wouldn't be impressed with the way you talk about women as targets or bitches and yourself as the poor widdle victim being denied your human right to pussy.

    D) And never mind right, being a fuckin' creep clearly isn't making you happy, so why do you want to defend it?

    E) So, uh, when you say you're poly, does that mean that you've actually had a partner or partners this whole time and you're still having your little whinefest? Cripes!

    F) When everyone (and my commenters are hardly my minions, believe me, they're the first ones in my face when I say stupid shit) says you sound like a creep, maybe the problem really is you.

  17. A)I doubt you can turn up the heat as high as a standard Middle East blog. So I'll probably start talking sense first.

    B)You're right on that count, although so far Bruno and Don Gwyinn are the only non-self-identified kinksters who comment here.

    C)Banging head against brick wall leads to relief when you STOP.

    D)See above.

    E)I have a partner, just not sex, for reasons that she intends to remedy at some point if her health allows. In the meantime, I provide intimacy, backrubs, and moral support. And my latest attempt to add a partner kinda backfired, as noted above, and so now I'm in a poly kinda LJBF-land, which is really, really interesting.

  18. You just dumped the normal "male entitlement" rant on me

    No, I dumped the Eurosabra the entitled prick rant on you. As an individual, not a "male". The closest I come to hanging out in feminist circles is the brushes Holly has with them, and I don't normally think about "male entitlement" any more than I think about music theory. I don't have a problem with "male entitlement", I have a problem with YOU seeming to think that YOU are entitled to sex with women you deem acceptably attractive.

    Your color does not matter here. It never has. I had no idea what color you were until you indignantly started waving it around. Neither does your disability. I can't see you, I can only read what you write, and you absolutely and consistently come off as someone who only sees women as sexual targets, not to mention so self-centered it's a shock you haven't collapsed into your own gravity well. Admitting that and then turning around and blaming it on your trauma or your lack of privilege doesn't make your behavior any less creepy. You're lonely? Maybe your self-admitted "lack of empathy"- read you're self-centered and see women as targets to manipulate into sex- has something to do with that. Call me crazy.

    Everybody has the choice whether or not to have sex with someone else. Calling it "female privilege" when someone- no matter how attractive they are and which gender they are- doesn't want to have sex with you is CREEPY, as it implies you're some sort of victim of their having that choice. You can politicize it with race and ability all you like, but that will never, ever not be true.

    As for my age, my kink status, and my race, you can read whatever you like into it- I suspect whatever makes you feel most victimized- and it will still not be remotely relevant to any of this. Unless, of course, you're arguing that racial minorities, the disabled, and people who've survived trauma inevitably become selfish, entitled, and generally, uh, creepy. Which is definitely not a thesis I'd have come up with, but if that's your argument I'd like to see you defend it.

  19. Eurosabra- )Banging head against brick wall leads to relief when you STOP.
    Actually, I kinda enjoy it--like picking a scab, you know it's doing no good but it's so darn satisfying. But I'm more curious why you're proud to be the metaphoric brick wall.

    I have a partner, just not sex, for reasons that she intends to remedy at some point if her health allows. In the meantime, I provide intimacy, backrubs, and moral support. And my latest attempt to add a partner kinda backfired, as noted above, and so now I'm in a poly kinda LJBF-land, which is really, really interesting.
    Okay, so you have *friends*. And you're being an absolutely classic Nice Guy--I give her hugs and support now, she OWES me a fuckfest later, right?

    Christ, "LJBF-land." You make it sound like being friends with a woman is something that's been imposed on you. I have male friends, but I'm not "LJBF"ing them, I'm not actively denying them sex, we're--FRIENDS. Me being platonic friends with them isn't a torment or a trial, it's... it's what people freakin' do!

    If someone's taking advantage of you, either tell them to fuck off or decide you love to serve, because you will not be "paid back" someday.

    If you want a girlfriend, get a girlfriend, don't get a friend or a fuckbuddy and hope or hallucinate.

    You are not owed sex. You cannot earn sex. You cannot win sex. You won't get sex because you deserve it.

    Sex isn't something you "get from" women, sex is something you do with other human beings.

  20. Holly,

    It strikes me once again that you're one of the more perceptive bloggers on this topic, having been fairly open about the "But I WANNA!"-effect. I think you're also missing the difference between disappointment and entitlement. Be that as it may, it restricts your field of view quite a bit. These are women I want in of my life, but I am getting a bit frazzled and I have to cool it a bit in my head. We'll work things out in a friendly, non-pressured fashion and I'll be okay with whichever way it goes.