"Have you ever seen birds having sex?" my old roommate asked me.
"Only duck-rape," I said. I used to live next to a duck pond, and in the spring it would get ugly.
"When birds have sex--consensual sex--they get really into it," Roomie said. "It's not like dogs that just hump. There's lots of flapping and squawking. It's a lot like people sex."
I miss Roomie sometimes.
And I thought of that conversation today, watching city pigeons. They live such a marginal existence--scrounging for trash, nesting where they can find a ledge or nook in the concrete, always running from people and dogs and cats, always fighting with the seagulls and crows. It's a rough life. Look at their feet; a city pigeon will more often than not be missing a toe or have an infection or some other deformity.
But there are always more pigeons. Somehow, up in those nooks and ledges, the pigeons are mating. Their lives are full of hunger, fear, and pain, and yet they find the time and the place for sex. Nor is it entirely unromantic; they have a courting ritual and both parents help to warm and guard the eggs. Pigeons huddle together in the cold, gray, hostile, nacho-crumbs-if-you're-lucky world, and they make love. Everywhere. All the time.
Is it a comfort for them? Is it just an instinctive drive? Do they merely scratch an itch, or do they feel pleasure? Do they feel love? Do they--in their limited, pigeony sort of way--forget the world for an instant?
It's endlessly inspiring to me that sex is everywhere. The best goddamn thing I know in the world, and it's happening under our feet and over our heads and all around us. In every crevice and corner of the world there's life, and where there's life there's sex. I can only hope and speculate that where there's sex there's pleasure. Maybe not explosive pleasure, maybe not exquisite sensuality--but even pigeons have to feel a little good when they fuck.
I may not always feel this way when I'm not having sex or I'm having crappy sex or my life in general is crappy, but I am living in a world of pleasure, and that's the most beautiful thing I can imagine.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Lost Rituals.
I just realized that it's been many, many years since I last slow danced. It was such a big deal in middle school--I got used to awkwardly sitting out slow dances until one day a boy I didn't even know asked me to dance. He put his arms around my waist, I put my arms around his waist, he gently corrected me, and we wobbled around to "My Heart Will Go On" for a few minutes. His name was Kevin, he wasn't in any of my classes, and we didn't really get to know each other after that either. But for a good four or five minutes, our bodies were together and we were touching each other. When you're twelve it's a pretty big deal.
It's absolutely insane for me to realize that just three years later I would have an actual sex life with the full range of adult activities. Or that ten years later I would be a kinky slut with a two-digit "number" and a sex blog. I was such a mouse.
But it's funny to realize that with the huge range of erotic activities I can participate in these days when I can talk to boys and everything, there's some things I don't do any more. I don't slow dance. (Short of bar mitzvahs and weddings, I'm not sure where I would slow dance.) I don't make out--I get smoochy and slobbery with boys, but it's foreplay, I don't make out to make out. I don't dry hump much either, I don't have sex in cars, and I don't make a big deal out of doing "everything but" intercourse like there's a giant invisible line. I don't observe the "bases." And I think I've completely lost the skill of getting dressed in 0.12 seconds at the sound of the front door unlocking.
Maybe the real lost ritual is the sense of "oh my God I can't believe I'm actually doing this." For so many years, getting laid seemed as likely as walking on the moon--so when I actually had an Everquest player shove his hand down my pants in his mom's basement, I felt like Neil Fucking Armstrong. It wasn't just a first-time thing; for probably the first year of sex, sheer novelty and the sense of getting away with something nearly outweighed the physical pleasure.
But on some level I expected that to go away. I knew sex couldn't be new forever, and I figured that once you have your own place you don't have to sneak around. (This turned out to be partly true. Bringing home someone new with nosy roommates or neighbors won't get you in "trouble" per se, but it can be awkward.) What I didn't expect is that unless I was at a wedding or a bar mitzvah or something, I'd never slow dance again.
All the grownup stuff I do get to do is totally better though.
It's absolutely insane for me to realize that just three years later I would have an actual sex life with the full range of adult activities. Or that ten years later I would be a kinky slut with a two-digit "number" and a sex blog. I was such a mouse.
But it's funny to realize that with the huge range of erotic activities I can participate in these days when I can talk to boys and everything, there's some things I don't do any more. I don't slow dance. (Short of bar mitzvahs and weddings, I'm not sure where I would slow dance.) I don't make out--I get smoochy and slobbery with boys, but it's foreplay, I don't make out to make out. I don't dry hump much either, I don't have sex in cars, and I don't make a big deal out of doing "everything but" intercourse like there's a giant invisible line. I don't observe the "bases." And I think I've completely lost the skill of getting dressed in 0.12 seconds at the sound of the front door unlocking.
Maybe the real lost ritual is the sense of "oh my God I can't believe I'm actually doing this." For so many years, getting laid seemed as likely as walking on the moon--so when I actually had an Everquest player shove his hand down my pants in his mom's basement, I felt like Neil Fucking Armstrong. It wasn't just a first-time thing; for probably the first year of sex, sheer novelty and the sense of getting away with something nearly outweighed the physical pleasure.
But on some level I expected that to go away. I knew sex couldn't be new forever, and I figured that once you have your own place you don't have to sneak around. (This turned out to be partly true. Bringing home someone new with nosy roommates or neighbors won't get you in "trouble" per se, but it can be awkward.) What I didn't expect is that unless I was at a wedding or a bar mitzvah or something, I'd never slow dance again.
All the grownup stuff I do get to do is totally better though.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Personal Massager.
The nursing home I used to work at got a ton of healthcare-supply catalogs, and on the night shifts when there was nothing to do I'd leaf through them. Mostly they were products like diabetes socks and grabrails for the bathroom, but each one had a page or two for "intimate care products." One of the catalogs was actually hip and had Natural Contours vibrators and said pretty plainly what they were for.
Most of the catalogs were... not hip. And so you got this:
I think I'm underestimating the hipness of old ladies here, but I always wondered how many people really did use it on their neck. You know someone did.
Most of the catalogs were... not hip. And so you got this:
I think I'm underestimating the hipness of old ladies here, but I always wondered how many people really did use it on their neck. You know someone did.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Leagues.
The concept of "out of your league" in dating is one of those areas where my ideals sometimes get muddled up with my real-life experience. On the one hand, it's absolutely not true that if you're physically different or just not conventionally beautiful you need to stick with your own ugly kind. All kinds of different people can and do come together. On the other hand, people who are very different-looking but insist on a swimsuit-model partner are being, if not hypocritical, at least unrealistic.
It's a sticky situation to talk about, since of course people are attracted to traits they don't have themselves. Lots of pretty people have ugly (er, frequently-socially-considered-ugly) partners, and then again lots of pretty and ugly people aren't attracted to ugly people and I'm not about to tell them that it's their civic duty to get attracted. But at the same time, our partner preferences aren't determined entirely by random dice-roll. When an ugly person is unhappily single because they will only consider gorgeous people as partners--well, they shouldn't date someone they don't schwing for, and it's certainly not impossible... but. But. You know? But. Sticky.
