Saturday, June 12, 2010

Cosmocking: July '10! - Part 2!

Gprzlytmfff. Awake again! I'm still adjusting to the graveyard schedule, as probably shows just a teensy bit lately. Anyway, back on track!

The Sexy Way to Make Smart Decisions: Fantasizing about sex amps up your analytical thinking skills, while daydreaming about love boosts your ability to think big-picture.
Meanwhile, thinking about the actual decision you're making is for chumps.

A recent study analyzed 22,777 Harlequin romance novels and discovered that the titles were written to trigger women's evolutionary impulses. The covers feature words that tie into the themes of commitment, reproduction, and financial resources--three basic needs we're hardwired to want in a mate.
"Financial resources" is an "evolutionary impulse"? I'm not even sure what the fuck an "evolutionary impulse" is; it sounds like I'm sitting here going "oh baby, I want to have a beneficial mutation right now." But even if we were monkeylike slaves to the breeding urge, I'm pretty sure monkeys don't care much about your financial resources.

"Commitment" and "reproduction" are at least vaguely relevant to monkeys, but I still have to wonder who got their grant approved to prove that romance novels are generally about romance.

After this there's a fitness article which demonstrates some exercises to "Score Sexy Cleavage." Because yes, apparently that's how it works. (I can't help noticing that the model demonstrating the exercises, while very pretty, is like an A-cup.)

And then after that there's an article on vaginal plastic surgery, which I have to admit that Cosmo takes a very reasonable "well, it is your body, but this shit's pretty stupid" stance on. Although this part was weird:
The vast majority of labia minora extend past the labia majora. Inivisble labia minora are very rare in developed females; it's usually prepubescent.
My labia minora (why do these things not have common names? "Inner lips," I guess.) are inside the majora! They're not "invisible", but they're only visible when I'm spreading way open. I didn't know this was super rare.

...Does that mean it's super desirable? Is this a selling point? Do I have the nigh-unattainable Ideal Vulva?

Watching a graphic sex scene with a new man can be as awkward as it is erotic. With the lights off, you don't have to maintain your poker face.
No, watching a graphic sex scene with your parents is awkward. Watching one with a date is just fine. (And if you're watching it somewhere you have control over the lights, presumably there's some comfort level there.)

Bubble baths and naughty fantasies go together like champagne and, well, anything. Light candles, then lower yourself into the tub, Now take your imagination where it's never gone before.
Where did this "women masturbate in the tub" stereotype come from, seriously? The wink-nudge for guys is lotion and Kleenex, and for girls it's a bathtub and candles. I don't ever masturbate in the bathtub, because I can't get wet in the water (yes, that makes sense) and it's awkward to spread my legs in the confines of the tub. I have a bed for these things.

Shut off the lights, and try Skype sex with your boyfriend. Since you'll be in a shadowy room, you won't feel too self-conscious. Plus, you won't have to worry about evidence being left behind, since Skype can't record.
I know the theme of the article is "things to do in the dark," but most webcams can't see shit in low light. And while Skype itself doesn't have a record button, if your boyfriend is remotely technologically competent, don't fool yourself--he can find a way if he wants to.

Haven't tried yet? Dim the overhead light, and start clicking. Hey, you never know who may pop up to chat with.
I feel like distributing this information to people in a non-tech-savvy demographic with no warnings is somewhere between hilarious and downright irresponsible.

Women Who Don't Shave Their Legs: I know shaving sucks and can sometimes lead to a serious shower injury or a strained calf, but we all have to do it. And it's my suggestion that any woman who doesn't should rethink her game plan. I can hear the response right now: "I don't need to. Men don't. So why do I have to do it? If a man can't love me with hairy legs..." This isn't the '60s, and there is no room for that sort of thinking.
No, it isn't the sixties. It's fifty goddamn years later. Feminism isn't something that came and went, it's something that came and changed the world. So now that it's not the sixties, it's okay to shave your legs and it's okay to not shave your legs. There's no "have to"--says who? These dictates don't come out of the aether--they come from men and women who tell you their own preferences, and you're free to listen to or ignore them as you see fit.

