Thursday, August 27, 2009


One of the few signs that I've grown in recent months: I've finally stopped critiquing my own appearance in front of potential or actual sexual partners. Which is more difficult than it sounds. But I learned from seeing other people do it; when someone says "ugh, I'm so fat" or "yeah, I'm hairy, sorry", it doesn't make me think any better of them. I already know you're fat, I'm not blind, and if it was a deal-breaker then I wouldn't be here. Now I'm obligated to produce the fished-for compliment, to notice the worst parts of their appearance, and to reframe my attraction to them as reassuring rather than hot.

I still can't help thinking "am I too fat? tits too small? hair too messy? earlobes displeasingly shaped?" But at least I've learned not to say it out loud.

Because if the answer was yes, I wouldn't get the chance to ask.

(And they still wouldn't tell me most likely, because what kind of asshole turns someone down for a date, then enumerates the specific physical flaws that drove their reasoning? That would be harsh.)


  1. I know how this is. It's kinda like acting, as if role playing someone who is confident and secure in one's body image. It goes hand-in-hand with acting the part of the confident, commanding Dom, and at least it's easier than all that.

    It's kinda embarrassing, like, "who am I fooling by pretending that's not a problem?" But after a while you become the kind of person you pretend you are, at least a little.

  2. Go you! Keep up the good work.

    Personally I think most girls are better looking than they think they are.

  3. I'm not sure I agree with RS, but I know that few women are judging their appearances according to my tastes. If I think they're hot (or not), there's no point in disagreeing.

  4. Being anything other than above average in most ways is a problem, because an awful lot of people have standards which are too high or too restrictive. So, join the club which consists of about 75% of the world. ;p

  5. Funny that you should mention this. I stopped worrying about what I look like on the outside some years ago, and discovered much to my surprise that people still like me when I'm fat and wearing a t-shirt & shorts. In fact, I seem to have MORE interest from members of the opposite sex now than when I was toned, 100# lighter, and dressed sharp. I guess there is something to the whole "it's your personality" thing! :)

  6. Mithras61, I think looks get credit for more than they deserve, because people who feel OK about their appearance put themselves forward more, so their personalities show to better advantage.

    Working on your appearance isn't the only way to get to that headspace. Sounds like you've found other ways to get there. Good for you!