God, I wish I was an asshole blogger. I wouldn't be tying myself in knows with this shit about "it's not my place to tell anyone what to do" and "everyone's preferences are different" and "we shouldn't assume younger and thinner is prettier" and all these other things--that I do actually believe--that make it so damn hard to be blunt.
If I were an asshole blogger I could just come out and tell people that you've got no goddamn business saying "I'm fat and 50 and I'm only attracted to thin 20-year-olds," and no, that's not insensitivity to fat 50-year-olds, that's just the slightest connection to Planet Fucking Earth. And you're insensitive to fat 50-year-olds if you won't date one, jerk! And then I'd stick my tongue out. And fart.
Man, the other day I read a blog post saying you shouldn't use "stupid" as an insult because that's insensitive to mentally disabled people and to people who've had fewer educational opportunities. And the horrifying part was that I found myself going along with it for a bit, nodding in agreement because of course I don't want to hurt innocent people with my words--and then I realized how... how stupid it is to be so goddamn sensitive you can't say anything more opinionated than "I like bunnies." Now, I won't use "retarded" as an insult. I'm not committing myself to insensitivity as a lifestyle. But I can't walk on eggshells around everything that isn't bunnies.
It's a sticky situation to talk about, since of course people are attracted to traits they don't have themselves. Lots of pretty people have ugly (er, frequently-socially-considered-ugly) partners, and then again lots of pretty and ugly people aren't attracted to ugly people and I'm not about to tell them that it's their civic duty to get attracted. But at the same time, our partner preferences aren't determined entirely by random dice-roll. When an ugly person is unhappily single because they will only consider gorgeous people as partners--well, they shouldn't date someone they don't schwing for, and it's certainly not impossible... but. But. You know? But. Sticky.
God, I wish I was an asshole blogger. I wouldn't be tying myself in knows with this shit about "it's not my place to tell anyone what to do" and "everyone's preferences are different" and "we shouldn't assume younger and thinner is prettier" and all these other things--that I do actually believe--that make it so damn hard to be blunt.
If I were an asshole blogger I could just come out and tell people that you've got no goddamn business saying "I'm fat and 50 and I'm only attracted to thin 20-year-olds," and no, that's not insensitivity to fat 50-year-olds, that's just the slightest connection to Planet Fucking Earth. And you're insensitive to fat 50-year-olds if you won't date one, jerk! And then I'd stick my tongue out. And fart.
Man, the other day I read a blog post saying you shouldn't use "stupid" as an insult because that's insensitive to mentally disabled people and to people who've had fewer educational opportunities. And the horrifying part was that I found myself going along with it for a bit, nodding in agreement because of course I don't want to hurt innocent people with my words--and then I realized how... how stupid it is to be so goddamn sensitive you can't say anything more opinionated than "I like bunnies." Now, I won't use "retarded" as an insult. I'm not committing myself to insensitivity as a lifestyle. But I can't walk on eggshells around everything that isn't bunnies.
Dick Pics explained!
Through careful study of Why Women Hate Men (terrible title, entertaining blog), I've figured out why guys send hideous dick pictures to women. It's because when women say that they want cock, men are taking this literally, and offering proof that yes, they have a cock, and are thus 100% qualified to meet this need.
I also blame certain porn genres where women show up perfectly groomed and perfectly submissive and of a specific body type, and men... show up. Talk about low expectations. You just have to prove that you're a man, right?
While I'm blaming things, I blame the weird hyper-homophobia that makes guys go "well, I can't tell if that looks good or not, I don't like cocks," which, well--straight women don't go around in sack dresses with matted hair because "how am I supposed to know what looks good on a woman?"
And I blame ignorance about how photography works. I think some people think that a picture of an object is a picture of it, and that any photo of their cock is equally attractive because it's the same cock every time. The idea that staging and lighting can make two equally "honest" pictures give very different impressions seems to be a little too advanced for certain people.
Which leads to my final source of blame, which is plain old rampant stupidity. Seriously, dudes of the world, if someone wants to see your cock they'll ask. How about you wait for that and go from there.
(Now I feel weird that I've posted pictures of my, um, lady-cock. But I do warn what they are rather than mailing them around to anybody who contacts me, and I do try to make them non-hideous photos.)
(Now I feel like "lady-cock" is either the best or the worst female-genitals euphemism ever.)
I also blame certain porn genres where women show up perfectly groomed and perfectly submissive and of a specific body type, and men... show up. Talk about low expectations. You just have to prove that you're a man, right?
While I'm blaming things, I blame the weird hyper-homophobia that makes guys go "well, I can't tell if that looks good or not, I don't like cocks," which, well--straight women don't go around in sack dresses with matted hair because "how am I supposed to know what looks good on a woman?"
And I blame ignorance about how photography works. I think some people think that a picture of an object is a picture of it, and that any photo of their cock is equally attractive because it's the same cock every time. The idea that staging and lighting can make two equally "honest" pictures give very different impressions seems to be a little too advanced for certain people.
Which leads to my final source of blame, which is plain old rampant stupidity. Seriously, dudes of the world, if someone wants to see your cock they'll ask. How about you wait for that and go from there.
(Now I feel weird that I've posted pictures of my, um, lady-cock. But I do warn what they are rather than mailing them around to anybody who contacts me, and I do try to make them non-hideous photos.)
(Now I feel like "lady-cock" is either the best or the worst female-genitals euphemism ever.)
Ladies' Night.
I'm planning to attend a shooting event soon that is $70 for men and free for women. The range I shot at back in Seattle had free shooting for women on Tuesdays. Back in the day, Gameworks would have nights where women could game free all night while men paid $20 for the privilege. And of course lots of bars and clubs will have Ladies' Night events.
Well, it's making it easier for women to get involved in some traditionally male-dominated activities, and freebies are always nice. It's a little skeevy when the women are being used as "bait" for male customers, but generally not too bad in practice--the number of women present at these events usually makes them less creepy than the average night out with horny men.
So why do I get a little weirded out by these events? (While attending them, of course; what can I say, I like guns and games and booze and I don't like spending money.) I guess it's just that any distinction between the genders gets my hackles up? It's hard for me to go "aw, what about the men" when it comes to paying small fees for entertainment events, and it's hard for me to see a real downside for the women.
I think my problem might be tangential--the characterization of women who shoot, or play arcade games, or do other "manly" things as "cool girls." I do enjoy a lot of these activities, and I do think they're cool, but the implication that they're cool because they're ungirly bothers me. It implies that it's not perfectly natural and normal for me to like games, that as a woman I must be some kind of prodigy to know how a joystick works. (I know exactly how a joystick works, baby.)
And it implies that women who don't like games are uncool because they're acting too much like women. Which puts girls in a real bind: play games and risk being called unfeminine, avoid games and you're not cool. (Never even mind whether you like games.) I have no problem admiring women for being good at "manly" pursuits, but I also admire women who are good at "womanly" pursuits--fuck, I just think it's good for people to be good at pursuits and I'd like to leave it at that.
