That Goddamn Holiday is coming. This'll only be the second year I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. The last time was with Kevin and he didn't get me shit. "What'd you expect, a dozen roses?" he asked. "I'm not buying that." Then get me one rose. Or fuck, one carnation. One goddamn dandelion, okay? Dammit. I wouldn't have minded a cheapass or homemade gift but to get nothing but a rude "ho, you ain't worth money" on my only partnered Valentine's Day was pretty rough.
And now, I think, it's going to happen again. There's no way in hell Benny will get me anything. 1% odds on a sex toy, 99% on nothing because God forbid I get the impression he likes me, I should know that my place in his world is "physical convenience."
And then Alan told me he doesn't want to do anything to recognize a "stupid commercial holiday that just makes people feel bad."
I have thirteen days to convince him that this isn't about money or trying to force the relationship to another level. It's about not giving me another Valentine's Day where I get the message "you're good enough to fuck, but that's all."
Despite the impression I sometimes give online, I'm usually cheerful and always extremely undemanding with guys. It's just that when (and I swear, this is not all the time) I do want something silly and symbolic, the whole undemanding thing kinda bites in the ass.
Sometimes I think that if I were strong enough to say "I'm not seeing you unless you treat me well, and I'm not fucking you unless you treat me like a goddamn princess," my relationships would go a lot better. But the problem is that I'm so damn happy to be seeing/fucking the guys at all, I can't stand to withhold it for any reason. (Also, I'm terrified that if I ever say "I'm not seeing you unless...", the answer will be "fine with me, goodbye!")
I think I'll give both guys presents, whether they do anything for me or not. Not heart-festooned teddy bears (that might be a little passive-aggressive), just fancy food or something. So I can say we did something for Valentine's Day.
I desperately need a mushbuddy and have no idea how to get one. Putting up online ads saying "don't worry boys, I may be nothing much to look at but I fall in love real easy on the first date!" works less well than you'd expect.
If you're buying Jon a gift, I suggest red rope.
ReplyDeleteOr red handcuff or blindfold.
There must be a better way of getting people to treat you well than withholding favors, sexual or otherwise, from them, and when I figure it out, I'll let you know.
ReplyDeleteThe ideal method, of course, is to just not care whether or not they leave as soon as they can't get away with treating you like crap, but I think that requires a sort of pathologically isolationist temperament to begin with.
I've never much liked Valentine's Day, but I've always been a lot less committed than whoever it was I was seeing at the time.
It seems to me you know what Jon thinks of you without needing any holiday to remind you. I have to say I agree with Brandon - and I also think that people should show their affection every day... but I am a cynic.
ReplyDeleteYou should demand and expect that your lovers treat you with respect (actually, if you expect it, you don't need to demand it), and they aren't worth keeping if they don't give you it, because that helps to erode your self-respect/esteem. Don't let yourself be treated badly and console yourself with the thought that at least your are being treated something - it is honestly never worth it, hot sex notwithstanding. Symbolic gestures mean nothing if they symbolize nothing.
I will now attempt to morph out of CyberMommy and back into my normal self.
Dorkie - We already have gorgeous red leather cuffs, but red rope would be preettty.
ReplyDeleteAebhel - Yeah, I don't actually want to control men at all, I want them to be generous and kind of their own free will, but then I stop living in Happy Unicorn Rainbow Land.
I'm sort of the opposite of isolationist, I'm more like... desperate's not the word when you have two boytoys, but I was celibate for way too long and hated it way too much, so I'm terrified of leaving.
Which makes me powerless, which shouldn't matter because I don't want to exercise power, but... apparently I have to. Crap.
Z - I've never had a lover treat me with more respect than Brandon and... that's not a compliment to him, it's a really sad fact about my life. I find that when I say "I won't take a man unless he truly respects and values me," I find myself with no man at all. And I can't have sex with that.
As much annoyance and disappointment comes out of these relationships, they seem to be the best I can do. I'd rather try and work with them than think there's better out there for me.
Maybe it's bad for my self-respect to be treated badly, but it's worse to be horny and alone and go to sleep every night hugging a pillow because you want to feel something in your arms.
I'm moving to Florida some time this year.
ReplyDeleteMove with me.
I will lavish you with gifts, cuddle with you, take you to dinner and have great sex with you.
I'm looking for a girl to kinda spoil anyway. And I like you.
Dorkie - Florida!?!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not, uh, actually going to Florida (that I know of) any time in the forseeable future, but damn, you know how to make a tempting offer, lady.
We don't much care for the Hallmark version, but we always do something, the point not being to let society PRESSURE US into the CANDY MACHINE and make single people FEEL BAD, but rather to give each other the "yep, really like you and glad you're still around" nod.
ReplyDeleteGenerally, we de-Hallmarkify it by giving each other wildly inappropriate gifts. The first one was a coyote baculum, which I'm not sure if he still has. The last one was a walking stick made of a preserved bull penis.
...But, well, we're married, merely married and cynical. If the issue is more "I won't do this for just a fuckbuddy", then that just... in-fucking-considerate, which everyone expects from Jon, but perhaps Brandon can be brought around, if his issue is really more the bitterness over the holiday that so many people have.
I've felt oppressed by Valentine's Day only once. I was lonely and depressed and half-blind from exhaustion, and wandered into a drug store. When I looked up, I was in a sea of red and pink.
ReplyDeleteLabRat - Those gifts don't seem inappropriate in the slightest. :)
ReplyDeleteBruno - You paint a surreal and horrifying picture.