Yellow cover! Kristen Bell! I had her mixed up with Kristen Stewart and couldn't understand why she looked so different and was confused for a bit there! Biggest headline: "Lose Weight While You Eat"! Apparently we will be eating antimatter! (The only way in which one can literally lose weight!)
When I get a new issue of Cosmo, I go through with a pen and circle the parts that I want to Cosmock. Sometimes people will find the magazine and see what I circled and not understand that those are things I don't agree with. It's very embarrassing.
Dirty sex means going against the idea of "proper" sex[...] It's inching into a taboo zone... and whatever feels taboo to you qualifies. Try pretending someone is watching you get it on or sharing fantasies midact. Consider buying bedroom gear like blindfolds or a bullet vibrator. [...] Just talk to him before whipping out adventurous new material. You could murmur "this really turns me on" and describe something you want to try.
"Murmur"? Sheeeesh.
You know, it doesn't really bother me when Cosmo's idea of taboo is so vanilla you could make ice cream with it--hey, that's their market. But it weirds me out when they list things that wouldn't offend a maiden aunt in Utah (who is probably into rubber and piss, because you'd be surprised) and then act like extreme caution is needed in such an edgy area. I don't care how conventional your sex life is, no one needs to have a delicate "honey, I want to try something... different" heart-to-heart about a freakin' blindfold.
In bed, slap his butt and then move him into the position you're craving--this will really nail home that you're the one who's in charge.
Oh, so I need to sit him down for a serious conversation before buying a bullet vibe, but I can just whip this shit out on him out of nowhere?
Why you should check his E-mail:
Never read his e-mail, but a glance at his in-box can give you some insight into the kind of person he is.
No. No no no no no. The inbox is up there with the medicine cabinet and the diary on the list of places you are just not invited. You creep. And "oh, of course reading is wrong but it's okay to just skim" ...really? Come on.
Not sexy: shoulderpads. "She looks manly, like she could kick my ass."
I agree with the fashion judgement, but if kicking ass is wrong I don't want to be right.
Q: How can I make unwashed hair look less greasy?
A: Wash it.
(It always amuses me when Cosmo acts like their readers are all super-glamorous fashionistas whose biggest beauty problem is deciding between cream blush and powder blush, and then something like this crops up.)
Try this "shallow throat" trick: press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth to protect the back of your throat. Bring his penis into your mouth; when the head hits the back of your tongue, it will give him a feeling similar to when you deep-throat.
I know Cosmo doesn't field-test, but this is ridiculous. I'm trying it on my fingers now, and doing this sends them straight into my teeth with every awkward half-inch thrust. If you don't want to deep-throat, here's a suggestion: give him a freakin' regular blowjob. If he complains about that, he might not be the One.
Manatomy Explained
Meatu: The hole at the tip of the glans through which he urinates and ejaculates
Meatu: A region in Tanzania.
Meatus: A really tricky word that only really smarty-pants geekface editors could be expected to know about, and no one likes them anyway
Take Cosmo's Color Sex Test!
This one is great. They have a swatch of orange, of green, and of purple, and you pick the one you like best and they tell you exactly what kind of sex you should be having. Orange-liking people need to have more intense sex, y'see, and green-likers need to look out for their own pleasure, and purple-likers, well, they just aren't getting that intimate connection from their sex. See, it makes perfect sense really.
When you're trying to orgasm, the random thoughts that pop into your head--like whether you remembered to DVR "The Real Housewives"--are a buzz kill.
Like ohmigosh, I know! When I'm getting laid, I always want to think about high heels and babies and cooking! It's so distracting!
If you're veering away from orgasm, briefly holding eye contact with your partner helps to pull you back into the moment.
This is probably just me, but I don't know what it feels like to veer away for orgasm. It's either towards, towards, OHHHH; or sometimes towards, towards, towards.... oh, he stopped.
We get that lights-on sex can make you feel, well, naked. Luckily, there are a few easy adjustments to make you feel sexier [...] If there's a body part you're not totally comfortable about, choose positions that won't make you obsess: missionary will hide your tummy, and side-by-side takes the focus off your butt. Another idea is to leave on a piece of clothing, like a lacy camisole, to keep you a little covered.
You really don't trust your boyfriend, do you? You think he doesn't know what shape your body is? You think that he's dating you but the sight of your uncovered stomach would horrify him? This is likely one of the closest relationships in your life and you don't want him to even see all of you?