This page of TvTropes explains it pretty well: the header quote is "...while most reasonable people see women and men as equals, few (if any) dare to claim that femininity is masculinity's equal."
Well, it's making it easier for women to get involved in some traditionally male-dominated activities, and freebies are always nice. It's a little skeevy when the women are being used as "bait" for male customers, but generally not too bad in practice--the number of women present at these events usually makes them less creepy than the average night out with horny men.
So why do I get a little weirded out by these events? (While attending them, of course; what can I say, I like guns and games and booze and I don't like spending money.) I guess it's just that any distinction between the genders gets my hackles up? It's hard for me to go "aw, what about the men" when it comes to paying small fees for entertainment events, and it's hard for me to see a real downside for the women.
I think my problem might be tangential--the characterization of women who shoot, or play arcade games, or do other "manly" things as "cool girls." I do enjoy a lot of these activities, and I do think they're cool, but the implication that they're cool because they're ungirly bothers me. It implies that it's not perfectly natural and normal for me to like games, that as a woman I must be some kind of prodigy to know how a joystick works. (I know exactly how a joystick works, baby.)
And it implies that women who don't like games are uncool because they're acting too much like women. Which puts girls in a real bind: play games and risk being called unfeminine, avoid games and you're not cool. (Never even mind whether you like games.) I have no problem admiring women for being good at "manly" pursuits, but I also admire women who are good at "womanly" pursuits--fuck, I just think it's good for people to be good at pursuits and I'd like to leave it at that.
This page of TvTropes explains it pretty well: the header quote is "...while most reasonable people see women and men as equals, few (if any) dare to claim that femininity is masculinity's equal."
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Bingo!
Via LabRat:
Evo Psych Bingo!
As LabRat says, there is legitimately such a thing as evolutionary psychology, but going around saying we should have 1950s gender roles and/or promiscuous polygyny, because science and because cavemen is not how it really works.
(I always wonder if "1950s gender roles" even really existed in the 1950s. They do show up in the media of the time, but when I talk to people who were alive then they always paint a much more nuanced picture, with a lot of working mothers and non-nuclear families and non-useless fathers. I suspect that the "housewife, breadwinner, Junior, and Sis" family model was somewhat more prevalent in the 1950s, but hardly universal.)
Evo Psych Bingo!
As LabRat says, there is legitimately such a thing as evolutionary psychology, but going around saying we should have 1950s gender roles and/or promiscuous polygyny, because science and because cavemen is not how it really works.
(I always wonder if "1950s gender roles" even really existed in the 1950s. They do show up in the media of the time, but when I talk to people who were alive then they always paint a much more nuanced picture, with a lot of working mothers and non-nuclear families and non-useless fathers. I suspect that the "housewife, breadwinner, Junior, and Sis" family model was somewhat more prevalent in the 1950s, but hardly universal.)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How not to write a personal ad.
(I'm actually not doing the craigslist or personal-ad thing right now, I'm more focused on job-hunting and real-life activities, I just got reminded of it and came up with a bunch of post ideas.)
1) Start off by explaining how you're extremely desirable and in-demand and can get it whenever you want it, and you're only single because you're very particular. Also, online dating is for pathetic losers, and you can't believe you're doing this because you're better than that.
2) Express your hatred of your desired gender. Talk about how horrible all your previous partners were and wish harm upon them, and lament how many times you've had to deal with "game players." Explain that most members of your preferred gender are bitches/assholes, but you're hoping against hope that someone won't be.
3) Express your hatred of your own gender. Tell prospective suitors about how all your competitors are bitches/assholes, but you're different, you swear. Describing exactly the kind of "pretty-boy popped-collar douchebag" or "dumb blonde self-centered bimbo" you're not will give you great credibility.
4) List all the things you don't want in a partner, in detail. Get really angry about it too, saying how someone without a college degree or over 30 or a different race isn't just wrong for you, they're gross and nasty. List a whole bunch of disqualifiers; ideally, things you hate should make up the majority of your ad. Don't worry about being offensive--hey, it's not your fault non-Aryans just don't do it for you! Subjective ones like "no crazy bitches" are good too, because crazy bitches will go "oh, that means me, I'm a crazy bitch, I better not reply."
Don't be afraid to list disqualifications that describe yourself perfectly--just because you're overweight and 50 doesn't mean you should consider an overweight 50-year-old partner, you're simply not attracted to people like that and can't help it.
5) List all the things you demand in a partner like you're ordering a fucking pizza. "I'm seeking an 18-24 year old slim woman of Northern European ancestry with a humanities degree who's willing to relocate and has no baggage, and extra pepperoni." Make it clear that anyone with human variations and foibles is not what you ordered, and you will be asking for your $15 back.
6) Optionally, you can describe yourself a little bit. Do this like you've never even met yourself. In the vaguest of terms say that you're "successful" and/or "attractive," that you have a "sense of humor," and if you really want to get detailed you can list some activities you enjoy, like "having fun and hanging out."
Also, if there's anything about you that most people would consider a really basic expectation, like you're not homeless or you don't hit your partners, proudly declare that achievement like it's a Nobel Fucking Prize.
7) Mention that you have a cock/tits (and how large, to the quarter-inch) and make it clear that you are expecting sex. Letting things develop naturally is "game playing," so let everyone know upfront if they aren't putting out they needn't bother.
8) Optional: Mention that you are seeking marriage, and someone should not reply unless they're pretty sure that they want to marry you and have/sire your babies, because you're done "playing games."
9) The only thing to consider when selecting a picture is "does this image file contain some part of my body in it?" Unflattering? Out-of-focus? Mugshot-like? A decade old? Ex in the photo? Myspace angle? Dingy blank wall or huge pile of computer parts and beer cans in the background? Sweatpants? Don't even look at it, just verify that it's technically a picture of you and slap it on up there! Only shallow people care about appearances.
If you don't have a photo already, set the self-timer (with autoflash) and stand against a wall like it's your goddamn DMV picture. And the DMV lady told you not to smile.
10) Optional: Include a long rant about something that's important to you, like your political or religious opinions or your hatred of American Society These Days or an alternative medical or scientific theory you're really into. True, this doesn't directly speak to your prospective dates, but you're expressing yourself and that's your First Amendment right.
11) Consider reinforcing your home so that the throngs of love-mad suitors don't beat down your door.
1) Start off by explaining how you're extremely desirable and in-demand and can get it whenever you want it, and you're only single because you're very particular. Also, online dating is for pathetic losers, and you can't believe you're doing this because you're better than that.
2) Express your hatred of your desired gender. Talk about how horrible all your previous partners were and wish harm upon them, and lament how many times you've had to deal with "game players." Explain that most members of your preferred gender are bitches/assholes, but you're hoping against hope that someone won't be.
3) Express your hatred of your own gender. Tell prospective suitors about how all your competitors are bitches/assholes, but you're different, you swear. Describing exactly the kind of "pretty-boy popped-collar douchebag" or "dumb blonde self-centered bimbo" you're not will give you great credibility.
