A confession: this issue was somehow less reprehensible than most. There were points when I thought "You know, I could cherry-pick a couple silly sentences but there's nothing really wrong with this." The article on "fun things to do naked" struck me as awfully sweet and free-spirited, there's an article on date ideas that sound fun and reasonable, and a sex-advice article I even agree with. The theme is "fuck like a man," which contains an assumption worth quibbling with, but the messages within--don't be self-conscious, love your genitals, seek your own pleasure, don't have sex until you're really turned on--are solid, I'm embarrassed to admit. I just can't hate on an article that contains a section headed "Your Crotch Is Awesome."
But don't worry, it's not all puppies and hugs in this Cosmocking. Because there might've been three or four decent articles (plus the fashion and makeup articles which I can't even judge, it's complete Greek to me), but there were... others.
Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had The Guts
We're not fans of your hamster-size dog. It's high-maintenance, temperamental, and embarrassing to be seen with.
Ah yes, men have labradors and German shepherds, women have chihuahuas and toy poodles. And the man dogs are the only "real" dogs. Women get small breeds not because we live in an apartment or we genuinely like them, but because we're silly little girls who like silly little things.
Threatening to revoke sexual privileges is both cruel and unfair and leaves us no equal measure of recourse.
Hurrr, funny joke, I know, but still. My body isn't like the community pool that you can visit any time the door isn't locked, it's not something left open by default and occasionally closed as a punishment, it's attached to a goddamn person. The thing a lot of guys don't seem to get is that for a woman to not deny them sex, she has to have sex too. Giving a guy "sexual privileges" doesn't amount to handing him a key and walking away, it means her whole naked body is going to be wrapped up in his and that's awfully unpleasant to be doing if you don't actively want it yourself.
Ooh, an article on aphrodisiacs! I do love when Cosmo does "science."
Asparagus
NO. I don't care what chemical it has that supposedly enhances whatever, do not eat asparagus before sex. Please. You know how it makes your pee smell all weird? It does that to other fluids too.
Bananas: Another reason to think about sex when you wrap your lips around this phallus-shaped fruit: Chiquitas deliver potassium, a nutrient key to muscle strength. So when you orgasm, the contractions will be superintense.
If you weren't getting enough potassium to have an orgasm, you wouldn't be able to stand up. But it doesn't work the other way; you can't turn into Wonder Woman and lift cars with your vagina if you get extra potassium, you're just going to pee it out. It's like gassing up a car--filling the tank to overflowing isn't going to give it extra horsepower. It just Doesn't Work That Way.
There's a section called "The Single Girl's Bible" with various factoids for women who have not yet landed themselves a
Sorry to be positive again, but the model for the "50 things to do naked" article has such an exceptionally real body and smile that I wonder if Cosmo had some sort of editorial turnaround. She's in good shape and she's wearing makeup, but she's just not... Cosmofied. She looks like she's having fun rather than trying to seduce the camera. She's got small breasts and visible hip fat and she's laughing so hard her face is scrunched up. I kind of love these photos. Damn, which magazine am I reading again?
On the other hand, there's an article on home security for women living alone that basically comes off as "you fool, a woman can't live alone, she'd be a babe in the woods!" (Naturally, it doesn't even mention guns. This is a magazine for women, sillypants!)
Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms or potential thieves at a distance.
I'm pretty sure thieves don't care if they have to destroy a little bit of landscaping, and as for peepers, maybe you should just close your curtains when you take your clothes off.
20 percent of all violent crimes occur in the victim's home--more than in any other venue. The greatest number of rapes and sexual assaults (33 percent)... happen in the victim's home as well.
That's because you're massively more likely to be assaulted or raped by someone you know. These statistics don't represent home invasions, they represent truly shitty boyfriends, and there's nothing you're going to plant in front of the windows to get rid of those.
And the improvements it suggests to make your home safer: good locks, 911 on speed-dial, a panic alarm, a dog. (Pictured, bizarrely, is a tiny West Highland terrier.) What's missing from this list?
Actual self-defense.
Ooh, a Kahr. Full-sized, no less. Good choice. Sweet! :-)
ReplyDeleteJohn
To be fair, a barking dog of ANY size is a fairly good deterrent. I'm not sure I'd want to see a proper guardian breed in the hands of someone who takes Cosmo as a good advice source...