Have a little faith, take that camisole off, trust him, and for once, freakin' relax.
Q: My boyfriend occasionally likes to incorporate food like strawberries or whipped cream when we're having sex. I, on the other hand, think it's gross. Eating isn't erotic, and when I'm doing it naked, it just makes me feel fat. Is there something slightly more normal I could suggest substituting for his fetish?
Reading this question gave me a sudden flash of insight into the Fat Acceptance movement. (Which I'm not totally behind because I think they deny the health and lifestyle risks of morbid obesity, but when it comes to regular-fat I can respect the cut of their jib.) It's not just about being decent to fat people; it's also about keeping thin people from thinking that if they became fat it would be the end of the world. When the prospect of gaining weight, or even feeling like you're gaining weight, makes you afraid to eat a freakin' strawberry in front of your lover... yeah, your perspective might need more help than your waistline.
Also, I tried to think of things that were "more normal" than whipped cream in bed, but the best I've got so far is whipped cream on waffles, and that definitely won't help your problem.
To be connected to a customer-service rep when you're on hold, drop an F bomb. Many systems are designed to channel you straight to an operator if you curse.
If they mean automated systems, I reaaaally doubt it--as soon as people knew this it would be useless. If they mean getting a human operator to transfer you up a level, that'll probably work, but there's a spot in Hell reserved for people who abuse service-industry workers for their own convenience.
Fun, fearless way to meet a guy:
The best thing about a cute guy in a Laundromat? He's not going anywhere for a good hour.
Yes, but bear in mind that as a prisoner he is protected by the Geneva Convention.
Actually, the customer service thing? That'll be true in at least some systems. The thing is, automated phone systems have a tendency to make people crazy, and among the people who design and implement them, it's recognized that you should do as little making people crazy as possible.
ReplyDeleteSome systems never give you the option (explicit or otherwise; there just *aren't* operators standing by) to connect to people, and... if you're trying this when you're ON HOLD the chance that the system is "listening" is more or less zero. But if you've ever had a freakishly hard time getting the system to understand that you want "pay my bill", a system that can't understand you after a few tries will sometimes apologize, and end up connecting you to a human. Sometimes, something as simple as *asking* the system to talk to a customer service rep ("I want to talk to a customer service representative" or just "customer service") will get you what you want.
In quasi-related news, I've also heard that if you use uncouth language when talking to "Clippy" (the godawful MSOffice "assistant"), it'll leave you alone. Not sure about that one, though.
Gwen: My favorite is the ones that don't understand you, decide the trouble is on your end, and then hang up on you.
ReplyDeleteThere was rather a lot of swearing after that, I tell you.
Dirty sex means going against the idea of "proper" sex[...] It's inching into a taboo zone... and whatever feels taboo to you qualifies.
Heh. Oh dear. That's a small list, and it's generally only things that Dan Savage doesn't consider necessary for GGG partners. ;)
In bed, slap his butt and then move him into the position you're craving--this will really nail home that you're the one who's in charge.
Or, y'know, say something. I can't think of a single instance where a woman I was in bed with suggested something, and I didn't pretty much immediately start adjusting position.
I mean, slap my ass if you want, but don't try to use it as a substitute for communications.
perlhaqr: Augh! That's terrible!
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I know anything about how they work was that in college I took, and later TA'd a class on building spoken dialogue systems (aimed at linguists), and one of the first tasks we had was to call a couple of automated phone systems, and map how the system works. It meant calling the same systems over and over to try and make sure you'd mapped it properly, and then listening to everyone else's detailed reports (or, later, grading them) in class. It seemed a little sadistic, at the time, but it turned out useful (both for the class, and figuring out how to get what you want out of an automated system as quickly as possible).
When I saw the cover in the drugstore the other day I thought "boy, I can't wait until Holly gets to that."
ReplyDeleteAnyway, for quite some time after we first had sex, my current partner didn't want me to see her naked.
"If there's a body part you're not totally comfortable about, choose positions that won't make you obsess: missionary will hide your tummy, and side-by-side takes the focus off your butt."
ReplyDeleteOkay, this bothers me, for sheer lack of logic. When you're in missionary you can't see your own belly very well, but the man fucking you sure as hell can, he can see "everything", as my bf likes to point out. If you really didn't want him looking at your belly doggie style would make more sense as your front woudln't be directly in his view. duh.
