Friday, December 10, 2010

Union and Intersection.

I don't have a favorite sexual position. I have, however, a favorite sexual position with everyone I've been with. With Keith it was missionary, with Alan it was me on top and him thrusting from beneath, with Tommy it was doggy-style, and so on. And the funny thing is, in these people's other relationships, they had different go-to positions.

The geometry of bodies, genitalia, and personalities always fits together differently. It's hard, and not too common, to truly be "a doggy-style guy" who carries doggy-style from partner to partner and fits it in with whatever they are. It's the relationship, and not either (or should I say any) person in it, that dictates these things. (Also, the relative length of your thighs.)

Of course it goes beyond just positions. One of the things that I've been thinking about a lot lately is how it applies to kink. The reason I'm waffly about whether I'm a switch, bottom, sub, or just really horny is because I'm each of these things to different people. I like to be dominated, but only by the people I like to dominate me, if you get my drift. It's 20% "can I tell that they genuinely enjoy being dominant," 20% "are they any damn good at it," and 60% "I don't know, fucking magic." And I'm not describing simple attraction here--I can love fucking someone but not particularly want them to dominate me, just because the magic is different with them.

And of course it goes beyond sex. Alan and I liked nothing better than to cuddle up on the couch and watch 5 continuous hours of "Intervention" and "COPS." (I was filmed by "COPS" once. Funny story.) Rowdy would probably start chewing off his own arm after ten minutes. Neither one of them is wrong, and more importantly, neither one of them is less me. They're just different sides of me, brought out by different people, in whom I myself bring out different sides.

I don't know if it's right to say I'm a different person with every partner. I'm a different person with every relationship.


  1. This is why I love the term fluid. I think most people are fluid in most aspects of their lives, depending on who they're with, the time of day, the weather and everything else under the sun.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you can't pinpoint generalities but I think, when you get down to the nitty gritty, we're all fluid.

  2. Another interesting one beyond sex is which side of the bed you sleep on. Interestingly, mine has been the same with all 3 of the partners significant enough to remember.

  3. (I was filmed by "COPS" once. Funny story.)

    Did you have on shoes and a shirt?

  4. Sorry, but I was completely disarmed by the COPS remark (pun intended, I get bad pun from my mom).

    Please do tell!

  5. Zeeke: Funny thing! I did the same thing up until my most recent breakup. After he left, I started sleeping on his side of the bed. I can't understand why, but it hasn't changed since then.

    Fluidity. It's such a great thing. I have to remind myself on occasion that I am not as set in stone as I think I am. I have habits, sure, but other human beings bring out certain qualities in me. Reactions vary from person to person so much that it's worlds apart even from the single common denominator (you).

  6. I completely understand this. I'm different in every relationship, too. This time, I'm the most me I've ever been. Feels great.

  7. Absolutely. This is one of the things I love about being polyamorous... it's the continued potential not only for other relationships, but for other sides of me that those relationships bring out. And it's fun to see glimpses of the different sides of my boyfriend that his other relationships bring out too.

  8. The geometry of bodies, genitalia, and personalities always fits together differently.

    And that is why I always snort when a guy claims to be "good in bed". Good in bed with whom?

    My current big and perplexing geometry issue is that I've often enjoyed riding cowgirl in my past relationships...but with my now-bf it just doesn't work. The grinding motion I use doesn't do it for him and the motion that he does enjoy strains the holy hell out of my thigh muscles.

  9. @perversecowgirl: To me, good in bed means being attentive to what your partner likes and giving it to them.

  10. My experience is that someone saying "I'm good in bed" means "I have a ego the size of a freaking mountain, and doesn't really understand how sex actually work". At least, that's how it can usually be interpreted if a girl says it, and I can't imagine it being much different for guys.

    Actually being good in bed means "pay attention to your partner" and very little else, since all partners are different.

  11. Further for Ulc comment with which Svutlana agree, it be Svutlana experiences that if you mirror touch of partner, partner will compliment you. Svutlana do this one times with kiss. Prefer me for kiss like manic Tasmania devil with tongue stick out and spin with lot of drool, but be with partner who kiss soft like stick face in for pillow. Svutlana kiss him hard and get no responses, but when mirror him he all of sudden say what good kisser Svutlana be.
    Of course this no be for say it be good idea for efface yourself complete in happy happy with become someone else because no one want for fuck mimic, but can pick up preferences and play them back with no be too obvious or self-deny.

  12. This is so wonderfully, eloquently said. :)

  13. I completely agree with those who said that "good in bed" basically just means "attentive and perceptive" (although sometimes their body just doesn't work well with yours and the sex will be lacklustre no matter what).

    But in my experience, about 97% of guys (guys in my preferred age range of 22-25, that is) who say they're "good in bed" actually mean "I can fuck for a really long time and I accidentally found my mom's Kama Sutra one day and memorized a bunch of positions."

    Somehow, young men have gotten the impression that women (yep, every single one of us) secretly want to be bent into a pretzel and pounded for an hour and a half. But I find acrobatic positions awkward and distracting, and I don't orgasm vaginally - for me the P-in-V is usually just an appetizer for clitoral stimulation that will take place afterward. So the 23-year-old's version of "good in bed" is singularly unappealing to me.

  14. Quoting Holly: "They're just different sides of me, brought out by different people, in whom I myself bring out different sides."

    Which is why, to me, poly is so damn important.

    Poly isn't for everybody, naturally, but I wish it was a more widely condoned option for people who quite simply aren't fully satisfied with their relationship. There's no need for poly to be crass: if you're not fulfilled by your current relationship, it quite frankly SUX if the only options are ending the relationship or covert operations that will ALSO end the relationship if they ever come to light.

    It strikes me that things would be so much better if we could just say, "Look honey, I have an itch to scratch, and you ain't scratching it; rather than sneaking around or throwing away what we have together in the vain hope that I'll find someone more compatible, I'm going to strike up a very different kind of relationship with this woman over there. You can do the same thing if you need to; I'm not fussy."

    A more recent post also provides an answer for the most common question I hear about poly: "What if they find someone who's MORE interesting than I am?"

    The answer: "If they think you're worth coming back to, they'll keep coming back to you."

    Naturally, how much they come back, and how frequently, will determine the routines of your day-to-day life.

  15. And that is why I always snort when a guy claims to be "good in bed". Good in bed with whom?

    This, though more gender-neutral.

    I get that "attentive and perceptive" can go a long way with just about everyone, but still... there's plenty of people that I'd be an awful partner with, because there are just too many personality/preference clashes to be workable. And there's plenty of people I haven't been awful with, because we were good *together*.

    Of course, a lot of the qualities that tend to be identified with "good in bed" really don't seem to have much to do with it; "good in bed" gets conflated with "good at getting others into bed" way too much.

  16. "good in bed" gets conflated with "good at getting others into bed" way too much.

    It also gets conflated with "hot" way too much. Maybe I'm just bitter and paranoid but it sometimes feels as though guys would rather fuck a chick who looks like a Barbie doll but just lies there than one who's average-cute but fun and enthusiastic (no brownie points for guessing which group I identify with).

  17. Young men who haven't discovered what really makes them tick, as opposed to what makes their penis ejaculate, may be preferring sex with the hot girl because that gets them social points. Because the picture of the hot girl makes the penis ejaculate. And sometimes because they never had an enthusiastic partner or even one who knew how to orgasm.

    That gets better with age; men figure out what they actually like, and are less invested in fratboy culture.

    Although it never really goes away, it does become a little more obvious which men around you are stuck on "Hot Body Sex" and which men are interested in hot adult sex.