4) List all the things you don't want in a partner, in detail. Get really angry about it too, saying how someone without a college degree or over 30 or a different race isn't just wrong for you, they're gross and nasty. List a whole bunch of disqualifiers; ideally, things you hate should make up the majority of your ad. Don't worry about being offensive--hey, it's not your fault non-Aryans just don't do it for you! Subjective ones like "no crazy bitches" are good too, because crazy bitches will go "oh, that means me, I'm a crazy bitch, I better not reply."
Don't be afraid to list disqualifications that describe yourself perfectly--just because you're overweight and 50 doesn't mean you should consider an overweight 50-year-old partner, you're simply not attracted to people like that and can't help it.
5) List all the things you demand in a partner like you're ordering a fucking pizza. "I'm seeking an 18-24 year old slim woman of Northern European ancestry with a humanities degree who's willing to relocate and has no baggage, and extra pepperoni." Make it clear that anyone with human variations and foibles is not what you ordered, and you will be asking for your $15 back.
6) Optionally, you can describe yourself a little bit. Do this like you've never even met yourself. In the vaguest of terms say that you're "successful" and/or "attractive," that you have a "sense of humor," and if you really want to get detailed you can list some activities you enjoy, like "having fun and hanging out."
Also, if there's anything about you that most people would consider a really basic expectation, like you're not homeless or you don't hit your partners, proudly declare that achievement like it's a Nobel Fucking Prize.
7) Mention that you have a cock/tits (and how large, to the quarter-inch) and make it clear that you are expecting sex. Letting things develop naturally is "game playing," so let everyone know upfront if they aren't putting out they needn't bother.
8) Optional: Mention that you are seeking marriage, and someone should not reply unless they're pretty sure that they want to marry you and have/sire your babies, because you're done "playing games."
9) The only thing to consider when selecting a picture is "does this image file contain some part of my body in it?" Unflattering? Out-of-focus? Mugshot-like? A decade old? Ex in the photo? Myspace angle? Dingy blank wall or huge pile of computer parts and beer cans in the background? Sweatpants? Don't even look at it, just verify that it's technically a picture of you and slap it on up there! Only shallow people care about appearances.
If you don't have a photo already, set the self-timer (with autoflash) and stand against a wall like it's your goddamn DMV picture. And the DMV lady told you not to smile.
10) Optional: Include a long rant about something that's important to you, like your political or religious opinions or your hatred of American Society These Days or an alternative medical or scientific theory you're really into. True, this doesn't directly speak to your prospective dates, but you're expressing yourself and that's your First Amendment right.
11) Consider reinforcing your home so that the throngs of love-mad suitors don't beat down your door.
The Gentleman's Guide to Sending Dick Pictures to Random Women on the Internet.
1) Consider the wisdom of sending a dick picture. If the relationship she is seeking could be construed as a "dating" or "friendly" one, sending your dick at all is mega creepy. And even in the context of casual sex and cybersex, women aren't necessarily aroused by penis JPGs. You might want to wait for her to ask for a dick picture, rather than using it to introduce yourself.
2) Make sure your equipment is suitable. The proper condition for dick photos is clean and dry (seriously, ewww), fully erect, and with well-groomed pubes. If it can stay fully erect without you death-gripping it around the base, so much the better.
(I admit here I don't know exactly how these things work. Is it uncomfortable to let an erect dick flop around freely? Or is the grip necessary to keep it at full hardness? Or does the grip just keep it pointed at a more impressive angle?)
3) Make sure your other equipment is suitable. Take your dick pics with a real camera; a low-end cellphone photo or webcam stillshot always has that "surveillance footage" look to it, especially in low light. Even with a proper camera, all photos look creepy when there isn't enough light (and flash makes skin look unappealingly flat and pallid), so try to get it in as much light as possible. Natural light is really nice if you have a way to get it without scandalizing the neighbors.
4) Use a self-timer or a (clean!) mirror. The top-down perspective never flatters, and frankly, women aren't used to seeing dicks from that angle.
5) Put the penis in context. In my experience, the more of your body in the shot, the better--even if you don't have an amazing body, seeing a naked man is more fun than seeing a free-floating cock in space. Whether you're comfortable putting your face in the photo is up to you, but cropping out everything but genitals is going way too far unless you have a very distinctive lower-stomach tattoo.
6) Don't forget the background. Make sure there isn't weird clutter in the shot that makes you look like a slob or reminds the viewer of an unsexy part of your life. And remember that photos taken while you're in the computer chair, then uploaded onto that selfsame computer, tend to imply that maybe you never get up. Your bed generally makes a nice suggestive setting, if it's tidy.
7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty.
8) Look at the photo you've just taken. Think, seriously, if you were a woman, would you want to see this? Seriously. You can always back out now and tell her about your personality instead.
2) Make sure your equipment is suitable. The proper condition for dick photos is clean and dry (seriously, ewww), fully erect, and with well-groomed pubes. If it can stay fully erect without you death-gripping it around the base, so much the better.
(I admit here I don't know exactly how these things work. Is it uncomfortable to let an erect dick flop around freely? Or is the grip necessary to keep it at full hardness? Or does the grip just keep it pointed at a more impressive angle?)
3) Make sure your other equipment is suitable. Take your dick pics with a real camera; a low-end cellphone photo or webcam stillshot always has that "surveillance footage" look to it, especially in low light. Even with a proper camera, all photos look creepy when there isn't enough light (and flash makes skin look unappealingly flat and pallid), so try to get it in as much light as possible. Natural light is really nice if you have a way to get it without scandalizing the neighbors.
4) Use a self-timer or a (clean!) mirror. The top-down perspective never flatters, and frankly, women aren't used to seeing dicks from that angle.
5) Put the penis in context. In my experience, the more of your body in the shot, the better--even if you don't have an amazing body, seeing a naked man is more fun than seeing a free-floating cock in space. Whether you're comfortable putting your face in the photo is up to you, but cropping out everything but genitals is going way too far unless you have a very distinctive lower-stomach tattoo.
6) Don't forget the background. Make sure there isn't weird clutter in the shot that makes you look like a slob or reminds the viewer of an unsexy part of your life. And remember that photos taken while you're in the computer chair, then uploaded onto that selfsame computer, tend to imply that maybe you never get up. Your bed generally makes a nice suggestive setting, if it's tidy.
7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty.
8) Look at the photo you've just taken. Think, seriously, if you were a woman, would you want to see this? Seriously. You can always back out now and tell her about your personality instead.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Horrifying Fact.
If you post two "Casual Encounters" craigslist ads in the same city--months apart, at different times of day on different days of the week--you will get responses from the same guys.
The best scenario here is that they've got autoresponders that just spam every w4m with their dick pictures. The worst scenario is that they're really always there, always watching, always trying.
Is it hypocritical that I think posting to Casual Encounters every couple months is totally normal and healthy, but lurking there is super creepy? I don't think it is.