ReplyDeleteI don't like dogs, the speed-dial on my phone doesn't work, and I live in a crappy apartment complex that barely let me install a deadbolt, let alone a security system.
ReplyDeleteBut when I'm home alone, I sleep with a 12-gauge shotgun under the bed. I'm not a great shot, but with buckshot at close range, you don't really have to be.
Threatening to revoke sexual privileges is both cruel and unfair and leaves us no equal measure of recourse.
ReplyDeleteWait, I'm not allowed to say no to sex?
J.R.Shirley - It's a T9, her name is Kara, and she is awesome.
ReplyDeleteLabRat - True, but I'm still not sure why a Westie... Anyway, no matter the breed I think it's a dumb idea to get a dog just to be a living burglar alarm. Waaaayyy too much maintenance for a Cosmo girl.
Aebhel - Nice. My roommate has a shotgun under the bed too. I just have the 9mm in my drawer, I guess I'm complacent.
Jfpbookworm - Why would you ever say no to sex? You're male! That's just... that's not something you do!
We thought that the 'Sexy Issue' designation was just unnecessary - they're usually so demure and discreet that it was perfectly obvious that this issue was way different.
ReplyDeleteI went to Cosmo in search of the yummy-sounding model for "50 Things to Do Naked," but came away empty-handed (ha). I offer the following list of most-searched terms on the Cosmo site, however:
ReplyDelete1. oral sex
2. horoscope
3. masturbation
4. oral
5. orgasm
6. quizzes
7. blow job
8. quiz
9. sex positions
10. anal sex
Bruno - Pervocracy delivers.
ReplyDeleteNo longer empty-handed!
ReplyDeleteI owned a P9 for a while, but have never had a chance to handle one of the larger Kahrs or talk to anyone who owns one. Sounds like you like her- I only name my favorites. :-)
ReplyDeleteJohn
Dude, there's a huge risk of being shot by an intruder with your own gun if you have one. And it just makes you way more at risk of shooting people accidentally, including yourself. Simply owning a gun doesn't make you any safer, really. If you worry about safety and self defence then learning a good martial art well is a better idea - it can't be used against you the same way a gun can.
ReplyDeleteBut then, you're in the USA, so I guess that's not how you folks do things, eh?
Women get small [dog] breeds not because we live in an apartment or we genuinely like them, but because we're silly little girls who like silly little things.
ReplyDeleteI think women are "allowed" to get big dogs for protection, but not just because they think they're fun. Just as women are "allowed" to study martial arts for self defense, but not because they want to compete in tournaments.
(Thanks to LabRat for the heads up!)
ReplyDeleteAJK:
Dude, there's a huge risk of being shot by an intruder with your own gun if you have one.
Dude, there's not.
And, Dude, if yoju think so, you might want to deconstruct your scenario just a bit more and think about what it would entail. A violent, murderous intruder... aided by the gun.
The fact you've got a murderous, violent intruder planning to kill you? Yeah, see, *that's* the problem.
And it just makes you way more at risk of shooting people accidentally, including yourself.
Dude, it doesn't.
Simply owning a gun doesn't make you any safer, really. If you worry about safety and self defence then learning a good martial art well is a better idea - it can't be used against you the same way a gun can.
Dude, are you like, bogarting that?
First off, she's learning a "martial art". A very useful one.
I'm 6'2. I can pick up someone Holly's size - even if they're somewhat trained in Martial Arts - and toss them like a rag doll.
So, dude, she could spent hours and hours and hours trying to defeat biology and basic physics, and at some point, she might get to a point where she could defeat more than 50% of the men in the country.
What does she do if there are 2, or 3?
Or she can spent much less time at the range, working on mental prep, and be able to meet and -evenly- deal with multiple attackers.
But then, you're in the USA, so I guess that's not how you folks do things, eh?
Nope. Which is why we actually empower women and insist on their equality. I know, it's a novel concept and we're about the only place it exists. But it's how we do it here. Eh.
Sorry, dude, guns just work better than unarmed techniques. See Rebellion, Boxer.
ReplyDeleteWeren't unarmed martial arts invented by disarmed populations so they could have some means of self defense?
ReplyDeleteGuns are always the better self defense choice.
AJK - You've already gotten dogpiled, but why would I let that stop me?
ReplyDeleteDude, there's a huge risk of being shot by an intruder with your own gun if you have one.
