Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Everything But.

Lately I've had a spate of everything-but sex. In the last three months I've had sex like twenty times and I don't think I've been properly (penisly) penetrated once. There've been orgasms aplenty, male and female, but all from hands or mouths or toys.

I guess this is supposed to be the ideal? Seems like one of the few things Cosmo and most feminists radical and non could agree on is that "foreplay" is the real play and that everything-but is better for women than sex. Even relatively enlightened sexpert-types often describe intercourse as something that women trade to men in exchange for receiving orgasms the genteel womanly way. Fucking is for boys, diddling is for girls.

And yet I can't help but feel unfulfilled being unfilled. Partly this is because of baggage: if a guy can't get it up for intercourse that means I'm not sexy and if he refuses intercourse that means he doesn't really like me. (Especially as popular wisdom holds that guys never refuse intercourse, therefore if it happens to me it must be really bad news.) Some of that's probably true, too. Not "augh I'm a warthog," but "I don't have a close enough relationship with anyone for them to be fully sexually open to me" really is true, I think.

Partly it's physical. Dildos and hands can give me the deep penetration and vaginal orgasms, but even just physically, sex is more than genitals interlocking; it's a full-body experience of muscles and sweat and hips and arms and mouths. Fucking is everything at once, pleasuring and being pleasured, watching and being watched, losing control of yourself as he loses his own control. Everything-but always feels like a dissection of fucking, a deliberate and piecemeal simulation.

And hell, maybe it is only a cultural expectation that "fucking is the only real sex," but I'm in that culture and recognizing it doesn't make it vanish.

Man, I just want to get fucked. Man.


  1. I recently entered into a relationship where the boy prefers non-PIV sex. Honestly? I'm completely, utterly, and absolutely satisfied. He uses his other... uh, talents... and it's possibly the best sex I've ever had. And even though there's no penis involved (with me, anyway... I make sure he's happy too, believe me!), afterwards, I consider myself thoroughly, and gorgeously, fucked.

  2. Dimethirwen - Hey, if you're both happy there's nothing wrong with that. But see that "if"? It matters.

    I do happen to want a P I my V, so your relationship wouldn't be satisfying if it were me.

  3. Totally understandable. Sorry, wasn't trying to come off as "You should see it this way." It was a more of a "this is my experience." You want what you want. I get that. :)


    Love you blog!

  4. Darnit, I was rewriting my comment to be less jerkish and you jumped me.

    Diffr'nt strokes and all that. I just sometimes worry that the cool kids of sexual sophistication think that PIV is crass or unenlightened. It's not going out of style, is it?

    ...Probably not, huh.

  5. Ha, yes, it would appear we are both sitting at our computers tonight. :)

    Nah, I wouldn't say it's going out of style. If the boy changed his mind, I would be on that (heh) in a second. It's more like a nice change of pace combined with "sex is always fun no matter what." IMHO. But that's just me.

    ... :)

  6. Bruno is having a hard time finding any sympathy for Holly. Bruno's junk hasn't been touched since December. Bruno's going crazy, Bruno thinks.

  7. Maybe the guys you've been with don't like condoms and don't want to risk getting you pregnant? That's why I only did "everything but" with my last (and so far only) girlfriend.

  8. You are not alone Holly. There are lots of times I just want to be fucked, most of the time really.. I love cock, I love fucking. I'm often not satisfied sexually unless I am fucked.

    I know most people probably wouldn't agree, and that's fine too, but I just wanted you to know, you aren't the only woman that likes being fucked. :)

  9. Bruno - If Bruno in Seattle, Holly kill two birds one stone. Otherwise, yay, Bruno win sympathy contest, would like trophy?

    GreenEarth - Maybe, or maybe they didn't 100% trust me not to play gotcha in case of condom failure. It seems like most guys would rather have condomed sex than nothing, but I guess some just can't.

    Maja - Good to hear it.

  10. I'm one of those girls that doesnt get off from intercourse. Yes, the fiddly diddly's are what I need to actually orgasm, but its just not anywhere near as good if I'm not getting a thorough fucking as well. Obviously I'd take one w/o the other,and most of the time if I have to make the choice of picking one over the other...I'll take the fuck. You're absolutely right...taste,smell, sound, sight, etc.. of man inside of me is phenomenal. Even if I'm not cumming from it, I'm much more into it, and in a way I guess I am getting off from it in a different sense. Would one call that ultragasm!?? haha

    I hope you get some PI your V soon!!! :D

  11. Maybe, or maybe they didn't 100% trust me not to play gotcha in case of condom failure. It seems like most guys would rather have condomed sex than nothing, but I guess some just can't.

    I would be in the latter category, then. Of course I'd have PIV sex with my wife if we both wanted it and if she was on birth control (and I could trust her to get an abortion if she got pregnant); but otherwise the risks don't seem worth it, especially if I don't get the full experience that comes from not wearing a condom.

    Also, I can do "everything but" for hours, but after I have an orgasm I don't feel like doing much more.

  12. Also, it's interesting you posted this the same day Twisty made a post that, especially in its comments, discusses the inherent evils of penetrative sex.

  13. Bruno dislike sympathy fuck.

  14. Does it have something to do with personal preferences like extensive vs. limited foreplay? Or whether this is someone you play with frequently, or at infrequent intervals? And is it "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" or is there extensive snuggling/cuddling/spooning involved? I can easily see why you would not wind up actually fucking a once-in-a-while FWB who likes extensive foreplay, and spooning overnight, for example. By the time you're done making the rendez-vous and maximizing diddling, it's time to drift off to deep, contented sleep.

    What you might think of as personal preferences for certain activities or "gotcha" fears might just be different ways of relating to tiredness/satiety, or different styles of touch having different "skill set" consequences and thus setting a different agenda.

    Sabra note Bruno much more sympathetic than Sabra when complaining.

  15. Dw3t-Hthr self-describes as a penetration fetishist, and sympathises.

  16. Eurosabra - That's because I don't actually hold it against guys for being unlucky in love, or even for whining about it. I hold it against you when get into elaborate justifications for why your lack of constant on-demand no-strings pussy is a societal injustice on the level with Jim Crow laws.

  17. GreenEarth - Dammit, that's gonna be a post.

  18. It's not actually "constant on-demand", it's an overreaction to mainly health-related restrictions on activity, combined with the male sex role. I get very, very tetchy about the fact that I see one partner weekly but we have sex once a month, the other is in town for a weekend once every six months, (and it tends to be "everything but") and in between I go through a tremendous amount of rejection on the one or two nights a month I go out. I wind up feeling like I never have any sex at all, AND I always have to initiate everything. Head gets very 'splodey.

  19. I don't think anybody says there shouldn't *be* PIV sex. Just that it's not the be-all and end-all.

    If I can be really (small-t) twisty I'd like to propose that it can even be really great foreplay.


    Also, whoever says you can get all the benefits of PIV intercourse (male or female) from, say, toys or hands, probably also says you can get all the benefits of dancing from jumping on a pogo stick. There's just more to it than friction of mucous membranes and nervous paroxysms.

    Mmm... PIV intercourse.

    Oh and finally, wow but while I know a lot of guys who'd steer clear of intercourse for fear they'd get the woman pregnant I didn't realize there were any who feared women would do it on purpose. Seems sort of like the utter height of arrogance: like she's going to want to carry half your chromosomes for nine months plus 18 years just so you'll stick around after a one night stand? Um, yeah.

    Cool post, Holly. Good luck next time out.