The best scenario here is that they've got autoresponders that just spam every w4m with their dick pictures. The worst scenario is that they're really always there, always watching, always trying.
Is it hypocritical that I think posting to Casual Encounters every couple months is totally normal and healthy, but lurking there is super creepy? I don't think it is.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Search Term... Sightseeing Journey! Part II.
pdrvocracy
pervocrasy
peervocracy
perrvocracy
pervocracry
perovocrasy
I always told myself that I'd know I'd made it when this happened. Being known is great, but being known so well that you get misspelled... that's the big time, baby.
twisty faster is really a guy
My first instinct is to reply with "well, that explains a lot, ho ho," but really, I'm rather sick of people insulting women by calling them men. It's anti-feminist, anti-man, anti-trans, anti-butch... it's just anti too many things. Quit it.
cfnm what do women think
We think it's fundamentally a male fetish, and it's based more on thinking that you're arousing women than on actually arousing them. It's a form of femdom, and nothing wrong with that, but it's a form of femdom that seems to be entirely invented and propagated by the male submissives--I never hear actual female dominants enthuse about it.
"how do you learn to fuck"
On-the-job training.
"i want to have a baby" craigslist
Oh god no. Don't do this. Please. I'm begging you.
"it tastes like boy"
...try pork chops?
24 hour forced vibrator torture
See, you really don't want this. You want, like, 1 hour forced vibrator torture, and after that it'll really start getting old and you'll want to go to the bathroom and have a drink of water and take a nap.
bbw ideal waist to hip ratio
Well, you can't have both, unless she's eight feet tall.
beta male used by women
Dude, if I say "drive me to work and I'll be your girlfriend," I'm using you. If I just say "dude, I'm in a really tight spot, could you please give me a ride to work?", everything you project onto that is your own problem.
can you pick up a hairy guini pig by the hair?
NO! JESUS, NO! That poor thing! If you want to pick up any kind of guinea pig, put one hand under its butt and one hand under its front legs! Please!
"can you get pregnant if he cums in your mouth and you put it in your vagina"
Probably not, fortunately. But you're making me seriously rethink my opinion on condoms for blowjobs.
cfnm forced to jack off
Oh sure, and next I'll throw you in the briar patch.
doctors comments on making a child smell poop
What? No! Is this like some kind of bizarre potty training method? You rub his nose in it? I'm no doctor, but you're not even supposed to do that with dogs.
how to fuck a bitch on first date
It'll help tremendously if she feels safe with you, like she really knows you respect her as a person, you fucking asshole.
polyamorous "can't get laid"
Try starting with just one person, and working up from there.
sexy earring put on vagina
If I had a camera right now I'd humor this person. They're just that awesome.
ugly desperate women in montana who want to get laid
Totally exhausted the "attractive confident women in Montana" options, huh?
what do women fantasize about
The same exact things, all 3 billion of us.
why are people uncomfortable with rape
...
There are some questions where if you don't know the answer already, you might not be able to learn it.
why do men like to feel titties
This too, really.
eurosabra holly laid
Not bloody likely, buddy.
pervocrasy
peervocracy
perrvocracy
pervocracry
perovocrasy
I always told myself that I'd know I'd made it when this happened. Being known is great, but being known so well that you get misspelled... that's the big time, baby.
twisty faster is really a guy
My first instinct is to reply with "well, that explains a lot, ho ho," but really, I'm rather sick of people insulting women by calling them men. It's anti-feminist, anti-man, anti-trans, anti-butch... it's just anti too many things. Quit it.
cfnm what do women think
We think it's fundamentally a male fetish, and it's based more on thinking that you're arousing women than on actually arousing them. It's a form of femdom, and nothing wrong with that, but it's a form of femdom that seems to be entirely invented and propagated by the male submissives--I never hear actual female dominants enthuse about it.
"how do you learn to fuck"
On-the-job training.
"i want to have a baby" craigslist
Oh god no. Don't do this. Please. I'm begging you.
"it tastes like boy"
...try pork chops?
24 hour forced vibrator torture
See, you really don't want this. You want, like, 1 hour forced vibrator torture, and after that it'll really start getting old and you'll want to go to the bathroom and have a drink of water and take a nap.
bbw ideal waist to hip ratio
Well, you can't have both, unless she's eight feet tall.
beta male used by women
Dude, if I say "drive me to work and I'll be your girlfriend," I'm using you. If I just say "dude, I'm in a really tight spot, could you please give me a ride to work?", everything you project onto that is your own problem.
can you pick up a hairy guini pig by the hair?
NO! JESUS, NO! That poor thing! If you want to pick up any kind of guinea pig, put one hand under its butt and one hand under its front legs! Please!
"can you get pregnant if he cums in your mouth and you put it in your vagina"
Probably not, fortunately. But you're making me seriously rethink my opinion on condoms for blowjobs.
cfnm forced to jack off
Oh sure, and next I'll throw you in the briar patch.
doctors comments on making a child smell poop
What? No! Is this like some kind of bizarre potty training method? You rub his nose in it? I'm no doctor, but you're not even supposed to do that with dogs.
how to fuck a bitch on first date
It'll help tremendously if she feels safe with you, like she really knows you respect her as a person, you fucking asshole.
polyamorous "can't get laid"
Try starting with just one person, and working up from there.
sexy earring put on vagina
If I had a camera right now I'd humor this person. They're just that awesome.
ugly desperate women in montana who want to get laid
Totally exhausted the "attractive confident women in Montana" options, huh?
what do women fantasize about
The same exact things, all 3 billion of us.
why are people uncomfortable with rape
...
There are some questions where if you don't know the answer already, you might not be able to learn it.
why do men like to feel titties
This too, really.
eurosabra holly laid
Not bloody likely, buddy.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Confessional.
Bless me, sex-positivity, for I have sinned.
I have practiced monogamy.
I have nodded approvingly while secretly being bored to tears by "feminist porn" from the "female erotic perspective," then gone home to beat off to Extreme Anal Insertions 5.
I have worshipped the Judeo-Christian God.
I have gotten ever-loving sick of the word "problematic" as a completely generic sensitive-sounding way to say "I don't like this, or at least feel like I shouldn't like this, but can't be bothered to make an actual judgement about it."
I have been overemotional about casual sex and underemotional about committed sex.
I have given misogynist entertainment a pass just because it was really frickin' funny.
I have consented to sex that I wasn't really into, to maintain a relationship or follow through on a promise or frankly just to humor him; I have put my partners into the same position themselves.
I have had my own consent violated and let it slide because it wasn't like a super big deal, really.
I have groped.
I have felt crappy about masturbating, because a really hot chick would be getting laid right now, and no, it's not "sex with yourself," it's just stupid old masturbation.
I have lied about my "number," in both directions.
I have been a party to cheating.
I have yearned for a tiny blonde big-titted body.
I have given blowjobs without condoms and lady-blowjobs without dental dams, and wondered, seriously, does anyone really use dental dams?
I have voted Republican.
I have had sex completely shitfaced drunk and/or high.