I shave my legs. I like the look, I like the feel, and frankly I like keeping open my sexual options with guys who like shaved legs. But I don't have to.

One-quarter of an ounce of dark chocolate--roughly one-sixth of a regular-size candy bar--contains a ton of good-for-you antioxidants and has been shown to be healthy for your heart.
Interesting, because earlier chocolate was so evil that we were supposed to be eating flavored goddamn air rather than sully ourselves with it.

(Also, is it just me or is the copy editor really in love with hyphens this month? There's a clear everything-that-possibly-could-be-hyphenated-is-hyphenated preference here.)

As your man nears climax, his muscles involuntarily tense up and raise his boys closer to his body. "If you gently tug his testicles down by the base as he's about to orgasm, it will actually prolong his release," explains [female "sexologist"]. The opposite is also true. "If you cup his balls and push them up for him, this speeds him along, making his orgasmic rush even more powerful."
I tend to get contradicted in comments when I generalize on these things, because as a non-ball-owner I don't always understand the mechanics, so I'll just ask: gentlemen, do you come with a throttle mechanism between your legs?


  1. And while Skype itself doesn't have a record button, if your boyfriend is remotely technologically competent, don't fool yourself--he can find a way if he wants to.

    I'd like to point out that if one can't trust one's sexual partner to not record phone sex, then perhaps one should reconsider one's relationship?

    Also: Has Cosmo never heard of a tape recorder?

  2. My labia minora (why do these things not have common names? "Inner lips," I guess.) are inside the majora! They're not "invisible", but they're only visible when I'm spreading way open. I didn't know this was super rare.

    ...Does that mean it's super desirable? Is this a selling point? Do I have the nigh-unattainable Ideal Vulva?

    If you do, then so do I, and so do most of the women I've been close enough to to tell. I'm pretty sure Cosmo is full of it on this one.

  3. What I've read is that when you keep a guy's balls from pulling up against his body during orgasm, it makes his orgasm far more powerful (and maybe holds it off a little longer so it builds up more, I forget). Sex shops carry various kinds of rings or straps to buckle around a guy's junk for this purpose.

    I haven't read that pushing the balls closer to his body does anything good for his orgasm, but the idea of trying it sounds FRAUGHT WITH PERIL. I'm not super-gentle or precise when I'm turned on, and if my partner is about to have an orgasm then trust me, I am turned on.

  4. Forget women with small labia, I have a FAR more interesting quality! I DON'T have to shave my legs! Is this weird? I have a friend and when she doesn't shave her legs, her legs fall off, but mine just keep on being attached to my body. Strange, huh?

    No, seriously, I'm going to say this. I'm going to own this: IF I AM NOT WEARING SHORTS OR A SKIRT AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE SEEN NAKED BY PEOPLE I DO NOT SHAVE MY LEGS. Seriously. Does that gross people out? I don't care. Like I said, I'm owning this. Leg hair doesn't bother me and I find it mindblowing that there's this idea that by having my unshaved legs in someone's vicinity (even if they can't see them), I may as well be covered in tarantulas.

    Anyway, evolutionary psychology has clearly shown that monkeys like to mate with girl-monkeys who are COVERED in fur.


  5. gentlemen, do you come with a throttle mechanism between your legs?

    I've never tried this, so I have no idea. I need a lab partner!

  6. Andy - Sorry to break it to you honey, but you don't really own it if you only break the rules when no one else can possibly know about it.

    I stopped shaving my legs when I was a sophomore in college. That was almost 20 years ago. I have very dark, wiry hair. There's no way you can miss it. I don't wear skirts, generally, but I do wear shorts. All the time. Met the man who became my husband 5 years later. We've been married 14 years.

    Cosmo can go suck it. There's no room for that sort of thinking.

  7. Anon - Sorry to break it to you honey, but people own their legs no matter what they do with them. If Cosmo can't tell Andy she's being an improper woman who doesn't own herself, neither can you.