But honestly, even as a fat chick, I've always understood, once you get to the point where he's trying to take your clothes off to fuck you, he likes how you look, and doesn't give a rats ass about your so called flaws.
Also, I can't believe cosomo is telling women to look at their mans email. Just browse. Like it's perfectly okay to pick up the pile of his physical mail and paruse that?? Um no. Just no.
As always Holly you make me laugh! :)
Kristen Bell's head looks weird on the cover of this one. Like it's not sitting straight. That odd choker around her neck reminds me of that ghost story from 3rd grade, about the woman who couldn't untie a ribbon from around her neck or else her head would fall off.
ReplyDeleteFun story: I actually did some software integration work for an automated system that used voice-responses to navigate through the menu. We were given a list of "escalation" words that would bump the user into the operator queue. The list contained a variety of swear words, the word "operator", and the name of the client's major competitor.
ReplyDeleteSo if you're ever stuck in one of those stupid voice-activated phone trees, and swearing at it isn't helping? Try name-dropping the competition. It might work.
Gwen and Aaron - The More You Know. Next time I'm stuck in an endless phone tree I'll try that.
ReplyDeleteI still maintain that swearing while on hold isn't gonna do anything.
"there's a spot in Hell reserved for people who abuse service-industry workers for their own convenience."
ReplyDeleteDAMN STRAIGHT. There's also a special place for people who pour drinks in public garbage bins for the maintenance people to deal with. WOULD YOU POUR A MILKSHAKE IN A DUSTBIN AT *YOUR* HOUSE, YOU BASTARDS? NO, YOU BLEEDIN' WOULDN'T. Sorry, had a little janitor flashback there.
Moving along, if a dame looked through my email and then told me "Oh, I didn't read anything, I just looked at the senders and subject lines." I would change all my passwords and run far away.
I first started assuming my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me when I saw a man's name I didn't recognize come up on her phone. (I later determined that she was -- she wrote about it in her LiveJournal and then "friended" my current partner -- which says nothing about the probitive value of that incident.) I didn't make a point of looking at it, though, it just happened in my line of sight.
ReplyDeleteThere is something fundamentally backwards about the idea that choosing your position and/or clothing to hide a "flaw" is going to make you obsess *less* about it. In my experience, the only thing that makes for less obsession is acting less obsessed. Not more.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my twenties I managed to put myself in a situation where I was stark naked in front of sixty strangers who were laughing at me. In a nice way, but definitely laughing. (Long story....) Since then I just don't sweat nakedness as much; it was a truly liberating experience.
"You really don't trust your boyfriend, do you? You think he doesn't know what shape your body is? You think that he's dating you but the sight of your uncovered stomach would horrify him? This is likely one of the closest relationships in your life and you don't want him to even see all of you?
ReplyDeleteHave a little faith, take that camisole off, trust him, and for once, freakin' relax."
OK, I love your blog but this part I loved so much I had to copy it into my notebook.
Missionary does make your tummy look flatter. And yes, I think it is ridiculous that I have ever had those thoughts, though fortunately I've generally restricted them to "lying here waiting for him to come in the room" moments and managed to ditch the patriarcho-capitalist bullshit mantras while actually fucking.
Sadly, for Cosmo's core audience (and Maxim's, etc.) I think you have nailed it: no, they don't trust each other, and no, anything involving the opposite sex is NOT one of the closest relationships in their lives.
"When you're trying to orgasm, the random thoughts that pop into your head--like whether you remembered to DVR "The Real Housewives"--are a buzz kill."
ReplyDeleteI have a lady friend for whom this can be a problem. It's not that she's not into it, she just gets the "brain weasels" sometimes.
I've done the "shallow throat" thing. Physically, it works out okay, but I don't think it feels particularly awesome. I think the fun part about deep throat is that... he's fucking my throat. You don't get that feeling of "shit, it's all the way in" and "yeah, take it bitch" from bumping against my tongue.
ReplyDelete"Not really. The naughtiest trick I ever tried (and man, I have no idea what that even would be, I don't own a naughtyometer) was as far as I was willing to go. Bumping up the intensity would mean something I wasn't comfortable with. I'm not bound by inhibition or lack of creativity but by actual limits."
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of Turk (from Scrubs) explaining why he can't have sex dreams about his wife.