I have not insisted on foreplay, or on my own orgasm, or on stimulation of my own fetishes and sensitive places.
I have been creepy.
I have patronized the sex shop that's 5% cheaper, rather than the one that's women-owned and well-lit and friendly and destigmatizing and based on sound feminist principles.
I have considered penis/strapon-in-vagina/anus intercourse the "real thing" and everything else "just messing around."
I have worn makeup and girly-ass clothes and high-heel shoes, not because they were "really me" but because I figured my appearance needed all the help it could get.
I have lived caught between the raging storm of emotions and desires within me and the fucked-up complicated world outside me, and I have found one simple set of beliefs--any one simple set of beliefs--utterly inadequate to guide my confused, defiant, frivolous, inconsistent, selfish, independent, practical, irrational, cynical, fallible, human life. When I have the luxury to pontificate about it I may be a good sex-positive feminist, but when I go out and live my life I am not sex-positive nor sex-negative, but sex-fucked-up in all kinds of crazy ways.
I shall say three Hail Susie Brights and an Our Betty Dodson.
I have practiced monogamy.
I have nodded approvingly while secretly being bored to tears by "feminist porn" from the "female erotic perspective," then gone home to beat off to Extreme Anal Insertions 5.
I have worshipped the Judeo-Christian God.
I have gotten ever-loving sick of the word "problematic" as a completely generic sensitive-sounding way to say "I don't like this, or at least feel like I shouldn't like this, but can't be bothered to make an actual judgement about it."
I have been overemotional about casual sex and underemotional about committed sex.
I have given misogynist entertainment a pass just because it was really frickin' funny.
I have consented to sex that I wasn't really into, to maintain a relationship or follow through on a promise or frankly just to humor him; I have put my partners into the same position themselves.
I have had my own consent violated and let it slide because it wasn't like a super big deal, really.
I have groped.
I have felt crappy about masturbating, because a really hot chick would be getting laid right now, and no, it's not "sex with yourself," it's just stupid old masturbation.
I have lied about my "number," in both directions.
I have been a party to cheating.
I have yearned for a tiny blonde big-titted body.
I have given blowjobs without condoms and lady-blowjobs without dental dams, and wondered, seriously, does anyone really use dental dams?
I have voted Republican.
I have had sex completely shitfaced drunk and/or high.
I have not insisted on foreplay, or on my own orgasm, or on stimulation of my own fetishes and sensitive places.
I have been creepy.
I have patronized the sex shop that's 5% cheaper, rather than the one that's women-owned and well-lit and friendly and destigmatizing and based on sound feminist principles.
I have considered penis/strapon-in-vagina/anus intercourse the "real thing" and everything else "just messing around."
I have worn makeup and girly-ass clothes and high-heel shoes, not because they were "really me" but because I figured my appearance needed all the help it could get.
I have lived caught between the raging storm of emotions and desires within me and the fucked-up complicated world outside me, and I have found one simple set of beliefs--any one simple set of beliefs--utterly inadequate to guide my confused, defiant, frivolous, inconsistent, selfish, independent, practical, irrational, cynical, fallible, human life. When I have the luxury to pontificate about it I may be a good sex-positive feminist, but when I go out and live my life I am not sex-positive nor sex-negative, but sex-fucked-up in all kinds of crazy ways.
I shall say three Hail Susie Brights and an Our Betty Dodson.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Fear Factor.
One reason women sometimes appear to have lower sex drives than men--or at least less interest in casual sex: fear. Oh, not that we're scampering around terrified of men, but for both cultural and real-world reasons, a woman agreeing to casual sex does have to consider some creepy factors. You're going to be alone with this person with your clothes off, and likely you'll even fall asleep in their presence. If they turn out to be a bad person, there's a lot of things they could do to ruin your day.
Of course men could say the same thing, but this is where the cultural part comes in. A man sexually desiring a woman often has overtones of threat in our culture. From street harassment to horror films to PUAs, women learn that someone desiring you doesn't mean they're going to be nice to you. Whereas female desire for men is almost universally seen as flattering. You can even see this in extreme cases--read the comments on any news story about a woman sexually abusing a man or boy, and a good portion of them will be calling the victim a lucky bastard.
As a result, women tend to go on the defensive. It's not our sex drive that's weaker but our trust. We learn to reject men, not because we don't want them, but because we aren't sure that their advances are the friendly kind. Even when I'm horny as hell, I can't turn off the creep-dar, and when a guy is physically attractive to me but sets off the creep-dar in any way, I can't sleep with him. I know this is unfair to guys who aren't creeps, but don't blame women--blame creepy men. They're the ones poisoning the lady-well.
When I decide whether to go home with a new guy, we're both thinking about whether we want to fuck each other, but only I'm thinking about whether or not he'll stop when I say "no."
Of course men could say the same thing, but this is where the cultural part comes in. A man sexually desiring a woman often has overtones of threat in our culture. From street harassment to horror films to PUAs, women learn that someone desiring you doesn't mean they're going to be nice to you. Whereas female desire for men is almost universally seen as flattering. You can even see this in extreme cases--read the comments on any news story about a woman sexually abusing a man or boy, and a good portion of them will be calling the victim a lucky bastard.
As a result, women tend to go on the defensive. It's not our sex drive that's weaker but our trust. We learn to reject men, not because we don't want them, but because we aren't sure that their advances are the friendly kind. Even when I'm horny as hell, I can't turn off the creep-dar, and when a guy is physically attractive to me but sets off the creep-dar in any way, I can't sleep with him. I know this is unfair to guys who aren't creeps, but don't blame women--blame creepy men. They're the ones poisoning the lady-well.
When I decide whether to go home with a new guy, we're both thinking about whether we want to fuck each other, but only I'm thinking about whether or not he'll stop when I say "no."
Coming Clean.
I guess this is as good a time as any to say it. I am not Holly Pervocracy. She's a character I made up. I'm a man. My real name is Chris, I'm 31 years old, and this has gotten way out of hand.
Way back in 2007, I got the idea to write an erotica blog. I looked around at what was out there, and found that the ones written by women were a lot more popular and well-regarded. Writing about sex as a man, I feared I would have come off as just a creepy horndog; but a woman who's loudly and lustily perverted, everyone wants to see that. Besides, creating a character gave me a level of safety--both on a practical level, by preserving my anonymity, and emotionally, by giving me the freedom to tell myself "it's not me saying this, it's just Holly."
Holly changed as my interests did; she started out as a relatively one-note porn character, but as I burned off the initial steam I delved into more genres, weaving relationship dramas in her little world, using her to explore BDSM and fetishes, and more recently using her as my political and philosophical mouthpiece.
I don't know if I can say "the character took on a life of her own," because in many ways, she took on my life. The more details I added about her mundane life, the more I borrowed from my own. I really did work as an EMT when I was younger; I really did just move across the country and visit Germany. Hell, most of the time Holly got laid was when I was getting laid.