  8. My sincere apologies to Andy.

  9. The 'evolutionary impulse' thing made me want to cry, but the chat roulette suggestion made it better :-)

  10. I know Cosmo's into crazy positions and all, but I'm wondering how they can reasonably reach a man's testicles, especially that close to orgasm. Maybe I have weirdly short arms, but my regular positions don't really allow ball-touching because I'd have to reach around or under legs and butts and things. And if he's getting close, there's no way I'd risk that. He gets... enthusiastic. There would be a serious risk of missing and hitting his thigh or grabbing too hard or something. Not worth it.

  11. Anon @ 10:47, THANK YOU. I have been trying for 20 minutes to imagine how, mechanically, that suggestion could be accomplished and I don't think it's physically possible in most popular positions.

    RE: labia. Mine are big. Both sets of 'em. Until I started watching porn, I had no idea they could be small.

  12. I can grab my bf around the base of his balls/penis (to keep "the boys" from retracting) during missionary-style sex by shoving my hand between our stomachs. It's a bit awkward but it's doable. Most of the time, though, it's easier to use this silicone ring thingy we got at the sex shop (the ring also has a pointy bit in back for stimulating his taint, w00t!).

    Reverse cowgirl position allows even easier access to a guy's junk and doesn't require anyone to be a contortionist.

  13. @ the last two anonymice:

    Awkward, yes. But much much more practical during blowjobs!

    (the leg-shaving thing fills me with GRRRRRR. So then, to cheer up, I just imagined Cosmo readers swarming chatroulette. Hee!)

  14. I can't help thinking that masturbating in a BUBBLE BATH is a good way to give yourself an infection or something.

    Fantasizing about sex just amps up my annoyance that I have however many hours to go until I can go masturbate. And NOT in the bath, thank you very much.

  15. Inasmuch as you do things between my legs that I enjoy to a greater or lesser extent, yes I suppose I have a throttle there.
    I've read about preventing the balls from retracting can prevent orgasm. I can't really tell if that's what's happening though because I find it rather uncomfortable, and it might be the discomfort distracting me from orgasm. See first line.

  16. @Holly and...err, one of the Anonymice

    No, I agree with you, I'm still chickening out by only telling people my legs are unshaven and now actually showing them but I figure it's a start. Seriously, people freak out so much when I *tell* them that I can't help but think I'm still doing *some* consciousness-raising in my own, cowardly way.


  17. But even if we were monkeylike slaves to the breeding urge, I'm pretty sure monkeys don't care much about your financial resources.

    Well, there are at least two possibilities that I can think of. One is probably an uniquely human trait, that having a lot of food and stuff because you can kill the biggest mammoth and create your own art and tools is a sign of superior genes. The other is an issue with some types of social mammals and not just monkeys - having a strong, dominant male as a partner often means that he will protect your offspring from being killed by other males for the purpose of bringing you back into breeding condition. In either case wealth is used as a shorthand signal for talent or inherent power, even though in modern times it sometimes doesn't mean much aside from having had great-grandparents who were socially well connected.

    And that's only if there's any validity to the idea in the first place.

  18. Leg hair is pretty. Legs without hair are also pretty, so I understand why some people shave, but I just don't GET how it became a political issue or how anyone could consider it mandatory. Weird fuckin' world.

    To answer your question, Holly, maybe some guys respond well to pulling and pushing on the sack and its contents during climax, but if my wife ever tried it on me, that particular sex act would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. DO NOT WANT.

  19. I like how they bring up valid counterpoints in their leg hair article, and then totally fail to rebut them. Why should you shave your legs? BECAUSE, that's why. We think it's icky and that should be good enough for you. This isn't the past. This is the present and we'll have none of your questioning the status quo/society's weird beauty standards here, missy.

    Stay classy Cosmo!