Not really. Also, if there's an intruder who's violent enough to shoot me, I'm sure as fuck not going to get off easy just because there's no gun around.
And it just makes you way more at risk of shooting people accidentally, including yourself.
There are no kids in my house and I'm quite careful about safety. My gun's not going to shoot me by itself, I'm not going to get it out unless I suspect a threat, and I'm not going to touch the trigger unless I'm absolutely certain about the threat.
Simply owning a gun doesn't make you any safer, really. If you worry about safety and self defence then learning a good martial art well is a better idea - it can't be used against you the same way a gun can.
I do, actually, know a bit of Krav Maga. But I'm 5'2". I could probably kick the ass of a lone unarmed 5'2" woman... and that's it. Even if I trained insanely hard for years (and let's face it, I haven't and won't) I'm never going to train mass, leverage, or more-than-one-person-ness into myself.
But then, you're in the USA, so I guess that's not how you folks do things, eh?
Is "in the USA" some sort of insult these days? I'm in a country where they'll let me defend myself effectively. I'm pretty cool with that.
First off, I've been held off by a Westie, once. Ironically, my own dog, she threw a fit when I showed up in a fedora and sunglasses she'd never seen before. There was no way I was getting into the house, she saw to that. Hat and glasses came off, and my best friend came back. I guess the moral of the story is don't underestimate a small dog, any more than you'd underestimate a smaller person.
ReplyDeleteThe Cosmo cutie, is.
Properly trained and equipped, a person with a gun is safer than one without. It is that simple.
As for denying sex, not feeling like it is one thing. Using it as punishment or trade fodder is entirely different. I know firsthand, and it can and will ruin relationships.
Wow, that Cosmo model *does* look like a real person...what got into them?
ReplyDeleteMore dogpiling!
"Dude, there's a huge risk of being shot by an intruder with your own gun if you have one."
...Why would they know where my gun is? Why would they be able to get at it without me noticing?
"And it just makes you way more at risk of shooting people accidentally, including yourself."
Only if you're a moron. There's some very simple safety rules one can follow to avoid just that.
"If you worry about safety and self defence then learning a good martial art well is a better idea - it can't be used against you the same way a gun can."
I've trained in a martial art for years. A couple of them, in fact. I am a 5'6 female and don't weigh terribly much--I'm well aware that even with my training, a bigger guy could use his height and weight against me. Also, sure martial arts are great for close range...but if an intruder or attacker has gotten that close to me, something has gone horribly wrong.
And actually, the best self-defense is not to be someplace where you can get into a dangerous situation, but that's not always possible.
"But then, you're in the USA, so I guess that's not how you folks do things, eh?"
Why yes, my country allows me to defend myself in the most equalizing way possible. I quite appreciate the consideration.
I have serious wood grip envy.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about getting some for mine, but I have a sub, and I may need the extra grip, so I am waffling between wood and a hogue.
The wood is sure prettier though.
AJK said...stuff.
ReplyDelete"Dude", how is the intruder going to remove the firearm from me to shoot me with it? I'm curious. The only other firearms in the house are in- you guessed it- (well, maybe you didn't) my room.
How does knowing how to safely use a firearm make me more likely to use it unsafely? That's just stupid.
You're right. Simply owning any defensive tool doesn't make you safer. Owning a defensive tool and being willing to use it makes you safer.
I trained for about 10 years in the most devastating martial art I could find. In one of the better schools I trained in, almost everyone there had a black belt in some art. The quickest piece of advice I give to anyone wanting to defend themself? Use a tool.
I am in the USA, where we have learned how to use tools. I guess unlike idiot wankers elsewhere who haven't risen to tool-user status yet.
I'd like to see Rachael Ray posing like the Cosmo girl with the sundaes!
ReplyDeleteCan I just chime in here and mention that I love the XD40? Or SiG P225. Just what I happened to shoot 1st in the States (as opposed to milspec stuff in the Homeland), not arguing about supposed superiority/inferiority of the Kahr.
ReplyDeleteMay I suggest the Winchester Ranger low-recoil 00 buckshot for the scattergun? Very nice stuff.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll add to AJK:
A:I have arthritis in my hands; you think I want to punch somebody if I can help it? Screw that.
B: Unarmed fighting methods mean I HAVE to let the bad guy get close: screw that, too. Basic rule of non-PC self-defense is DO NOT LET THEM GET IN REACH IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. Which is where the scattergun or pistol come in.