More insidiously, Holly changed my life. Because of her, I found myself in situations I'd never have gotten into on my own--at a BDSM party, or talking a friend into sending me naked pictures to use as "Holly", or using a goddamn epilator on my junk. Being Holly expanded my horizons, it got me laid, and it got me to try just about everything short of tampons.
It's funny, but I don't feel nearly as comfortable talking about my own sex life when it's real. I suppose now that I've outed myself I'll do that from time to time. For now, I'll just say that I'm bisexual, I mostly date women, and I'm not seeing anyone right now.
I'll keep the blog going and I think I'll keep Holly around. I've gotten used to talking through her, and frankly, I kinda got to like her. But I had to get this off my chest. I'm sorry if anyone was hurt by this deception; I really love and appreciate my my readers even when I'm having Holly chew them out, and I hope you'll stick around.
Even if I am only a man.
Way back in 2007, I got the idea to write an erotica blog. I looked around at what was out there, and found that the ones written by women were a lot more popular and well-regarded. Writing about sex as a man, I feared I would have come off as just a creepy horndog; but a woman who's loudly and lustily perverted, everyone wants to see that. Besides, creating a character gave me a level of safety--both on a practical level, by preserving my anonymity, and emotionally, by giving me the freedom to tell myself "it's not me saying this, it's just Holly."
Holly changed as my interests did; she started out as a relatively one-note porn character, but as I burned off the initial steam I delved into more genres, weaving relationship dramas in her little world, using her to explore BDSM and fetishes, and more recently using her as my political and philosophical mouthpiece.
I don't know if I can say "the character took on a life of her own," because in many ways, she took on my life. The more details I added about her mundane life, the more I borrowed from my own. I really did work as an EMT when I was younger; I really did just move across the country and visit Germany. Hell, most of the time Holly got laid was when I was getting laid.
More insidiously, Holly changed my life. Because of her, I found myself in situations I'd never have gotten into on my own--at a BDSM party, or talking a friend into sending me naked pictures to use as "Holly", or using a goddamn epilator on my junk. Being Holly expanded my horizons, it got me laid, and it got me to try just about everything short of tampons.
It's funny, but I don't feel nearly as comfortable talking about my own sex life when it's real. I suppose now that I've outed myself I'll do that from time to time. For now, I'll just say that I'm bisexual, I mostly date women, and I'm not seeing anyone right now.
I'll keep the blog going and I think I'll keep Holly around. I've gotten used to talking through her, and frankly, I kinda got to like her. But I had to get this off my chest. I'm sorry if anyone was hurt by this deception; I really love and appreciate my my readers even when I'm having Holly chew them out, and I hope you'll stick around.
Even if I am only a man.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Epilator.
On the advice of a reader, I got an epilator. The good part is that it makes me totally, amazingly smooth without stubble, in a way shaving never did. The bad part is that it hurts like a red-hot cheese grater dipped in acid. I can only stand to use it for a minute or two before taking a Pain Break. This is worse than some minor surgeries. This is worse than the dentist.
But if it's easier in the future (I've never even waxed, so I'm attacking totally virgin follicles here), and it makes me super-smooth all the time, that's worth it. I really love the feeling of smooth. Even if I'm not totally keen on the feeling of AUGH IT BURNS.
But if it's easier in the future (I've never even waxed, so I'm attacking totally virgin follicles here), and it makes me super-smooth all the time, that's worth it. I really love the feeling of smooth. Even if I'm not totally keen on the feeling of AUGH IT BURNS.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Going Home.
Very early tomorrow morning, I get on a plane for Boston. (Well, actually I get on a plane for Brussels, and then I get on a plane for London, and then I pace around the airport in London for five hours, and then I get on a plane for Boston. I don't understand why it's cheaper for the airline to fly me further and on more flights, but I'm no airplanologist.)
I have to admit, I'm looking forward to it. It's been fun here and I'm awfully lucky to be able to just run off to Europe like this, but I'm also lucky to live in a place where I have a car and time to myself and I can speak the language. It's been cool though. Europe is like going to another planet and finding a civilization parallel to Earth's, where everything kind of looks the same but everything's kind of different. Also everyone speaks Martian. And there's culture and stuff (although not that much in Hamburg because most of the culture got blasted to shards in WWII), and a lot of nice places to just walk around or hang out in.
I can hardly say "well, back to the same old boring routine," when I've been in Massachusetts less time than I've been in Germany. Back to trying to find a routine, really.
I have to admit, I'm looking forward to it. It's been fun here and I'm awfully lucky to be able to just run off to Europe like this, but I'm also lucky to live in a place where I have a car and time to myself and I can speak the language. It's been cool though. Europe is like going to another planet and finding a civilization parallel to Earth's, where everything kind of looks the same but everything's kind of different. Also everyone speaks Martian. And there's culture and stuff (although not that much in Hamburg because most of the culture got blasted to shards in WWII), and a lot of nice places to just walk around or hang out in.
I can hardly say "well, back to the same old boring routine," when I've been in Massachusetts less time than I've been in Germany. Back to trying to find a routine, really.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Beta Male.
NOTE TO PEOPLE READING THIS POST:
1) Yes, it's sarcastic. The things below? Not actually true. I thought this was apparent to anyone who had spent time on Earth.
2) If you post a bitter trolly comment, I won't let it through moderation unless I have a funny comeback.
3) Go out and make some friends. You might or might not get laid. Either way you'll be happier and know more about how humans actually work.
-Holly Pervocracy, 5/1/2012
There is a frighteningly large population of heterosexual men for whom not getting laid has become a lifestyle and an identity. They're "love shy," they're "beta males," they're "average frustrated chumps," they're "incel," they're "nice guys."
These are the tenets of their belief system:
* The word "woman" refers exclusively to slender, outgoing, fashionable, conventionally beautiful heterosexual white women under 30 who aren't too slutty. Other types of woman aren't undesirable so much as nonexistent.
*With this extreme restriction on female existence, there are far fewer women than there are men, so competition is fierce. Only the rare lucky or skilled man is able to get a woman.
*Women are not, inherently, attracted to men. A woman would certainly never pursue a man or initiate contact with him; at best she accepts applicants and judges them harshly.
*Women get an enormous thrill out of rejecting men. It's like having an orgasm while winning an Oscar and eating chocolate-covered bacon. God it's good. When a man submits his Application To Get Laid to a woman, she looks for any excuse to reject him, because she's just itching for that thrill. A woman's ideal evening is rejecting fifteen men and going home alone, and it's up to a man's luck or skill to break that streak.
*Friendship with a woman is an extremely drawn-out form of rejection, in which every time you meet and she doesn't fuck you is its own little mini-rejection. The only reason some men remain friends with women is that they continue to hold out foolish hope.
*"I love women!" Women are like sports cars you can stick your dick into. They're good to be seen with, good to use privately, and just plain fun to own. Of course these guys "love women"--who wouldn't love an awesome toy like that?
*Some men are alpha males, and everyone likes them and they can get lots of women while acting like total assholes and it's no fair. These men are chosen by random lottery at birth and did nothing to deserve their status.
