Gprzlytmfff. Awake again! I'm still adjusting to the graveyard schedule, as probably shows just a teensy bit lately. Anyway, back on track!
The Sexy Way to Make Smart Decisions: Fantasizing about sex amps up your analytical thinking skills, while daydreaming about love boosts your ability to think big-picture.
Meanwhile, thinking about the actual decision you're making is for chumps.
A recent study analyzed 22,777 Harlequin romance novels and discovered that the titles were written to trigger women's evolutionary impulses. The covers feature words that tie into the themes of commitment, reproduction, and financial resources--three basic needs we're hardwired to want in a mate.
"Financial resources" is an "evolutionary impulse"? I'm not even sure what the fuck an "evolutionary impulse" is; it sounds like I'm sitting here going "oh baby, I want to have a beneficial mutation right now." But even if we were monkeylike slaves to the breeding urge, I'm pretty sure monkeys don't care much about your financial resources.
"Commitment" and "reproduction" are at least vaguely relevant to monkeys, but I still have to wonder who got their grant approved to prove that romance novels are generally about romance.
After this there's a fitness article which demonstrates some exercises to "Score Sexy Cleavage." Because yes, apparently that's how it works. (I can't help noticing that the model demonstrating the exercises, while very pretty, is like an A-cup.)
And then after that there's an article on vaginal plastic surgery, which I have to admit that Cosmo takes a very reasonable "well, it is your body, but this shit's pretty stupid" stance on. Although this part was weird:
The vast majority of labia minora extend past the labia majora. Inivisble labia minora are very rare in developed females; it's usually prepubescent.
My labia minora (why do these things not have common names? "Inner lips," I guess.) are inside the majora! They're not "invisible", but they're only visible when I'm spreading way open. I didn't know this was super rare.
...Does that mean it's super desirable? Is this a selling point? Do I have the nigh-unattainable Ideal Vulva?
Watching a graphic sex scene with a new man can be as awkward as it is erotic. With the lights off, you don't have to maintain your poker face.
No, watching a graphic sex scene with your parents is awkward. Watching one with a date is just fine. (And if you're watching it somewhere you have control over the lights, presumably there's some comfort level there.)
Bubble baths and naughty fantasies go together like champagne and, well, anything. Light candles, then lower yourself into the tub, Now take your imagination where it's never gone before.
Where did this "women masturbate in the tub" stereotype come from, seriously? The wink-nudge for guys is lotion and Kleenex, and for girls it's a bathtub and candles. I don't ever masturbate in the bathtub, because I can't get wet in the water (yes, that makes sense) and it's awkward to spread my legs in the confines of the tub. I have a bed for these things.
Shut off the lights, and try Skype sex with your boyfriend. Since you'll be in a shadowy room, you won't feel too self-conscious. Plus, you won't have to worry about evidence being left behind, since Skype can't record.
I know the theme of the article is "things to do in the dark," but most webcams can't see shit in low light. And while Skype itself doesn't have a record button, if your boyfriend is remotely technologically competent, don't fool yourself--he can find a way if he wants to.
Haven't tried Chatroulette.com yet? Dim the overhead light, and start clicking. Hey, you never know who may pop up to chat with.
I feel like distributing this information to people in a non-tech-savvy demographic with no warnings is somewhere between hilarious and downright irresponsible.
Women Who Don't Shave Their Legs: I know shaving sucks and can sometimes lead to a serious shower injury or a strained calf, but we all have to do it. And it's my suggestion that any woman who doesn't should rethink her game plan. I can hear the response right now: "I don't need to. Men don't. So why do I have to do it? If a man can't love me with hairy legs..." This isn't the '60s, and there is no room for that sort of thinking.
No, it isn't the sixties. It's fifty goddamn years later. Feminism isn't something that came and went, it's something that came and changed the world. So now that it's not the sixties, it's okay to shave your legs and it's okay to not shave your legs. There's no "have to"--says who? These dictates don't come out of the aether--they come from men and women who tell you their own preferences, and you're free to listen to or ignore them as you see fit.
I shave my legs. I like the look, I like the feel, and frankly I like keeping open my sexual options with guys who like shaved legs. But I don't have to.
One-quarter of an ounce of dark chocolate--roughly one-sixth of a regular-size candy bar--contains a ton of good-for-you antioxidants and has been shown to be healthy for your heart.
Interesting, because earlier chocolate was so evil that we were supposed to be eating flavored goddamn air rather than sully ourselves with it.
(Also, is it just me or is the copy editor really in love with hyphens this month? There's a clear everything-that-possibly-could-be-hyphenated-is-hyphenated preference here.)
As your man nears climax, his muscles involuntarily tense up and raise his boys closer to his body. "If you gently tug his testicles down by the base as he's about to orgasm, it will actually prolong his release," explains [female "sexologist"]. The opposite is also true. "If you cup his balls and push them up for him, this speeds him along, making his orgasmic rush even more powerful."
I tend to get contradicted in comments when I generalize on these things, because as a non-ball-owner I don't always understand the mechanics, so I'll just ask: gentlemen, do you come with a throttle mechanism between your legs?