Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Nipples. (And constructive criticism.)

I'm still unclear about what, if anything, man-nipples are able to feel.

As in a lot of sexual things, there's two confusing factors:
1) Bodies are bafflingly different. What makes one guy throw his head back and gasp makes another guy go "Uh, why are you touching that?", and apparently there's no predicting it.

2) It's hard to get an honest opinion. Because usually guys don't say "Why are you touching that?", they privately think "We're naked and she's touching me, I'm not gonna criticize." Which is probably for the best, but it does make it hard to improve my technique. I honestly have no idea if I'm good in bed--clearly I'm not terrible since I do okay in repeat business--but no guy is ever going to tell me the difference between "not bad" and "fucking fantastic."

So. Man titties. Numb to the world? Massively erogenous? Only as sensitive as ordinary skin? A little sensitive but nothing special? Individually variable and therefore an unknowable mystery because no one is rude/honest enough to communicate these things?

Maybe I should hand out Post-Coital Satisfaction Surveys to my partners. "On a scale of one to ten, please rate the following factors... cleanliness... taste... customer service... nipple stimulation..."


  1. Ever since my breast enhancement, I haven't been able to feel much. Or lactate.

  2. Bruno - But look what it's done for your self-esteem!

    (That was always the reason given when 16-year-old girls at my high school got boobified. Apparently if your self-worth is dependent on your sexual organs, the only reasonable solution is BIGGER SEXY PARTS! And then you know that all the boys who like you afterwards are really into your personality.)

  3. They let 16 year olds get their boobs "ified"?! That's insane!
    And for the record, very sensitive. (shivers) Whoa.

  4. Scott - My high school was a little... funny that way. Very rich kids, very dysfunctional. Lots of date rapes in the back of Lexuses.

  5. Totally individual, from what I can tell. Hell, mine might as well be radio knobs for the most part.

    Adopt the tactics of jet fighters! Use the OODA loop!

    Observe ("Hm, anything here? What about when stroked like this? Sucked? Tickled?")
    Orient ("Zeroing in"
    Decide ("let's try suck/bite")
    Act (then start all over again based on the results)

  6. LabRat - Entertaining as the principle is, the problem with the OODA loop is that "observation" can be kinda difficult with some men. If his reaction to a cruddy nothing is "erf", and his reaction to utter ecstasy is "errf", and he refuses to clarify verbally, I'm still flying blind.

    Well, the penis is the good part. I'm absolutely sure about that. Thank God for one constant.

  7. Call me spoiled by a responsive lover. I think I'd start hitting a guy like that until he started reacting more.

  8. Taught high school and middle school for 10 years. Boobs that age getting "ified" creeps me out in ways I can't put into words.

    And on a different note, I always thought the plural of "Lexus" was "Lexii." *shrug*

  9. LabRat - You ARE spoiled, I've been with sevenish-eightish guys and none of them were really responsive. (The absolute low being the guy who I didn't realize had come until he just flatly told me.)

    (Also, I've tried hitting boys. Doesn't help. I mean, they squeal nice when you do it, but as soon as you untie them they're right back to their bad habits.)

    Scott - AAAAIEEE, you can't be a teacher, you might've taught me at some point, that is so weird.

    And yeah, there's a lot of horrible things about it. The idea that the parents are paying to have their child sexually enhanced. The idea that a sixteen-year-old is undergoing painful surgery with permanent consequences for sexual purposes. Jesus Christ, at that age your breasts might still be growing. Ugh ugh ugh.

    Lexi, maybe.

  10. Uh, doubt it. Unless you're from this side of the country. I am, however, old enough to have taught you, and now I teach the college. Funny, huh?

  11. Scott - I don't know which side that is, but unless it's western Washington State the chance of a really hilarious consequence is 0%.

    I'm not sure I want to know if it is.

  12. Mostly, you're just making feel like I didn't actually miss anything by settling down as early as I did.

  13. The East Coast.
    It would undoubtedly freak me out more than you if you'd been to Virginia for schooling.
    I'm still evaluating your writing, though. (smile)

  14. ...If it's a 4th declension noun, the plural could just be Lexus. Lexuum, in the genitive.

    Earlier, sparked by another post, my household was discussion the proper pluralization of "clitoris". I briefly lost track of how to spell, and was mocked. We settled, eventually, on the 3rd declension "-es". Clitores.