To very belatedly (I know this is years later, but I just couldn't read all that without comment) put forward a contradictory view to the dog-pile - guns in the home put women in more, rather than less danger.
ReplyDeleteThe comments here have all assumed that the situation is about an intruder (presumably following on from the Cosmo article), but as Holly's cosmocking pointed out, women are more at risk from people they know. Access to a gun increases a woman's chances of being killed by her husband or boyfriend by five times. They make it more likely an attack will prove lethal and reduce the chance of victims escaping or outsiders intervening to assist them.
(Source for what I've cited above is a 2005 Amnesty International report on The Impact of Gun's on Women's Lives.)
All-in-all, I would have thought it incredibly irresponsible had Cosmo recommended guns as a handy home security tip.
@Anonymous above me
ReplyDeleteI'm also kind of perturbed by all this 'Hurr ah live in a REAL country that lets me DEFEND mahself!'
I mean, because people in Canada and the UK are just dropping like flies.
"And the improvements it suggests to make your home safer: good locks, 911 on speed-dial, a panic alarm, a dog. (Pictured, bizarrely, is a tiny West Highland terrier.) What's missing from this list?"
ReplyDeleteI don't know how OK you are with things that are highly offensive and are TRYING to be highly offensive, but Encyclopedia Dramatica (which could possibly cause you to collapse into conniptions of rage with how sexist it is) has a great article about dogs.
I know this post is old as anything, but still. I have been reading this blog for maybe a week, and going through some old posts as well, and I really like your style, Holly. But I really must talk about the guns now.
ReplyDeleteAnd first of all I really want to say how offending I find it that all of the people who have dog-piled on AJK have downright insulted everyone who is not a US-citizen. Someone even implied that people outside the USA are stupider than they are because they don't use guns as freely.
Now, I'm from Finland. It is a small country ending the west border of Russia on the shore of the Frozen sea. Our population is a little over 5 million, and compared to the area of land we have, we have little people. And our country probably has more guns than any other country, if we look at the percentage of people who have guns and how many, instead of the raw number of how many exactly. Why do we have so many guns? Because my people like to hunt, and they like to use their guns. People in Finland who own a handgun most likely have a hobby of shooting at the range. People who have a rifle use it to hunt animals. Probably most of the guns in Finland are rifles. My family owns 2 rifles, one for my dad, and one for my brother. When you are getting a rifle, you need to have a locked cupboard to store the weapons and other equipment such as bullets. In Finland, even if you have a permission to carry a gun, it's not an overall permission to walk with it where ever you like. You can transport your rifle, but you cannot walk with it on the street.
The only way you are going to carry a gun on the streets of Finland is if you're a policeman on duty. If you are met on the street by a policeman with a weapon of any kind, be it knife or a gun or even a piece of iron meant to wrap on your knuckles to make your punches more effective, you get 1) arrested, 2) a fine.
So, I am not going to argue whether or not you're safer with a gun or not, but instead, I'm saying that don't you think that everyone is safer if no one at all has a weapon? That way the only way other people can hurt you is with their bare fists. If you want to carry something to protect yourself, carry a pepperspray, but I'm glad I have no need of it, as I don't put myself to places where I would need it.
Sorry for commenting on such an old post, but it just seems weird and plain wrong with the whole "if you're a small woman you never/(barley ever)have a chance of defeating a man who attacks you" vibe in the comments.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I've been doing martial arts since I was twelve, and I know that size and strength makes a difference in a fight, but that much of a difference? I'm 5'3" and have grappled (it's like wrestling)* guys almost six feet tall without getting my ass completely kicked. Heck, sometimes it's possible to beat them.
I don't have a problem with other people using guns for their protection, but it seems weird to say "and you stand no chance in a fight WITHOUT a gun".
*I know this is different from fighting for your life, it's just the fighting we do that you can overpower people with only your strength, and less skill.
-Katie
Years late, but I'm not the only one...
ReplyDeleteI'm from the UK, and over here I/ we (can only really speak for myself and my friends) have a totally different mindset on guns. To me it really does seem dangerous, especially without context. I'm not saying you don't know what you're doing, but heck, even most of our police officers aren't armed, so the idea of people whose job isn't to protect people owning guns is just... odd. It might just be a cultural thing, but it doesn't mean either side is bad. There was a lot of non-US comments that didn't really seem fair.