  20. Maybe I just got hung up early in the article, but 22,777 Harlequin novels? There are over TWENTY-THOUSAND Harlequin Novels?! I mean, I guess I intellectually knew that there were a lot of them, but Christ! I grew up in a house that was basically a big library, and I don't think we had half that many books. To imagine 22,777 individual Harlequins is actively boggling my mind.

  21. Yeah, the leg-shaving thing kind of raised my hackles because it was so straightforward "You need to do this, right now, because I said so, and if you don't, you're wrong." I don't shave my legs because I'm lazy (I might shave them if I'm wearing a dress, but usually, I can't be bothered). I don't shave my armpits on principle, though (and I'm a belly dancer). Should I be put in prison?

  22. I sometimes shave my legs. I like them better that way during sunscreen season, and to show off my tattoos. And I have prominent labia minora. Also, I average the same amount of sex as my boyfriend.

  23. I am pretty sure that, evolutionarily speaking, I'm a mammal. I mean, I've even tested almost all the bits! I have a spine (admittedly crooked), I breathe air, I have sweat glands, my ears work so I probably have those wiggly bones in place, and I gave birth to live young which I have fed from mammary glands for ten and a half freaking months so far. I presume I have a neocortex, and somewhere in my medical records is the CAT scan that would verify that.

    Thus, being a mammal, I have fur.

    Admittedly, not much of it in most areas, due to that whole water ape period.

    The whole 'having all my fur' thing hasn't prevented me from getting more thoroughly married than most people and demonstrating reproductive fitness!

    My favorite leg hair story involves my ex, who was out with his wife to dinner with his brother and brother's then-girlfriend. It came out in conversation that my ex's wife does not shave her legs, and the then-girlfriend turns to my ex and says, "And you don't mind?"

    My ex sort of blinked at her and said, mildly, "Well, I don't shave mine..."

    (I love certain types of nerd boys so much.)

  24. Dude, that leg-shaving thing really gets me. Not the fact that they think women should do it (hell, Cosmo thinks women are disgusting hags if they don't have manicures and pedicures and constantly smell of baby powder or what the fuck ever) but the attitude. I have to? Or what? I'll lose my job? My husband won't sleep with me? The fashion police arrive on my doorstep with a bucket of hot wax? What?

    I shave periodically, but I'm anything but consistent about it, and I have yet to experience dramatic negative side effects from this.

  25. That's the reason I have no grounds for demanding that a girl shave anything except her face, but I do think girls look hotter when they remove all hair except that on their heads.

  26. Bill, you might be surprised at how a little stubble can make a hot butch even hotter.

    Shaving, yeah. I've gone for years without shaving my legs and basically shave or not on a whim. But I've never made it past a month without doing under my arms. It drives me insane, and I sweat a ton and it does its job trapping that odor, so it's gotta go.

  27. I have always wondered as well what the deal is with masturbation under water. Water is not slippery, quite the opposite, and it will readily wash away natural lubricants. And if you try soap, it will invariably find its way into the urethra and it will sting like hell. Of course, the vibrations from a water stream is another thing completely, but somehow that is not a part of the bathtub-lit-up-by-candles-cliché, at least not in my mind.

    Speaking about clichés, I would think the "lotion and kleenex" one is pretty much an American thing. If you're not circumcised, there's generally no need for any lotion.

  28. The chatroulette suggestion is cracking me up! Has the writer EVER been on it?

  29. The first time I dated a lady who didn't shave her legs I was initially a bit ?shocked? Maybe shocked is too strong. ?very mildly startled? I turned out that it was pretty damned sexy. So much so that I've asked future girlfriends to *not* shave.

    Armpits? yeah, the hair does trap odor, but I find the "scent of a woman" to be hot. That's where all the pheromones are!


  30. andy@847: I may as well be covered in tarantulas.

    That would be kinda cool, actually... :D

  31. Re: pit hair & odor:

    Rubbing alcohol. Just swab your pits with a bit of rubbing alcohol to kill the bacteria that make the odors.

