Friday, December 3, 2010

In Which Scientific Curiosity Is Stifled.

Hey Sprite, do you have a tampon?"
"Oh, of course, here's one."
"Thanks!  We're doing an experiment!  We figure that alcohol can absorb in by any mucous membrane, and the vagina is a mucous membrane, so we're going to soak the tampon in rum and stick it in me and see if I get drunk!  Also we're curious if it will hurt!"
"...Give me my tampon back."

31 comments:

  1. As long as the experiment wasn't a taste test...

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  2. *gigglesnorting uncontrollably*

    Long-time lurker, first time commenting...oh gods, this brightened up an amazingly shitty week, so ♥ for that!

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  3. Oh, I bet it'd get you drunker than hell -- I've heard of people dying of alcohol poisoning after whiskey enemas, for example -- but what I'm curious about is: once soaked in rum, wouldn't the tampon be all but impossible to insert? Or was the plan to pour the rum down the applicator tube to pre-soak the tampon before making use of it? Inquiring minds want to know!

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  4. Aaron - I don't think a tampon could absorb more than one shot (or could it? time to Experiment!), so there's a practical limit on how much alcohol I'm exposed to, and it's much less than an enema.

    The plan for how to insert an already-soaked tampon was not really so well thought out. I just figured a lot of stuffing and shoving.

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  5. I seem to recall that the traditional way to administer pulque was not oral. Doubtless, the traditional Mayan invitation to indulge in the stuff was "bottoms up lads!"

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  6. I would certainly expect that the alcohol could be absorbed this way. For sanitary reasons I'd go for something with almost no sugar, like Everclear. Probably vodka would work. For reasons of pain and damage to the membranes, leaving them prone to infection, I wouldn't do it at all. Maybe experiment with various dilutions on a cotton ball, just dabbed on, until you find a concentration that's interesting but isn't going to be killing a ton of the surface cells.

    For what it's worth, rubbing alcohol hurts my cock.

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  7. My guess is that it would hurt? But also, what Mousie said about sugar. Yeast LOVES sugar.

    flightless

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  8. For sanitary reasons I'd agree with Mousie and go with a clear alcohol like vodka. For reasons of not wanting my (hypothetical) vag lining to partially dissolve, fall out and burst into flames as it shrieks and tries to crawl into the sewers, I'd avoid Everclear (or anything else so potent) that will burn the damned lining off your throat if you don't cut it with something -- Christ knows what it would do to a vagina's lining.

    On second thought, yeah, give it a try, Holly. But please give Sprite access to your blog so she can post the outcome if you're inebriated, incapacitated or interred.

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  9. given the back-of-the-bus rumors i grew up hearing about alcohol enemas (later verified in somewhat dodgy healthclass), i'd be reasonably sure that you could get (theoretically) get tipsy via your vagina. but all that sugar can't be good for your ladybits (and it would presumably be absorbed into your bloodstream much faster, making it a somewhat dangerous way to "drink"). although i can't imagine that tampon's worth of rum would really be a problem.

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  10. yes, this does work. and there are the tampons without applicators (i think theyre the o.b. ones?). i remember seeing this on spanish television, about how young kids were doing this in clubs so they could pass breathalizer tests and not get arrested for underage drinking. however, i think they said it was done anally . it just sounds really uncomfortable to me .

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  11. oops, everyone beat me to it. sorry about that.

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  12. Anon - You wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test that way; the alcohol on your breath is coming from your bloodstream, not your mouth or stomach. However, I can easily believe kids would be dumb enough to think you would.

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  13. Always think me that tampons should come in flavors, but flavor shot be something Svutlana never consider. Unfortunate, trial and error be inevitable, but would suggest that you ask vagina what she want before approach with rum-soak tampon.
    Svutlana ask vagina what she want and Svutlana vagina want Singapore Sling. Maybe Singapore sling be vagina starter drink.

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  14. Ordinary unflavored rum like Bacardi has no sugar in it. Nasty flavored shitte like Malibu does have added sugar.

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  15. 'Unflavored' rum is made from pretty much nothing BUT sugar -- from cane juice -- and water.

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  16. And fermentation is a process by which sugar is turned into alcohol...

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  17. I told you to ask me again after dinner. I was all for disturbing experiments AFTER we ate :)

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  18. I can't help being feeling like the alcohol would kill a bunch of good bacteria and seriously mess with the pussy's pH levels, inviting infection.

    Also, you'd probably get more intoxicated from an ass shot, since the skin is so much thinner.

    But Madame Curie braved ionizing radiation for Science, so I'm certainly not going to judge you.

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  19. Just remember that your digestive tract breaks down a lot of the alcohol, so it's much easier to get alcohol poisoning from absorption through a different mucous membrane... also, there might have been an episode of CSI where this happened.

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  20. Enema alcohol poisoning.

    http://www.jointogether.org/news/headlines/inthenews/2007/no-charges-after-man-dies.html

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  21. Thanks for the giggle. What a lovely way to go into the weekend.

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  22. http://hubpages.com/hub/Parents-Beware-of-Vodka-Soaked-Tampons

    I had a bunch of friends who were going to get "drunk on tampons" for partying one night, in honor of some story they had heard about some factory worker who got busted for using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk on the job (probably an urban myth?). I'd like to be able to say they really did it, but sadly they did not :7(

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  23. I was just telling someone last night how Penn and Teller once proved (accidentally) that alcohol is absorbed through the skin just fine - they did a New Year's trick circa '91 that involved an underwater escape that didn't use water. (I cannot find a log of this on the internet but I did, you know, see it live, and I saw them screw up due to slight intoxication and get sledgehammered out.)

    So, yeah, if booze can go in through the skin, the vag should have no problem.

    I would worry about booze lingering in your vag and becoming uncomfortable and/or unsanitary, but I understand Rowdy's fist makes an excellent squeegee, so you should be fine. Nothing to worry about, really.

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  24. "For what it's worth, rubbing alcohol hurts my cock."

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    All told, Holly, I think I'll pass on the RumPon. My suspicions of a very angry vagina (and subsequently, no sex) is a powerful motivator for me.

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  25. Hey Holly. i love your blog and views. I cant seem to find the follow button. xox

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  26. I'm going to vote for "bad idea". A shot of standard hard liquor contains about 18mL of ethanol; average human has 4.7L of blood. If all of that ethanol ends up in the bloodstream at once (worst-case scenario), that results in a BAC of 18/4700 = .38%, which is well into the "unconscious, death possible" range. Quite possibly it doesn't work that way, won't all be absorbed at once, etc., but it hardly seems worth the risk.

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  27. Ethanol partitions completely evenly among all of the body fluid compartments. Since total body water is about 40 liters for a 70 kg person, that would be a BAC of only .045%, under the legal limit.

    And yesh, ordinary rum is distilled from a fermentate of cane sugar, but contains no residual sugar.

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  28. I realize I'm three years late but this story was too relevant (and moderately gross) not to share: http://www.reddit.com/r/cripplingalcoholism/comments/1qxcio/everclear_my_butt_and_just_dont/

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