*The vast majority of men are beta males, and can never ever have sex because the alphas are taking all of the women. Women meet in secret to trade lists of known beta males; this is why a totally unfamiliar man can walk into a totally new venue and all the women will just know they're supposed to ignore him. It's certainly not anything he does.
*As women are not attracted to men, a man's attempts to be traditionally "attractive"--being well-groomed, smelling good, appearing healthy and active, dressing presentably, acting good-natured and sociable--are completely pointless and no effort whatsoever should be made in these areas.
*Talking to women is a totally different skill than just talking to people, which is how someone can have an education and a job and not be a hermit and yet truthfully say he can't talk to women.
*The only hope for a beta male is an intensive course of schooling that will enable him to mimic the stereotyped behavior patterns of the alpha. These behaviors are so diverse and bizarre they merit their own post, or series of posts, or series of posts that I promise to do and then forget about because there was a shiny thing.
Fun fact: wolves in nature do not have "alpha/beta/omega" social systems! This only occurs when unrelated individuals are confined together in a way that never happens in the real world. Wolf packs are actually more like nuclear family units, in which the younger males don't mate because the females are their mother and sisters, not because they're "betas." When the males get older they'll go off on their own and a lot of them will find females and mate.
And presumably the ones who don't spend a lot of time hanging out and telling each other that it's not their fault, it's just those damn bitches.
1) Yes, it's sarcastic. The things below? Not actually true. I thought this was apparent to anyone who had spent time on Earth.
2) If you post a bitter trolly comment, I won't let it through moderation unless I have a funny comeback.
3) Go out and make some friends. You might or might not get laid. Either way you'll be happier and know more about how humans actually work.
-Holly Pervocracy, 5/1/2012
There is a frighteningly large population of heterosexual men for whom not getting laid has become a lifestyle and an identity. They're "love shy," they're "beta males," they're "average frustrated chumps," they're "incel," they're "nice guys."
These are the tenets of their belief system:
* The word "woman" refers exclusively to slender, outgoing, fashionable, conventionally beautiful heterosexual white women under 30 who aren't too slutty. Other types of woman aren't undesirable so much as nonexistent.
*With this extreme restriction on female existence, there are far fewer women than there are men, so competition is fierce. Only the rare lucky or skilled man is able to get a woman.
*Women are not, inherently, attracted to men. A woman would certainly never pursue a man or initiate contact with him; at best she accepts applicants and judges them harshly.
*Women get an enormous thrill out of rejecting men. It's like having an orgasm while winning an Oscar and eating chocolate-covered bacon. God it's good. When a man submits his Application To Get Laid to a woman, she looks for any excuse to reject him, because she's just itching for that thrill. A woman's ideal evening is rejecting fifteen men and going home alone, and it's up to a man's luck or skill to break that streak.
*Friendship with a woman is an extremely drawn-out form of rejection, in which every time you meet and she doesn't fuck you is its own little mini-rejection. The only reason some men remain friends with women is that they continue to hold out foolish hope.
*"I love women!" Women are like sports cars you can stick your dick into. They're good to be seen with, good to use privately, and just plain fun to own. Of course these guys "love women"--who wouldn't love an awesome toy like that?
*Some men are alpha males, and everyone likes them and they can get lots of women while acting like total assholes and it's no fair. These men are chosen by random lottery at birth and did nothing to deserve their status.
*The vast majority of men are beta males, and can never ever have sex because the alphas are taking all of the women. Women meet in secret to trade lists of known beta males; this is why a totally unfamiliar man can walk into a totally new venue and all the women will just know they're supposed to ignore him. It's certainly not anything he does.
*As women are not attracted to men, a man's attempts to be traditionally "attractive"--being well-groomed, smelling good, appearing healthy and active, dressing presentably, acting good-natured and sociable--are completely pointless and no effort whatsoever should be made in these areas.
*Talking to women is a totally different skill than just talking to people, which is how someone can have an education and a job and not be a hermit and yet truthfully say he can't talk to women.
*The only hope for a beta male is an intensive course of schooling that will enable him to mimic the stereotyped behavior patterns of the alpha. These behaviors are so diverse and bizarre they merit their own post, or series of posts, or series of posts that I promise to do and then forget about because there was a shiny thing.
Fun fact: wolves in nature do not have "alpha/beta/omega" social systems! This only occurs when unrelated individuals are confined together in a way that never happens in the real world. Wolf packs are actually more like nuclear family units, in which the younger males don't mate because the females are their mother and sisters, not because they're "betas." When the males get older they'll go off on their own and a lot of them will find females and mate.
And presumably the ones who don't spend a lot of time hanging out and telling each other that it's not their fault, it's just those damn bitches.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Rights vs. Right.
There seems to be a lot of confusion in Internet arguments between things you have a right to do, and things you ought to do. It may be true that your right to swing your fist ends at my face--but come on, do you really want to be the kind of fucknut who walks around swinging his fist everywhere?
In other words, our only obligation is to avoid harming others' person or property, but that alone doesn't make you a good person. You do that bare minimum and I won't harm your person or property--but I won't like you. Just because someone is within their rights doesn't mean I have to approve or shut up.
I was reading a discussion about a woman with Nazi tattoos, and one of the moderators of the forum said:
If someone is a sexist, racist, every other -ist they are still a person and especially if these are only the person's THOUGHTS and the person isn't actually acting on them (ie raping and attacking people because they are female, or black, or white, etc). It's perfectly legal for her to believe in her white supremacist crap. As much as I disagree with her beliefs (ie IF they even are her beliefs since none of us actually know her) I'm still not going to put her down.
What the hell is that crap? Because something is legal, you aren't allowed to even say anything bad about it? Yes, she's still a person, but she's a really bad person. I agree that the woman shouldn't be arrested or anything for being an asshole, but you're allowed to--in fact I think you should--freaking talk bad about her, Jesus.
In a free society, you have the right to be a tremendous jerk. It's merely my strong recommendation that you do not exercise this right.
In other words, our only obligation is to avoid harming others' person or property, but that alone doesn't make you a good person. You do that bare minimum and I won't harm your person or property--but I won't like you. Just because someone is within their rights doesn't mean I have to approve or shut up.
I was reading a discussion about a woman with Nazi tattoos, and one of the moderators of the forum said:
If someone is a sexist, racist, every other -ist they are still a person and especially if these are only the person's THOUGHTS and the person isn't actually acting on them (ie raping and attacking people because they are female, or black, or white, etc). It's perfectly legal for her to believe in her white supremacist crap. As much as I disagree with her beliefs (ie IF they even are her beliefs since none of us actually know her) I'm still not going to put her down.
What the hell is that crap? Because something is legal, you aren't allowed to even say anything bad about it? Yes, she's still a person, but she's a really bad person. I agree that the woman shouldn't be arrested or anything for being an asshole, but you're allowed to--in fact I think you should--freaking talk bad about her, Jesus.
In a free society, you have the right to be a tremendous jerk. It's merely my strong recommendation that you do not exercise this right.
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