    My mum's on my case about not shaving my pits or legs. She says it's "unfeminine." She has given up on insisting I get my eyebrows waxed, finally. I have the impression she doesn't realise that one of my goals is to deflect most male attention. Only the ones not put off by glasses, geekery, feminism, hairyness, and my long-skirts-every-day* are worth my time.

    * my particular brand of feminism is: the patriarchy wants me to look sexy and available at all times, so fuck that! I'm covering up!

  32. I shave very infrequently. I can easily go for eight months or so without doing it, because I wear pants all the time in cold weather. High summer is the only time I usually feel the need to wear shorts or skirts. Or go swimming. Or do anything else that involves Legs Being Shown. (I do shave my armpits more often, if I happen to be wearing a shirt that shows them off.)

    My boyfriend wants me to shave my ladybits - in that "I think it would be sexy, let's see if it is" theoretical sort of way - but so far I have refused, mostly because I am a wimp and am afraid it will be uncomfortable as all hell. Maybe someday I will get up the nerve. Till then I'm quite comfortable with my hairiness. (At my hairy peak, I look fuzzier than he does. It's unfair, really.)

  33. "I know the theme of the article is "things to do in the dark," but most webcams can't see shit in low light. And while Skype itself doesn't have a record button, if your boyfriend is remotely technologically competent, don't fool yourself--he can find a way if he wants to."

    For those of you curious: Skype uses DirectX which means that the vast majority of desktop-recording-software will have no problems recording Skype. I have FRAPS on my computer for the purposes of recording myself playing video games from time to time and could easily use it to record a skype video call. So, you know, it's not actually all that hard to record skype.

    Of course if your boyfriend is the kind of person who'd sneak-record a video of you naked and then post it on the internet, *what in the fuck are you doing with him anyways*? I could easily hide a camera in my wall or whatever to record myself having sex with a girl but I don't beacuse I'm not a huge raging douchebag. Step 1 to succesfull skype sex: find someone you can trust.

    Wait, wait, let's just move that to step 1 of succesfull sex.

    (I strongly suspect this won't get through moderation but that's ok because it's really just an FYI that it's not hard to do and most people who game know how to do it. Also I wanted to let you, holly, know how to do it because I feel like you're at a disadvantage if you don't know the tools involved)

    Let's see. Oh I also wanted to comment on shaved legs! I don't care if the legs are shaved or not but there is that certain stage between shaved and unshaved where it feels like sandpaper and gives me a rash if I try to fuck someone. So... while I don't care if ladies shave their legs or not, I do care if they've been unshaved for a very specific period of time *wince*

  34. After sorting through dubious google search results I found this very informative and... diversity-positive (?) page on labia minora!

  35. "gentlemen, do you come with a throttle mechanism between your legs?"
    We prefer to call it "The Clutch" so it will open the door to awkward "Hey Honey, wanna learn to Drive Stick?" pickup lines and/or jokes.

    And now I feel really bad. I'm sorry.

  36. I'm quite sad that the bubble bath thing was such a lame little piece of advice on Cosmo's part. When I was younger, some of my most intense orgasms happened in the bath - but not a bubble bath, and not by my own hand. BY THE WATER SURGING FROM THE FAUCET. I mean, really. These are still some of the most intense orgasms I have. Start with a few inches of water and soak for a bit while you fantasize. Then you put your butt right by the drain (or on top of it - mine has a raised part that hurts to sit on for too long, so sometimes I put a washcloth over it [the washcloth will be soaked afterwards]) and you slide your legs up the wall, spread, so that your clit is directly under the fountain. And you turn on the water just as you did when you first ran the bath, and you let it uplift you with it's constancy and vibrational charm. You can even wiggle under it a little to get some of the pressure further down so it feels like you have this huge cock continuously slithering around in you. These are the sort of orgasms where my hand desperately and compulsively twitches, my legs squirm around, I totally involuntarily make sounds, and sometimes I have to stop because it's so intense. You can also play with the heat and go back and forth between hot and cold, slow down the flow, or put your hands under your butt to raise yourself even higher and closer to the source of your pleasure. Mmmmm.